Rishabh R

@TheGod I have also been chasing illusion by thinking that getting a relationship would fulfill me but the reality is that it won't. Even though I never had a relationship but there have been many receptive women in my life. Btw , great post.

@Schizophonia I disagree with you as this forum can be seen from a different perspective such as growth fostering forum. There is a reason that this forum is called Actualized.org self-improvement forum. Even though there are certain limited negative stuff in the forum but majority of advice exchanged here is good. As per @Leo Gura how could you know that he is not sociable and neurotic despite not knowing him as a person. You are making assumptions about him. That proves his point that nobody cares about truth but rather we care about our assumptions about truth. The point is to question those assumptions and before that we must ground ourselves in not-knowing.

How to approach a girl whom you genuinely like and how to know weather she is single without asking explicitly? Otherwise you would land in trouble by approaching a girl who is already in a relationship. Is scanning for pre-approach signals the solution ?

I watched this video and it is based on a lesson from Mark Manson's book Subtle Art of not giving a ----. When I tried to accept the message while reading the book it felt bad at first but later it felt good as stated by Mark. From my perspective -The video is very accurate description of human condition.

I also learned that romantic rejection is saviour from a wrong person in life. I used to be jealous of my batchmates dating beautiful girls but when I saw that they broke up frequently and the girls move on to other guys I realised the above lesson. I saw it happening with multiple people.

Yeah absolutely.

@Princess Arabia Ok. Thanks for the nuanced reply.

I have never had a relationship in my life but found many receptive girls and hope that I will find more in the future. From exploring dating I learnt a hard lesson : Getting hurt and angry by focussing on unreceptive girls is useless which gets you nowhere. Rather focussing on receptive girls and interacting with them is the biggest reward you can give yourself in the realm of dating.

Ok thanks.

@Husseinisdoingfine Seeing you gives me hope that life can improve no matter how bad it is even though I don't think that my life is bad.

@Razard86 Absolutely. How people interact with you is based on what they think about you. I used to be angry when people act in such and such way and that's because I hold a concept of how others are in my head. However, with thing such as disrespect one must stop caring about people's action so that one is unshaken by good and bad behaviour maintaining their poise/grounded ess.

I also fell into the trap of limerence in the past. But when I realize that I don't actually like her but the idea of her and applying the principle that only pursuing a girl whom I like I found another girl who was receptive to me.

@Schizophonia and @Sugarcoat I used to suffer for not having a relationship back then in college when people around me were in relationships and girls were choosing dumb players and there is still some part of me that suffers for it but it has been lessened. But as said suffering is the greatest teacher. It taught me to embrace negative emotions. As per girls choosing stupid guys remember that most of those relationships eventually fall apart. @Schizophonia what's best is to find girls who are receptive to you and it's a reality. While majority of girls won't like you , few will .

I remember that when I was contemplating- How do I get a girlfriend ? All I got were the insights - By realizing that it doesn't matter. By not trying to get a girlfriend. By realizing that girlfriend won't make my life easier or happier By realizing that it is impossible for me to not find someone in life By realizing that receptive girls are better to date than non-receptive girls By not making it a huge deal By moving forward after rejection and realizing that no matter how much I am rejected there will be receptive girls By not chasing girls who show signs of dis interest By picking up on receptiveness signals and acting on them

To frame the way this thread is framed is very damaging for both genders.Why not view both genders as worthy equals even though interests might differ for different individual in the same gender.

@Someone here I am also struggling with the emotion of anger. What gets me out is acceptance of anger and also telling myself that it's ok to feel this way. As per toxic people the best thing is to distance yourself from them.

Is it better to accept the things out of one's control or stop paying attention to those things ? Example: In the future I have entrance exams for PhD. Is it better to accept that I might not qualify or focus on my preparation rather than the fact that weather I would qualify or not. Secondly, I find myself become reactive to mental imagination of the people in the past. How can I deal with that ? Finally , @Leo Gura you talk about confidence being a product of massive experience. I have experience approaching more than 100 girls, giving many exams, is looking at those experiences and reminding myself that I have overcame many hurdles ,adversities like them a way to build up confidence ? By the way I have noted down every challenges/obstacle/adversity I have overcame from big to small. The image is attached here. Thanks.

@Leo Gura How to get more experience with girls as I am out of college now and in public places cold approach is seen like stalking in India? My friends in college treated me inferiorly and bragged to me that they had girlfriends while telling me to study and not engage in these sort of things like dating etc since I am a child. Girls in college treated me poorly while interacting with them while and started dating other guys who were narcissistic . How about these situations ? I hurted me to the fact that I suffer till date when I think about my college experience. Apart from education the socialising experience of mind in college was extremely awful. And I observed that those guys who were younger or of my age despite being successful in dating girls and going from girlfriend to girlfriend they used to become very insecure as even when I talk to their girlfriends regarding some matter they threatened me or insulted me . Their relationships were built on dominance rather than mutual trust .

@Natasha Tori Maru Great wisdom.By the way how about reframing the situation in a more positive light such as - This failure is an opportunity for improvement, growth.

Thank you. By the way whenever I fail I reframe it in the light of growth mindset. I feel good afterwards. Few months back I was not able to crack multiple PhD entrance exams which were competitive (in India). In one of the government exams I scored pretty low but I felt awful after seeing the results for only half an hour. Regarding other ventures I was placed in a pharmaceutical company on campus but I left the opportunity since at the joining date I had my PhD entrance . People , I have a question is reframe important for confidence when you fail or mindlessly failing over and over again. I have noticed that reframe helps in most cases to improve in a situation. Also, regarding girls I have observed that atleast few of them respond warmly to my advances.

@Ontology A fellow 24 year old here who has graduated University now . Since you have already gone further into the self-improvement field , I would say that you must focus more on expanding your presence.

@OBEler I know that you know that but I am just telling you to consider the holistic nature of the gender.

@OBEler Let's take an example. All men are attracted to women which is common as we are biologically wired for it. But how come some men form relationships with women earlier in life while some men form it later in life. Some men have their career life handled but don't have their social life and personal life in place. Biologically men are same but personality and also upbringing ,past conditioning as well as psychological factors also play a role.

@OBEler Not all the men are the same. Some are introvert, some are extrovert while some are in the middle. Also, genetics play a role. Every woman is different. Not all are like that. I was hurt by few women in the past to the point where I have the pain till date but few other women liked me for who I am. It is possible that I am not looking the past in a holistic manner and not considering my full past but cherry picking events from the past. However, I writing this not to defend women as women can do awful things too just as men can do it.

I contemplated for 30 minutes - How do I overcome external negative events ? The answers : - By realising that they are temporary -By thinking long term effects of these events -By realising that external negative events impact diminishes over the course of 5,10 years -By thinking far ahead in into the future -By realising that my actions and words matter more to my life than what others say or do -By focussing on my actions and words Thank you.