I am from Hong Kong and it is my first time starting a new post. To be honest, I feel a bit nervous about describing my own situation and ... well, I know it sounds a bit exaggerating and weird that I have an impulse to delete all this text because well, I honestly appreciate all Leo’s works in actualised.org, and at the same time I am having some great emotional issues to deal with.
Emotions to me are very real and powerful. Sometimes thinking about some possible life changing scenarios, such as changing jobs, going for interviews, leaving parents, starting business etc, can get me physically nervous and I can also feel my heart pumps fast and now I get some sort of insomnia. The “thoughts about leaving comfort zone make me physically nervous” part is quite a common episode in my life. I have done some tests online to check whether this is anxiety. The result may not be accurate but I know deep down I am having lots of “hidden anxiety” that causes me unable to do something I hope I can. There are times I have to motivate myself with fear to combat fear. I mean, using fear of consequence of inaction to combat the fear of consequence of action. I know it really sounds stupid.
I really hope to live life passionately in the sense that my actions are driven by true passion and not by fulfilling other’s expectation. There are also times that I use playing mobile games and masturbation to escape from the negative emotions, or maybe to get some feeling of relief. But, I know they will make me unhealthy after all. And, I do appreciate that I should take 100 percent responsibility of my own life. It empowers me a little that there is hope to change, but the light is still dim in the short run because I can’t quite control my monstrous desire to overthink, procrastinate, do unhealthy stuff and so on. I do know everything is really about the mind but I still can’t crack it. I also had a hard time relaxing myself. One successful relaxing moment is that at night I turn off all lights and use a earmuff. Then I feel a little peace from this silent moment. This of course work effectively but temporary. Another recurring thought is that I am mentally ill (autism, SPD, depression, anxiety). By the way, I am 27 and my finance is currently okay. I innerly think I can be more than my current position (secondary school math teaching assistant) and hope to gain the position of math teacher in secondary school. But, in my spirit, I somehow know I can be much more than that but I don’t know how (and I am quite stupid and inexperienced). I have a vague vision of teaching the world mathematics (not only for HK) and this vision and reality seem to form a very large gap that I cannot suffocate. It isn’t despair since I still have the vision, but the process seems to be very confusing. I don’t know how my future goes. I don’t know whether my choices are correct. I don’t know even the proper steps. I also don’t know whether I can be emotionally OK if I take risky actions (such as leaving jobs) but since my heart pumps so fast when thinking about this possibility, it might be safe for me to assume that I am not emotionally ready but... does this mean every successful people start off as emotionally competent? I somehow highly doubt that because I guess they start off as anxious and then they have the persistence to go on. I am very hesitant when making a bet on myself. And this would be because of low esteem or fear of failure.
And this also explain why I seek video games and other forms of dopamine-releasing entertainment to numb this crazy ideal-reality dissonance. I really hope to change deep down, that I can work hard to fight for my goals. (I see goals like this: If I could reach it instantly then I will reach it, then it is a valid goal).
I apologise for the poor structure of the text. I am trying hard to unravel my own inner working and thus everything here seems ... weird. I am also aware that I am always unconsciously self-sabotaging. I am quite professional in self-sabotaging. This writing can somehow relieve me and make me aware of my unconscious. And, well, I don’t know whether it would be a good idea to post all this. There is a feeling that I will feel instant great emotion out of ego if I click the submit topic button, as well as potential regret because it is clearly my ego’s sleight of hand. And thinking this puts me in an awkward position. This reminds me that most of my thinking patterns oftentimes put me in an awkward position. Probably my monkey mind enjoys this sort of contradictory stuff and reframing it as perspectives.
Thanks for reading this long text posted by a probably low consciousness person.
