spicy_pickles

I thought - why not. The one I believe is the most powerful for me is the black tourmaline pendant. It's a rough cut, but it makes me feel secure when I'm wearing it. I have random ones in a pouch I have near my bed, plus some bracelets. I don't know if it's just placebo, but if it works, I'm sticking with it

Single life has been going alright for me, but I feel like I hit a wall I really want to be alone all the time now. I don’t want to date yet, but I visualize this amazing relationship I will hope to have someday. I don’t want to go out and meet people either. I had a few old friends that I just don’t want to associate with anymore. They don’t really jive with me for whatever reason. Last night I went to a party and I did have fun, but ended up getting way too drunk for my own good, losing money out of my pocket and quite literally looked like a fool. Now I want to retreat from the world even more. I dont know how to explain it, but I just feel so lost, so empty, so anti social and so angry these days.

I’ve got to make some big changes. On a regular basis I just waste time. I am angry and upset at things. I have trouble focusing. Im worried about what everyone else thinks of me. Today i will go to the library and pick up some good books to help me. I’ll also start meditating today as well. I’ll stop living in this fantasy world in my head and focus on being present and mindful. I’ll start working out regularly and maybe even throw in some at home yoga to help. I will reduce my social media usage and just use my phone for things that will help me (this site, self development, music, etc).

I’ve absolutely f’n had it with many aspects of my life. Firstly, goodbye to people in my life who aren’t worth my time. Who use time with me to try and prop themselves up on pedestals. Who only give a fuck about me when they can try and one-up me, correct me or try and prove they are better. Goodbye. Goodbye to not taking better care of myself. Goodbye to not taking the time to prepare healthy meals. Goodbye to not consistently following a workout program. I’m tired of this lifestyle that can be easily changed.

@see_on_see thank you. Your statement you made about my higher self reminding me of who I truly am is very profound. I feel as though I lost a lot of myself in the past 8-10 years. I’m slowly gaining that back.

Been quite attuned to this as of late. Here’s what I’m experiencing: 1. Friends. Posted about this the other day. Have fully realized which friendships are working for me and which ones are exhausting and not worth my time. Even if they served me well before, they just don’t work for me now. 2. Assertiveness. Was always weak in this category. I’m finding myself able to stick to my guns both professionally and personally. 3. Compassion and empathy. I feel for certain people. I can delineate between someone who truly is down and out and someone who is simply using me for this. 4. Loss of interest. Things (activities) I used to look forward to, I don’t care to do anymore. Oddly enough they usually involved bad habits such as drinking. 5. Drinking. I do not crave alcohol, I do not need alcohol. The old me threw down at least half a bottle of wine each night or at least enough booze to get me buzzed. Now, I couldn’t care less if I have it, although a nice cold beer on a hot day is always welcome. Only difference is I stop after one or two. 6. Sleep. I went through this odd phase where I was sleeping early, and waking up at certain times through the night (every night). It is starting to normalize a bit more now. 7. Confidence. Gaining this very slowly. Small, very small things that give my confidence a boost. Not being shy, not being embarrassed, living in the now. So far, that’s what I’ve been noticing.

It feels great, especially as an ex-people pleaser. First time in my life I actually listened to myself and recognized I don’t enjoy hanging out with this person anymore.

I realized something very profound the other day, and couldn’t quite put my finger on it until now. Certain existing friendships no longer serve me. Throughout this change of mine, transformation, I’ve made some new friends and developed stronger friendships with existing acquaintances. However, there were a few that I just didn’t have the energy or desire to maintain anymore. My theory was proven after going out for dinner with one old friend last week, and finding myself wanting to get it over as soon as I could. After, I needed time alone just to recharge myself. I shouldn’t feel ashamed or bad about this at all. It’s all apart of growth.

The feminine energy you speak of intrigues me. I say this because of many reasons. First off, I’m in a male-dominated field of work but can distinctly tell by observing other woman in the same field how they can either choose to use this energy or not. Some are very overpowering and feel the need to assert themselves, while others are kind and warm, yet have the ability to be assertive in a much different way. The other interesting point is observing friends and family that, from my point of view, are rather dominating and controlling. This is not the person I want to be, nor is it the type of relationship quality I want. It’s as if their partners look to them to make every decision for them, yet always disappoint them in the end by not living up to their end of the deal in relationships. I look at my past relationship, and I was with a man that needed a mother figure, not a wife. However, he did not want to treat his partner with respect, he wanted to cry and complain about how unfair life is, and have them swoop in to save the day (in addition to cooking, cleaning, parenting, providing sex, etc). I have a lot of work to do, however I think this is a great first step in discovering something about myself.

So, I’ve been struggling with this for years. I look at myself in pictures and think I look absolutely horrid. I see men I find attractive and believe they would go after a beautiful blonde as opposed to me. I am certain this has brought on much of the grief I’ve had in my life. My last relationship, I stayed with someone way too long that was abusive, and knowing deep down I could do SO much better. I compare myself with others. I’m not as social. I’m not as funny. I’m not as beautiful. It’s like I have this vision in my head where I see someone loving me for me, loving every bit of me. I just don’t see it possible though. I really don’t like myself, and I don’t know how to.

Thank you all, some very good information here! Shadow work intrigues me because I can totally see how it would help my situations. Going out of my comfort zone also seems like a great idea to try. There are a handful of people I can comfortably talk with. Seems like it’s a challenge for just about everyone else these days. Thanks again, going to give this a whirl.

I realized this today, fuck. While I dislike making excuses, I take full responsibility for this. I was the one in a long term relationship with an abusive narcissist. I was the one that let him destroy me, my confidence and everything else to the core. I allowed him to make me want to be secluded and alone. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around people now. I’m working on this. Sometimes I have an interaction with someone and think - wow, why did I say that? Do they think I’m a total idiot? Maybe the problem is I’ve been using visualization to improve. I see myself a certain way. Perhaps this isn’t the way to go. Maybe I shouldn’t see my “improved” version as outgoing, friendly, attractive, in shape, etc. Maybe that’s what’s making me falter now.

I’m happy to say I’ve been doing some major work on myself the last few months. Alcohol consumption is way down. I was using it as a coping mechanism. I barely touch it now. Lost about 8 lb. Can almost run for 3 miles. Started lifting weights as well. I can totally see and feel the changes in my body. Began taking care of myself a little more. Having more confidence and making myself look better. Pelted by a lot of negative comments. Smart ass comments. Snide remarks. Of course, all said in a joking manner. Makes me want to push even harder towards self development and improvement.

So about a month after I left a relationship with a partner who was a) emotionally and mentally abusive and b) certainly had some underlying issues, I am starting to feel like I have a new life. There’s still a lot of work I need to do, there’s still a lot of hurdles to overcome (he is persistent in trying to contact me/pester me/act childish and immature). I feel a sense of living my life as if it’s my ideal life. This has given me motivation to do so many things. For starters, I don’t feel the urge to go out and spend money on restaurants or bars just to escape the unhappiness of a relationship. I don’t even feel the urge to drink alcohol. I am taking incredibly good care of myself, exercising, etc. I’m living the life I want right now, as if I have it all. Someday I’ll have a great life partner as well. Definitely not ready for that right now, but I’m presenting myself as if I’ve got it all. Great body, great partner, great life.

Thanks The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I’m trying hard to make small changes while I can. Just the smallest things that will help. Cutting out the booze. Hydrating more. Sleeping more. Actually for once taking care of myself. Ive got a long road of self improvement in front of me.

Well. Best said in song lyrics by Whitesnake - “here I go again on my own” I had the balls to end a toxic relationship last week. It was difficult and probably one of the hardest struggles I went through. Not because I was upset it was over, just because I was coming out of years and years of programming, manipulation and abuse. I walked away. I did it. I took my fucking life back. In just a short week, I’ve managed to find a place of my own. I’ve managed to accept the ups and downs during this time. I’ve managed to set boundaries and keep them enforced. I’ve done a lot. Tomorrow I start back at the gym. It’s been a whirlwind, but I know I’m going to get better each day.

So, this has been a huge problem for me as long as I can remember. In my last most recent relationship, I felt a responsibility to make things better. So, my partner would dump every single problem of his on me. Everything. Sometimes, he would raise his voice and get mad at suggestions I made. However, I always felt so responsible. Like, i had to do everything in my power to prevent him taking drastic measures. I took responsibility for everything. I had to do everything to make him feel better. That, needless to say, took a massive toll on my health. I decided to go no-contact when I left last week. He hounded me nonstop so I had to go completely no-contact. My fear now is this: I think, well if I did this, maybe it would have made him feel better. Well if something drastic happens, it is probably my fault because I chose to go no-contact to help with my anxiety. So right now I’m sitting in a huge puddle of anxiety because I’m still concerned about being the fixer.

It worked - temporarily. Then the same cycle repeated itself. He did agree to go for counseling and get help. But he was only doing it for me. I said, no. It has to be done for you. Nope. It was for me. Therefore, I was responsible for his happiness. Being the fixer was a temporary band aid solution because it allowed others to use me to solve their problems. For me, I would get temporary relief by “fixing” and potentially avoiding a not so nice situation by saying - I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

A little extra to my relationship post below. So, through therapy sessions as well as reaching out for online support groups, everything pointed to my ex partner having a personality disorder or being narcissist. Has he been officially diagnosed? No. This is just based on sharing my experiences with a therapist and a support group. Maybe I mentioned some bits and pieces of what happened in other posts here. This was a man who wouldn’t speak to me for a day if I said I was too tired/not feeling well and didn’t feel like sex. This was a man that would get angry at me for something very minor because he hates when people make him wait around. This was a man who would call me up for support over an issue, but would let his anger take over and would end up raising his voice at me. This is a man that would hardly show me an ounce of appreciation, spend money on everyone else and call me a gold digger if I mentioned it (“why is everything monetary with you!”) So, he told me to leave last week, and reiterated the next day I stay away. After I did just that, the onslaught of calls, texts, etc wondering where I was. Showing deep concern and care. I went no contact. I could not deal with it. I said - I will talk to you when I’m ready. This boundary was not respected. So, I had to turn off my phone. I’m going through a whirlwind of emotions. Now I feel bad, in a sense, because I figure I at least owe it to him to send an email or something saying this is over, all the best, etc. But I don’t know when I am ready to do that. I am not right now. I am still processing everything that has occurred over the course of the relationship as well as FINALLY taking care of myself. Finally saying - I don’t want to do something so I’m not going to do it. I’m putting my needs first. Anyways, I don’t know where I’m going with this. But I just wanted to kind of vent my up and down emotions as I start the journey to better myself.

So, my long-term relationship has ended. It is clear that he is not respecting any boundaries during this time either, as he will not quit attempting to contact me, even after saying stop. The problem is, it has been such a rollercoaster ride. I won’t go into the details. I knew I was over it a long time ago, but I thought, I’ll give it my all and try everything. It got to the point where I was exhausted and chipped away from every fight, every silent treatment, every suggestion of “working it out”. There are times when I feel empowered and think of all the shit, all the hurt, etc. Then I feel sad because I hurt him and don’t want to call him. Then I feel anxious in anticipation of him doing something. I have been a mess the last few days and I can’t see any end in sight. I feel as though I didn’t end it right (I should have flat out said this is over as opposed to leaving). My therapist said I do not owe him anything and I don’t have to say anything further if I don’t want to. This is so foreign to me for many reasons. The first is because I finally set boundaries and said - no. Even though it hurts, I feel bad, but I know I was not happy.

I ended the bad relationship. Now I am focused on improving myself from every perspective. I’m shocked and amazed at myself at the same time for just having the ability to be able to do this despite everything. I was not treated well. So, here we go with the first day of my new life.

I’m working with a therapist on this, but she just kind of brought it to light when I was telling her about my relationship issues. I struggle very hard with over thinking and catastrophic thinking. Always assume worst case outcome. Always assume I did something wrong, so I try hard to overplay the scenario in my head to give myself some peace of mind that I didn’t do the wrong thing. For starters, I have decided to severely cut back on my alcohol consumption. I’m using that to deal with problems as opposed to being mindful and accepting them for what they are. I’m meditating as well, as hard as it is when my mind is always thinking that way. I’m working on sleep as well, although currently I take sleep aids. I have to speak with my dr about how to safely cut back. I’m struggling a lot today, and the thoughts are creeping into my head. So, I made a promise to take care of myself. Baby steps. Little by little.

I’m in the process of leaving a bad and abusive relationship that’s about 7 years in the making. I am certain there’s a personality disorder on his end. Narcissistic, controlling, gaslighting, etc. Of course, this has managed to successfully quash any confidence I had, so because I was never allowed to have a voice or opinion, I lack the courage to leave. i want to leave. I envision a life without him and I love every second of that thought. I have no problem being alone. I’m excited to start a new life. I deserve better. The problem is I just lack the courage to stand up and say - I’m leaving. This relationship is done. I’m waiting for either him to leave, or for us to have some big fight again and use that as an excuse to leave. I’ve never broken it off with someone. Granted there’s lots of times I should have. I just lack that confidence.

Thank you all. Honestly, just reading your replies has given me a jolt of power and confidence. I’m being so brutally honest here, it’s like I feel I have so much courage to walk out, to reclaim my power back again. To live MY life. Besides, I am completely independent if the good or bad opinions of others! Let him think I’m a bitch! Let him think I’m abandoning him and his kids who are so fond of me. Let him think whatever he wants! I owe him NOTHING, but I owe myself a fuckton more.

I’ll admit I’ve always had trouble with these two letters. Im sure it stems from my people pleasing programming (which I am working very hard on releasing). I’m getting better at standing my ground, being firm, and not worrying about coming across as a bitch. This also means I’m putting my needs first. I have come to another realization that I’ve allowed certain people to walk all over me for fear of being a not-so-nice person. Do something you don’t really want to do because basically life is about sucking it up, doing the things you don’t want, and moving on. Granted there are some things in life we have to do even though we don’t particularly want to, but I’m talking about those things where we have a choice. I’ve always chosen to do what I think others want me to do. Did I want to go to that party in college? No, not really, but I was afraid that I wouldn’t be liked if I said no. Did I want to do things for my partner that involved his ex wife? No, not really, but I thought I was being supportive and wanted to show the ex wife I was cool. Lets just sum all this up by saying being that way got me nowhere in life. Feeling that I had to take every offer to do something got me nothing. Now, I say no. It is the most glorious, weightless feeling when saying those words. Giving my opinion. Letting my voice be heard. NO. I am doing what I want, not pleasing you anymore.