ll Ontology ll

So others can learn from my life experiences as well. Much love, wisdom and truth to you all. I still see games on the forum, cut it out. Remember truth and work for it, the truth of love, the truth of wisdom, the truth of life, the truth of you (which isn’t silly games). Peace to you:

An introduction to my future journaling here: No longer a ghost becoming more and more alive inside. So this morning I’ve been noticing myself dissociate which is a fantastic thing because it means my emotional awareness has improved from yesterday in the sense that I’m now beginning to notice when I’m in tune with my mind versus wherever else who knows where that is, so things are improving day in and day out considerably for me and every day I look forward to what the next day will bring for me, something that I have literally and I mean never stated in my entire life. Remember, all the exercise involves is the simple act of paying attention to my heart and learning from the information that it sends consciousness through this interaction via the expression of emotional modalities to many other phenomenological properties of being that you yourself will develop an intuition for. Go to intro #9 to reconvene with the information as needed. My feelings more and more are transforming to greater and greater nuanced expressions in the sun of things. My consciousness is becoming more and more aware of my minds conditioning through continuing the growth of this feedback loop with my heart. Every impulse falls under the light of the sun as opposed to the light of the moon where my sense of being only received translation from a fucking eclipse bitches. Now I’m riding that wave and I want you to find yours. Yesterday was the first time I recognised myself in the mirror, I know right… not in the literal sense but in the felt experience, nothing cathartic happened like crying down on my knees begging you please god take me back to the kingdom of heaven, no none of that crap. Not yet at least we’ll see what leaves of gods fart bombs find there way through my emotional nostrils. Every impulse, every sense, to be emotional without sense is nauseating to our consciousness, we’ve all been there like never any jack and sally had a makeout, to be senseful without emotion is to justify what you don’t need simply because you don’t have it even though you got it you’re just dissociating from it. When you’re child you’ve got no options in front of you, you’re young and you’re having fun and you’re just getting older and that’s your life and that’s how it was me, I didn’t have any great sunbeams of mentoring light come into my life, so I saw it as normal to have an ambivalent relationship with my mother and to be used as a tool or invisible with my father. I received a phone call from my father today and as most of you know Mother’s Day has recently past and I didn’t contact her. For the first time I didn’t feel guilty for answering, like I didn’t have to prove my own love to him to myself by either answering or following the false absent feeling of feeling the need to call him back. He’s been abusive to me my whole life for the most part so I need healthy boundaries. But we’ve got the door slammed on any buckets of sympathy tissues here I’m just rolling it high stakes for this particular entry. I now have my own personal goals in relation to my parents for the first time ever and for the first time ever I feel a sense of sovereignty in relation to that even though I haven’t lived with them for over ten years. My own personal goals are love and only love and well, my own intelligent boundaries are needed there as opposed to the patterns they’ve been following their whole life in relation to me. “Oh boy our son has flipped the script that’s my orca!” Saying hello, welcoming the next entries that are going to come, smiling with the eyes of a shooting star looking forward to what this day will bring slowly shining it’s way through the top of my skull to finally end this thing that I was so oblivious I had. Never let anyone convince you that you’re anything but love and that you deserve love from a place of love (already inclusive of truth, freedom and sovereignty as that’s true life)!!! Welcome to my journal, from here on out official entries with no more shit posting outside the full expression of my personality with each entry, through every emotional wavelength and beyond that I am eager to learn!

Intro #12 - (repost to include Heart Check at end): Our mental life, of solitude and great reflection this can be, however when we make our mental life a part of who we describe ourselves to be, how we connect to the very essence of existence itself., we have faltered, prefacing this of course with the fact that I of course emphatics with unavoidable dispositions in the sense of childhood trauma say, that is unmissable, this is more a negotiation of the terms that align us with life and those that don’t. Terms of which, are a journey and discover process of what connects and unites us with an indivisible connection to life and that which does not while avoiding the latter and moving to the former, on the terms of the former and no other terms. Based on the “buyer behaviour” inherent to our psychology many of us have inherited a “selling behaviour” and planted this within our psychology as a form of hidden advertisement that binds us to terms on how to begin and act in relationships that are untrue to the nature of our being. It had become engraved in our materialistic reality that we will be bonded to each other based on those terms as a course of western though, rather than some intangible immaterial means such as the purist thing we know to this universe that wants us to begin it at all, love and truth. Do we ever want to stay in relationships where there is the complete opposite? And what is it that ever interrupts the flow of such a relationship that based on the embodiment of truth and love as a natural consequence of being connected and united to our being in the described natural way of reflecting the purist toe to life? For the first question, it goes against our survival and for the second question often in todays times it is a false material reality which usurps the purity of narratives, ties and vines that have been established between two or more people. Relationships in western society have become undemocratic, unnecessarily solipsistic, totalitarian and communistic (I.e. over compartmentalisation), there is no great sense of liberty which is the origin of consciousness itself. How can we hold a relationship that does not start from a principle of Liberty when such a principle or even law is inherent to the nature of truth and love which is what makes it so inherent? As above, so below. So we have inner love, truth and liberty so too will we have not only sovereignty as a consequential outcome to these three but we will also be much more inclined to hold the space for the respect that our relationships will endure through this filter. Where our views of the world do not align with the natural flow of our bodies so too will we feel constrained in return of the world influencing us on these terms. This is often the consequence of insensible mental life, that is, where it is in contradiction with the laws that govern the peace, harmony, stability and prosperity of the human body and being. Thus insensible mental life is an act of self harm, to the mind, to and even sometimes from the heart, the rest of being and so too where it matters to everyone outside of yourself, the world around you and the one at large. We have not yet arrived at what is and what isn’t good mental life yet as I do not consider myself at the level of advancement I need to be to practice such best much less instruct it. I do however consider myself to instruct speech on the course of how mental life can go wrong and how it is important for mental life to be predicated on the health, well-being and growth of the heart first and foremost. Our heart constantly informs our perspectives and therefore our capacity to have Perspective with a capital P after we have gone through enough healing and growth with the heart, it is such then, that the heart is a matter of grave existential purpose for any bridge to intellectual life that has any value whatsoever to the nature of being. No matter how intelligent someone is, can I trust a wretched, wicked and corrupted fool with their philosophy if their hearts are too damaged to see consistently and feel consistently the truth of their own being and to express it, clearly and without unnecessary painful circumstances in that stretching? Which is why I do not consider myself fit at this present time to instruct philosophy, but I am earning my own honour with time to slowly get there and I will get there day by day, slowly with time. So all these kids in philosophy schools these days and all these teachers. What on earth are they doing? Please someone tell me (meant figuratively), someone PLEASE tell me, what on earth are they doing wasting their time teaching philosophy to students philosophy before they have learned the philosophy of their hearts? And what about these teachers, to whom have emptied their souls so purely as to instruct words just as purely? Without unnecessary admiration nor judgement, but a seamless reconciliation with the understanding of his or her own being? How about these buffoons of men and women getting into relationships when they can neither understand their hearts or their minds? Do they not heed statistics? Only when they are whole themselves on any picture of reality do they get to ignore the masses and what they do otherwise you are the masses! Is it bad to be the masses? No nor is it intrinsically good, I am the masses with respect to my own hearts intelligence, perhaps although I do not hold rank on this judgement, I am much worse in some respects I am still growing here let’s see by the end of the year, but in saying that, we want to grow. We’re all here to grow it’s why this site was made otherwise what are you doing here? Answer this silently within yourself, ask your heart deeply and act from the inevitable good intention that it provides you after enough inner-emotional-reflection. To your mental life, may these words if any take heed. Remember your heart first and foremost and I remember, everything and I mean absolutely everything, will be alright. ———- To my father, I will always love you but in some moments I have harboured hate, to this end I apologise to you not as a son, a servant or a slave to you but the sovereign being I am fastly becoming. To this end, I free myself and I free you, to relate to you now as man to man, and as a son, only where proper sentimentality has the sensibility of love and growth of my being. Session: When I watch this scene in the context of my own role models in life, the effects my father has had on me, his ability to be a role model in my life, I cannot help but feel a sense of deep anguish, disappointment, sadness, shame and compassion all at the same time. And more. If… If… There is this game called if that we like to play with ourselves “if he had of done this, if this had of happened instead, if my mother never did the then…” and it goes on and on and on and on. This is life and we are here in this moment and that’s that, everything else is a processing, integration and a growing from our experiences. This is what we can term “learned pain”, pain that is no more because we have emotionally and cognitively learned from our experiences enough that we have healed, grown and now we’re ready to get out there in the world again or much more to defend our deeper meaning and purpose in this life to the level of our heart felt intention and therefore again, again, again, because we need the full intentionality of the heart we must heal and grow it to its full potential if we want our purpose to truly sit at the top of the mantle piece as it should and where and to the extent that this purpose genuinely lives in love and truth. So we can’t play the game called if unless we’re genuinely learning from our mistakes. My father possesses very little cognitive empathy and for the very little cognitive empathy that he has it has been all twisted up by life’s experience and by all our arguments since childhood before I even came to realise what I was dealing with. My father is as tough as bricks and for a kid that was coming to him from the traumatic environment I was, he had no idea what he was doing and through the neglect and lack of supportive presence he had in my life in the way I needed it he was very disappointing as a father. I really felt like a slave to him growing up rather than someone he truly wanted to mentor as I would want to mentor a son. It severely injured me when we couple this with the fact that he has been overly gratuitous to my sister simply because “she’s a girl” and it was just covertly accepted in my family that that was that and that was normal in the context of things, even though some of my other family members have consoled me in this respect in some ways as it was very well known the black and white way he treated the two of us. My father was completely and utterly oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of those around him when he switched off his warm association with them. Have a warm association and he’s as good as any honourable man under the sun. My father lived a life of high integrity, principles that were embodied and passed on by my grandfather, however nurturing was never his strong suit when it came to “boys”, he has an incredibly nurturing side however only to those he perceives as infantile. He just expected me to be as rough as guts and as honourable as the most honourable person, never and I mean never truly empathising with my pain outside of basic things that never lasted long enough to enter the planning side of his mind regarding how that would then change the way he related to me. His demeanour towards me instead of making me feel like he was a strong masculine role model instead made me feel isolated and his lack of ability to understand me made me feel tremendous shame growing up especially when we tie this with the unfair support he gave my sister. If he understood me, I reckon he would have been the best father in the world. That’s what hurts so much. Like it really, really hurts because it created so much damage to our relationship in so many ways. There are many hidden nuances and greater categories here that for now escape reason to say but I just feel the impetus to share this freely now in this moment. Exit to this session: Father, I now see you eye to eye Of all eyes across the universe Of all ways in which eyes have not met And how our eyes have blinded each other, have blocked one another and have clouded our senses I am the one left standing, now holding slowly beginning to hold your hand again To guide you to the rest of your life As you meet the end of yours Of lovers nest, my egg hatched and you both (mother) entangled with time and time entangled with time and here we are I am the one left responsible to clean all of this up Not as a son, to either of you, while managing to maintain a sons love in spite of everything towards the both of you But as a fastly becoming sovereign being, responsible for the chores and duties of the universe, as we were all meant to become, for all of us as one I am a still a long way from being the man I need to become, but I am on my way I do not care so much about making either of you proud, a lot of that from one grace would feel weird in many ways, but if proud is what you become, I hope it is before the end of your lives To you both, may you both live the rest of your lives responsibly as you enter elderly age and enter all the problems with that To this I have the same responsibility towards the both of you that you had for me, in one sense I have a feeling of “isn’t it ironic” but I have a greater sense of compassion, understanding and responsibility that lives in me to acknowledge a greater sense of purpose in this life My love for you, my disappointment, my pain, all of these are different stories And all of them, I take with me May you still, take me with you With love, with unity, with wisdom Once a month "Heart Check": Preface this with --- just quick random checks, don't take the musicianship seriously haha. So once a month now I'm going to do what I've termed a "Heart Check" before I begin my training (pertaining to this Work) with my voice, our voice reveals the emotional body. As I listen back to this I am already noticing that I can better sense my own emotions underneath, I have a sense of shame revealing my emotional body in this way I've gotten so good at hiding it my whole life that its difficult to reveal myself as purely as this but that's just how it is. You can already tell if you compare the two audios available in the soundcloud that there's a clear difference, I mean, obviously in the first one there there's just a lot more sadness and dissociation I wasn't even present of like if you recall I couldn't even label my emotions and I couldn't even tell you what the voice sounded like I was feeling but now I'm getting better at that. I was kind of shocked today when listening to it again that I was able to better identify what I was feeling in my emotional body by listening to the voice again. The voice is now really my only objective measure now on my emotional body moving forward like I can just tell my mind hides so much from me and its gotten so good at it for most of my life that I really need something that's going to tell me accurately where my body is and I can't see anything better than the voice. I haven't trained my voice for quite a long time now and to be honest I don't really see the point anymore until I'm done with this heart work because its not like my voice is in much need of it like I've got the raw basics down based on how I want to sing, that is sing in a way that reveals the truth of being as much as possible. I just don't want to release a whole bunch of morbid albums and I don't want to release albums that run contrary to reality, as in, where I'm being something I'm not. There's a balance with respect to morbidity and health of being from an "artists" perspective however I want to unify that perspective with a "spiritual" one where I am conscious of what I'm putting out there into the world and the kind of change and influence that I want to have with my work. Compared to where I was and even yesterday its probably so easy to tell for people that are more nuanced in their observations that I've made considerable breakthroughs with this journal in my own ability to connect with myself, its beyond what I expected to be honest, I just followed my intuition and this time its paid off for me and I've still got ways to go based on my voice to really see the full benefit. Thanks so much again for everyone's support, won't let you down in terms of continuing to honour the integrity of this journal, as wisely as possible I will introduce things that add to its value more and more overtime, I over crowded things there for a little bit with things I shouldn't have and I think I've reached a good balance with doing these "intro's", I think sticking to that and just adding to that design is a good move in general will just take things gently moving forward. Still deciding on an orca whale pic for my profile picture but we'll see how that goes as well haha. And I promise you, after my training my heart feels much more centered and "higher" than what is revealed and can be sense in the depths within my voice here so its not like I'm pretending in any way if you see me act incongruently to what's represented with the voice where I just sing as truly, authentically and naturally as possible in revelation. Take care. https://soundcloud.com/private-universe-world/heart-check-9th-of-may-before (Still got many emotions to process here, still got a session later today so will have another intro later tonight, maybe two intro’s a day we’ll see how we go though, these are all I’ll do now, this format)

I totally feel you man. Felt your post at the pit of my stomach. No judgements. Just support. Peace.

Yeah cool man, maybe after I get through this Heart work. Just being prudent with the whole adding drugs to my personal development, don't think I'm ready for it. Wish you the best. Anything else, just send a shout.

Intro #11: It has been of natural effect within me over the last couple of hours that a coupling has begun to occur between "consciousness awareness" and "heart awareness". This has so far brought about two interesting related reactions, the exact timing of these happenings isn't concretely able to be placed, it is unmistakable however that they are of high relation. The first pertains to a much pervasive sense of "heart body" which I would explain as the relationship between the outcome of consciousness awareness and heart awareness because no other relationship better explains the occurrence, this heart body works in two directions from the perspective of awareness. For one, there is a greater consciousness sense of the field of emotion and energy as it exists from the outside in like an aura the body is creating and the outside of it is feeding information to the inside. Two, greater heart awareness exists from inwards to outwards towards the end point of this "aura" with increasingly less and less electric shocks and "ice picks to the heart" as was previously documented in a very expressive, absolute, meaning-identified, precise and accurate way earlier in this journal, meaning the description of being stabbed in the heart by ice picks and the receiving of electric shocks as I have described it is just so spot on (minus the complete literal interpretation of course). The second relates to a hyper conscious awareness of all inclusive here as it appears while also distinguishing between "brain emotions" and "heart emotions" while meditating their confusing similarities and difference through stated hyper conscious awareness. This hyper conscious awareness is illustrative of the falling away of the electric shocks and the ice picks thus giving me increasingly more free-reign of my consciousness to be fully equipped to activate the fullness of being. I am no where near completely free of stated shocks and ice picks but I have undoubtedly made a considerable breakthrough which speaks volumes for the exercise that I have described in Intro #9. This means that the stated link that I have determined to create between the heart and brain is now inclusive of two more interconnected links, consciousness and awareness, however subtle the differences between links may be and that are necessary, there is a definite difference in sensation. An important point here then in relation to the activation of higher SENSATION as much as there is this "freeing-up" in the previously described way which links to the benefit of activating pre-existing HIGHER PERCEPTION. Another noteworthy point is in relation to the automatic pronouncement of the complexity of inner experience, whereby there is a coupling of multiple feeling impressions, on average at least 3-4 combined with their experiential impressions that are held in the mind simultaneously, held in a way that feeds comprehension to and from the heart. As previous noted elude to, this is not a deliberate attempt to activate the brain-mind awareness in this sense, this is all coming about as a natural consequence of linking the heart with the brain from the will of the heart itself and if there is any mind involved it is more than anything else merely a subconscious imperative. This HIGHER PERCEPTION is coupled with this greater sense of described consciousness awareness that creates the presentation of greater RECOGNITION occurring within the perception of felt energetic experience. This has brought about the new personal interpretation of will from the perspective of consciousness, that at my present level of development here, consciousness is the sole source of will and thus higher will can be instigated through the greater generation of power through consciousness on awareness and every other area needed to instigate will in the desired area, in this case, the deepening of the connection with the heart and its relationship to higher order being in the hyper-connected sense between all relevant aspects within being. Altogether in combination with the execution of these insights I am becoming increasingly better at correlated all manner of states of being with states of awareness of their origins and how to link them to efficacious action for being. Overall, inexplicably, as stated in the above post, it feels incredibly beautiful to be able to give myself this new kind of harmony, this new kind of field and reality where I am able to relate to my being and its various states from the heart in this way like I never have before. To be or not to be... Neither... To love and know how to love, truly. With the full force of being. Session: When I begun this session I was feeling so disconnected, slipping back and fourth with regular consciousness it was difficult for me to believe in myself but it only took some moments before my consciousness received the same jolt of awareness it usually does from the heart. I was transported to a scene where my heart send the frequency to my brain a projection whereby I was imagining someone I loved about to be hurt and she was screaming my name, I pulled out a personal bow and arrow (I don't actually own one) and show the man. The man flew from the ground and slammed against the wall where he was left hanging dead in a matter of a few moments a few feet from the ground. Needless to say this was a trusty bow and arrow! My brain also took me back and fourth between some traumatic memories that I'm slowly working up the right energetic frequency to share in my journal here but will take some time to actually describe in my journal. The feeling is a big jolt as well, reflective of what I have mentioned earlier about the shaking that occurs sometimes to try to distract me from focusing in on the heart as a survival response from the body which I realise now was likely something that was trained in early childhood to teach me that I couldn't trust with an open heart, so I'm programmed to dissociate more than connect, thus all of this work in simplified described form is merely the process of retraining that response in myself. I feel really good about this session, I don't really feel the need to go too much into anything this time and it feels good to be able to trust that response. I just want to get used to trusting my hearts intuition with every entry that I concede to making here. Exit to this entry: With all the worlds possible souls I have ended up with this one Given to me at the birth of the universe And onwards I go with it to the end In my final beam the same as the first Like a flash of birth and death, I am here and gone with no in between and every in between being a reincarnating moment to the extent that we have the ability to understand our beings to their depth and express that understanding through the fortitude of our actions towards This potential once always thought lost in the midst of the despair that can come at wandering disconnection, dissociation that keeps one trapped in a hall of broken mirrors pointing anywhere but good, has broken through the looking glass And there is no looking back For this old soul (I genuinely feel like I've reincarnated on this plain many times, at least in the spirit of this moment relative to the present frequency of my being)

Orca update #5: Writing out an emotion is a lot like learning to whistle, if we press our lips together to tightly nothing will come out real, instead it'll come out in lumps with the appearance of "orderliness" as if to say that it was "too good for subtlety". If our mouth is open too wide we're not able to establish the necessary friction between wavelength and its corresponding expression. If we blow out too hard, everything will come out too anxiously or to its opposite, fearlessly, revealing falseness in both instances, anxieties of things that are false, fearlessness which is really just what is hiding something deeper underneath. If we write with no breath, that is to say if we write when we have no emotional vigour, we are writing our death into reality and so too if there's no pressure there to instead write our life into existence why would we write at all? If we write with a full breath, we have life to give with every letter but what about all the subtlety that exists behind the life where we're supposedly, "full of it", full of life or are we full of shit just simply trying to convince ourselves happy so we can live a "convinced" life till we're dead because surely that's what we were meant to do, am I write? Not just yet, we'll work on the writing as I'm hardly there given I'm only a few days into this work which is noticeably so far complete from the perspective of my future self who has already completed all of these words here, to that end, the wisdom they have to give me is found in committing to my process here as dutifully as possible and thus, this is when it will unfold for me best. Take a full breath before you write because a melody within needs to be spoken, this is what I tell myself now. Moreover, the melody that I am describing make sure that it is not "creative" but conjuring and descriptive of every subtlety within, then it naturally becomes a creative act, creativity if at all is merely an existential goal but to make it more is a betrayal of the heart for sometimes the heart needs to simply say, "I cannot give anymore of my life right now." Try whistling now and you will see what I mean with all of this, while you're whistling, sink into what your body is feeling in the way that I have described by simply going as deeply within the heart as possible, watch and be with the multiple permutations that it creates. Notice how your intuition changes continuously with every second to balance itself with the breath, the support you give it, the resonance with your heart, the tension against the lips, the feeling of how much air is left to finish or begin your melody, the way your emotions change with the melody and the melody changes with the subtlety of the emotions. This is how I play the piano. Is it no surprise then that the way we learn the secrets of our heart is no different to how we should learn the secrets of music in order to know the full potential of its creative possibilities? Is it possible then, our heart like our brain or to some very important unique end, is also an instrument? Today I learn how to play that instrument and every day I should treat it just the same, learning as if I've never learned before, learning while applying all the wisdom I have learned and extending it further. Much love. Much wisdom. The love of wisdom, the love of the heart. The wisdom of love, the heart of the mind.

Orca Skills from this Work #1 (as that’s what I’m becoming more of isn’t it and more or less always was instead of a shark): I’m learning to trust emotional senses much more, I mean they’re through the roof to be honest and this work is untangling them and making things a whole lot more clear. As soon as I get a read on someone and I sense their energy isn’t “human” they’re left for dead there’s nothing they can do I don’t waste any energy giving them anything I don’t need to. It’s kind of like being Spider-Man really or the guy in the film Unbreakable where he walks past people and “gets a clue”. The zombie puppet of a villain was such a terrible person, they were such heart-wrenching scenes there, the situations that evolved there slowly becoming how Mr. Glass later revealed his torments on society that put David Dunn in conflict with the vision his conscience he set out for him to instruct purpose in him from his powers. The more I tune and wire myself to someone the more I see, it’s stuff I’m not ready for though and don’t encourage any of it I still have a lot more personal development to go especially with the heart and it’s connection to the brain before I reach that point.

Shark update #3: I’m screaming my lungs out I feel like tornados that pulled me into the deep blue are being set free into the chaos of civilisations emotional black hole of nothingness “Where all emotional debris go to die and live as ghosts to get the next person” How do I protect the next person from having to go through what I went through and that I’m now finally breaking myself free from? This inception of infinity bound by insane blindness of truthful certainty How can I collide with anything but the grace of a storm, a storm that thunders raindrops of truth on the shadows that crept over my insides and turned me over body ten ft already in the ground while my ghost lived my life observing myself live out my experiences? This feels like destiny, a fete of intersecting paths to align shadows of chaos with the chaos that frees while separating me from the trees of halloween and having me fall finally from the tree of life and land in the hand of the being of creativity This has been my magnum opus for some years now, too mental though, like a stray dog paranoid about new owners trying to make the world on his own, god finally listens while releasing him from his tormentors and unites him with the truth of his expression, just as life wants to do it My lungs… have fallen out and now my heart no longer needs them shadows of Grey Hairs, mum… dad… goodbye and hello… life… this is my emotional life now knocking on your door.. Entering the kingdom of heaven called life… through wisdom of love and a love of wisdom…

Shark update #2: Inside this walls that protect me without my knowledge That close my off from the breath of my own life That take away the sweet sensation of morning dew so that my consciousness is replaced with the fog to deal with incoming threats from my parents (my inner shadow - I don’t live with them or anything of course) That take me away from the mutual empathy with another so that I don’t have to deal with the risk of bonding through the truth of my early experiences I have many defenses inside that I am slowly peeling back the layers of Inside as I tune into myself I wonder what else exists in my insights about the heart These walls are so strong, they have such great steel reinforcement and if I take a sledge hammer to them they’ll just turn transparent and the sledge hammer will just swing straight into my heart It is a matter about finesse, to slowly wire the heart with the brain in the way that I intend To open myself wide open, what will remain? Now is the time to explore the full creativity of awareness of the heart and all its forms I feel at the edge of a new horizon Now is the time to concentrate, now is the time to double, triple and quadruple down, now is the time to amp it up (Initial phone problems : reposted)

I’m really grateful I’ve been able to workout all of this mostly myself (pertaining to the work of this journal not biography though that’s great too). I’m really happy to have the privilege of being able to freely share that with others, another reminder for myself to keep the integrity of this journal in tact. I never would have thought that simply focusing on the pain in my heart would have created so many “blasts from the past”, that I would have augmented my memory not by trying to remember but simply as I’ve always preached in this journal recently as it pertains to just holding strong and listening to what the heart is trying to communicate. Listening creates an honest and earnest learning that we follow with our intuitive beings, which only include the brains, instead our brains have false been seen as the headmaster and that headmaster has been turned into a weapon and our hearts mostly seen as valentine presents and transplants when it is undoubtedly clear beyond any possibility of pseudo-spirituality, pseudo-psychology and or pseudo-science of any sort that there are an inordinate amount of vistas to not only explore with the heart just like with the mind out of sheer pleasure but again for both, to know as a matter of both our survival and what is imperative to our superior growth on this planet while remain alive and a part of a species on this planet and potentially beyond, and finally, to create as deeply, strongly and as resiliently as possible the strongest link to both so that the two through this link can be like a key as I have been saying in parts within this journal to channels of being that I have never dreamed possible and that others have no doubt ventured to before me. I am sure that I can already tap in to such other channels but I am just as sure if not more that it is proper course of action not only as a remedy to our civilisation but in order of importance for the human being to focus on learning how to understand and follow their hearts, then fully their brains followed only then by everything beyond (outside normal functioning of our body: walking, etc). At the moment I’m listening to a former Australian popstar in the background of a public area, maybe you’ll like him as I did and certainly with all the love that I have for them, my brother and mother did as well too. I’d like to share a different song, however I’ll keep it real and just share what’s playing ha!

My mother would have no doubt had arguments with the Principal of the school, I remember now. She used to make fun of him even years later to partially justify the hidden premise “Why I would never allow my son back into that school!” even though she was a large part of the problem. Our suburb was always looked down upon by our family after we left as well and my mother made sure of that just as both my parents made sure to share their disgruntlements about each other to me and my other siblings, there was more than three contexts for justifying the move, something horrendous had happened in our environment there and one of my sisters (the one mentioned in the story actually here) needed a new environment. I don’t have resentment really, I’m just sorting through everything, I have a whole bunch of different sensations and experiences, for example all in all I have compassion for my mother.

Intro #10: As soon as you start crafting an image of yourself based on what others think about you, you’ve lost touch with reality. You no longer have a relationship with yourself, the other person heck you don’t even have a relationship with your dog (or cat!). If this is you it has to stop, if it’s you not consciously doing it but instead more you feeling like you have to follow the expectations of your parents or some other authority like modelling yourself after some stage in “spiral dynamics” let’s say. It has to stop. Because you’re no longer in touch with your heart and the natural guidance it has to offer, plus anyone that has a true invested interest into genuinely loving you doesn’t want you just following the image they’ve carved out for you, no that’s not really love, they want to be enquiring about what you genuinely want as a human being based on the ongoing development that you as a being are subtly constantly going through and that we’re all here learning how to tap into more and more intelligently. If the heart space very religiously is the inner guidance system for informing the ethos of our decision making what chance does it have to operate naturally within you if you’re filled with all these preconceived notions about reality worse you’re having to follow the preconceived notions others have about what future you must follow?! Relationships can be tenuous but are the most loving one’s going to be where you’re forfeiting how you see your future in favour of someone else’s viewpoint when you have just as much value to create reality as the next person using your own inner compass? Granted other people have varying potential, but how much varying potential do we have to tap into an inner guidance system that the majority of us are built to have? Most of our lives growing up at least for me our elders can find it difficult sometimes not to be stuck in the frame of telling us what to think, what to feel and what to do heck even our partners can be to the point of dependence in either case. We all need to build our inner compass within our hearts for guiding ourselves in this life. That’s going to come at the cost of some peoples expectations and we need to be okay with that. We need to be okay with making some people upset with our choices because sometimes it’s the choices we make that violate the expectations of others in the biggest ways that sometimes become our most defining lessons for that period of our lives. Could we replace this newfound definition on our character out of fear of breaking expectations? Does the person really have love in their hearts if they’re unable to reconcile the image they had of you and the fact that you broke that image? Sometimes we have to break the image others have of us in order to find out who is loyal, loving and truthful. Sometimes we have to break the image to see ourselves through a broken mirror so that we can get a new perspective and not seek to redefine ourselves per se as I believe this can create psychological problems for people but to instead move to a new whole where the past is integrated with the present and the present aligns with the future that our hearts are guiding us in. If we neglect the past it is just as much neglecting our hearts directions towards the future for our hearts were still involved in every decision in the past and our past needs that information in fact it stores that information so we can’t even get out of learning from it even if we tried. What happens is that because people understand how plastic the brain can be they leverage that as a creative interface for defining who they are. Which is okay experimentally often this can be a case of our hearts truly going through a discovery process, however when it is used as a vehicle for dissociating from who we are underneath and the same too when we subconsciously use a relationship to dissociate from following who we are underneath, in whatever way. We’re not truly living from a space of love if we ever could, we’re not living in alignment with the life harmony that the universe gave to us through the invention of our hearts to make for easy decision making. No wonder why most of the world is overly stressed in our most technologically advanced time period ever, right? Am I right or am I right? All of our relationships should be relationships of the heart first and then relationships of the mind, not the other way around. The second they become the other way around we cut ourselves off from our inner guidance system and dysfunctions arise which then create other dysfunctions to Band-Aid those dysfunctions and so on and so fourth where we comply with our minds continuous demands to do patchwork on an inevitably sinking Titanic. Throw the diamond off the boat! Session: My first best friend was in prep to grade two, his name was Sam. It was the first close relationship I’d ever been in where a PSYOP was performed on his mind to cut ties with me because his mother didn’t approve of the influence I was having on him, and well, obviously she didn’t like my mother all that much. It was the first time I’d ever been heart broken as kid outside of disappointment because I really developed a strong bond with the guy. We trained together when it came to running, we competed against each other, we walked to school and back from school together sometimes, Sam was a good friend however his mother was obviously over protective of him and didn’t get along enough with my mother to work through the dissonances her mother had over me. I was well known for being a little bit of a trouble maker in school and I almost never did my homework for example as my mother never encouraged literally any studious activities in fact one time believe it or not my sister who tried to be very studious ended up one day having one or all of her school modules thrown in the fire during a hearted argument with her. No doubt some irrational primal jealousy towards my sister. Based on how she’s treated her it would only be dissociation I believe that truly explains why my sister continually forgave my mother. Sam was being conditioned to be very studious and competitive in school and no doubt she was the type of mother who would speak to teachers about other students when she knew they were friends with her son, at least, that’s how it feels. My mother was a very stubborn woman without much space for disagreement of any kind and it was what harmed her relationship with my father first and foremost and so too my fathers relationship with her. My fathers a very down to earth guy who doesn’t really understand women that are flighty and emotional so whenever they got into arguments in their marriage it almost always ended with my mother stubbornly defending her irrational position or my fathers lack of empathy for her genuine concerns on things that needed improving. Empathy was never my fathers strong suit when it came to women, so it’s good he’s found a woman that was much more simple for him who was harder to fluster but less opinionated and curious. A very kind, honest, service oriented woman with an artistic streak that doesn’t stray too much into the imaginative. I still…. Have a few unresolved feelings in relation to the experience that are difficult for me to completely get through concerning Sam, I know somewhere in my psychology there’s like a slight angle that needs to be found where everything comes together. The feelings I need to explore more are guilt, shame, melancholy, love, envy (I wish my mother was as protective as his in important schooling ways), disappointment, disloyalty, respect, honour, guilt, responsibility, duty and integrity. It was a really life defining relationship for me, had our friendship never ended I when no doubt that I wouldn’t have been suspended and I would have had more incentive to stay at the school. Maybe we would have been friends in our next year of class no doubt. It brings tears to my eyes realising what a great friendship we would have had and realising that was cut short so early. I would have lived a completely different life. Exit to this Session: Of your movements Up ahead My mind a little faster, but your legs a little stronger Running rings around me on the oval, running rings around you in class Separated now by vast stretches of time, countries and wars can begin and end in it, many millions of humans come and gone in the time we haven’t seen each other Thus what makes this moment? … What makes this moment? I don’t have anything else to give you Sam I have no idea who you are anymore Whether you’re good and if you are how you’re good If you’re bad how you turned out bad and what you’re doing to change it All I hope is that love is truly in your heart because if love is there, no matter how small, you will do it, I know you can do it, to keep being the person you need to be, to be the person you have to become, my good friend, always and forever loyal to you no matter what Truth my good friend. Truth.

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #4: I genuinely believe that “all that exists” for us is the heart and everything else is a reflexive action based on the responses of the heart, all of which are predicated on its state, growth and all relevant inclusive’s there. On any of my theoretical points I am happy to discuss privately to any intellectual end, productively. It is my belief, that everyone will reach this conclusion with enough awareness and it will likely be an implication to all of my work here, if only with respect to the available information to enough convince where information was the main influencer in such an opinion.

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #3: “Michael I preferred you when you were cold, aloof, ration funny (or whatever you’d call it) and logical now you just come across too warm, close and silly. I don’t like you anymore.” Doesn’t bother me. Express the self fully and honestly but live ethically, like if I were running this site I’d be behaving more serious not because that’s what people expect from me but because that’s my responsibility and duty, I feel that here in my journals as well however naturally I give myself a little more leeway, I have to consciously try to care what others think of me as you know, like it barely enters in my mind, I mainly focus now on just being from the heart at all times and all other times previous to this work too though I was unknowingly relying too much on my intelligence. Everything else I’ve learned is now an “Empathy Boundary”, however just as you need to have an empathy boundary they need to as well, also this isn’t black and white, you both have the knowledge that you’re capable of providing it and you negotiate the terms through self and other understanding + vibing. Last words is that I get it, I have an advantage over most people with respect to many things but I am just drawn to people who are able to resolve the dissonances they have much more easily simply because I tend to be really good at that myself. Again though, my love is always there regardless, though I do have that natural inclination to be drawn to that positive attribute more than it’s opposite, the opposite being reflective with simplicity in the quoted sentiment. It’s just natural.

I’ve been dissociating almost since the onset of birth due to my childhood upbringing so I really empathise with your struggle and recognise it as real. I’ve been documenting my progress from dissociation in my Heart journal in a way where I don’t really go into specific issues I just shared my journey, emotional experiences and processing in various ways. I share my process in pretty good detail here however after reading this I recommend either going back to the start of my journal, starting from “introduction 1” or both. At present, I don’t really want to be giving advice in SEP until I’ve recovered enough from my own “childhood trauma”. To me, that just seems like the right thing to do, I couldn’t respect myself to the desired esteem if I did otherwise. Much love and respect hey, I get it. For me, therapy never did it. They can’t provide me with emotional support as I get that from other people anyway and any intellectualisation I generally do better like if we start getting at all intellectual I start reverse engineering all of their speech patterns to the point where it all just becomes a bit ridiculous. I learn so much from myself and my understanding, observation and sincere and heart felt learning from others, especially loved ones.

Wisdom of love. (unrelated to anything in my journal so far but is an important addition to this journal)

My bad, that would be gifts + acts of service, the latter because she used to go and buy it for me while I waited on the oval like 500m away wondering why she was taking so long (haha just kidding but I was waiting and I was far away).

Outside these two girls above and I've told almost no one I think about Bridget at close to 7 years old as well I believe, Bridget was honestly one of the sweetest young women I knew back when I was 7 and I genuinely believe looking back she was like in love with me. She used to buy me food from the canteen for free during recess and lunch. Acts of service was obviously her love language. Haha. She was like my sugar mama. I felt a little guilty about it at the time I remember, so she wasn't exploited for all of her assets. She loved the bad boys haha. Sometimes though the badboy is more likely to get suspended though and never come back. And that's what happened as we know. I got suspended as I talked about earlier here.

Her name was Amy. But I also liked Meredith. Meredith’s father was mayor of our suburb at the time!

Wisdom from the Shark Tank #2: “Michael won’t strategise when it comes to his relationships, like he won’t try and manipulate people.” As if to say, well I must be wrong. No I’m not desperate that’s why. Only someone sad and lonely is going to try and manipulate and guess what happens when you’re manipulating other people you’re meant to love all things being equal, you end up still feeling sad and lonely because you realise you’re in a relationship where you feel you can’t just be yourself. When you’re in a relationship to manage your emotions it means you can’t manage, learn and grow from them. It means you’re not fully individuated enough, it means you’re not fully mature enough to have a relationship. It means the other person shouldn’t trust you when it comes to whether or not they feel they can truly confide in you as you don’t have enough love in your heart, you haven’t healed enough from your unmet needs, your heart isn’t whole enough to have another’s heart inside of you so that you’re protective of theirs at all costs.

Shark update #1: These prison walls Dearly departing Burning away like snake skin covering the sun Of truth Of the heart Made of light so then we are all light bearers Hailed down from the kingdom of heaven Motion interrupted Echoes bloom fortuitously with invisible reason Minds see sight and it bears arms We now are the witnesses to our own court case Sentencing ourselves to years of growth Prison guard no more She moves in different angles as my angles change Mirrors shine against mirrors Reality anew Speechless wonder we’re all designed to see through So these prison walls slowly disappear and our past states of being Fall away Into the new that was always concealed Our book of spells in truth Are our Books to freedom Love

Wisdom Memo from the Shark Tank #1: Yeah just politely say goodbye to abusive people from your life if you ever got a problem just come to me but my policy is that you’re also not abusive hey. I’ve said some things sometimes that I’m not proud of, so I wouldn’t have accepted my own behaviour in some ways, that’s a negotiation I would have had with a clone of myself if I were having a relationship with an alternate more evolved version with myself. You have to look at the context from a broader view though, try to read between the lines of what’s happening beneath as well as the network upon which this thing occurs. Don’t allow a behaviour to go unnoticed from yourself, like if it’s impure so not from the depths of your heart, that’s when you know you can with that same heart intuitively understand how to correct it and not put your hand in the cookie jar but instead see through the cookie and the cookie jar, the jar and everything that it’s made of simultaneously and just have love for everything there then act from a place of that love which may or may not involve eating it, but if you’re going to eat the cookie, why would you not eat with love? Why are we choosing to sustain our lives if we’re not sustaining them for the love of living? Do we want to live a life of where we’re exercising the opposite? I know that opposite feeling and trust me when I say this it doesn’t create what the universe would have wanted us to create put it that way, we have these alternate conditions of state to learn from state enough that we no longer see it as ourselves but an integral part of ourselves that truly guides our actions when we understand it and love from and with it from the deepest depths inclusive of but limited to our hearts. Yea I was a cookie stealer as a kid. I was… I do feel a little guilty… Every body can change but a change only comes from a change in heart and a change in habit in relation to it so that change remains. Know and do with wisdom, teach with your heart as mine naturally does.

Introduction #9: Firstly, it may feel like the following are “tough truths” to absorb but for me they’re really not, instead they give me precise directionality to both locate, give meaning to and direct my sense of purpose. I hope that this is the same for you or at least, can be interpreted with the same or similar constructive effect. The conscious mind cannot be trusted when the heart has not yet fully healed, when the heart forgets itself the functioning of decisions will return back up to the conscious mind without one even being aware of it. The mind is contained by a set of webs that we can easily get tangled up in unnecessarily and even if we have a model to follow, we see only ever a shell of what we truly are underneath by solely following the mind. In order to do this work properly you have to realise, that a feeling is not true instead the truth will reveal the feelings that we should follow. The heart is the heavenly river you traverse towards discovering this truth, hell is in the opposite direction. Notice as you sink more deeply into the heard with the focus on the truth such as the truth of being, the truth of your heart, the truth of your souls progression, new feelings sometimes emerge behind other feelings especially the less pure those first feelings are? Then you know then, that feelings are not true or the truth but that the truth and following the truth more and more deeply reveals true and or truer feelings. So as I sit here, shaking. Staying true to the heart, to ensure my consciousness does not deviate from its connecting with it. I lay in wait while holding firm, creating the space for being to sink more and more deeply into the heart rather than creating no space at all and pretending that I am centred when I am not. The precise instance I do not hold true, the whole of the universe caves in and my consciousness is fed a lie about life and my direction, the more instances I hold true and deeper this connection when I do break like going to sleep and waking up again, the distance between me and the self is shorter. There must be a space of allowance, while holding firm, the heart will communicate with the conscious mind and begin to show it doorways to its nature and what it has experienced in this life. You must not be either persuaded by appearances nor neglectful in what is being shown and appreciative of the learning that can take place here. Recalling in previous introductions, this is work that grows the heart, brain and the connection between the two, inclusive of the nature of healing. Just like we do not grow a limb overnight this is the same story for the heart and it’s connection with the rest of consciousness and consciousnesses communication with the depths of the heart and the universe that it enjoys sharing with the rest of being. Your entire body may completely go from not feeling anything to changing its compete state after the heart sends a signal to the brain and then the brain sends a signal in conjunction with the heart to the rest of being and greater consciousness. This alternate state is likely to reflect the emotional learning that the heart is wanting to undergo and thus why it has sent the particular signal it has sent. As eluded to previously, the deeper you go the more your body will respond reflected in changes to your outward state. No matter where your consciousness takes you, you must always remember that your heart is your anchoring point. Your heart… is your anchoring point. Your body in these consciousness signals, may change abruptly like this or the consciousness signal say in the form of a memory or other related manifestation may call upon your body to change, there is a subconscious choice selection your body is going to make in this instance. Stay with say the forgotten past memory or react fluidly in the way the body is asking you to react which may be to move away from the memory. Stick with the memory. Counteract the bodies movements and stay with the consciousness signal. You want to fluidly create the space for allowing yourself to perceive everything possible from this signal in feeling and all other perception. This may require sometimes a “holding action” rather than allowing the body to follow through with a “rejecting action” that then may for example dismiss the memory and experience, and therefore, the learning that your heart wants you to undergo. Again, you may experience shivering sometimes, shakes, not from the “cold” but the relentless desire of your subconscious to switch from focusing on and resonating with the heart. You’re just not used to being connected and because it’s in constant contact with the brain it’s communicating subconsciously with all of the cellular data including the suffering you’ve experienced in both your brain and your heart jointly and individually. So shouldn’t a little turbulence like a plane flying through a cloudy storm be normal? But you must hold onto your steering wheel, don’t let go and don’t over do it. Again, simply focus as purely as possible as you can on the heart. No matter what. Again. No matter what. You will feel pain sometimes that you want to escape from, in these instances focus as subtly as possible on the most pure, beautiful and simple impressions you can, the most truthful elements beneath any pain. This will begin a natural transmutation process where your heart automatically through intuition begins a burning phase which in conjunction with the brain and greater consciousness too, begins a learning phase. The truth is an arrow that I want you to direct towards your heart. Lastly in saying this, I want you to develop the ability to distinguish between “truth signals” and “false” signals more and more as you develop competence on this act, a truth signal will appear more from the heart and reflect the deep of truth a false signal will either feel more mental and or feel less from the depths of your heart. If it’s “mental” then it feels much more like a projector stemming from a connection with the heart than it does just mental noise. More it feels much more like “consciousness” than I does “mental”. The exercise: for those that are new here, all the exercise involves doing is simply focusing in on the heart with conscious attention continuously as deeply and as purely (so truthfully) as possible. That’s the exercise outside of say incorporating other sentiments I’ve shared in previous introductions, like staying with the truth signals to perceive everything possible that consciousness and the body is trying to heal and learn in that moment. So many permutations spur from this that I will describe with more and more nuance moving forward which is why you have to read other introductions. That’s it. Now allow the healing to begin. I do it for at least 5 hours a day now. PS - I also combine it with a memory exercise however I’m a long way from mastering it before it deserves sharing it present. Still pretty cool though. Benefits that I have so far received that I don’t at all our down to the memory activity yet are an incredibly vivid memory from this simple heart exercise for reasons that I have so far partially explained in previous introductions. Distant memories. As well as a more textured metaphorical emotional life. When I say vivid we’re talking without my trying or leading myself in anyway my mind will sometimes take me back to my home that I grew up in where I will be walking down the veranda say I’ll look in the window and I will see perfectly the reflections, lights and shadows as they ought to be based on the sunlight of the day. I will look at someone’s face or my hand and I will see all of their nuances with perfect detail. My imagination has always been really great however I have always had a jagged, fragmented memory due to trauma blocking it out. Now things are becoming increasingly more accessible as a result of this exercise. Otherwise personal idiosyncrasies are that I tend to unconsciously stim as an autistic would during the exercise as I’m attempting to access as much deep concentration that my greater consciousness can. It seems to help me. I have decided to incorporate the memory exercise I’ll explain at a later date to simulate “heart-brain” coherence as deeply, simply and purely as possible. “Coherence” is to the building of that described corpus collossum noted in a previous entry. To my brother: Session: I loved my brother with such incredible depth growing up. I once told him, “I would jump off a bridge if you told me too”. Of course, my brother did not understand the depths of my love and how they were a reflection of me seeing him as a father figure growing up. This ended up causing tremendous damage to me. Because although my brother intellectually recognised what he had created in me when I was a young boy, he did not truly understand the ramifications of it and so through the throws of life, he really, really broke my heart. He was never very good at empathising, I loved though his earnestness. I was always way more intelligent than him and I didn’t understand the effect this had in him, he seemed overall though comfortable with himself and I did my best possible to show him that all I really cared about was his love. He was never the person to meet my needs though, my mother and father were and so to this end I have guilt, though neither my father nor brother were very affectionate and even if my mother was she was so emotionally conflicted about her own life that she made me feel unsafe around her growing up. Like, as I examine the fidelity of my subconscious at the deepest possible level to see into the purity of my own reactions towards her, I felt extremely unsafe to feel emotionally safe around either her or my father. I absolutely lovingly adored my brother because he never punished me unfairly. Never. This was an incredible blessing for me even if he failed in certain areas and even if I failed to differentiate deeply and quickly enough to have a healthy relationship with him that was beyond and joined with our childhood roots simultaneously. All of these memories have been coming back to me about my childhood now. He used to take me fishing, okay basketball with me, I slept in the same room as he for a period. I even did community theatre with him one time. It was so great. I can’t believe all of these feelings have his dormant behind my dissociation. It’s been very overwhelming for me. Amidst these great moments though I experienced a lot of abandonment from him due to the period fighting and leaving he had with my mother. Among other things, not to mention the effect this has on him and his own sense of safety around love and bonding. There was a part of him that felt that he wasn’t able to relate to me because he wasn’t as intelligent and I hadn’t yet overcome my dissociation enough so that I could be less cognitive or if I was trying to bond that I had the emotional development to contextualise things between us. Exit to Session: My wandering child heart Searching for the peace within you So that I can find solitude in your arms Hold me, hold me And tell me you will never let go, that you will keep me safe And show me the truth of the world Lines of separation Misunderstanding My needs found to be misplaced and used up Fruits I must concede No destination and now faceless Traceless is my tie to you “Mother, don’t you hear me now? What on earth did you do with my brother? I cannot find him on the basketball court.” My brother, your invisible pain I wish I could surrender from you Love Would have been nice, was so Nice Love from my deepest to you Forever and ever “Mother, oh mother. Can’t you hear me now?”

There’s no liberty for the damned without proper condemnation just as their isn’t without the proper truth directed towards oneself, there’s no liberty for the damned if they’re completely damned themselves though just as there isn’t if we’re completely damned ourselves in the moment in order to be inspired by wisdom. All proper punishment is a punishment that moves the souls course upwards with a love that liberates them to see their potential and what they can create rather than a punishment that solely focuses on what they have taken away, while at the same time they must be shown what they have taken so they can also see what they can create by the same measure as an act of self actualisation rather than a cost to their individual sovereignty, in the same way that we must show ourselves how we have taken from ourselves to see by the same measure what we can create for ourselves through proper judgement and as a natural consequence have this be a better part of self actualisation that we feel not only redeems us but transforms us to our betterment, something that feels like we’ve moved closer to home, fulfilment and purpose, rather than self abandonment, self-deprecation and meaninglessness that I so often see mirrored in how people treat themselves based on what they have learned from their social environment. We can thus conclude by degrees that this balance is often neglected in our punishments towards both ourselves and others, most cultures though not all have this similar imbalance that through our example of love, understanding and wisdom in this sense, we can redeem these qualities towards… the better end.