It feels as if there are 2 selves in me.
The more awake, smarter, stronger self and the victim, sad , weak-hearted self.
Of course they are just past repeating thought forms manifesting because of the neurone pathways structured in the brain due to past unconscious, negative programming. There aren't really 2 selves right? We don't even exist in the first place! I just wanted to make identities out of the thought forms again.
The thing is that I am currently struggling, going back and forth between being unaware and being aware.
Reason: Anxiety
When a surge of sudden fear aries, I started to panic and lose my awareness. I let myself be consumed by the anxiety attacks, symptoms as long as it takes until it goes away. For about 1-3 hour, or half a day, my chest would ache, breaths would be shallow. (This has become a habit, a programmed reaction since I didn't work on relieving the anxiety in the past.) I've watched Leo's video on how to deal with negative emotions, I know the methods to process emotions and anxiety, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've succeeded a few times.
I just didn't do it maybe because I actually wanted it. I wanted to suffer. The ego could be afraid to die out if it doesn't suffer from anxiety anymore since anxiety has become a part of its identity and story.
Answer: Just work on being more aware and conscious, meditate, mindfulness so that the next time you can do it right. OK?
Next, I think that part of anxiety could be some kind of resistance to coming up of my emotions. "Inner crying", frustrations, resentment... which I am not aware of and have been suppressing. (I have psychosomatics.) Last time, I sobbed so hard in the bathroom, I didn't know the real reason but I resented my parents for not being there for me when I needed them emotionally. (weak, victim self/thoughts) Especially my mom, when I was in the victim mode and crying, I told her that I needed some help, therapy, but she doesn't support me going to a therapist because it's "weak" and shameful if others know. In the past, she made fun of my crying and weak-thoughts so I don't go to her to confide in her anymore now. But I bet she has some sufferings deep down inside that she's been repressing and putting up a tough front so when she sees me being weak, she doesn't accept it. Perhaps, her mother wasn't there for her emotionally so she does the same unconsciously or consciously.
The thing is that I don't want rely on anyone or be vulnerable in front of anyone since I don't really trust my friends or other people in my life. I want to be emotionally independent and work on this myself. (says the more awake, stronger self) It is indeed very lonely and I feel hopeless, helpless when I didn't have anyone (in my victim mode) I just wanted to let everything out and cry in front of someone without being judged and be accepted.
But I've come up with an idea! Next time, I could imagine a very compassionate, accepting person or an angel hugging and soothing me while I cry alone in my room.. haha
I think it is necessary to work out the inner emotions (to heal my physical condition) but I don't want to make a big deal and identity out of them. (Like healing the inner child, facing the shadow self and all.) I find Eckhart's way of addressing them as "the pain body" way much simpler.
I want to approach this with meditation. Vipassana, being present with the emotions, sufferings without judgement, and transmuting them, changing the brain structure, creating new pathways and all. I hope meditation will transform me to a better, wiser, calmer, more peaceful person. No more victim, suffering self..
If you are reading this, thank you for reading till the end! If you have any thoughts or advice please do tell! (This is why I joined this community)
