tashadwoodfall

I just got back from a private ceremony with 5 meo dmt and had quite a different experience than what I read others have had. I took 5 meo dmt twice during the ceremony (I had an opportunity to do it a third time and declined). The first time I went in I feel I almost blacked out and don't remember most of it. All I remember is my logic going too deep but I don't remember what exactly I was thinking about and then I remember saying "OMG" "OMG" "Holy FUCK!" "Holy Shit!" and as I opened my eyes I was in what felt like a different reality as if I have woken up for the first time ever out of the dream of my life. I looked at my hands and felt power throbbing through my body. I felt like there was an earthquake of power within me and I thought "oh man this is going to be fun" when thinking about what now I could do in this new reality. The second time I went in I just remember feeling a like 'negative' energy in the middle of my forehead sort of like distortion stuck there but I couldn't rationalize it. Then my lower body started shaking uncontrollably and the shaman said it was my shakti energy. When I woke up I once again felt an indescribable power within my body and felt as if I was in a different reality. I did not experience (or remember) a black void or light like others have described. I don't believe I got any deep insights into the nature of reality because I feel I blacked out almost. I remember feeling like "OMG" "HOLY FUCK" but I don't remember why. Is this my ego protecting itself? I don't know. I plan to do 5 meo dmt again (when I'm ready) this time with a higher dose because apparently my ego came back both times pretty quickly. I wonder if I will have reactivations and I'm figuring out how to integrate this experience.

I believe the uncontrollable shaking was indeed shakti energy. I'm glad I went to a god realized shaman and through a beautiful 4 hour ceremony.

Where Were You God I searched endlessly for God in the dark long nights Screaming out in pain how did I get here God I thought we were right Held down, raped, hit, drugged and tied, fighting with my thoughts I reached out to the light She used to be beautiful, she used to be kind, she used to be a sight At last I screamed out to God Satans not taking me I’m going out with a fight Where were you God because you weren’t there Then all the fear had left me and I was no longer scared Take it in your own hands is what Satan said was the key Well take me to hell and I’ll burn the place down like you’ve never seen Perhaps God used him to get me free I took a bottle and a knife and decided it’s okay if I die I decided everything I heard about God must have been a lie There were no more tears left for me to cry I don’t know how but something switched I started fantasizing about my abuser in a ditch Nothing could be worse than this life He was stronger but little did he know I hid the gun and I had a knife Besides I’m no longer interested in asking why The newspaper article flashes through my minds eye Fighting for my family, my soul let’s take it to the ground Now you’re scared boy you look like a fucking clown Lock yourself in the room and I’ll break this shit down And at God’s gate and courtroom I’ll take the fucking crown And I only need one round I’ll never forget that sound And before I know it I’m prison bound And I’m no longer able to rewind That girl I used to know is no longer kind And always kept reaching for the wine The trauma became too much and I lost my mind Then I’m in Psych wards being tranquilized Where were you God where was your sign I am love, I am strength, I am divine Again God you weren’t there Abandoned by my family, no one loved me no one dared To the point where I don’t care As I’m passing out I see grace Maybe it’s true maybe I can fight the case Self defense was a human right And judge Ritchie let me go with a hell of a fight And then I finally found a light On my daughter’s face when she was born on that beautiful night Years pass and I lost custody of the only one I love because of the booze And then after that I had nothing else to lose My daughter’s father left me Homeless and I didn’t know what to do Crackheads and onlyfans hoes have custody but for me that wasn’t true I’ll never forget the night I was crying and praying drunk at the bus stop And minutes later I was robbed Working my ass off now everyday to pay child support Always afraid if I make too much or get caught drunk I’ll have to go back to court Not able to eat he took my money anyway Lord I ask you to help rid me of this deep hate The person I became, I don’t even know I can’t trust a soul, it’s hard for me to let go Living day by day just chasing that dough It feels empty lifeless and cold And no one can really truly know They say God gives his toughest battles to the strongest souls But when you have so many demons on your back it’s hard to have goals Do you think it’s cool that you sit on your high horse until you are sought? Do you think children dying of thirst is forgot They say make up your own god it’s whatever you want But that sounds stupid, that doesn’t sound like a logical thought Deuteronomy 20:16-18 God orders the Israelites to "not leave alive anything that breathes You’ve committed genocide then you ask me to get on my knees? I’m supposed to love somebody I’m supposed to fear? But those days are gone, he’s not my God and he’s not even near And that kind of love is nowhere near sincere I have zero apologies and I already paid my dues I’m sick I’m hurt and I have been nothing but used Yet here I am continuing to lose How many times do I gotta hit that grey goose Before I start to refuse I’m tired of this rat race, this disease and this burden It seems every time I pray and think you’re with me things just worsen How many times do I need to listen to a sermon With or without it you’ve left me in desertion And things just keep feeling uncertain Forget the booze I don’t even want the bourbon I feel like I need a fucking surgeon Confession without repentance maybe it’s a sin Maybe I did it wrong I feel like I just can’t win But I stand by almost everything I said and almost everything I did They say “God judges the intent of the heart” But where’s his judgment where’s her judgement where do I start Where were you God because you weren’t there I’m done with you and I’m done with this share

I guess you could consider me Stage Green. I love tarot cards, crystals, incense, frankinsense, psychic readings, astrology readings, tarot card readings, full moons the whole nine yards. In the Christian community, I'm seen as worshipping 'the wrong God'. Anyhow the past two nights I've had some pretty terrifying night terrors. The second one most prominent. I was basically stuck in a cycle of waking up in my bed and thinking I'm going back to sleep only to find out I never woke up in the first place (because in these 'wake ups' I remember seeing someone around me who wasn't there and because in the first night terror I was having a seizure and calling my partner for help only to wake up and he said he didn't see me on the ground shaking like I was in this dream, and I don't have seizures or epilepsy or anything like that…). Long story short at one point in the second dream there were red flying demons and as I looked up it said to me "Don't worry there's 7 of us" So of course that next morning (today) I'm searching the internet about what 7 demons means and find out there's actually "7 princes of hell". I've never heard of this so I doubt it's in my subconscious mind. Now I'm thinking because I love tarot cards etc. that maybe the Christians etc. are right. There's so much evidence on YT about people getting into tarot cards and having similar experiences and then going back to religion. Example: Has Leo led me/us astray into some sort of 5Meo delusion/spiral dynamics. While I'm thinking I'm ascending am I actually regressing into more delusion? A few thousands of people follow Leo and his well thought out teachings but millions follow Christianity etc. for centuries and centuries. And please I don't want any answers to my question about Oneness and Nothingness. To put it frankly, I'm not there and it's just frustrating and doesn't help.

@JuliusCaesar Unfortunately there's no going back to religion after watching some of Leo's shocking videos so one might get lost somewhere in a dark place yet no one talks about the implications of that on deep levels @Tuku747 Thank you.

Actually just did a quick search on this forum and am seeing that even Leo thinks demons are real. There's a dark side to consciousness I suppose. Leo's 'Evil is selfishness' video is pretty misleading imo.

Almost coincidentally, a friend of mine invited me to Dinner while he was in town and we got into the topic of his first/last trip with Magic Mushrooms. Long story short I asked him if he heard of 5Meo DMT and he said that he's actually going to do it next month for his birthday and invited me to join! The natural stuff, not the synthetic version. I figured I better take the opportunity and feel honored/grateful the Universe is presenting me with this rare opportunity! I figure I should watch a bunch of non duality videos (including Leos) and sort of start preparing myself mentally!!! I have never done ANY PSYCHEDELICS in my life (and do not welcome fear about it from others) but I feel I may be ready to completely surrender my life/ego.

It's been postponed to next week. I'm so ready! I'll have a trip report

So I love my bf, he checks all the boxes except one. His dick isn't very big and he doesn't last long. Instead of cheating I'm considering asking him if he wants to explore like me having sex with someone else in front of him. Bad idea? If I ask him I'm not sure how he would react so I don't ask but at the same time I'm finding myself thinking about getting my needs met with someone else behind his back but we all know that isn't a good idea.

Well the good news is it went from an idea to not happening. We can work on the sexual relationship we have, it's all good. I also recognize that I either had this idea because of sneaky self sabotage or because more than just my sexual needs are not being met (he's extremely busy). Relationships are challenging. I'm also extremely hung over from New Years Eve so I'm feeling really needy/anxious (I drank A LOT).

@Thought Art Money is a good thing. Perhaps should even be a standard. Try not to be be so quick to judge women.

I decided to date a workaholic who wakes up at noon at works until midnight. What do I like about him? His personality, how smart he is, how we get along, how he looks, how he talks, the music he listens to, the beautiful energy he brings when I see him, his perspectives, the fact that he's successful and not too old, the fact I can see a future when he gets through setting up this new business etc. I've dated a lot and know I need to at some point make some compromises and his so far are not as extreme deal breakers as other guys with big dicks and sex that leaves you up at night… Is he selfish? Perhaps but I don't think that's a deal breaker. I'm selfish too if not more. We are attempting to do this dance. He's not as into sex as I am, he's more into other things and that's cute.

He doesn't have problems finding women, he has money and well you can fuck almost anything with enough money. It doesn't turn me on don't ask why lol As far as integrity goes I DO see a contradiction with my value of honesty so you got me there. He's not being selfish I don't think, he wants to make me cum he gets hard again afterwards and at that point it's hard for me to be turned on. The solution seems to be to bring a toy into the mix and I should cum first or maybe after and TA DA! Now doing that in a way that doesn't hurt his ego I'll work through it lol.

Would if she leaves? Will that cause problems? Why is she still here? What need(s) does she fulfill?

I wouldn't carry much with me after cheating to be completely honest besides getting my kick out of it and calling it a day. Do you have tons of hot women wanting to have sex with you and a partner you haven't cummed with?

I don't have problems with self respect, perhaps consider that cheating could save the relationship. The problem is our intimacy and perhaps not his size. He is very busy running several businesses and so the lack of time makes it hard for me to get emotionally turned on. And no I have not cummed with him and that's not okay. We will explore but at this point I probably need to bring toys into the mix or something. He's open minded and loves talking about sex but he cums way too quick no matter what so perhaps over time it'll change and I really don't see him spending much time learning about sex either so it feels like the responsibility is mostly mine.

I talk to Archangel Michael, Gabriel and Raphael every morning

But thank you. I will not ask. Bad idea. I don't want him feeling humiliated. I will just have to figure out how to be satisfied once per week for a few minutes or turn up the foreplay and call it "making love" at the end or something.

@Lyubov Leaving him for this reason seems stupid.

@PurpleTree Yeah not happening. I'll figure it out.

Why is it not okay?

Looks are not the most important thing to women at all. There are model like looking men with perfect bodies and a decent sized dick (they know how to use) that are also shallow and dumb as rocks and eventually a turn off or waste of time. Why does it matter anyway? If she's still talking to you, she must like you and if you're all that insecure, go explore other options and see how you feel over time.

Okay just to make things fun. Would if she's turned on by a particular size and he does not have it? Maybe he doesn't take charge in the bedroom like she craves and instead feels like she's leading everything sexual…maybe when she really wants someone there for her emotionally, he's busy with other things and so she's forced to seek emotional fulfillment through friends or other men. Maybe…the sexual masculinity she's craving (or containment) is not there. I have a lot of maybes lmao

Although intentions are good with those that say they have fear for me due to my past traumas I mentioned I've overcome (involving mental instability) and also because I have never done a psychedelic before—I can't help but point out that these opinions are based on their ego (spiritual ego in a sense…) and sort of disregards the fact that outside of this group, there are others who are using and experimenting with 5meo as a cure for heroin addicts etc.… One could also say that 5meo has an even more powerful purpose than shooting those of us who seek enlightenment into a temporary bliss… Maybe just maybe my brain is wired in a way that'll cause a more permanent experience then the average person. Part of my 'story' lol my father (Michael Woodfall) is an identity thief and has tested as a genius and my daughter has a very rare genetic/neurological condition (so does my half sister on my mother's side)…so this could be interesting. These are of course all just thoughts that's coming up as I mentally prepare.

That's great to hear! Luckily I've moved into passionate ventures so there technically shouldn't be a problem. Thank you for that insight. I also have a theory that if one has enough self-love and general satisfaction with his/her life thus far (which I believe I do), then letting go (ego death) seems it'll be a bit easier instead of a big fight. I suppose some of my egoic goals (perfecting my body, building a social media following, doing some cool photoshoots, getting engaged before a certain age, building my network more, etc.) may be shattered which is probably a good thing! and honestly I'm not that attached to these desires anyway or maybe they'll be enhanced!