Indie

Hey guys. I'm Indie Im 19... I have no gender but that wasn't an option btw Leo... and I've been watching these videos for a while. Spiritual gifts run through my family. I had my first taste of Nirvana (nothingness, unity, peace, lack of distinction) at 15 but it was completely random and out of context and I didn't understand it at the time. I thought I had dissociative disorder my whole life, then I understood it as a non-dual state and feel blissful there. I had a few enlightenment experiences after hard work with contemplation, meditation, astral projection, and tripping, but contemplation being the biggest factor. To clarify what I mean by enlightenment is the understanding of the infinite nature of the universe, especially complete acceptance/ love and experiencing and perceiving life as very trippy even when Im sober, detachment from self, desirelessness, and nothingness all stemming from an indescribable awakening/ that left me sobbing tears of joy for hours because EVERYTHING MADE SENSE and it's so beautiful. Now I am in college and the material world seems so silly to me, even though I understand it's importance in human perspectival development, I am trying to figure out how to be true to self and Self while figuring out how I want to fit in this world with this new understanding without dropping out and disappointing my parents. I want to become some sort of neo-sage who helps people awaken but in a more modern way to appeal to my generation. I've already started leading yoga and helping people astral project and asking dogmatic young Buddists existential questions but I can't help but look at the world and wish I could do more because of how unconscious culture is and how much suffering it causes. Basically, I'm confused because of how transcendent of logic enlightenment/awakening is and my mind constantly trying to make sense of it and I'm also confused about what to do with my life with this new understanding because I bounce back from bliss zen detachment with no motivations or desires, and a completely zoomed out experience, to the egotistical material world that seems rather trash in this society. I need to understand how to aline ego self, God self/realization, and my life in a way that feels authentic. I feel like a lot of Leos videos show you how to get enlightened but not what to do with it our how to cope with it, because while beautiful, it's rather visceral and confusing to the psyche and ego. I know Love is the answer ultimately but I wanted to hear out some practical solutions or ideas. Also I'm trying to talk to other enlightened/awakened people because I have a hard time expressing/discussing all these meta perspectives in my current friend group I always feel like I can't explain it, its over heads, or woo woo. I also need to learn how to talk to different places on the spiral and reach people where they are.