Study

Hello @Diane Thank you for your kindness! I tend to get bitter and negative. I need more love and compassion for myself so that I can be kind to others. I used to be so positive and energetic! It will take a while for me to be that way again. I gotta be patient with myself. It seems like we both have the same goal for now. Studying! I have exams coming up in June. I have to take this seriously. I wish you best of luck for your exams and your dream to become a cardiologist! 01/03/2016 Good morning! My body felt a bit "light". (?) Last night I worked on the emotions I felt for the day. I tried to explore them, recreate/recall the feelings and feel the fully. Man, I remember my body feeling really heavy in the past few days. All these suppressed, unconscious emotions and thoughts! It time I start learning about emotions from the beginning again.

I have been pondering on whether if dancing is a good thing or not. I find myself wanting to express the aroused emotions of excitement and thrill through bodily movements when I listen to energising, mood boosting music. Dancing makes you feel good, lifts your mood and it's therapeutic in a way if you freely express yourself, let go of the mind and express the inner emotions and feelings. The thing is, is dancing low conscious? I see that there are both types of dancing. (I may be mistaken.) One is low conscious form of dancing: it's when you get drunk or high. Or without any drugs, you let the emotions take over you and let yourself loose. Thinking is not there anymore, but what about awareness? Another (seemly like) higher conscious dancing: I consider (slower movements, there may be fast movements) like Ballad, traditional dance arts, some modern dances more high conscious. The dancers/artists seems to be in the moment, in the state of flow, consciously expressing the movements and emotions. And they talk about being "themselves" when they are dancing. I enjoy music (music can be addicting so I usually restrict the amount) but I find myself in conflict when I am listening to great music, I want to dance out. But I think that I shouldn't let the mind go after sensual pleasures for the fear that it is just seeking gratifications, I could get into lower state of consciousness. Instead, I should refrain and simply observe myself, the stirred up emotions, the desire and urge to dance. They may pass or they may not. And I would feel no more need to dance or feel frustrated. What are your thoughts on this? Is dancing Neurotic? Should you allow yourself to "Self-express" or refrain? Or try to maintain conscious awareness and dance?

Update: - More composed this morning. Reminded to not let the mind run around. - Listened to Dharma talks last night while meditating for an hour. - Watched a video on Buddhist monks, the teachings and practices. Very inspired by their dedication to practices and following the principles. I'm considering doing strong determination sitting. LoL Why don't you do strong determination studying first? It's pretty similar. - did a strong determination studying for an hour. Quite hard. - got exhausted (anxiety welled up) so I took a nap - in a bad mood in class, didn't concentrate, mental torture & anxiety - did some exercise for 15 mins I watched Leo's video on understanding emotions part 1 and I'm going to try to do as he said. Journal my emotions and thoughts. (I always journal when I have something on my mind, when I feel something I can't express and talk about it with people. But I never get to the stage of releasing the emotions. I was just recording what happened to me.) I tend to think I'm aware of what I'm thinking and feeling but I was just avoiding (skipping) the emotions and not feeling them fully. Maybe my anxiety is there because 've been suppressing and ignoring my emotions unconsciously. They just want to be felt and expressed. Released...

Hahahahaha! Reading my past posts I feel so stupid! What seems to be so important and overwhelming at that moment looks so petty and whiney to me. It's good to look back at what you have been thinking and feeling because you step out of the picture and see your past self from another perspective. (Which I didn't have enough consciousness to do that. How about now? ) I like to create internal mental, emotional drama and stories. About studying: I haven't been making any progress at all. It has been 22 days since I joined this forum! What the heck have I been doing?? The usuals. I got caught up in the seeking for enlightenment trap again. This journal is not looking so good. It's definitely not inspirational nor "enlightening" and deep. I am tired of being deep sometimes. And I am too serious and uptight. My leg muscles are aching. I need to take a breather. The thing is, I am a perfectionist and I expect myself to be the Best Version I can be. Infj. I have a list of all the values but I can't live up to my expectations. And since I am not being the person I want to be, I am really hard on myself. (in turn unproductively cause self-sabotaging habits and procrastination) I can't love and accept myself. There are lots of areas I need to improve... I will have to do this process slowly. Celebrate the little accomplishments I make. Baby steps. Got it. All I have to focus on right now is: Emotional/Mental Mastery and STUDYING. Meditate Study Nap Read Exercise Sleep Internet Mental Masturbation Being trapped in thinking & emotions I need to get a grip! Cure Mental Fatigue! Update: Just took a nap. I feel energised.

I too tend to look down and find faults (I don't really say them straight to their faces since I don't like conflict.) on my friends, society and family's behaviours because they are "low conscious". But I realised that it was not a good thing to do. Because I am focusing on the negative aspect and finding faults in them. Which doesn't do me any good for me except make my ego stronger. Just like leo said, when you see the unconscious behaviours in others and ask yourself how am I doing the same thing in my life. Access yourself on what areas you are still lacking and need to improve. Use the people to grow you. See them as a reminder for you to keep doing self-actualisation work. Approach them with compassion. It's time to practice loving acceptance towards people. (you are not really accepting their behaviours but the actual people.) When you don't accept the unconscious behaviours in people, you create frustrations in yourself which just makes you suffer. If you have to point things out to people, do it with compassion, not teachy-preachy style.

@Ayla So should I just drop all the thinking? (I can't actually drop everything but) just let the thoughts occur and stop thinking about who I really am? Thinking doesn't get you anywhere close to your true self anyways. Thinking about the natural of reality, self-inquires, contemplating on them, they will just create more thinking. These more thinking, they just get you to think closer to the "truth", insights. So you achieve "Right thinking" of the natural of reality and right thinking of natural of self. Enlightenment experiences happen when we drop all the thinking for a moment right?

I am more conscious and aware than those chimps. I am not lazy, I just haven't unlock my full potential yet. I just need to get these figured out, do more inner work and I will be ready to take on the World! I am very accepting. I don't judge. I don't need anyone. I have everything under control. I like you too! I don't lie! Yikes...

It's quite fun and liberating to take these tests as you find out a bit more accurate version of what type of person you are, and how you tend to operate. Remember to not "Identify" yourself out of these 4 letters. People change as time passes. (or maybe not)

Relationships. They are so troubling. I have to pretend to be like them so that we could relate and get along. Is it sucking my energy? How can I be my authentic self and not piss them off by saying I am not bit interested in what they have to say, you guys are Freaking asleep or let them think I'm weird and crazy inside. May I'm just narcissistic. There is still a Big Ego yes. I'd rather be alone but if I am alone too much and away from normal stuff for too long, I might not be able to know how to get along with people. I am so sorry for thinking about you guys that way. You guys are humans too. You just haven't revealed your inner selves yet. The insecurities, the depression, doubt, emptiness, loneliness, etc. I don't want to lie and pretend. I want to be more Authentic with people. I just didn't want to make them hate me. Gotta practice being true with people. Time to Meditate!

I am willing to be test subject too!

I often switch between different genres of music to listen to, whatever vibes with me in the moment. I listen to instrumentals mostly since they are not very distracting. Classical music, chillstep, celtic music, fantasy music, fairy music, mellow music, etc. Anime soundtracks. And Indies, alternative rocks, rock... I enjoy a few of good mainstream music, summer mixes, electronic music, remixes to pump me up, get motivated, dance. I usually limit the amount/time I listen to music becauseI don't let myself be too reliant on it. (One time, I was super ADDICTED to a certain song. I couldn't stop listening to it and my mom took away my listening device. I got so angry, pissed, threatened her to give it back by pretending to attempt to jump off the balcony! Lesson learnt.) These are my favorite channels. https://www.youtube.com/user/TheMostlyStrings https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXJU2L3HzKGOhLYEaqiqSrw https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnOTVWVaIh3NoJsbwq4Tucg https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCVPA8UIeyG-UIh-GoOCW-g

19 years old. Man after I saw Leo's video on biggest commitment I realised that I have to start getting serious on developing myself. I had lots of backslides and setbacks since I wasn't serious enough. Very afraid to make that commitment but I finally made the decision!!

Hello! I would like to know what people on self-actualisation journey are doing in their free times for entertainment, relaxation, letting the mind just relax and go loose (?) for a bit, when you guys are not doing self-improvement work. Or what is a better and smarter way to entertain yourself which helps develop you?

Thank you for this great reminder. I just had the thought this morning that I should give myself a little break since I did a pretty good job yesterday. It all seems pretty with unicorns and all, this Self-actualisation journey is sugar-coated on the surface level. Underneath is the inner Battling, hell, conflict, madness, hopelessness, etc. I will have to be ready for more of these. I will also need to keep my sanity. I remember Eckhart said, to Surrender to All. Be one with life. Bruce Lee: Be like water. Lao Tzu: Go with the flow. It's the paradox again. You will have to keep fighting against the old ways. But also to surrender to everything. (to have more peace of mind) To be so vulnerable and open that nothing can harm you anymore.

@Simon Zackrisson He is called Budai or the laughing buddha. He's from China, they say he brings good luck and wealth. He's not actually Buddha. Buddha's real name is Siddhārtha Gautama. http://www.google.com.mm/search?q=gautama+buddha&biw=1440&bih=740&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjI9ZeFkP_KAhWDU44KHZTeApEQ_AUIBigB I couldn't help but correct you about Buddha's true image. (I don't know if you are being sarcastic though.)

@Saitama "Saitama" From one punch man?? (anime) Sorry for being so off topic.

Heeey.... Where have you been? I don't see any updates. Have you been busy? I just want to keep you accountable to writing in your journal and staying on the path. (since we backslide easily.) Anyways, looking forward to your new entires and reading what you have to say.

Leo , what do you think about "The Present" Truth contest stuff which is always spamming the Youtube comments. Have you read it? Is it a scam? A cult? Everything looks fishy.

Today I got my exam results for the first half semester. It seems like a complete waste of time and emotional energy being worried and anxious about them. I passed all the three subjects safely. (and aced one subject!) Now I have to ace the rest of the 5 subjects... There were different kinds of emotions I experienced today and I want to make a record of them to be reminded and aware that the emotions are never constant. They will come and go. Trying to control which to take, which to get rid of doesn't really work. And not to worry too much about having short-term anxiety, depression, sadness, anger. Anxiety: there were small waves of anxiety coming up and going due to the (un-noticed) anxious thoughts about the results throughout the day. Excitement: when I listened to a mood-boosting music, an urge to start dancing came up and so I danced around in my room for a bit to de-stress. Anger: parents were telling me about how much of an unaccomplished person and a failure who doesn't meet their expectations which caused a stir of anger inside since I've been going through some stuff which they are not even aware of and wouldn't care much about it. Depression: had some depressing thoughts about what would happened if I failed the tests, my parents would be more angry with me. They may not support me anymore... Sadness: Cried a little bit. Liberation: After finding out my results I felt like a weight had be lifted off me. Felt very relief and thankful. Madness: Screamed out loud for about 4 seconds due to the pent up emotions inside. I fully let go, cried tears of relief and started laughing really loud like a villain or a mad person for 15 seconds. It was quite a ride. I still get caught up in these emotions. I would love to just fully surrender to them, not get invested, allow them to come and go without identifying with any of them. What does a surrendered living look like? Eckhart said when you completely surrender to life, you don't lose the power, in fact there is nothing that can harm you anymore since you completely allow everything to come to you. "Non resistance is the greatest power in the universe." How great would it be to be like water or better be like air! Even better! Be like Space! Be Nothing!! We are actually nothing. But how can I see that I don't exist? I am still hanging on to this body and experience. Who is it that is hanging on? How do I go deeper?

@Jesper I agree. I am not fully comfortable with expressing/exposing /letting go of everything (would love to have the stirred emotions under control) and dancing all out since I'm afraid that I will lose control and consciousness of myself. It is indeed very liberating when you dance freely. I will contemplate more on this with my experience. Next time, I will try to allow myself fully express and see what I can find inside me. @A way to Actualize Yes. I am curious about what an enlightened person would say about dancing. I am not an expert in this field but I notice that some art and music can make you feel soulful, grounded, free and spiritual.

Yes. The best recommendation is to do mindfulness meditation, self-observation. Stop and take a good look at what you are thinking and feeling every moments and you will see that the thoughts don't stay the same. One moment you will be thinking about being crazy and later in a short while, you will be thinking about feeling depressed. You will not even notice the transition of thoughts (if you are not fully aware). You may also notice that your emotions change very fast from moment to moment. (maybe not for deep depression) Watch Leo's video on mindfulness meditation, doing nothing meditation if you still haven't. Mindfulness /Self-awareness is a Must! I see that you are doing 10 minutes meditation everyday. Please keep building that habit. Don't skip a single day. And try increasing the time. Practice mindfulness throughout the day. After you reach a good level of emotional and mental stability through practicing mindfulness, you can come back and contemplate on these paradoxes. There's a better chance your mind will not go crazy.

No you are not the only one here. I've been having a lot of paradox and contradictions in myself ever since I got into spirituality and self development. Watch Leo's video on Paradox and you will see. Lol. Yeah everything's crazy and I don't know which is right anymore. For instance, there is no self, but you have to work on improving yourself!! Nothing exists yet everything exists. It will take 1000+ hours to contemplate on them. So don't worry about it much. There is no "you" to worry about anything in the first place! Just enjoy this crazy mind, crazy thoughts and ride it out till you get back to normal.

What I thought was cool in the past: Facebook - if you don't update your statuses and post stupid pictures regularly they will forget about your existence, the number of likes you get determines your social status! Being an Anime fan - I made having an obsession with anime my core identity and watched lots of anime, read tons of manga in the past (Still do but laying low) Not reading non-fiction books (boy I was dead wrong!) Being "swag" and trendy Knowing the latest, hottest music and trends Current distractions: actualised.org forum (subtituted internet browsing and youtube videos with this forum) youtube videos leo's super long videos thinking a lot about self-improvement, self-actualisation I have to work a lot on my self-discipline and study ethic. Whoops! Time to meditate!

Report: - meditation is going well, more aware of breathing and bodily sensations throughout the day, the anxiety is not overwhelming me much. - starting small with the exercise, 15 mins of walking and yoga stretches in the morning - reduced distractions, Still get caught up in them for 1-2 hours (the mind wants to feed on mindless crap for the day) - watched about 3-4 leo's videos - studying... it's not progressing much but, I did get into the flow state one time while listening to this. There was no single resistance, I was on fire! I will have to consider listening to some music to get me pumped up and start using BGM music for more enjoyment and focus, less boredom when studying. Top 2 Most Important Things I will be working on now: Work Ethic - Self-discipline, self-control, self-awareness Emotional Stability - emotional awareness, mastery, stability, pro-activeness, being more calm & relaxed

I have to be honest here. Thanks to the people who gave me "reputation" in my journal entries, I was motivated to write this today. Or else I would let myself backslide again and allow myself to go do low conscious activities. (Damn! These like buttons are still getting to me.) Report: - laying down entertainment time (Only 1-2 hours) Substituted youtube with browsing through this site's forum, stalking Leo, reading about enlightenment and productivity. Good but better spend the time reading a book instead. - less intensity/identification with anxiety attacks, thoughts it doesn't mean you mastered this. Keep practicing! - a bit more reminded to be self-aware - ran for only 5 minutes this morning. Had migraine for the day and a few body aches. ( Beginner. Unfit. Didn't have any breakfast. Too high intensity. Didn't warm up.) Lesson learned - no progression in getting herself to study (would rather sit down and question about the purpose of life and existence of everything and not come to any conclusion. ) Story time: What Do I Want?? I'm still in conflict of what I want in Life. What my main purpose should be. What I should be focusing on right now. Wavering between seeking Enlightenment and External Achievements. After realising the truth and getting a little taste of deep peace, I wanted to reach to that state where nothing can disturb me anymore, equanimity, enlightenment. The rest of the stuff seems meaningless to me. Let's cut to the chase. Thiri wants peace and enlightenment. But she has school. She needs to focus on her studies. But she couldn't fully choose one. (she could give up everything and be a nun.) So she failed her first year of college. (very disappointing) Current situation: given another chance to do the right thing. But is still not giving a damn thing about studying! Using wanting to be enlightened as an excuse to run away from studying! *face-palms* So today, I finally came across Leo's Video on what to do after knowing stuff about enlightenment. . . :\ And.. I am going to be just be fully committed and focused on Studying and getting the Degree right now. Enlightenment can wait after I have done what I want to do externally, help people, be financially stable. But of course, I won't let myself fall back asleep. I will meditate daily, exercise, practice mindfulness, watch the ego, practice to reduce the unnecessary unhappiness, live in the moment and focus on self-development work. I will be sticking around here for some time. If you see that I've been slacking off, not updating my journal please give me a "virtual slap in the face" and wake me up!