fopylo

Hi, so since my parents are getting divorced they are taking action to sell the house, which I am not happy about. Today people came over to check the house if they want to buy it, and also tomorrow people will come. My father told me they are selling it for like 3x as much as they bought it for, which made me feel a little better. Back then when my parents purchased this house it was still quite expensive, but certainly not as if they'd purchase it now (prices are going up. And the small town that I'm from is considered a good place to live in). The house is quite comfortable, and I really like where it's located and how it looks like. I've been living in this house for more than 15 years (I'm 19), and since this small town (almost like a village) is small every age group kinda grew up together. From kindergarten until you finish highschool you're mostly gonna be the whole time here, which means I know people for more than a decade, 6 years minimum. Now you probably understand why I feel sad. From what I understand my mother isn't planning on staying here (which I don't really care since I anyways don't like her much), but my father however wants to live in this area (hopefully in this small town), but the problem is that an option for buying a house today isn't high likely, and that really worries me. I really really hope that my dad finds a place here, and honestly, I'm happier it's my dad rather than my mom. Those actions will probably come to play at the end of this month or so, and until my parents find houses we'll probably cram up with our cousins, which I don't have a good feeling about that. But the main reason I'm worried is because cutting ties with the small town = cutting ties with the people. I had a friend that his parents got divorced as well so he moved to a different city for highschool, and he did move on (he is a good guy, but those circumstances can make you overtime lose contact, and being "part of us" - I don't want this to happen to me). ----------------------------------------- Ok, about the dreamboard. I wrote down like a few months ago that I want to still have this house. Shit isn't working. Nice

@Leo Gura You claim you'll live forever?

Ok so my father is settling on this house

Ok so there are 2 good news and 1 which is eh... Good new: The plan was to sell the house at 6 million NIS (which is super expensive and my father is well aware of that) in expectation to eventually sell it at 5.5 million after negotiation. Things are starting to settle and the new couple that'll move in are buying it for 5.8 million! (There was some demand for this house and so my father felt more comfortable asserting his demand). My father is most likely gonna buy an apartment with a garden (a garden apartment) in the same small town, which is great, even though it's quite far from the center, it is still better to live here and be close to the place I was raised. However, it is not 100% gonna happen but we really hope so. He seems to kinda like it but idk. Not so good news: My mother is planning to move somewhere quite far like an hour away. I actually don't really know if it is such bad news. I don't really plan to be with my mom that much anyways, especially for the fact that staying at my father's will probably be more valuable: The piano will be there, the dog, close to friends, a better place I believe. Thing is that the space will obviously be smaller and I'll have to get used to it and perhaps many issues will arise. That might be quite annoying

So I was just resting on my bed for a while feeling different areas of my body, and I realized something cool: Feeling = Accepting = Experiencing as it is. Up until now when I was doing body meditations I was focusing on trying to feel body parts. I tried intensifying the feeling, expect to feel the area warmer, with more energy when focused upon. I tried to make sure I feel it strongly, like I was focusing on an area in order to feel a sensation I was expecting to feel. This makes me neurotic. Feeling my hands doesn't mean I need to feel hot energy surrounding my hands. It simply means for the current experience of the hands, to be accepted, to experience it without judging, without wishing it to be any different (as I usually do). It makes me question whether this whole meditation game is ultimately all about accepting. Like body meditation = accepting (experiencing) the body, thought meditation = accepting (experiencing) thoughts, emotion meditation = accepting (experiencing) emotions. I will try not to think about it too much. Basically to experience all these facets the way they appear I'm starting to get what you said, @EmptyVase, in actuality rather than your long paragraphs lol, you could condense it so easily (as you also said yourself)

Thought is friend. Thought is a tool. Thought is for creation. After practicing some thought-awareness meditation I've come to realize better what is thought, the actuality of though - These exact images you see in your head when you read this, and the meaning and labels you give to things, this. Thought is not an enemy. Use thought. Listen to thought. Feel the thought. It is guidance. The goal isn't to "get rid of thoughts" - they appear all the time! And some of them you really like. Some even feel good! You want to think, don't lie... I believe the 'goal' is to align thought, to experience natural thoughts, thoughts that feel good to experience. That doesn't mean chasing "good" thoughts, or trying to change/fix the content of the thought. You don't control the content really, so forget about that. Thoughts arise, and you feel them: If it (the thought, the content) feels natural/aligned - then great! However, make sure you are true to yourself and be honest. You will learn the meaning of honesty deeper, simply by the innocent desire to feel good and prioritizing that over the "quality" of the content (The content may be absurd, weird sexual fantasies, unusual desires - If they honestly feel good, goof for you, keep the flow!) If the thought doesn't feel good, it simply means that it isn't aligned, isn't natural for you, and that you are still thinking about it. Here you also need to be honest with yourself about how it feels (good/not good, keep it simple). Usually we tend to get 'stuck' on thoughts that we believe are true, are real, sucked into them. Be honest with yourself (whenever you want, no rush) that you actually want to feel good (more like, to feel, which is amazing). Recognize the discord and let it go whenever you feel like - basically, focus on anything (your legs, the sound, a more aligned thought, your whole body sensation - These are examples of things that the natural flow will pull you towards, so no need to force yourself to focus on these thing. It will happen naturally, simply, because they feel better, it is more relaxing, calming - natural). This is something I found very important to know, however don't make it a dogma. You'll simply want to do that if you start listening to the quite innocent desire of wanting to feel better, aligned. This also doesn't mean to focus on thought to try to practice it. This means focus on feeling aligned, for your own sake. This means simply feel - your body sensations as they arise, thoughts, emotions, what not! You feel all of that stuff. Focus on listening to the feeling, to feel what's natural. Thoughts will still pass by. If you want to feel more aligned, thoughts will become more aligned, they will feel better - You'll see it! You'll feel it! Also, thoughts about what you want, desires, basically thoughts that make you feel "Ye, ye, this, give me this! I want this!" will feel great, since they are aligned with you. Those are your preferences - wants that feel aligned, to you. Awareness of thoughts meditation. (Thanks to Nahm) @Nahm

@BipolarGrowth What do you mean?

@Loba Maybe? Damn not such a bad point. However, if this will be the case then - A) it will probably be from staying at my mom's B) most likely the location of the house won't determine this shit for a few years since I'm being recruited for the military (it is your duty in Israel) I actually wrote it down when expressing my thoughts today after meditation, which I did after smoking a bit, which I did after hitting the gym: I just want everything to be ok. I want to maintain good relationships again with the people from (name of small town) and meet them more often. I want to still stay in contact with some people from the camp. I want to create more music, and maybe start singing/rapping and writing songs and poems. I want to have a great body want to workout more. I want to be able to do a backflip. I want to learn Shaolin Kong Fu. I want to be able to fluently understand Japanese, and to speak it. I want to learn Chinese You surely write amazingly. How do you know? How could you be sure? What if you still would've known it if you hadn't moved? Yeah, well.. actually those realizations aren't that rare. They happen sometimes, in the more pronounced way of thinking to yourself "wow, aren't I actually quite lucky to have been lead by these steps to be where I'm now?" Which you don't really see from the vantage point of "these steps", which I'm in. Lol I haven't thought about it. I mean, I don't think it will look very appealing for newcomers to see a whole in are little garden ?. Sure will. I'll probably take many pictures (I'll try not to overdo it because I'll stress and overwhelm myself) but enough good ones that will make the leave a bit easier for me. The people and town are another issue that will probably need attention. I'll watch the video and read your notes later, but thank you for reaching out, quite inspired me. Made me curious about stuff like destiny, the dreamboard, wants, purpose and how they play together.

@Judy2 I didn't write "I don't want to leave this house", I wrote "I want to keep this house". Also, Nahm told me that it will happen. Nice. Kinda starting to happen Yo, this is also what happened to me. Grandpa past away like 2-3 years ago and so after a short time my grandma sold the house which was very sad, because just like you said, all the memories attached to it. It is quite hard to accept such things. Now she lives in some apartment. I guess this shook me a bit and why I'm really resisting to accept leaving the house, or perhaps worse, a possibility to leave the small town in which I grew up in. It's a bit sad to imagine having one day to lose something, but it's different when it's actually happening, and quite a lot on stake

I've been trying the basic meditation of focusing on the breath from the stomach. As I've understood already, thoughts are and will not go away by "pushing" them aside. I just let them be. But when I'm focusing on the feeling, I've realized I still have thoughts, very vague, about the general course of my breath and maybe some dots resembling the tingling of the feeling. How can I focus on the feeling of my breath without having thoughts? When I let go of those thoughts by returning attention to the feeling of breathing, different thoughts arise. It's quite trippy. I feel as though I'm trying to control my attention, monitoring my breathing as a result. Oh, and not to forget that part of that meditation is that you then focus on the tensions in each body part and 'release' it by letting it go. Bottom line is, always when I return attention to breathing I still have thoughts, and many times discordant thoughts. I don't know how to meditate or to do this "letting go" shit

Lately I am going to bed super late (like 4:30 - 5:30) every night. I wake up at around lunch time. Personally I don't really think this is something bad, but sometimes it seems that my father is worried and friends are telling me this isn't ok. I don't understand. I don't understand why I still have the energy to keep going. Should I keep going or force myself to sleep. I can easily keep going to 6:00 even. So basically I don't know if it is even that healthy, and if I should do something about it.

@Eph75 I mean, honestly it doesn't feel super urgent for me to fix this "problem". Maybe only for the last day or two I feel like I want to wake up at earlier hours. I set a goal for myself to wake up at 12:00 pm, and it worked only once (I planned to go for a morning run hoping it will inspire me to actually wake up and not go back to bed. I actually woke up at 11:45 because my dog started barking lol). Those skewed hours don't really support the desire of wanting to wake up a little earlier. However, I did get to enjoy myself the experience of staying up late in the late hours when everyone is sleeping and no one can bother me in some way, I am more free and less worried. That is the good side of it. Yeah, today my father told me at family supper time in a humorous and worrying tone that it isn't good and that I'll need to start to change that. Not in a serious manner. But he gave examples such as chores that my sleep cycle isn't helping me to do. Don't get the idea that he is stiff though. I don't think I'm such a responsible person, but I feel I have improved. This feeling is backed up quite a lot - my father feels confident when he lets me drive (even though it's been a while since, and sometimes I did some quick decisive moves which some of them he asked me to do like he's confident in me, trusts me), and also is less worried about me going for the first time over seas alone (well, with another friend for his first time as well), and is actually quite supportive. I've been in camp which I believe also adds a bit. But between me and myself, if being honest with myself, there is still more to go, thinking about what society defines responsible, more like what I believe my parents define it as. Perhaps it could be a phase, like many phases. It feels good but not forever. Preferences might change I believe. Yeah, I have lots of phases like this as well lol. Doing those things, I've left behind ever since getting into spirituality, at least what I believed spirituality to be. This "stage orange" stuff just didn't vibe (perhaps negative judgment, emotionally wounded from it, suppressing frustration). Now I am excited to start bringing that stuff back into my life as I understand better spirituality. I want to play this game man

Wait, is he banned from here or just demoted?

@Gregory1 where did he even say that?

@Gregory1 Then how am I supposed to contact him?

@Nahm Hi, I'm sorry this isn't the right place to write this but for some reason my pm's aren't reaching you and it says that you're leaving my conversations. I'd like to know why this is happening because I'd like to keep talking with you..

I must say that this is one of the most eye opening books I've ever read, like EVER. Seriously this book goes in depth about our structural orientation in life. Talks a lot about the difference between the reactive-responsive orientation and the creative orientation. Anyway he talks about the importance of focusing on what you want, or at least, be true to yourself about what you want and know that. He says that at any given moment you could answer the question "What do I want?" Now the problem that many people face is trying to find the "What" in "What do I want", by trying to look deep inside them, trying to search deep within their soul. This process doesn't work since you're essentially trying to solve a problem, trying to eliminate your barriers. The author says that the way you find your what is that you simply make it up. You simply make up what you want. This notion can be quite unusual, and I still find it hard to 'make up' what I want and still have the tendency to try to search deep inside. For anyone with a very good understanding on this matter, I'd like to understand what he meant, and it would be even better if you had read that book

haha, lol. Am I fucking kidding myself? Who do I think I am? Did I really think I'll be able to get out all of life's problems with simply believing that meditation and mastering my emotions would solve it all? Seeing my brother, who is younger than me in 2 years already gaining lots of success for his age... Let me start from the beginning: I am a young man, 19 years of age, have always been a talented person, whatever I decided to put my hands on I've managed to get a good grip of it. I've done well in some areas of school, my peak being finishing mathematics at 10th grade with a very high score. My piano skills are very great. I am making effort socializing and therefore had some great experiences at camp. But this wasn't enough to cure this thing which is bothering me... I am still not getting anywhere, with this so conceived "potential"! My brother, who is all day on the computer is not such a great student, especially in maths, almost exact opposites. This guy has been editing fortnite videos for big YouTube channels and is making like 300$ weekly, weekly! I'm not around him much since I'm still at camp but it seems like he is going out much more, mostly to play basketball with his friends. Now that was surprising since he doesn't do much sports (doesn't eat healthy) and I thought he has only like 1-2 friends. And, he also bought himself a fucking CAR. It is obvious that my brother has a skillset, understands business, managing well with his friends, oh and he is also starting to get good grades, better than mine. You know, this is quite funny... Not too long ago I used to genuinely worry about him. I used to worry about his health, about his richness of life, heck even tried getting him to go to the same camp I'm in (for the next gen) with the help of a friend from camp. Haha, this is so jokes... Reminds me of what my mom once tolled me, "you don't need to worry for him". I don't even care now if my brother thinks the same for me. Look how things fucking turned out. I honestly thought that my life will be very great, as just this was a common pattern for me, that things eventually turn out for my favor, has been like that for me in many things. Now look - No concrete skill for the market, confused about my future career/business, shit position in the army, not so much money like my brother. Man I need to calm the fuck down with this spirituality. It doesn't feel that good, I'mma focus on this real life don't care what spiritual ideas you try to install in me now. Too much spiritual conceptualizations turns into the deadliest traps. Yeah I am experiencing jealousy I know, and I can express the anger (which I'm doing now), and allow discouragement to follow... Right.. @Nahm But this then makes me think "ah.. good, problem solved because there are no problems to solve, it's all about raising your vibration" which does feel better but will keep me stuck if no new action is taken. It is also true that I do not always feel this way, that I must start taking real action. I don't like imagining "my future life" which will involve hard discipline and shitty work and being miserable. I can let that thought go, but I'd love to go a step further than simply letting the thoughts go, because usually I stop there, after alleviating the situation.

I can think of stuff you could do for enjoyment but not much for selling. If I'm going against it, feeling not so good, I'm suppressing feeling. Yeah but you're contradicting yourself as you just said that thoughts are deceptive, so when you listen to feeling you're feeling the thoughts of future and how things might be. This is an assumption I am not doing it. I am comfy. Maybe thoughts are holding me back from trying new things, but idk. Perhaps this could be one of those phases?

@EmptyVase Wow this is actually a fucking beast way to look at it, great mindset. Thanks. So then the last question remains how do I find what I simply enjoy? It needs to be something that can add value to others though, and something I can sell. I am having thoughts about a part-time job I should get in the break before going to camp and most of the jobs that come up in thought don't feel the best. I believe you have times when faced with options and that none of them feel very good but you need to go with one of them anyway. But this is talking only about a part time job. Yesterday I was having some thoughts... About people who I know and that I envy. My brother, as I said already. Also a kid back from high school that was always good with achieving stuff, always confident, a pro trickster (backflips and all those tricks), has a beautiful girlfriend, wrote a fucking 500 and something page fantasy book that he is advertising and selling well, was interviewed on tv because of it, has a good position in the army. Fucking jealous. Man I'm like all day in my room on my laptop, sometimes going out (was on a short break from camp). It is kinda vague for me to 'try things out'. I don't also really feel like going out of my way to try knew stuff (even if deep down I want a better life). Basically in a rut - having repeating thoughts and being 'stuck. Yeah this is the kind of life I want - One that has challenges and is fun, to feel like the beast I really am, this almost animalistic instinct lol Hmm.. Not to go all in on one thing, but rather commit to this trial and error process.. makes sense. For the question - to sit comfortably in your room chilling, in your comfort zone. I believe this requires some shift in focus. A drive one must have to embark on this game with such enthusiam, something that will move an individual to take action. I am quite scared trying things out, but I have desires. Fucking hell. The things you are saying feel just so right, like why isn't it the case for me. I've had periods in my life when life really felt like this game.

@Personal Shaman Ok but I don't really want to do coaching, don't feel like I'm ready for it, plus, it doesn't quite feel right, at least for now. What was the business if I ay ask? @EmptyVase But like I believe I said, massive value provider in what? I hope you notice how this could potentially put pressure on me, putting this pressure on myself. Not only do I not know what to do (as well as the fears in going all in on a business that I don't know how I will act), but also to be a massive provider, in other words, it sounds like a real 'all in'

@Personal Shaman Focusing on making the money brings the belief that I don't really have the commitment and sharp skill to do it. Trust me man I've tried this KDP a few months ago - didn't like any bit of it, wasted lots of money, and made only like 1 dollar. Tried an online business with Shopify last year and no sales. I didn't like it that much and I felt like I'm forcing myself. Above all I also need to enjoy it. Maybe I just didn't find what I love yet (business wise).. I do not want to be broke. I don't think of myself highly like I can sell anything unique. I don't have expert knowledge like other people, plus I don't want to build a personal image of myself on the internet of something I'm not yet sure is my life purpose.. Doesn't matter. I want to work anonymously. Sometimes in the future I presume I could get into Amazon FBA. But again, this whole money thing isn't something that's always burning in me. I have some stocks in some shitty brokerage account that my father helps me with it, but I'm not really following it much. Quite averting it. What businesses have you done? More like, what methods did you use to create money? Wow. This actually makes way more sense. Thanks for opening my eyes. I guess you mean being present. Lately I feel like I've become better at meditating and something new I've started to do was to use the breath (the intention of breathing) to "gather" the current experience (thoughts, emotions, sensations) to the center, home, the place of things being true, truth. This is naturally expressed by being felt. And it was really insightful, like it isn't about reaching to feel better, but rather feeling the experience (like I wrote) and accepting it with love - it's relaxing. I can still feel anger, worry, but they are experienced now. I guess you could say that what you really want is to feel emotions in general, ever deeper. It seems as though it was quite obvious from the start the way you say it It is out of curiosity that I want to know. Also, perhaps it can help me in talking to you while knowing where are you in your life (in the material world) and how well I can relate to you

Oh great, my brother just sent me on Discord that he created a sick music beat.

I'll be honest with you, most of my life it actually seemed like they favored me over him (this is not necessarily the case but I just got more attention because I was quite "gifted" in some areas and had more interesting things happening in my life). Now he gets it all, and I can actually see how my father likes him. They really don't seem to worry much about him and trust him more. I wish I could also have more trust from my parents, not that I don't (I am at camp travelling so I guess this gives them enough trust. And my father is ok with the idea I fly overseas with a friend), but the trust you get from knowing where you're going with your life. I don't want to necessarily assume that. He is obviously managing to maneuver himself to high places. But yeah, who knows, I don't know if his emotional life is that rich. You know, I can actually quite bear it. I've improved a lot last year and I am able to be happy for his successes. True, I most likely couldn't bare living in his footsteps but I could help him gain more success. But why are you saying that? This is exciting to hear. Even more exciting is the fact I'm 19 and started this journey like a year ago, and the amount of insights I've got and my understanding from Nahm puts me in a very great spot. I sometimes have the thoughts of "wow, imagine then how I would be in a year from now, heck, at 25, even 21!" But I must not get caught up too much in those concepts because at these ages life is taking turns and I need to practically be ready for them. It seems almost like his life purpose. He's extremely good at it, like a prodigy my god

@Personal Shaman Most of the time I am following desires that are more unique to me (not necessarily following them but at least acknowledging them)... It's just that things are starting to get more real and I also need to survive in this life, you know. also, can't find myself to be super unique for the market place. I realize that focusing on solving problems keeps you stuck in the realm of thoughts, and what you really want is to feel better. What you're referring to is a hunch. I get those sometimes, but then for some reason I take my focus off of it, especially after I write it down on the dream board because "it doesn't matter anymore after I wrote it down". How old are you?