spicy_pickles

Welcome to my fucking incredible life journal. I decided to start a new one after watching Leo’s video on how to stop being a people pleaser. Combined with working with a therapist, this site is going to provide me with the tools I need to have a fucking incredible life. Yesterday I was a bit of a bitch. It felt great. I had enough with pussyfooting around and giving people the benefit of the doubt. This happened at work actually. You know what happened? I got what I wanted. I also reclaimed my fucking power and self esteem last night when I flat out said NO to an absolutely absurd request by my partner (soon to be ex partner). I thought to myself - how fucking dare you think I will agree to do this. Are you insane? Maybe the old me would have done it, but the new me will NOT sacrifice my time, my money, my confidence, my sense of self just to put on a show for YOU, because you are too much of a wimp to stand up. Sorry. Can’t help you. I’ve been able to decipher between people who genuinely need my empathy and those that are just emotional sinkholes. I’m willing to help those who want to help themselves. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care. My time is far too precious to worry about a person who doesn’t want to do the hard and painful work of looking at themselves and recognizing faults. In all seriousness, I’m working through my faults and the things that are keeping me stuck. Some are easier than others. Some will take more time than others. But, I’m working on them. Self improvement. Let’s live an incredible life.

It’s funny, I just watched Leo’s video on how to stop being a people pleaser. Something that really hit home was the feeling I get when I express my authentic self. When I speak up. When I choose to do something for me as opposed to do something for someone else. It does NOT bring me greater peace or happiness to agree to do something someone else wants me to do. In fact, it makes me resentful and angry. However, choosing to do what I feel like doing makes me feel calm. It makes me feel relaxed and whole. It makes me feel like I’m being me.

Thank you all! One of the most profound things I think I’ve realized is the comment I made about taking ownership for not pleasing someone else. Yeah, that’s right. I put my needs first. I own that. That was a very powerful realization.

I’ve learned a lot about myself through counselling and self-realization. I am a people pleaser. I try and diffuse negative situations. I don’t like people becoming angry at me nor do I like conflict. I fear doing the wrong thing and feel as though I must always do the right thing. Everyone must like me, can never have any negative feedback. Bend over backwards to make everything right so you don’t get blamed for bad things happening. Well, I learned a few things. First of all, I have to make myself happy. If that makes someone else mad, well, I take ownership for that. Big deal. I was taught from an early age to avoid conflict and arguments. Now I can learn the tools to effectively calm the anxiety I get when I feel someone is becoming angry with me. I can’t control what people do, but I can control how I process the outcome. Its a difficult journey but it will serve me well. I need the confidence and drive to achieve an amazing life.

@Maya_0 - I live in the GTA Ive been searching some places that offer classes, yoga, etc. But, for certain, I’d love to find more people who share the same interests!

I am not even sure this post is applicable here or not. I feel as though I’m going through an awakening of sorts, but I need a little more help with it. A lot of old thought patterns and demons are coming to the surface and releasing. How can one use spirituality in combination with other techniques (such as meditation) to have a full awakening and conquer things that are currently holding them back? I am by nature an over thinker, and I always play out all these possible results. I think that holds be back in a lot of areas and prevents me from being happy. I had an incident yesterday where I actually spoke my mind, wasn’t afraid of consequences, and felt incredible after doing so. Didn’t care about my overthinking telling me - oh that person might get mad. Oh that person might think negatively. Oh that person might tell stories about it to everyone else.

Pinpointing to when the balance shifted. I was trying to figure this out just now. When did the scales shift? When did the balance shift? What caused me to go this path? I now know. I was feeling like I was spinning my wheels. My last therapy session was a bust, or so I felt. I was so depressed after it. It felt like I couldn’t even talk to my therapist. She didn’t understand. Friends were telling me to do things I wasn’t comfortable doing. I was paralyzed with anxiety, fear, shame, etc. So, I let go. I just let go. Something amazing happened to me on the night of December 15th. Out of nowhere, I had this vision come to me and my body had this small blast of excitement. I don’t know where it came from. Then, the vision of my ideal life came. So, I went with it. This is where I’ve been vibrating since that day. Having this visualization has made me “pretend” I’m already there. That means I’m taking care of myself, because that’s what I do. I’m exercising because that’s what I do. I’m not taking shit from people because that’s what I do. I am amazed at how much I’ve been able to let go just by having this happen. Things that would cause me great anxiety, I’d do. People’s actions and opinions don’t matter as much anymore. It’s still a work in progress, but I’m happy to figure out how this all started.

I have spent the last six years meeting someone else’s needs. Making them happy. Solving their problems. I’ve neglected myself physically and mentally. Here I sit, a good 20 lb overweight. Neglected my health, haven’t taken care of myself at all. Made sure I spread myself thin to make others happy. This comes to an end today. As some of you probably read, I’m in an unhappy relationship. I know what needs to be done. I know what I have to do. Perhaps I’m moving more slowly than others would like. I have a friend who wants me to leave right this minute without being financially independent, or mentally prepared, for that matter. I know what needs to be done, and I’m working on it. It kind of makes me realize that this is exactly what I’ve been doing through all this - doing what everyone else wants me to, as opposed to doing what’s right for me. So, I will take care of myself. Exercise and eat better. Thats step number one. I will stop trying to please others. I will look out for myself first. I will not feel bad about this, because I am worth it. I will not be there just to meet the needs and wants of others. They can figure that out themselves. I will say NO more often, but say YES to myself.

Thank you. After I thought about it, I am focusing my attention on the progress I made. I think the biggest accomplishment out of all this is being able to be mindful, be aware and recognize. After that small stumble, I’m back to visualizing and living my ideal life right now

I was able to set some boundaries and express myself to my partner the other night. I was able to speak with confidence. I was able to set ultimatums. I have NEVER been able to do this before. However, I feel like it’s a huge step backwards, because it’s almost too little too late. The damage has been done. I’ve checked out. My therapist said, sometimes you need to practice certain things when you are in a situation that isn’t ideal. I feel as though I’m being a dishonest fool, but on the other hand, I can say that I’ve exhausted every chance to make this relationship work. The other night was my last effort. Deep down, I know this is the best path for me, because I’m not only working on self-improvement, but I’m learning how I should be reacting to things in relationships. I should have the confidence and courage to expect more out of a partner.

@SOUL thank you for this post. I feel as though this has been my state as of late - peace. I know for a fact that my peace cannot help the person I’m with. I’ve tried, and it got me frustrated when I failed. I then realized the only person I can focus on is myself. Therefore, I am focusing on MY inner peace and MY development in spite of everything around me.

I’ll say it - I don’t have the confidence and/or balls to up and leave my current relationship even though I’m unhappy, and know there’s a better life out there for me. But, when I decided that I was done with it (several months ago), it initiated some change inside of me. I found myself able to set boundaries. I found myself taking better care of myself. I found myself acting and feeling like I was already in that incredible life, and my partner was simply another person (not a romantic partner). The other thing I implemented for the first time in my life was smart money management. This is because I need to save up for a place of my own. I’m about 60% there and I just started about two months ago. Massive saving program. My question is, is it still possible to be in this relationship for the time being and work on growth and work on improving myself? I feel as though the only way is to flat up and leave, even if I’m broke, even if I have no game plan, and then worry about “fixing” myself later.

Big. Massive. Progress. I had a major breakthrough tonight. I was aware and conscious. I didn’t let emotion take over. And that alone gave me more clarity than I’ve ever had in my life. I am doing this. I didn’t let them get me down. I didn’t let them trap me. I stood my ground. I didn’t let emotion take over. I did it. Major step for me.

@Shiva I did what felt right. I did just that. Maybe if you lined up 10 people, 9 of them would say I did the wrong thing or didn’t say the right thing. Maybe I should have done this or that. Who knows. At the end of the day, I did what felt right at this point in time. Not what’s right tomorrow. Not what’s right three years from now. I did what I felt was right at this moment. I learned from it. As my therapist said, sometimes, when we are working on ourselves and exposing our weaknesses, we need practice. Think of what you are doing as practice. It might not be ideal, but it’s practice. So true.

@Joseph Maynor thank you. I’ve heard so many different opinions as to what I should do, why I shouldn’t do things, etc. Through my very own personal development work, I feel as though I am learning how to be aware and how to face my emotions. I’m learning how to do the shadow work. I’m learning how to set boundaries. I’m actively doing the work. I truly feel I will make the right decision at the right time.

So, this started happening a few weeks ago. I lost my shit on someone that had been pissing me off for years, and I always held it in for fear of rocking the boat. Anyways, I stood up for myself which felt damn good. So I started visualizing an ideal life. In the past I could only hold on to this for a day. It’s still going strong nearly two weeks later. Habits started changing as well, I didn’t need to drink to face unpleasant emotions. I became so much more aware. But, I still felt like I was living my ideal life right now. Here is what I’ve noticed happening: - I became extremely emotional over something that’s always bothered me, or that I feared, but faced it and was able to work through it. - I feel as though I am living my dream life right now regardless of the circumstances. I’m motivated to look better, speak better, exercise more, eat better and work on myself. - I suddenly woke up one day and had a thought about something specific. I found out today that something came from that thought and transpired in real time a few days ago (extremely interesting). - Comments have been made to me by others regarding my visualizations and aspirations for my ideal life. It’s like they know exactly what’s going on in my head. How would they know what I’m visualizing? Those are just a few. I’m sure more will come of this!

Hey man, great post. I too am a huge pushover. I don’t stand up for myself and let people walk all over me. I’m in a relationship now with a man that is just a neurotic mess and doesn’t give a shit about me, but I’ve never had the balls to leave a relationship. And, I look for approval and validation from others (his kids) to make me feel worthwhile. Excited to hear about your journey. I too am looking to grow a set so to speak in the next few months of some hard personal work.

I’ve dabbled in some LOA stuff. Enough to know some basics. It seems everyone visualizes being a millionaire, having an amazing partner, etc etc. But, don’t you actually have to do something in order for those things to happen? I want an amazing partner too. But, I need to work on myself. Do I visualize having an ideal mate? Sure. Do I visualize myself being a confident, fit person that has come leaps and bounds in self-improvement? Damn right. But, I make sure I’m doing things every day to become that person that attracts that ideal relationship, by recognizing the mistakes I’ve made and the work I need to do to get there. Maybe I just don’t understand, and sometimes, I can’t get a straight answer on these principles. Seems as though these LOA teachers go around in circles and stress that you are focusing on the lack of a million dollars. To me, you have to be aware of the lack of something in your life in order to work on achieving it. If I want a million dollars and I blow every paycheck I have on useless items, or I refuse to better myself to get a better, high paying career, what’s the point? I’m not going to ever see a million dollars (and relying on lotto tickets is not the answer). I have always been a dreamer, but if I set my mind to something, I damn well got it done one way or the other. Looking for insights.

Even more with this: - I would get mad when people wanted something from me right away. - I may have not been nurtured enough as a child and therefore feel like I need to people please or have others appreciate me. - when I’m not included, I feel rejected and left out. It’s something against me.

Thank you - for opening my eyes to shadow work. I fear rejection. I fear loved ones being taken from me. I always chose men who were below my standard because they came across as nice and took care of me (blah blah blah). Then, I never had the confidence (and still don’t) to leave a really bad and disrespectful man, knowing fucking well I can do so, SO much better. I just want to be this shining star that everyone adores, so yeah, I rejected MYSELF in order to make others happy. I REJECTED MYSELF. This is why I fear rejection and get anxious I’m going to be rejected because I reject myself. If I didn’t reject myself, I wouldn’t feel so strongly about this. It wouldn’t bother me so much. But, I don’t take care of myself. I expect everyone else to look at me like I’m some sort of superstar. I’m this insanely amazing person who everyone adores. I have no clue why I still imagine myself like this because when I’m being some insanely amazing superstar to everyone, I am fucking exhausted.

I briefly read about this (thanks to all who suggested I do this in my other posts). I think this is something I need to explore. My current relationship is not working and is not sustainable. This I know. I am working on getting the confidence and courage to leave this behind. Secondly, the one thing that brings me extreme anxiety and discomfort is the thought of my partner’s children rejecting me. This should be a no-brainer for many reasons. First of all, I’m not in this relationship for the long haul. Secondly, they are HIS kids, not mine. However, each and every time they would come to our house, I would become extremely anxious - will they hate me? Is this the week they reject me? Is this the week they choose their father over me? I have figured out that I have a shadow deep inside of me that fears rejection. I always had to have peers and teachers like me. I have always visualized myself as this grand person who has a knockout body, makes tons of cash, has it all, has people falling all over me, etc. In those mind movies, I have the haters, but I put them in their place. I always went out of my way to have friends like me. Always. So, I never did anything I wanted to do, instead I stuck around his kids so they could choose me. That was, until recently. I did want I wanted to do. That means I’m not there for them the past few days. That means I’m super anxious in thinking I will come back to them deciding I’m worthless and they will not want a thing to do with me. They will say bad things about me. They will hate me. I think it was a big step for me, but I have a feeling the shadow work will further help me not only with this, but other development.

What I don’t understand is when someone says - you have to be fully happy of where you are now and not need things to change in order to manifest desires. For example, let’s say I’m envisioning a partner that wants to travel the world with me and enjoys running. Let’s say I want to better myself and know how to do so in order to gain confidence and lose bad habits. Say I’m a raging alcoholic and have made the decision to get help. I was told (and I paraphrase) that this won’t work because all these things you visualize are contradicting. Saying you want a partner that shares similar interests means you need a person to keep you occupied. Working on bettering yourself and self-actualization means you are recognizing and telling the universe you are a weak person. Same with choosing to give up the booze. You are focusing on the negative and not being happy with the now. I found some of these responses to be twisted and strange. To me, there’s nothing wrong with saying to yourself - I’m fucking done being someone’s doormat, and my next relationship I’ll be with a person who respects me. I’m fucking sick of waking up with a hangover every day, and no, I’m not happy with the now, so I’m going to change so I am. I really want to take my career to the next level, so I’m going to work on my marketing skills so it happens. My question is, why is it so wrong to look at a current situation and say - this isn’t working for me, I realize that now. The only way I can change this is if I make the first step and do something about it. Apparently that’s wrong because you are telling the universe you are unhappy.

Sometimes, the role of someone with a PhD is simply to find something to discourage/disagree with/prove wrong/etc.

This. My visualizations include the me that I’m working on achieving. The me that doesn’t need a partner to make their lives complete, but that wants one to complement their life. I achieve every fucking goal I have set for myself in these visualizations. Ones I’ve done in the past have included everything I currently have now. I just reach higher. I totally know how I visualized and manifested some of the shit I see myself surrounded by now. Now, it’s time to see how I can improve. I think that in itself can be an ideal life, because you constantly reach for that improvement. That’s what I’ve realized. I’ve got these visualizations, but none of it will happen if I don’t act on it. Even the smallest of details. I have to do it NOW. Not later. I don’t question why I don’t have it, I know why I dont. But, each day I improve and become closer to that person in my visualization.

Recently, I just stopped giving a shit about things that I gave way too much energy and time to over the years that WERE NOT serving me at all. For example, not my problem if you hate your job/life/situation. Not going to feel sorry for you. Don’t rely on me to be that person to listen to you complain, while you are that person that does nothing to make your situation better. I used to make myself blue in the face trying to help them, trying to soothe them. Giving them options. Doing the heavy lifting. It took me a long time to empty that habit, but it’s one I recently dumped. At first it was hard, and I did revert back a few times, but it was literally last week I dumped it for good. I’ve had many opportunities to go back to being the fixer, and I refused all of them.