Gianna

@Goldzilla ohh okay. hm. intersting! thank you.

@Goldzilla Once I heard a voice inside of my head that wasn't my own voice (i.e.the voice that is usually going through my head). It was actually a man's voice I heard very clearly. What is this all about? It really made me empathize with schizophrenia who hear all different kinds of voices in their mind. Are these demons?

Yeah, that's great advice. I feel some spiritual workers are misinformed..

@RickyFitts Definitely easier said than done! But it helps to combine these two feelings into one

Week Four - Recovering a Sense of Integrity - As we clear our perceptions we lose our misconceptions. - As we eliminate ambiguity we lose illusion. - Clarity elicits change. - Morning pages make us aware of what we want and create the willingness to get it. - Morning pages point the way to reality, "This is how you are really feeling." - As we lose vagueness we come to the present moment. Art lies in the moment of encounter with the present– we meet Truth and we meet our self, we meet our self and we meet our self-expression. - We become original because we become specific– an origin from which work flows. - The moment you become terra incognita, you know the recovery process is working. - You know the recovery process is working when: 1. springcleaning feeling 2. change in energy 3. you will remember nightitme dreams and daydreams will catch your attention instead of going unnoticed. 4. your life that previously seemed to fit will stop fitting. FE, your music taste, sense of color, tastes, judgment, and personal identity will show through. boundaries will appear and define us. 5. you will feel unstuck, but you will not know where you are going. 6. you will have a sense of bafflement and faith

Josh, I know how scary it is to enter the world all by yourself. I know that you are terrified of being alone and stranded in a city you don't know. Don't worry, you will get a car. Everything will be okay. You are always safe. This might trigger you because you don't believe me but want to. Notice how rage feels in your body. But who is feeling this sensation? You are because the sensation is happening to You! Nothing else can touch you. Feelings are the only thing you can feel. And you can control what you feel by controlling what you think, by reassessing your values, by realizing where you are, and what you are. I love you so much. It pains me to see you in so much misery when I know you don't have to be. When I know it's all an illusion. But you are 18 now. You are out of prison. Childhood is a prison we are all born into so one day we'll know what it's like to be free. It's okay to hate your life in prison, I know you do. I know you think everyone hates you and you hate everyone and want to getaway. You can and you should. But we love you. And one day it will all make sense. You will see how everything you have always seen was only yourself. You will see how you were meant to experience everything terrible so you can one day feel wonderful. And feel it because of You. Because in childhood, you are at the mercy of people above you; but now, you are only at the mercy of you. I hope that makes you feel really good. I hope that being trapped all of these years makes you understand what being empowered means. You can create your entire life. I look forward to watching you unfold. Happy birthday.

Anticipation 1. Excitement (Positive) 2. Anxiety (Negative) I read today that anticipation can be felt as anxiety or excitement. Maybe this is why I have been confusing the two emotions. Maybe I should regard both emotions as 'anticipation' and become aware of when I am experiencing it. Because although excitement is seen as 'good', to me it is overwhelming. Regardless, both forms of anticipation keep me in my mind and away from the present moment. I can shift this by noticing how anticipation feels in my body.

Orange County, California, US. I’m surprised there aren’t many people from Southern California on here..

I experience other people’s pain as localized anxiety in my back. It’s feels like all of the sensations of anxiety, but all harnessed in one little spot in my back (potentially my spine). It’s a very sensitive area for me so whenever I experience someone’s pain I can’t help but push it away. But I think feeling other people’s pain can manifest in multiple ways. This is just how it registers in me physically. But emotionally, mentally, or psychologically speaking, it’s different of course.

I heard walking at night under the moon helps. Anything that connects you with nature really. Our cycle attunes us to the Earth. Being attuned to nature’s cycles is what harnesses our deep intuition, omniscience, and life force potential. Menstruation used to be celebrated with rituals in ancient years because of how much this attunement brought to the community. It has been said to be normal to feel a different “season” every week with your period. In this way, women go through the four seasons every month. Depending on whether it’s ovulation week, bleeding week, or the week after bleeding (might feel like spring time) you’ll feel differently. I have the same experience as you described in the beginning of your post. Consider this ‘winter’ season. You can hear more about this here.

Some say that if you feel like you need alone time, it’s because you are not authentic when you’re around people. Because if you were your authentic self all of the time, you wouldn’t “need to be alone.” The example that was given was with animals: you don’t feel like you need alone time from your house dog or cat, so why with people? I don’t know if I 100% agree with this perspective— although I understand it. That’s why I said “might” when saying, “that might make me inauthentic…”

Realize that you’ve been with yourself your entire life. Realize that you have never left yourself. Realize how the only time you’ve left yourself is when something scared you... and you tried to hide from it. Realize how you could never really leave yourself. Realize how the only way to leave yourself, is to forget yourself. Realize that you have always known yourself. Realize that there’s no one you can know more intimately than yourself. Realize that you know everything about yourself but nothing about yourself. Realize that you could never fully know yourself. Realize that you could never fully know yourself because you haven't happened yet. Realize that you could never fully happen because you are always already happening. Realize that this will never stop. Realize that you could never fully know yourself because of how complex and omniscient your being is. Realize that when you feel yourself, you don't really know what you're feeling. Realize that when you feel yourself, you don't really know where you are feeling. Realize that the feeling of yourself has never changed and has been the same throughout your entire life. Realize that because it has never changed, it is able to witness change. Realize that your being is ever-present– beyond time. Realize that you can be whatever you want to be if you convince yourself. Realize that you have an infinite amount of possibilities to choose from when structuring yourself. Realize that you can start from wherever when you’re starting from scratch. Realize that if you’re stuck in a pattern– a systematic feedback loop– your infinite possibilities to choose from becomes limited. Realize that your family, friends, belief system, and entire socialization really, highlights options for you to pick from out of this infinite pool of possibilities. Realize that those highlighted options are distracting against the rest of the infinite possibilities that you could become. Realize that your choices are limited to your imagination. Realize that your imagination is limited to your mind. Realize that your mind is programmed for you [in childhood], not by you. Realize that you can’t have ideas outside of your ideas unless you imagine them. Realize that to live out your experience genuinely and totally you have to be one with that experience entirely and totally, nothing else. Realize how that means you will forget the rest of your choices from the infinite pool of possibilities. Realize how much you don't know about what you know. Realize how much is automatic. Realize how the mind is automatic and coming from your past mind.

Routines Yesterday, I had a sudden realization on routines– something I have been struggling to create and maintain for a few years. Also something I feel like I internally battle with; is it good? Bad? Mundane? All of my parts feel differently about it. How do my different parts feel about setting routines? 11: Routines are rigid. How is anything magical or beautiful going to happen if you are stuck to such a rigid, boring, predictable, and controlling routine? 22: Crow: You can't grow, transform, or develop in any way if you can't stick to anything Gianna. Eva [Inner Child]: That's not really true because Gianna's had a lot of growth without routines... Whatever makes her happy Cleopatra: Routines are good sometimes, other times, it's time to get wild. Never stick to anything for long!!! What kind of life would that be anyway? So boring. You need spontaneity. The world is chaotic so be one with it. You need to be able to shift everything on a dime in order to stay in the flow. What was my sudden realization? My realization yesterday happened when I was walking down the beach. I was watching some surfers in Dana Point around 7-8 PM. I thought, "How cool would it be to surf the waves during the beautiful sunset? How peaceful is it to float in the ocean in the evening? How exhilarating is it to swim in the ocean at night?" It would probably be really scary which is most likely why I don't do it. But I was thinking about how these surfers are out there every day. I am sure most of them have a routine where they go out and surf at sunset every night– why not? They love it. And most are kids so after school and dinner, what else is there to worry about but surfing? It got me to think about my ongoing problem of not being able to stick to any daily routine. For years of my life, I've tried settling into a routine either by going to a certain place every day [starbucks to work; the park to do yoga; etc.] or doing the same behavior at the same times every day [morning routine; journal routine; etc. I set good habits– like meditating, exercising, etc. But why can't anything with me be ongoing? I accomplish goals– like 28 days of affirmations; maintaining a certain weight. But why can't I engage in a daily routine? Anyway, back to the realization. I realized as I was watching the surfers that sticking to a routine sets a point of attraction. I was looking at the kid surfers thinking about how blessed they are to grow up in such a beautiful area. I thought, "It is probably so normal to them they don't even realize it. They are probably so used to it, that's it's average to them." And that's when I thought, hm. Because this environment is so typical for them, they will probably attract more of this kind of environment. How lucky! And that's why my mind connected routine-building and the law of attraction. Will my behavior change? All parts were on par with this. We'll see!

I decided I am going to keep a journal of each of the "personalities" within me. I am doing this to keep track of the needs, desires, fears, and level of consciousness of each so I can release them. I will release each cluster of thought patterns until I eradicate myself back to nothingness. Leaving myself everything. 11: This dominating part of me doesn't want to be responsible for anything. The part of me just wants to go from experience to experience, worry-free and unattached. This part wants to be completely detached from everything and everyone. The only thing this part wants anything to do with is nothing. Nothing but whatever comes up and then leaves. No attachments. Not to anything, not to anyone. Not even to itself. This part just wants constant change, growth, realization, and then new ones. This part doesn't even want to be a part. It just wants to live. 22: This part has seen past the nonsense, the chaos. This part recognizes patterns and wants to 'level up' out of these patterns so as to create positive change. This part of me agrees with 11 in wanting new and better experiences. But how can you level up your experience if you are mindlessly engaging in the same behavioral patterns/loops/cycles? 22 wants creation. Crow: This part represents change and transformation. So, like 11, this part wants change and doesn't want to be committed to anything. Except, it does want to be committed to itself. That is what makes this part different from 11. 11's non-attachment goes so deep it doesn't even want to be attached to itself. But Crow wants to track progress. And in order to track anything, it needs to develop a solid and separate sense of self. Crow wants individuality. Because of this, it cares about where it perceives itself in life and outside of life. It considers all angles. Cleopatra: This part is dangerous. It's a dominating aspect that does not consider what's outside of her desires– probably because she doesn't recognize it. This part scares the other parts because it is untamed, ruthless, thoughtless, and action-based. She comes off as a dictator but doesn't mean to be that way even though she is. She is not evil she is unconscious. If you get close to this part, she will sexually blind you, distort your reality, and fulfill your needs unless they interfere with her own. She will do this naturally as she sexually blinds and distorts herself, fulfilling all of her own needs. She's addicted to the sense of oneness but is trapped in her separation. She's controlling. Eva: This part is Cleopatra's opposite. She doesn't want to control she wants to be controlled. The idea of being controlled releases stress for Eva. She actually interprets it as love. It's sick and fucked up and she causes a lot of tension for 11 and Crow who despise controlling environments. Things being handled and done for Eva is something she dreams about. She has a deep-seated belief that she has to do everything herself in life. Unlike the other parts, she does not get off on this belief. She gets off on the idea of someone completely taking over and controlling her. Completely surrendering to life and letting go of everything including herself. She doesn't care what happens to her, she fancies it. She doesn't believe anything comes easily in life. She doesn't believe in other people. She is suffering; she is in a constant state of pain. She's a child. She deserves her needs to be met but cannot meet them on her own.

I love this quote. And I am not sure how to reconcile them either– per the thread! Lol! But Teal Swan helps with integrating parts through parts work. It may be cool for you to check out on youtube!

How you treat the things you own is a reflection of how you treat yourself.

@RickyFitts So cool you checked it out! And yes! Agreed. The holistic approach to healing is cultivating so much understanding for me.

@RickyFitts Of course

What is your thinking? If your thinking is that your destiny is to have free will and no matter your choices, you will be endlessly fulfilling your destiny, then I think you are correct

It doesn't. But I thought about that too!

I completely agree. It just sucks when you're dealing with it. When you really are trying to create change and you're dealing with the beast that is resistance. Oof. Not easy.

hm, this may be conflating resistance with personal boundaries (likes/dislikes). Maybe the two are the same? Our resistance is our boundaries; yet, our boundaries need to be reassessed when they prevent expansion. So maybe resistance is a boundary that prevents expansion. But the short answer is really that resistance is homeostasis. As @RickyFitts pointed out, resistance is the function of the ego to maintain the ego. The ego's use of 'homeostasis' results in– what looks and feels like– resistance. This is the ego's effort to maintain what is comfortable, known, and safe for survival.

I read it– The Anatomy of Loneliness by Teal Swan. I actually listened to it on Audible. Her voice is so calming and everything she teaches is super helpful. I would definitely recommend it. She breaks down loneliness into three pillars– separation, shame, and fear. She then has a chapter on creating a connection and one on maintaining it. Super clean-cut and practical.

@Preety_India I feel so connected to you in knowing we share our most intimate Guru– Leo. Leo changed my life. This forum changed my life. It makes me cry thinking about how lost I would be without all that I have gained in these teachings. I understand Leo so innately, I feel like he could communicate anything to me and I'd know what he meant/where he's going with it. Sometimes I predict things he'll say because I feel so deeply connected to him. This is why he is my most intimate teacher. I discovered Leo when I was working on my life purpose. I didn't know about his Life Purpose course, but a friend had told me about his personal development podcasts and I decided to listen. I used to listen to a lot of podcasts (Hidden Brain, Freakonomics, Jay Shetty), to expand my mind but Leo soon became my one and only source for podcasting because nothing could beat his teachings. Nothing reached the depths he would go to. No one could expand my mind like Leo could. He is my guardian angel teacher. I'll love him forever, throughout eternity.

The further away from the Truth you get the more you forget what's true. It's like being lost in a forest– the more lost you let yourself get the more lost you become. Suddenly, you become one with 'being lost' and forget what was before it. You can't prevent oneness because oneness is what you are. Do you see? Oneness is not something that will happen it is something that has already happened when you think about it and something that is already happening when you are not. So what are you seeing? What are you becoming one with? Did you lose the Truth? Do you notice how something has to be True in order for you to follow it? We don't follow falsehood. We convince ourselves that something is True and then we follow it. So where will you go if you take your eyes off of what's actual? You'll go wherever you have convinced yourself is True. That's a scary game– a game of playing in the dark. It's like being lost in the forest again. Notice that you can't become lost if you keep your eye on what's true. It's only if you convince yourself that the Truth is somewhere else– or if you let yourself drift too far from the Truth for too long– that you end up losing it and become one with whatever you haven't lost. This is why it's never good to focus on other people. Because people themselves are lost. They will try to convince you the Truth is somewhere where they convinced themselves it is. But why do you need other people to tell you where the Truth is if you already know where it is? Do you trust yourself? Do you know yourself? Your body does. So what are you going to do? Are you going to override the compulsion of your body and give your authority away to others? Or are you going to take a leap of faith with yourself? Life is not about what's safe it is about what's True. So if you forget what's true, you'll spend life lost in the dark with others, in emotional turmoil, trying to find it again. Because although it is fun to play around with, nobody can go long without themselves– without Truth.