Denial

@NahmSure. I don't actually think that the material world is garbage. Rather it is what I was being told as a child on what makes someone happy that I think is total garbage. But they couldn't know any better. I don't know any better too on how to wake up. I'm blind.

@NahmI have a hard time understanding what you just posted. Im aware that I am not my thoughts or feelings. I try to detach from it everyday. I dont think I'm ready to understand it either. Ill just accept that things are the way it is and work on the fundamentals. Exercise and diet. Having mindfulness. I don't have the free will to commit suicide anyway. Im being watched 24/7. I do admit that this spiritual work has been really dangerous to me and I wasn't ready, but I have learned a lot about myself. Just had an argument with my dad about it on how Leo has fucked up my brain. I got really pissed off but he is right. I do think though what Leo is doing is for the better for humanity. Not that I claim that I know what Leo "knows", but what he is saying makes a lot of sense to me so when I get caught up thinking about, committing suicide seemed so easy. Ive had temporary states of bliss during meditation and whenever I got out of it, the material world become a joke to me. Total garbage.

Accept it no matter what even if you feel like you're about to die. Suffered from this my entire life, I wish you good luck man.

@NahmNot sure. I just realized that the OCD made everything so much harder. I had a period of time were I was able to completely let it go. I noticed I was a lot more focused and present. When I went back to rumination as a habit and realized I wasn't able to go back to the present I became really depressed. Because I always assumed that I was an idiot. I wasn't. Was just deeply fucked up and still am to this day. Now its easier for me to let go of OCD rumination but the "dark night of the soul" still seem to be there. I am not too sure though if its clinical or spiritual or just both. Im the same guy called "Dunnel". I made Leo ban me so that I could a little break.

@neutralemptyIf its illegal I don't feel comfortable doing so. Ill try fixing my basic needs first. Im definetely curious about psychedelics though if thats what you're talking about. Heard a guy with OCD getting a lot better after trying it.

@SempiternityDont know how to get those. Hope it will become more accessible one day. @kag101Im at a place where I get medical treatment. I sleep there so that I cant attempt suicide. Talk to psychologist. Gonna get sent to another place in a few weeks to go deeper into the issue. Im just asking should I continue some amounts of meditation or just have overall mindfulness. I think this is also a spiritual issue. So I'm not sure if medical treatment will be as effective. Gonna do some basic stuff like exercising and fixing my diet too. I have some gag problems though so gonna be a challenge. @neutralempty

@neutralemptyI opened up to my family about suffering from OCD. After that I became deeply alienated with life. Think its because I started to look deeper within and didn't like what I saw. It has nothing to do with how my family reacted.

@neutralemptyI have no idea. Had general moderate depression when I was like 13-17, then after that it hit really hard. I think thats when the dark night of the soul started. All activities became meaningless. I desperately clinged to my old self. Everything felt like a lie. Couldn't stand other people anymore. Im almost 21 now.