spicy_pickles

@Nahm I’m not sure. I guess there are times I think I’m in a very pathetic spot in my life, and other times I’m glad at how I’m progressing. It always seems that during the day I’m happy with the decisions I’ve made, the goals I’ve set, etc. Then, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night feeling depressed, thinking I should be doing something different, thinking I’m not moving fast enough towards my goals, lacking motivation for just about everything. I’ll fall asleep again, and wake up feeling better.

Day 1. I ask myself the question - who am I really making happy, anyways? Is it me, or the person who I followed what they wanted me to do. Is it me, or is it the person I’m giving my time to. If I say no, will that person be mad at me? Will they say bad things about me? What will happen if I choose what I want over what they want? That question has bothered me for as long as I can remember. I would do what others wanted just to make them happy and create peace. I think I really had to force myself to just say no and go through the uncomfortable feelings that brought. It’s become a hell of a lot easier now, that’s for sure. Not to mention, I feel a hell of a lot better. As I am making my way through this sometimes difficult journey, with the end goal in sight, I have to trust what is right for me, and not what others think. I’ve been given oodles of advice, some very good, other making me feel uncomfortable and stuck. My self-actualization journey is mine, and I feel as though if I work on every aspect, as opposed to ignoring some for the time being, I won’t get the full concept. For example, I am working extremely hard on financial freedom. That is something that is very important to me right now. Well, the advice of “don’t worry about that, just go ahead and do this, that and the other thing, and who cares if it sets you back a couple years financially” doesn’t exactly work for me at all. Learning how to do what feels right for me, but still taking those steps into areas of discomfort, is what I think will work in the long run.

My partner and I have very different sex drives. Part of the problem is I’ve been having issues with contraceptives, female issues, etc. I’ve been very honest to him about this. It doesn’t matter though. I was feeling rather under the weather today. As soon as he sat down beside me, I knew that meant sex. I, feeling crummy, was just happy leaning close to him. He proceeded to try and initiate sex. When I said, “not right now, I’m feeling kinda gross, can we just hang out like this” he got mad. He got up, said I never want to have sex, don’t ever need sex and that the conversation is over. He has ignored me since. This has happened before. Not the first time. So, I feel as though I need to be on the same page frequency-wise as him. Never say no to sex. Always want sex. Doesn’t matter if I’m not feeling well. The other problem, he always tries to do things I dislike. I always say, no, that hurts. No, that’s uncomfortable. He says it’s my issue because I’m not relaxed enough. I’m not holding my body a certain way. I should just try again, this time maybe laying flatter. He totally disrespects my concerns during sex anyways and just wants to do what he wants. Theres a plethora of other issues I won’t get into here. But I guess, I feel as though I don’t know what sex is like in a good, intimate relationship. He’s made me feel as though nobody says no to sex and I’m not normal.

So I’ve been continuing to work in counselling with these issues - weak boundaries, being a pushover, not being able to say NO, people pleasing, etc. Its like I am always concerned with keeping the peace, trying hard not to do something wrong, etc. Today was yet another example of how I’ve had enough with living like this. I think I fear confrontation. I have a hard time sticking up for myself and basically telling someone off if they have wronged me. I always feel like I’m a b*tch for standing up for myself, saying no, pissing someone else off, etc. I’ve made some minor progress, but it’s almost like two steps forward one step back. I fall back into my own ways of feeling like I’ve pissed someone off, them thinking I’m a terrible person, I’ve done something wrong, etc.

@aurum 1. Once a week. 2. I think I’ve tried everything, and he refuses to work with me to improve it. It’s all one sided. Everything is my fault in the relationship. I’m committed to working on getting out.

Very, very true.

Thank you for making me realize this @Leo Gura It is true and has always been true. My boundaries are weak, I have always had a problem sticking to my guns so to speak. I would avoid conflict that resulted in me being true to myself and doing what I wanted to do. This goes for relationships, friendships, etc. I guess I’m a people pleaser in a sense. Need to be included, need to have people like me. Apologize profusely if I make a mistake and try and make it better (even if it’s fine). Enough is enough. It’s time to change this dynamic. It’s time to nut up and be a more confident and stronger individual with defined boundaries. It’s time to stop worrying about what others think. It’s time to stop solving everyone else’s problems. It’s time to stop letting them guilt me.

Thanks for all your replies. Yes, it is true, I am not strong enough in enforcing boundaries. It’s funny, I haven’t been to the site in awhile (currently in counselling to work through a) leaving this toxic relationship and b) working on myself). Something made me come here tonight. I’m glad I did. I wanted to post about how I received a lot of clarity working through my issues and recognizing why I do things. I always feel I’m in the wrong, always feel like I’ve made a mistake. I’m the cause of a problem. I did something wrong. I misunderstood someone today and gave a very casual response to a much more serious issue. I couldn’t apologize enough afterwards, even though that person totally recognized they were unclear as well. On one hand I’m glad I recognized this, and on the other hand, I can see how I’ve been treated the way I have been because of this. Time to invest even more time in myself to work on these things.

First off, I'm learning how to improve myself so that I can more effectively deal with this. My partner, from what I've seen, has some unresolved issues. That's not my concern, but how they affect him directly affects me. Meaning, he takes out his frustrations and anger on me by raising his voice, being downright mean and/or childish, spewing nasty comments, etc. I never defended myself in the past because for starters, I do not like conflict. But, this is getting out of hand. As I mentioned in a previous post, he found out early on that I was easy to walk all over and he made me his doormat. Instead of feeling hurt and sad, I'm furious at the way I'm being treated. Of course, if I bring this up, I get the same old line - he is just under so much stress and unhappiness that it's affecting him, and I'm not helping the situation. I am angry, and nobody has the right to treat me like that. Advice appreciated.

@Mad Max yes - spot on. My dad abused my mother. Why I went down the same path, being with a man who is angry all the time like my father was - I have no idea. He has ruined my confidence and ability to speak up.

@Leo Gura more specifically my partner. I am 36 years old. I grew up being a people pleaser and needing approval from my peers. I'd go out of my way to seek their approval. Clearly this has resonated into my personal life and relationship. Recognizing this, when I've tried to do what I want to do and what I feel like doing, I got a massive guilt trip and silent treatment from my partner. I'm angry now, and done with it all, and ready to make that change and put my needs first.

Just wanted to know if this is focusing too much on ego or if there's anything negative associated with it. I'm quite frankly rather tired of letting certain people in my life walk all over me, dictate the rules, guilt me into doing things they'd prefer I do as opposed to what I want to do, etc. Thanks.

@Mad Max thanks for giving me the jolt I needed to put myself first. Started back at the gym again tonight. Asserted myself. Didn't put up with crap. Its a step in the right direction I suppose. Have to work on the people pleasing mentality and possible confidence issues (needing others approval).

@Serotoninluv thank you, I'm getting better at telling people no. I still have a lot of work to do though.

Thank you for that reply. I mean it. That resonated with me massively. Yes, when I tried in the past I got some extreme push back. Certainly clarified what my role was to these people. I couldn't even go out and enjoy being alone for an hour or two. My role was to simply be present as they needed me. I didn't have to say anything, they could spew all they wanted to vent their frustrations, but I just had to be in the room beside them. No thanks.

Hello. I've been doing contemplation recently which is helping me recognize areas I need improvement and probably where I've always needed improvement. I am learning how to detach from a plethora of things in my life. Since I was young, I felt that I was responsible for other people's happiness. I also felt I always needed to be a problem solver. This has come to a major boiling point in my life now, especially in my relationship. I won't go into details here, but I am trying to learn how to detach from what this relationship is doing to me. My partner tells me all his problems and has since the early days. Me, being a "fixer", would get way too emotionally involved, get myself worked up, and become angry as well. I honestly cannot tell what he expects from me. My goal is to release emotional feelings and no longer be enmeshed in his problems. I always get that pinch of emotion every time he brings something up, just because it's been my life for the last 8 years of this marriage. Now, I'm seeing things for what they are. How can I continue to successfully work on this detachment? edited to add - I've noticed that no matter how I react, my partner gets mad. If I say nothing, he questions why I have no opinion on the matter. If I offer suggestions, he makes excuses and gets frustrated. If I say I don't want to hear it, well, he gets even more angry.

I'm using this as an opportunity to better myself, but really not sure if that's the correct way to look at it. From the things I've read, I'm guessing there is no such thing as a good or bad circumstance, as it is all perception-based. I suppose if I were to look at the situation I'm in from one point of view, I could say that I am not happy, it's temporary, and I need to do what I can in the time being. The other side of the coin is that there isn't a good or bad, my situation is what it is, and I have to deal with it. How does one do that when you are just programmed to not like where you are? I'm making positive strides to change it, and I know it won't happen overnight. For example, say a person is in a tight financial situation but sees the light at the end of the tunnel because they are doing everything they can to save and spend wisely. How do they deal with being unhappy about the current situation? What if a person is in a temporary job situation where they had to relocate and aren't pleased about it, how do they cope in the meantime? When the "negative" aspect is there reminding you every day, how do you push it aside?

Ugh I try and sit upright, get comfortable, and begin focusing on my breath. Everything feels tight, uncomfortable, painful. Like something is resisting me to meditate. I get sore, my mind wanders and all I can feel is the tightness and uncomfortableness in my body. I've tried silent meditation. Difficult when you aren't the only one in a tiny space. I've tried music but I don't know if that's the "correct way". The most I've ever got was 2 minutes, and that was fighting through the uncomfortableness of it all

Thank you so much @Leo Gura. I tried again today, and it was a bit easier to maintain the meditation. Granted I could only go for about 2 minutes, I felt more comfortable today than I did yesterday. The media addictions is something I need to work on for sure.

My new job requires me to work with the public on a regular basis. In my previous job, I worked with peers and like-minded colleagues and team members. Now, I'm out there with the general public, something I never thought I would be doing after my years of education and work. I feel more compassion towards people. Don't get me wrong, I'm more likely to want to be alone than with a group. But I just have this desire to help people. This evening, I saw a side of me I never thought I was capable of. I did not hesitate to offer assistance to someone in need. I just felt compelled to do this for them, whether they appreciate it or not. It's strange though, with certain people I've given up on the caring and compassion, offering support and caring. Maybe because I feel like they just don't care. I don't know. It's an interesting feeling.

I have been feeling very down and out for awhile. But, at the same time, I feel as though I'm "growing" (if that makes any sense at all). Like I've said in previous posts, I'm noticing more confidence in myself, an urge to improve myself through fitness, a desire to try new things, a need to put my happiness first. But, I feel depressed. This may have to do with the fact I can feel that the last six years of my life and that stage I was in is coming to an end. It is doing that because I'm growing. I'm not accepting anything less than what I deserve. I'm striving for the best. I'm speaking up. It still hurts. Is this a normal process?

This is new territory for me. Long story short - relationship problems. I was able to stand up for myself, speak my mind, say exactly what I want and expect, recognize my faults along the way, and commit to putting my happiness first. I feel many different things. For starters, I feel more confident that I was able to speak my mind. I feel like I am putting my happiness first and will accept nothing less. I am encouraged and committed to work on myself more, taking care of myself more. Don't like it? Not my problem. I've also realized who I feel is valuable enough to keep in my life, and who is not. This was a big thing for me. I've started the process of focusing on those people who keep me happy and those who don't contribute at all I guess it's a weird feeling because I'm not used to standing up for my happiness.

Well, it is taking going through what I am going through to realize how this is MY problem to address. I lack courage and self esteem to make myself happy. Before I looked at my scenario from a different perspective. I was told for many many years, that someone else's happiness and well being is my responsibility. This has been etched into my core. This is the very first time it has specifially happened, but I always remember being a people pleaser and putting everyone else's needs before my own. I am in a situation where I am unhappy, and my unhappiness doesn't matter. I've already been told I can't make this other person happy. Do I have the courage to demand better? Not yet.

Oddly enough, he has changed his approach. Now he's being downright mean. Same with the tone of his voice. He's just simply not nice. Its almost like he's trying to get me to say - I have had enough with this, I'm done. Then he can get the ultimate prize which is turning the tables back on me and saying - see, I told you that you were going to leave. Instead of changing his behaviour, he would rather blame everyone else for NOT accepting it so he can be the victim. Problem is, I have a feeling this behaviour has been acceptable his whole life.

I gave my two cents about something my partner of 6 years brought up. I stood my ground. I am getting the silent treatment. He refuses to speak to me. Hes used to me just giving in and accepting everything he says. I didn't do it this time. Now, he's mad as shit. Part of me wants to give in and apologize and take the scolding. But part of me is sick of being treated like a misbehaved child.