Gesundheit2

An arbitrary and excessive form of growth is called "cancer".

Exactly. Not really sure about his line of reasoning for all the doubling-down.

Sorry. I just take what Leo says as dogma. He says I'm God and I believe him, even though I'm not really God. He seems super confident, so he must know better than me. Who am I to disagree? He's my guru.

Let's all agree with Leo that no one can awaken except each one themselves. And we're back to square one.

Prophets warned against the Anti-Christ. They didn't know Leo will come and become the Anti-Guru.

@Leo Gura All I'm seeing of you is an increasing sense of humor

And correct me if I'm wrong As if there is another option And it also isn't

@Leo Gura It's like you want to be misunderstood and criticized. Are you by any chance a masochist? You know that the newbie seekers are a lot more than the advanced seekers even within your audience, and yet you still keep doubling-down on this silly idea of sovereignty as if you don't know that it will confuse people more than help them awaken. You want to throw off all teachers from their pedestal and put yourself up there instead. Nice move. Or should people simply dismiss you and return to their gurus?

You can't tell that to a newbie because they will use it as an excuse to bypass the construction phase. You've read hundreds of books written by humans before you reached this point so you were ready to make the next step. I know you're probably aware of this but it seems a bit careless to state it that way when most people aren't great at reading context, especially when they see the words "highest levels" which are very appealing to the ego. But even so, it's not like there's a beginning or an end to construction and deconstruction. These processes are happening all the time, simultaneously. There isn't one ship but many, nearly an infinite number of ships, just not necessarily with the label "guru". The process of awakening is a process of learning/conditioning and unlearning/deconditioning. And unless you've learned everything to be learnt in the entire universe and then unlearnt all of it, then you aren't really at the highest levels yet (even though relative to other humans it might be the highest or somewhere near that). How much you learn = the maximum potential of your awakenings after you unlearn. There's also the realization that awakening happens through learning, too. God is everywhere, within life and within death.

@Loba Thanks for the encouraging words and the interesting perspective. I am sure that my financial struggle will come to an end soon, it's even more certain than the sun rising tomorrow. Just "how soon?", I don't know. I was planning on pulling that feat off before the end of 2022, but it seems like my plan was not quite accurate, and that it's going to take some more time. I've come a long ways, and it won't hurt to have some more patience. Thank you again, and I hope that you have a great day/night.

You need the ship before you can destroy it.

@Loba Thank you. I really appreciate your support and understanding. I think for me it would not have been as severe if I was informed beforehand about the situation. But since I was completely in the dark, I could not make sense of what was happening, which was very confusing to me that I had to guess and make assumptions. Otherwise, I think I would have handled it differently (but still at that time not perfectly). I think I know how to maneuver such situations much better now, given the situation I had to go through with my sister not so long ago. I had to deal with mental illness directly, and was able to handle it correctly. My sister is now completely normal, without meds, and back to work. I myself have developed various degrees of mental illnesses that lasted with me for quite some time, and I might still have some more that I'm not even aware of. I don't think all mental illnesses are the same. I think it's a spectrum when they're untriggered (at rest), and some are easier to manage than others, especially with the proper preparation and education. It just takes a little bit of time, effort, and selflessness to deal with them effectively. As you can see, I don't have any resentment for the time we were together, and I don't even blame her for what her family did to me. It was not her fault. I was hurt because they were stupid and managed the situation poorly, and I'm sure she felt guilty, too, even though she didn't have to. I always admired her morality and decency. That being said, I really have other reasons for not wanting to get back together with her, most of them have to do with my current financial situation (which is preventing me from wanting to be in a relationship at all. I'm almost sure I will get back on the market as soon as that's dealt with), and others that have to do with compatibility. You may remember that I thought she was "The One" or my "Twin Flame", now I realize that these were mostly her ideas that I somehow adopted out of my extreme neediness at the time. As for that person who offered love, I will do as you suggested and look for possible trauma triggers there. But as far as I remember, the main reason why I shut them off was because they were coming at me in a creepy way, reading all my journal entries, and thinking that they know me or that they have somehow "figured me out" just from reading some random thoughts of mine. As for my predator qualities, I think I have learned to accept myself as I am to some degree. But what I'm not comfortable with at all is sharing that truth with others. I don't think that I should tell anyone any specifics because it would hurt my image. So the shame is basically working in my favor, and I'm not sure if it's the wisest thing to let it go. People automatically assume that being a predator is a bad thing, and it is to some extent, but maybe it also can be tamed. Thank you for accepting me without judgement. Most of the times, that's all what anyone wants to receive, just some unconditional understanding. It always astounds me your ability to understand others, and to put yourself out there like that in the open. It takes a lot of courage, and I might just not have enough, so I keep hiding.

My petty ego/mind, with a spiritual master on the side.

As for my ex, I remember everything like it was yesterday, even though most of it happened back in 2020. I don't know where to start, maybe I'll start from the end where she broke up with me. As I look back now, it's clear and obvious why that happened. She had two main concerns before breaking up: 1) She comes from a Christian family and was afraid that I might return to being a Muslim. 2) She was afraid that I might be manipulating her and that everything I was doing and saying was just some cunning scheme that I was running on her. Of course, the autistic idiot at that time did not know how to handle that situation. He was not sharp/educated enough to understand what's going on, what to say, or how she was feeling and thinking. Both concerns were legit, and the answer was very simple. She was asking questions on one level but really her concerns were on another level entirely. Here's how I replied to her: I told her that it is possible that I could return to being a Muslim, even though it's unlikely but who knows? That's for the first question, which was about a couple of weeks prior to break up. She was not really satisfied with the answer, but apparently somehow managed to force herself to. She probably thought we could work it out later on. As for her second question, she asked me if I was manipulating her, and I said that it is possible and that she does not/cannot really know. That was the fatal mistake. It's clear to me now that her question was not really about what she was asking. It was about trust. "Can I trust you?" That was her question, but the autistic idiot did not understand. The truth is that I did use some manipulation techniques on her. But that does not mean I was a predator. I simply was needy and just wanted some love. Well, partially. I've come to realize a harsh truth about myself being a predator later on, which I might elaborate on in another post. So after me failing to provide her with groundedness, trust, and safety that she craved the most, she told me that she needs some time alone to think, ponder, and re-evaluate. I thought that was a manipulation tactic to keep me on the hook or whatever, so I posted a question on this forum and got some replies. Keyhole told me to give her some space and let go of expectations, which I did. A week later or so, she texted me with a perfectly respectful and decent breakup message. She said that she's just one page in my life's book, and that I should forget about her. Broke my heart, but I didn't reply or act on anything. I just absorbed the pain, and it felt terrible, like falling from a skyscraper, until I hit the ground. That was supposed to be the end of it, but it didn't actually end there. A few months later, on a Friday morning my phone rings. It was her. At 8 am she is calling me. I thought it was weird. I picked up the phone and started talking. It was what I wanted to hear, but not completely. She missed me and called to make sure I was okay. I told her everything was alright and that I was just glad that she's okay. Then things started to get weird. First she started talking very quickly as if words were escaping away from her (flight of ideas, classical sign of psychosis). I told her to calm down, and she did. I asked her how is her studying going and if she was prepared, she said it was fine. Her exams were to start two days after. Then she told me that a certain person was my godfather (delusional thinking), I did not even catch the guy's name. Then she started telling me that she experienced ego-death and that her family took her to some person that gave her psychedelics (they took her to a psychiatrist and gave her psychosis medications). I started asking for details, and she said here take the person who gives me the psychedelics (it was her cousin, and he was giving her the meds back then). He took over from her and immediately started threatening me as if it was my fault or something. I was shocked, and started shouting back at him. I did not know what was happening. He cursed me then hung up. The first thing that came to my mind was that she was kidnapped by some terrorist group or something, so I was worried about her. I know it's very dramatic of me, but sue me. Maybe I was psychotic too. I tried to call her back for an hour or so. She did not pick up until finally. And when she did I told her to go to her aunt or someone that she trusts. She told me that it's okay and that she's happy with that person. I asked her do you trust him. She said yes. I was like okay, just be careful. Then apparently he took the phone away from her and hung up again. I did not know what to do. I was still thinking she was kidnapped, so I reached out to her best friend. Apparently, she was as clueless as I was. I stayed on alert for a couple of days not knowing what happened or if she's okay. Her phone was off the entire time. Then some stranger contacted me on Facebook and said he wanted to discuss her situation. I talked to him and he explained the entire situation for me. He was a psychiatrist who lived abroad, a friend of her father's, and wanted to tell me kindly to back off. I was like, what the fuck dude?! She contacted me after we were broken up for at least five months and you're telling me to back off?! Turns out he was misinformed about the facts. He thought that we were secretly talking the whole time and now we got caught. So I explained to him, and he seemed to believe me. He said that regardless of that, I might be the reason why she became psychotic in the first place, and that in order to help her recover I must stay away. I was not convinced, as I have some medical background and am somewhat familiar with the basics of psychology and psychiatry. He finally confessed that it's her father's desire for us to let go. I told him to give me her father's contact, and thanked him for his time and sincerity. Later that day, I talked to her father. He's a doctor who works/lives abroad in Saudi Arabia the whole time and only comes back home for one month every year. We talked for some time, and he seemed like a jerk. I did not like him at all. He wanted to blame me (and Actualized) for what happened to his daughter, even though it was entirely his mistake. The amount of pressure he put on her to ace school was crazy. I'm sure he still does the same till this day when she's in college (pharmaceutical). Anyway, we talked back and forth and I asked him why he was opposed to our relationship. He said religious differences were the main reason, and then he went as far as to threatening me with the police if I didn't back off. I told him to go fuck himself, as I hadn't done anything illegal. Apparently, he was just trying to scare me off. Eventually, I realized that this whole thing is simply going to cause me headache on the long run even if things worked out in my favor. After all, it's not going to be easy dealing with a person with a history of mental illness, let alone the familial differences, and other stuff. I realized that it was not worth it. And some part of me even gave up the whole idea and accepted the fact that she might never return back to normal. I accepted the possibility that her soul might have just disappeared forever while her body is still stuck here. It literally totally destroyed me. This whole messy event, and everything related to it. It was a total nightmare for two complete days and nights. It felt extremely terrible, even worse than the original breakup, and for what? I still felt terrible for a couple more months until I went on that vacation/retreat in Tortoise city where I finally had my closure and final resolution. I buried the past in the ground and sealed it with magic in the form of music, in order to protect myself from it for the rest of my life. It worked, and I was finally healed. I don't feel anything for her anymore. It all stopped back then. And I was a free man once again. I don't regret any part of what happened, even though it crushed me, because getting my ego crushed made me better and stronger, as it always proved to do. If you are reading this and you recognize me, I'm sorry that you had to go through that psychosis experience. And I'm sorry that you had to grow up without parents, with your father always abroad and your mother dead since you were little. But I can't take the blame for what I didn't do or directly cause. I realize how much of a needy scumbag idiot I was back then. But we were happy together, and we had a great time. It was wonderful being with you, cuz you are wonderful. But life goes on. I grew up a lot. And learned. I learned while I was with you and after that. Life does not stop for one person. Like you said, it's just one page of our lives, but the story goes on. I don't currently have the time or energy for relationships at the time. But even if I did, I would not want to get back together, cuz we are clearly on different paths. I know you didn't ask to get back together, but I can read you like an open book (or maybe I'm just crazy and hallucinating). I'm sorry that I can't be your friend, either. I simply don't want to, cuz I know it won't work. I hope you will have a great future ahead of you, and that you will find all that you seek outside of me. Good luck on your journey. You were nothing but good to me, but we are simply not meant to be together. Take care.

Some interesting things have happened while I was off the forum last month: Leo dropped a bomb about his past that he was molested. => I have no comment. Leo posted a video about socialization and how it makes you stupid. => It was a stupid video. I won't go into much details, but his views are myopic and not very much nuanced as he claims. Leo believes that porn and masturbation are not different from sex. If that's how he thinks in general, then for him reading books and interacting on this forum should not be different from socialization in principle, which means that he's always socializing both passively and actively, which makes him almost as stupid as everyone else, at least in his own estimation, which breaks the credibility and insight in his video. => Debunked. However, the video might be useful for people who hate themselves for being introverts in that it can help them accept themselves and their inclinations. There's value to what he is saying, it's just not very powerful or deep enough. Just look at the title "How Socialization Makes You Stupid". Regardless of its click-baity nature, it is mostly made of victim mentality for antisocial victims. Socialization makes you __blank? It just makes you __blank, like you don't even have a say in the matter. What the fuck?! Remember the days when it was all about you and how much you take responsibility and ownership of your life? Remember when you were the only arbiter of what happens to you in your life? Even if your house was robbed against your will, it was your responsibility. You are God. Remember that message and how powerful it was? That was Leo. Not this weak whining victim that likes his privacy/sovereignty and can't lose his will or surrender and merge with the collective. My view is that socialization can actually make you very intelligent if you are open and receptive, but it's a different kind of intelligence, one that Leo probably demonizes and does not like at all. He thinks that his years of contemplation alone are like going to the gym for the mind. While that is certainly true, it is also true that socialization is like going to the gym for the senses. There's no contradiction, and everyone can do both if they want to. You can work on developing your thinking and sensing one at a time or both at the same time. You can choose to have two strengths. Or you can choose to get stuck with one strength and one weakness. Just my 2 cents. Obviously, I've come to realize some very deep and profound insights about myself and life in general. => I might talk a little bit about some of those later. My ex became active for a while on this forum, she posted for a couple of weeks then she stopped posting. It was merely a coincidence that I was off the forum during that time. I was actually thinking of never coming back, but then I got weak and missed the general atmosphere, which I have had some insight into, as well. Anyway, I might talk about this later and tell my whole story with my ex. I have no way of knowing whether she recognizes me with this username, but it won't hurt to talk about my side of the story. We'll see.

It's all good. Glad to be back too. She's really cute! I like her energy. She keeps running, jumping, hunting, biting, and basically playing all the time until she gets hungry, or tired and sleepy. Realistically speaking, the game is not difficult to make since it's very simple, but for my current level it was a bit challenging. The more I learn and gain experience, the easier things will get. Then complexity becomes more of a time issue, meaning that more complex apps/games will simply require more time to build, but otherwise there shouldn't be any major challenges anymore. Does the autoimmune stuff have a psychosomatic element to it? Like, has it been related to your general mood and state of mind? Or is it the other way around, that it's the main thing that triggers stressful states? I learned this principle from a programming tutor on YouTube. It's really powerful! Haha, that will probably never happen. Even if I die, I will probably come back in some ghost form and haunt this site

@Loba No worries, I was just taking some time off and focusing more on programming, thanks for the initial one week mod-mandated vacation I made this little game for my little sister and her little cat Sandy: https://sandy-match.netlify.app/ Anyway, I'm glad that you seem to be getting your libido back. Libido is a sign of health, so all I can make of this news is that you're healing from that autoimmune disease and past traumas, and that it's only a matter of time until you fully recover and experience the fullness of life. I think the worst part is finally over, and so it should be all downhill from here on. Progress over perfection, we're all in this together. I missed you and Zero.

@Loba You are not pointless. You are Assal.

Even though I probably am a sneaky bastard, I do somehow get this "existence/present moment" paradigm that you're speaking from. Sometimes I imagine it, and sometimes not. But mostly, I imagine that I imagine it, or not

Alright. But that's besides the point. You said that it's an assumption to think that there's nothing new or original. But still, even the greatest scientists and inventors did not magically make their innovations out of thin air. They simply built on top of what was originally there. Facebook is not technically an original thought. It's basically just a styled hub for email. Creativity is not creating something from nothing, rather it's seeing distinctions and finding connections that have not been seen/made yet.

That's just idealism linked with spirituality. How is that original? https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/idealism/

You always claim to have access to infinite intelligence and stuff like that. And correct me if I'm wrong, but not once did you ever come up with anything new or original. Can you give a list of what infinite intelligence has revealed to you that has not been revealed to others? Show us what original innovations you have made so far. What have you said that had not been said yet?

You can't really use reason to debunk Buddhism, because it strives on paradox and can deconstruct any reasoning right away. But yes, Buddhism is ultimately false. That's what you realize after practicing it correctly.

My experience is that most people are shallow, regardless of wealth/income. Even those who I consider deep and highly developed have shown to have blind spots in some areas, and sometimes even blunders. Myself included, btw. Be careful of the trap of romanticizing poverty and demonizing money. It should not be a surprise that intelligence/any overemphasized quality is not the ultimate game-changer in life. Most of the times, luck is the most important factor. Any human with basic capabilities and mainstream ambitions/programming can have a premium life with the right amount of luck. That's probably what those rich people that you've met are.

It's been a while...