spicy_pickles

I was able to clearly state my expectations going forward in my relationship of nearly 6 years with my partner. I have a feeling these words fell on deaf ears and it is a battle between us now. I have put my own happiness, wants and needs aside to be a strong supportive partner for all these years. I listened to his frustrations. I offered advice. I did everything I could to help. What did I get in return? More of the same. When I brought this up, he almost pushed it back on me. "Well YOU do this, and when YOU did that, YOU upset me". Or I never did this or that or the other thing. So, I gave this one more chance. I believe I'm being tested now. Has he stepped up to try and make things better after I told him I was sick of the way things were for the last while? Nope. Did he hear me and truly listen to my concerns about him holding onto the past and harboring resentment towards people? No. Has anything changed? No. But he will be the first person to blame me for not doing this, that or the other thing. This just proves to me how unimportant I am in his life as a partner. I was more of a tool for his use, whenever the need arose. At least I know now.

I could be confident, have high self-esteem, not let things bother me, worry more about myself and let things I can’t control go...stop trying to make others happy. Not worry about making someone else angry. I am luckily surrounded by extremely confident females where I work. They don’t care what anyone thinks of them. They are strong but friendly. They don’t take any shit from anyone. When I mentioned to them some of the things that happened in my life or how others treated me, they had similar situations where they simply brushed it off. They won’t put up with someone disrespecting them. They won’t put up with poor behaviour. They don’t need the approval of ANYBODY to feel good. They don’t need to put on a show or go out of their way to make someone happy. I’m struggling so hard with these things! I do enjoy helping and being there for people, but I reach a limit and need to just do things for myself. I value the opinions of others far too much. My happiness is dependent on their happiness, whether or not they choose me, etc. It has to stop.

Whereas I feel other areas in my life need a massive overhaul, I’ve always been one to chase my dreams and desires career and education-wise. Did some fail miserably? Sure. Was I massively successful in others? Absolutely. I violently opposed anyone who reminded me that because I chose to spend a massive amount of money and time on a specific education, I would be required to choose a specific career path. Bullshit. I remember vividly one night thinking to myself - “wouldn’t it be cool if I could be this type of professional, but do this type of work and be involved with this type of organization?” At the time, it was unheard of. Well, I’m doing EXACTLY that right now, because I basically told anyone who got in my way to F off. I wasn’t about to be stuck doing what a bunch of people imagined I should be doing. For the record, I actually was employed in the path that was the “best fit” for my education and background. I was fired from that job which lead me to my current career, which I love. Oddly enough, this career I’m currently in forced me to live off a salary that was substantially less than what I’d be making doing what the world tells me I’m supposed to do. Can I afford that house everyone else my age with my education can afford? No. Can I take the same vacations as them? No. Can I spend money on restaurants and clothes and fancy things? No. But at the end of the day, I’ll give up that extra $50,000 a year to be insanely happy with what I’m doing know, knowing I refused to let anyone tell me I couldn’t do exactly what I wanted to do with my life career-wise.

This should be interesting. Not gonna take this bs. Putting my foot down. This is going to sound really lame, but it’s a HUGE step for me. In the past, my partner (who relies on drugs to get rid of stress, blames everyone for his problems, etc) would forget to do certain things. But, I’d always be there to help out, sweep up the mess, etc. Well, this time, he has forgotten to give me money to pick up something for a family member. Yes, in the past, I’d do it (to avoid conflict) and he would pay me back eventually. Guess what’s happening today? I’m not picking it up. I know I know, this is lame and any normal person would have ended this behaviour a long time ago. But, today I’m fed up. I’m sick of being a doormat. So guess what, he can be responsible for his own pitfalls from now on. I’m not supporting this shit behaviour.

Made a good, but difficult decision today. Keeping with the plan of getting my finances in order, I started cutting unnecessary spending today. I had to give up a monthly subscription that I really enjoy, but it’s going to save me $40 a month Its not much, but it’s a start. And it was difficult to give up too

I’m a little confused and have heard different opinions on being mindful about the present and living in the present as opposed to working towards a future goal or goals. For example, as I’m working on myself (say, exercising consistently), I’m envisioning a healthier version of myself in six months, a year, etc. I’m also working on myself mentally and emotionally, so that I can achieve better relationships. So, while I’m not in my ideal situation right now, I’m working towards a better future that I can envision. Is there anything wrong with this approach?

Further to my post early this morning, I’m finding that today is a massive struggle and I’m allowing things to pester me that shouldn’t. My life for the past 7 years of this relationship have been a constant attempt to please and go out of my way. Up until recently I said to myself - “No. I will not devote every waking hour to entertaining his family and children when they are at our home every other weekend. I will do whatever I please, without having to worry about the repercussions of them being angry at me or discarding me in favour of someone who will give them attention.” Or - “If the kids don’t want to have anything to do with me, oh well. They are kids and their minds change all the time. It will give me more time to do what I feel like doing”. Now I’m stuck in the rut, the weened visit is approaching, and my anxiety grows. What if I’m discarded. What if I did really disappoint them when I decided to go and do something I wanted to do as opposed to hang around and cater to all of them. I shouldn’t care. In a normal relationship, I wouldn’t have even been put in this situation where I was expected to devote all my time and energy to everyone else but myself. But, here I am, working on fixing it (leaving); but still stuck for the time being. I should just say - “F it all. Let the kids be rude and take advantage of making a mess in my home. Let his relatives come and eat all our food and use our space. Let them ignore me and toss me aside. Who cares.” I think the problem is I dislike my space being disrespected and I dislike being disrespected. I feel useless and worthless and taken advantage of. Leaving for the short time has been an option, but I have to come back home sooner or later. Furthermore, if I make a habit out of it, I get criticized by my partner for not loving his family enough to donate my free time to them. Not to mention the fact I’ll feel like a bad person for doing what I feel like doing, even though his family members enjoy spending time with me. For the past 7 years, I’ve honestly sucked it up just for the sake of meeting someone else’s needs and making someone else happy.

Yesterday - 100% dry. No booze. Self development podcasts and videos. Heard a really interesting way of approaching things. Instead of becoming anxious or worried, I thought - “bring it the f*uck on. Let’s see what you got.

No booze today. Even though I’d usually reach for some drinks to get rid of these feelings, I’m not going to drink. Nope. Not going to. Instead, I will take the time tonight to feel these emotions, recognize them, accept them, and move on.

That’s the thing. I don’t know how to face a situation like this. In the past I got anxious, upset, furious, etc. I’m stuck here for awhile while I make my way out. I’m going to be faced with these things. I don’t want them to affect me, but I let them. And I can’t stop it. I wish I could flick a switch that just turns off my “give a fuck” button. Because I know this isn’t my future, it’s just temporary. But it still sucks being stuck in it.

I’ve been trying really hard to focus on ME and self improvement while I get shit lined up in my own life. I’m in a relationship that is unfulfilling and stagnant where I’m not at all appreciated for who I am, but instead, how I can contribute to my partner’s world (which I have realized over the past few years is completely insane). This is not a relationship for me, and is not how I’m willing to spend the rest of my life. i do feel like a failure for not up and leaving instantly, but I need to work on my self esteem, my financial independence, etc. I can say I’ve had success, just focusing on me and kind of “blocking” out everything else. The more I practice this, the more I see how incredibly insane the whole situation is. The problem sometimes is being present while everything around me is making me want to scream. It’s like I’m stuck. I am working towards an end result (personal development and whatnot) but still feel so stuck. Packing up and leaving tomorrow is not an option at all. I’ve determined that. Packing up and leaving in 3 - 6 months certainly is. Making that life change is inevitable, scary yet exciting. Leaving the mess behind just gives me such a revitalized feeling. I’m even able to let go of guilty feelings and “what if’s” that previously consumed my life when I mentally made this decision to eventually move on. I just don’t know if there’s anything I can do now. I feel like I am getting better, but then have a setback (thinking I’m not doing enough) and letting old emotions creep back in. For example, why do I still care so much to impress my partners children and family? I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t at all. I should be using that energy to focus on impressing myself.

Realized this was posted in the wrong spot. Sorry!

I have talked to him for the past 8 years. There is no change, just regression. I have given up and do not want that life anymore. I could go into more detail, but ill just leave it at - I do not want this in the future. What happens though when you are faced with people who treat you not so nicely? Gang up on you? For example, when his family gathers and pushes me away? After all I’ve done for all of them...and I get that treatment. It is what it is. How do I use this process to get through it?

Thanks, I’m rather interested in that concept after briefly researching it. I guess it makes sense. I used external influence to push me. I considered myself wrong because individuals told me I need to implement my plan immediately. That went against what I felt was right and did not have what I needed in place to do that. It was action action action. Even recently I found myself upset because I don’t have enough money saved to implement this transition. I guess there are still things I feel as though I need to do. I need to work on my health (exercise, proper eating). I need to stop using booze as a crutch. I need to stop worrying so much about making my partners family happy (why that still matters to me I have no idea). I need to work on self esteem and self love. I feel like I need to do something in order for all these to happen. As far as the relationship goes, I won’t get into details here, but for the most part, there’s potentially a personality disorder on his end, his inability to move on from the past as well as lack of contribution to making this relationship work. So, I’m expected to always be there to meet his needs and wants, yet he refuses to do his part saying I do not come first in his life, he’s had such a terrible past, etc.

Yikes. Haven’t updated this in awhile. I have decided that I am going to severely cut back on alcohol consumption. I like a nice cold beer, I love a glass of wine with dinner. I had two beers today and feel absolutely disgusting. I’m going to set some goals, small steps, to achieve this goal. No alcohol tomorrow. Not even a dinner time glass of wine. Nothing. One day at a time.

This is a massive stumbling block in my life right now, and affecting my ability to move forward. First of all, I know my relationship has an expiry date. This is something I’m working towards. Building confidence, being financially independent, etc. Why do I still care so much what his family thinks of me? Why do I still care if his kids choose to completely ignore me? i can’t get past this

Day 5 I don’t feel like doing something and that’s ok I don’t want to hang out with you and that’s ok I wasn’t put on this earth to please you, so deal with it. Pretty strong words for a people pleaser. I have always thought if I don’t do something, I will disappoint someone I will upset them. They will hate me. If I say no to this time they invite me out, they will never invite me out again. I had better please them or else I’ve made enemies. I’m fed up with people pleasing. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I can make decisions for myself and don’t need someone pushing me to do something they feel is right/wrong. If someone discards me, oh well. I can’t be bothered anymore. I can’t go back to those days of grade school when I tried to make them like me again. I have to focus on me and solely on me for a very long time now, because I’ve always been focused on everyone else’s needs

That’s just it. I can sit and daydream and visualize all day long, but that will never bring me closer to any of my goals if I’m not doing something to achieve those goals.

Thanks @LaucherJunge i think I realized that last night at the gym when I couldn’t do a particular exercise worth a crap. So, a small goal would be to achieve 10 reps of that particular exercise. Even with personal development, I was able to recognize recently that there are some toxic relationships that just aren’t working for me. Some are easier to let go of, others require me to do some more work to figure out exactly why I got into these in the first place, and developing confidence to set boundaries But, in the meantime, I know I’m working towards bettering myself. It’s not an overnight process, that’s for sure. Just wanted to add that I’ve also surrounded myself with people who are great role models and who I can learn a lot from in all aspects of my life.

Day 4 I feel great this morning. Had a good workout last night, said no to booze. Loaded up on water and tea. Ate healthy. More importantly, I’m working on self-actualization, enlightenment; mindfulness etc. Acknowledging how I feel. Not pushing it away. Small victories.

This is one area I want to drastically improve. I am disciplining myself to go to the gym even when I don’t want to. I am resisting foods that are empty calories. I am moderating or cutting back on a lot of things (I’ll admit, I simply cannot give up a nice cold beer once in awhile). It’s difficult, not going to lie. But, I’m going to push through it. I have to.

Day 2 and 3. There are things in my life that serve me no valid purpose any longer, and when I look back, I realize that they never really did address anything significant. They were not helping me improve. If anything, they were holding me back or attempting to turn me into something I was not. I realize I used these things as crutches, stumbling through life, looking for some kind of support. But it was a hamster wheel. I wasn’t addressing self improvement, I was looking for an outlet to blame all my problems on. In the past three days, I’ve made exercise important to me. I’ve chosen healthier foods. I’ve decided who to keep in my social circle and who to let go. I’ve stopped wasting my time on things that serve me no purpose. I’ve chosen books to read that will eventually help me improve. Slowly, but surely.

@Nahm - thank you! Perfectly understood this time.

I’ve come to the realization that I lack self confidence and don’t really truly love myself. For now, working with my therapist has hit somewhat of a dead-end, because I initially went to her to discuss my relationship issues. Well, I know exactly what’s going on there now. I also found support on another forum regarding the issues with my relationship and my partner. Again, there’s absolutely no sense in beating a dead horse. I know what’s going on. I’ve confined in friends, however I feel as though they were giving me advice (albeit probably with good intentions) that just wasn’t fitting with where I was mentally and emotionally. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to focus solely on myself - self confidence, self love, etc. There is absolutely no way I will be successful if I don’t get right to the source of all of this first, and begin work there. I’ve realized that I’ve always had issues in this category, which explains a lot. I’m fully to blame, and I’m ready to make the changes. If anyone has advice, maybe some of Leo’s videos I can start with, some books, activities I can do, etc., I’d appreciate it. Thanks

@Nahm so in other words, focus on what I am doing as opposed to the lack of things I’m not doing? The things I’m not doing are going to happen eventually, it’s just that certain things need to be on place first. So, focus on the fact I’m working and taking action.