Gianna

Are you disappointed in me? I would be. I know I missed the mark on the expectation of me. But the thought of me can live through you however you’d like it to. I hope you imagine me as the best big sister ever. We can swim together in eternity, lasting forever. At every age, in every place. Let us dance together in outer space. ilysb.?

wow this is beautiful. wow, again, so beautiful and impressively accurate. It could save countless lives. I will definitely be passing on this wisdom. Thank you. I think that's exactly what he meant. although the suffering feels very real– and so it may be triggering to hear for those who find themselves suffering– it is still crucial to recognize that suffering could not exist in and of itself without Love. Everyone on this planet is pure Love. And so if they are suffering, they are casted by a spell of illusion/distortion of love they cannot see. But luckily, we have each other to point to each other's blind spots– the blind spots of our own inherent self-love.

When you look into my eyes do you see nothing? I hope you do. I hope you see everything that you are when our eyes meet. You know this happened to me once. I had no idea what it meant at the time. I just saw something so deep I couldn't see it at all. All I could tell was that he had seen some shit– at least that's what his eyes told me. But I also felt like they were looking at it. I don't know what they're looking at me for I have no idea about nothingness. What I do know is that I have never felt more seen in this moment with eternity. I wanted to say back to it, "I see you too." But again, I didn't know what it was at the time although I did. I knew the feeling it gave and I gave it back. I was with it forever. He for sure had no idea about any of this he just has taken too may trips to the moon. He doesn't know what he knows and now I know what we both didn't know. I know that I hope you see yourself when I look at you. I hope everybody who crosses my eyes meets themselves in eternity like I did in that moment. I hope they meet me there too... we can find the one in one another.

@RickyFitts ?

I need help with that. lol. (re:low self esteem) i'll definitely be checking out your journals! Will you be posting them in the journal section?

I believe that you've always cared. It's just that the intensity of your care was not being evenly matched. You might have intuited this and stopped the caring because it was too intense for you to handle alone; especially when you are missing the reciprocity from a narcissist. Don't ever worry about losing your empathy forever. Your empathy is still inside of you. It's just holding onto itself for you. You need the last bit of your empathy so you can recharge yourself. I think you have been doing this (giving yourself your empathy) by allowing the withdraw– I mean it's not easy what you did (putting yourself first). It's the most loving thing you can do for yourself and you should be so proud that you naturally went in this direction of self-love after such hardship. Your empathy will come back naturally when you are ready. Don't guilt yourself in between. You deserve yourself and the greatness and love and warmth you have always offered. I think your mind-body is massively intelligent for listening to itself, putting itself first, and fulfilling its own needs before pouring itself to others.

I love nicole lePera. Thanks ricky <3

@trenton Wanting more but letting go, listening to yourself, being accountable, surrendering, not expecting too much too soon, loving yourself in between everything, being a crusader of reality and the truth– it sounds like you have very healthy awareness and mentality. Keep listening to yourself <3 small steps are how you reach success. I think the chess coaching is a perfect start and who cares about the more that you'll eventually do because you are an awake creator and your beautiful life is inevitable <3 doesn't matter if you see the entire journey or not, you're doin' it! Keep up the aspirations and detachment. I think that is an amazingly wise combo.

hehehe. So true.

You can create an emotions journal or a song of the day journal and see which emotions are being reflected in each song. @RickyFitts started this technique <3 it's brilliant. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman is a highly recognized book as well.

Maybe your body is trying to tell you that you need a long break. A break from "have to" mentality. We don't "have to" do anything. We work to get money. But if you save money and go somewhere where you can spend that money on not having to work, this kind of a break for your mind and body and soul may come back to you. Invest in yourself, and yourself will let you invest in other things as a reward.

How does a system work? Well I can tell you how it doesn't work. A system doesn't work if all of its parts are turned towards each other saying, "What the fuck are you doing?" This is why they say the best way to help someone is by forgetting them. Do they say that or am I just saying that? Whatever the question may be, ask yourself, how do I save someone if I am not outside of them? How does remembering myself, help to forget myself and others? All you can ever do is be. All you can ever do, is yourself.

Did you know that everything I understand you can understand if you let it? Someone made a connection and you can tap into it because we are infinitely connected. We all have the same understanding and it's firing off across the globe. Suddenly, an insight someone had in Japan is simultaneously realized by another in America. This is because we are all connected and by connected I mean one. Connect the last few dots of an infinity sign and you realize it can be unwind into a circle. How did you picture this circle? As an outline or a sphere? If you pictured it as an outline, fill it in and go inside. Then realize that you are looking at everything. If you pictured it as a sphere, extend its edges across infinity and realize you are in an ocean. You are in an ocean with no end because all that exists is water. We have this same experience in Life you know. Life surrounds you like water would if you were to sit at the core of an infinite ocean. You can't escape it because you ARE it. How could you leave yourself? This shouldn't scare you it should fill you with Love because Love is all that you are. The intention of it and the very thing itself. You just have to feel yourself to really know it.

Chapter 3 I guess it all starts with your trauma doesn't it? The pain that kills you. You live your entire life thinking that you are alive when you don't even realize that you are already dead. That you died long ago when you sacrificed yourself for what you thought was other. Silly bean. Most people are put in a position of two options: you or them. It's kind of a cosmic joke. For the people that pick them, they will live their entire life consumed in other, thinking that they are good for it. But how good is this to themself? For the people that pick themselves. Well, this love is so deep people will ostracize you for it. People are afraid of the love that will definitely kill them– self-love. You will be canceled by others if you pick yourself. After all, you didn't pick them. All of this is just a lesson: can you love what brings you pain? My pain was not so cute when I saw it. I was the one that picked other. It felt like love at the time. Of course, love is the reason for all of our choices. Yet, even when we think our love is for other it really is just for ourselves. There's no such thing as altruism in a world where you are everything. Yet, there is no such thing as egotistical altruism in a world where you are nothing, not-one-thing! How confusing is this? When you're a child it's even worse. It's like you want your parents to love you but you also just need them to give you food. But you don't have much of a choice when you are a child do you? Do you know what happens during the moment of trauma? What happens is you try to run from yourself but you have nowhere to go. The only place to go is into oblivion– that's where you try to hide from yourself. It's the only place where you can truly forget. Let's talk about oblivion for a second. The dictionary says that oblivion mean unconsciousness, but I like to think of oblivion as outer space– I mean it's the same thing really. Because when you are as unconscious as our society is you might as well be in outer space. You're definitely not here, that's for sure. You're in a world of confusion that kind of feels good in the sense that it makes you want to kill yourself. This thought feels like relief when you are drowning in the despair of chaos. Except there is a secret order behind chaos isn't there? I have said before that chaos is not random. It's completely predetermined and then has free will. Do you want to know something about free will? You don't have it in the state of oblivion even when it feels like you do. It's funny, we were talking about relief earlier. Why don't we feel relief in the state of oblivion when everything is determined for you? Haha. So much responsibility that you don't have. You know what's fucked about finally becoming free? It's that you have no idea what you actually want because you are so used to turning to others. Or, you have no idea what you actually want because you are cursed with an irrational fear that you can't get it, that you don't deserve it, or that it is not possible even though you are only dreaming. I mean how sad is this?

Chapter One Did you know that your Inner Child is actually just your emotional body? It holds the pain, abuses, heartaches, and suffering you undergo throughout life so you don't have to. It holds the Darkness of Life. All of this is held for you by your Inner Child so you can carry on with becoming a person. How else are you supposed to survive psychological turmoil? Well, at some point this turmoil bursts open. Once you meet the Light of Life it shines itself onto the darkness holding your pain. It shines itself onto your Inner Child. You meet yourself in Truth for the first time. Mine appeared as myself as a little girl. But before this little girl appeared to me it was just Pure Light. After all, it is Light that gives rise to Darkness in the first place. It was just me and the explosion of Oblivion when it all happened. It would be more accurate to say it was just the explosion of Oblivion, and the Pure Light that it left. Absolute Truth bursted itself all around me, from the inside out. I felt myself die while simultaneously being born– a waking up from a dream into a grander dream. I met a sentient void along the way. And when I say along the way I mean it lasted for a nanosecond throughout eternity. This void disguised itself as everything, as space, as Imagination. I realized that we are birthed into imagination from our own imagination; that we are birthed from ourselves to ourselves. The little girl appeared in the virginity of this space– "a space so empty, but with great fullness." What was once the carrier of Darkness– the Inner Child– was now an illuminating angel. She held her hand out to me, "Come on," she said, "I have something to show you."

@RickyFitts hehehe. I love you more!!<3

@RickyFitts I mean to be more fair it was too sexy to get through.. I almost didn't make it.

hehehe. awe ilysm!!!!

Maybe get a piece of paper and write out: "What would be so bad about being canceled?" on the top. then right your answer. Then to that new answer, write out, "what would be so bad about x" then to that next answer, write out, "what would be so bad about y" and keep going down further and further until you get to a core/root fear. I did this myself this morning on the same topic. My answer was that I would be afraid that if I got canceled while being my authentic self, that would mean that I wasn't allowed or couldn't be my authentic self and operate in the world. If this is the case, I would rather die. haha. But of course, we can be ourselves and operate in this world. We just have to prioritize what we think and feel over others. Easier said than done. This is a teal swan inspired method. But here's another one [it is a jay shetty inspired method]: 1. Write out the ways in which you can't control other's perceptions and why 2. Ask yourself: How does this make me more considerate of the things in which I choose to include in my life? How can I find the things that I enjoy enough and value in my life that will allow me to let go of this attachment I have? (maybe it's a reputation attachment?) who knows we all have irrational fears my love. You are not alone <3

hm. Very interesting. Isn't Frank Yang on this forum?

this is what I was thinking. And yeah, same. Very insane.

Hehe. Looks like I spoiled the ending for you

I'm writing a creative novel on my awakening journey! hehe. Stay tuned.

this is hot. She kills her!? haha. Now I get the title.