Denial

I'm not gonna repeat what my problem is, but I'm desperately looking for something that can make me look at life in another way. Please share your insights. I'm literally living in hell right now.

@RillesWell, a lot of stuff Leo teaches seems New-agey. So I wanted a clear distinction and interpertation from you guys.

what is the difference between the new age and what Leo teaches?

I had a conversation about my psychologist about the fact that I have some autistic traits and I will further investigate if I have aspergers or not. Made me think about the spiritual work I have been doing for the past year. Does any people here with autism/aspergers felt their spiritual journey has been made difficult because of some autistic traits that you can't let go of? For example every time something significant happens to me, I have a deep urge to explain why that happen so that I get a sense of control on life, or maybe increase the likelihood I will get that experience again when I feel like I have understood it, and many other things that hinder me to wake up, or just becoming more developed at all. I have always blamed my problems because of OCD or ADD, but now I'm starting to think I need to address my issues from another angle. What do you think? I know I'm overthinking this Im just curious about your guys's thoughts.

@trentonGood luck to you too

@neutralemptyThanks for your help ❤️

@trentonBeautifully written. I have decided to let my self feel more even though it leads to chaos. Even though it leads to people hating me. Even though it leads to death. Living an apathetic life is just not worth it anymore. I get no joy out of it. The whole idea that you should be cold, and emotionless as a "man" is so fucking moronic. It leads to no worth, only egoic pursuits. Ive had enough of hiding. I wanna feel everything.

@RillesYo, this is my favorite song

Started when I was 13 I think, but it was more moderate. I could still enjoy stuff and my fear of death was stronger. The reason why spirituality has been dangerous for me is because it has lowered my fear of death. And I always to some extent wanted it. Had pretty bad OCD. It affected my school life, family life and relationships with friends. My inability to stop thinking is probably the cause of it becoming worse. I have a problem with letting go control. When I become happy, I get super paranoid that I might lose it somehow so try to hold on for as long as I can. Then I inevitably come crashing down to the same baseline. It usually happens when I become aware that I'm feeling better and then I become a control freak about it and can't flow with it. When I get the biggest sense of control is when I become apathetic about life. Because then I don't need to stress about anything anymore. It doesn't matter what happens. The problem is of course that everything loses it's meaning and I lose a drive to continue living. But for some reason I find that easier then to let go of it and become emotionally vulnerable again. To really feel everything. The reason why I ended up like this is because I have a lot of thinking compulsions. I was told to overcome OCD you have to confront the feelings that you get from not doing the action. And I have to some extent, but I end up just suppressing so that I don't have to do anything anymore. It's the ultimate form of control. My brain doesn't care that I'm miserable. It only cares about safety. That's why I ended up like this. If I'm gonna be happy again I have to accept that everything is out of control. I kind of feel like lying to people to convince them I'm a lot better, then just jumping off a mountain and be done with it all.

@trentonThanks. I actually want to take a break from spirituality because I haven't developed a healthy ego yet. If I have that it would be easier to let it go. I only get glimpses of peace and quiet (which is my only goal in life) and then I come back to my normal, neurotic self. I have lost all interests other than spirituality to be honest. I used to like make music, now I sometimes do to distract myself, but thats about it. A distraction. All I seek is peace, which has led to me attempt suicide. Now I can't even do that either because I am being watched, which is fair enough. People don't wan't me to die, but I desperately want that. Not even being dramatic about it, I just have had enough. Things that I'm trying to do everyday is to challenge my eating problems so that I can start to feel better. Exercise of course/ going for walks. But it all feels pointless at the end of the day, and just hoping that I get a heart-attack at some point, or my ego dissolves. It is very torturous when I obsess about spirituality all day long, but have such a neurotic, anal approach at it that it seems super hopeless. I only truly relax when the suffering has had its peak and I surrender, but thats only temporary and the cycle continues.

@Podie45Do you know Dr. K on youtube? He is a very good psychiatrist and very into meditation and raising consciousness in the world. I would highly suggest you talk to him about your problems. I'm not sure if he does private conversations, but his audience would probably benefit from talking about your issues in some way. Give it a check: https://healthygamer.ck.page/09c07d7d1d

@Joel3102Yeah I like the fact that he isn't really that ideological. It becomes very easy to go with a script of talking points when you become attached to your audience view of you. It can mean you lose money, friends and get more shit/hate. Destiny has butchered a shit ton of his viewers because they realized that he wasn't a socialist for example. Someone like Tim Pool/Ben Shapiro would never do that. But since Destiny only cares about making logical arguments and being independent it makes it easier for him to be more flexible. Even Vaush can be a little preachy sometimes, though more conscious than most online lefties I think. That is not to say though that Destiny is always right, and doesn't say stupid shit. But he does justify his statements better than most, even if he's wrong

Like I see for example Jamie Munday on youtube saying that if you see your watch with number "11:11" or "55:55" (repeated numbers) many times that means you are going through a spiritual awakening. And It sounds silly, yet I can't help but entertain the idea that I'm ignoring something important. Like I feel like I'm being watched constantly by other spirits or God or whatever.

I feel like ever since I became a spiritual person I have become very naive about the idea of faith. Like I will justify that "I was meant to suffer like this" or "The universe has my back". For those of you who have "realized" the Truth about the universe. How does this play in? Are there spirits out there, is there a thing such as faith? Or is Life just a Dream and You are God, but other than that you are alone. But even if you are alone, you have still duplicated your consciousness to infinite amounts of imaginations if I'm gonna take the non-dual approach seriously. Ever time I get a little more cynical I become more productive, but when I lose the drive to do anything I justify that my "enlightenment" will soon happen and that it's meant to be. I guess what only matters is what perspective is needed to survive and grow, but then you could argue that I should go back to religion to get more control out of my life. Which is something I don't wanna do, but feel like I need in some sense to justify my suffering. That's what happened to Eliot Hulse, but he got extremely toxic because of it.

@KaloThis contradicts the status quo in this forum. I'm curious about the non-dual view about life.

@CultivateLoveHe is emotionally repressed. Got neglected a lot as child. If he where start meditating or become non-dual/conscious he would probably kill himself. That may be harsh to assume but he is too comfortable being like this and have even said himself that if he were to explore his emotions he would fear that he might start suffering a lot like most streamers do. Which is caring about what other people think about you and neuroticism in general. All he cares about is playing video games and debating politics. In some sense I have no problem with it, but in another way the type of mindset he has about life is extremely cancerous which is the same mindset a lot of the right-wingers he has debated has. Which is egotism/maximizing your ego's needs and doesn't really wanna go deeper than that.

@CultivateLoveFucking true lol. I love watching him, but it's getting pretty unhealthy as I know that what he is doing isn't really that much out of the concern for mankind, and more just for personal entertainment. It's hard to do both, but I think he has done a decent job.

@Preety_IndiaBeing hyper aware and still doing dumb shit is even worse.

@Leo GuraWhat are your thoughts on Destiny? (the streamer)

@MokshaOk I'll stop treating it as work. Thanks. The sole reason I was interested in spirituality was because I wanted to avoid work lol.

@MokshaEven if I detach myself from thinking I still don't feel any sense of joy. All this spiritual work seems to be something to be just realized individually. I can understand what you are saying, yet I havent realized it. I have gotten temporary states of bliss, but they never last that long. I'm getting really tired of this mindfuck of a game I play with myself.

@MokshaWhy am I not able to do that?

I also have a dilemma because I have a deep interest in spirituality, but it has brought a lot of danger to my life, like suicide attempts, detachment from friends and family. Its hard to give this up, or take a break when its literally the only interest I have left. Im obsessive about it. Tried to make music again but I have no joy anymore. I only live to distract myself from suicide with stimuli like watching youtube videos. I'm getting help, might get antidepressants, but that's not gonna fix it all, and might make it worse from what I've heard about it.

Should someone do spiritual work if they are suicidal? I started all of this while I was very depressed because I realized the flaw in materialism. Problem is that if I can't even do basic stuff like going out there talking to people or get a job, then wouldn't the meditations almost be impossible. Like im expecting that I will transcend when I havent even met my basic needs as a human. Im trying to climb from the bottom of the pyramid to the top without sorting out all the things in the middle. The reason im typing all this is because Im pretty certain im going through a dark night of the soul. When I research about it online I get a lot of tips like continuing on the spiritual path and pray and meditate. I attempted suicide not long ago, the cops found me and sent me back. Meditation has lowered my ego, but the consequence of that is that I feared death less. If you guys think I should take a break from it, what else should I do? Surrender? My ego wont let me. Only temporary.

@NahmSpent my entire life using too much effort. Im using effort for being effortless. That put a smile on my face Holy fuck