Quit whipping yourself. You have been repressing the desires you expressed this past weekend.
Now your ego is wanting to punish itself for not living up to it’s ideal of a spiritual, contemplative person.
The real root of this desire to punish is your subconscious feelings of shame and guilt.
Be honest as possible with yourself about times you felt shame and guilt. Think of these scenarios and observe what different areas of your body feel like, especially stomach, chest and throat. Say and act how you wanted to back then, but held back. Dig deep.