SuicidalBug

Hi. Two months ago I got raped by a stranger at 4 am in a park. When I feel good, I can see all the sense in what happened and I don’t feel anger towards myself and not even towards my attacker. I’m a strong opponent of sending people to jail, since I know it only makes things worse when that someone comes out. And from the very little things I know about this man, I know that prison didn’t do him any good the first time he was in there. I can see all the things that changed for the best after this happened, I know that I would’ve done the same thing if I was in exactly that sort of situation, and by me I don’t think I mean this man that’s writing this right now. When I’m not doing good, like right now, it chokes me to realized all the things I could’ve done to get the police to catch him. I could’ve called 911 right after it happened, I could’ve had the courage to follow him and find out where he lives and then call the police (the day after my rape I was horribly messed up and I still went out of the house and started looking for him. I got a lead but it turned out to be nothing). For fuck’s sake, I could’ve not spent so much time wandering the city like a ghost after the rape was over at 5am, and instead went directly to the hospital I went to where they checked me up and did a rape kit. He’s being looked for now by the criminal police here in Germany, but I’m usually at peace with the fact that they’ll never find him. During the rape, I actually asked him why he was doing this to me and he raised his voice and there was grief and desperation to be heard. He said “Because of love”. How can I accept and understand this kind of love when it makes me want to hammer nails into my head? How can I accept it when it pulls me apart at the seames and makes me scream and cry so hard that it gets people so worried, they talk to me about going to the psych ward? And I know it’s love, because I know everything is love, but it hurts so much that I can’t even begin to be at peace when the pain hits. And I’m realizing that if you look through my posts, you’ll mostly see depressing shit about me torturing myself and driving myself crazy. This is not all I am, I am so much more than this and I’m sure almost everyone that reads this would enjoy spending some time with me, which I would also enjoy truly, yet I feel a bit ashamed that this is the only facette of myself that I show here. I seem to find some peace and understanding and acceptance of grief in this song. It helps me realize that sometimes things happen that seem just senseless and violent, and that we have to fight through them to create a meaning of our own. I want to get out of this knowing more about love and about myself. Learn how to love even those who treated me so bad, and how to make decisions that bring the best outcomes for everyone. When I listen to this I can’t help but see the memory of my rapist walking up the steep grassy road in the dark, out through a tiny entrace in the park and into the streetlights for a couple of seconds, after which it was like he just disappeared, while I was staring still in shock peeing behind a tree, after which I ran as fast as I could to try to reach some light, some life, anything. There were some people out when I got back to the center of the city. A lot of them stared at me with worry on their faces. I probably looked completely spent, as if I would’ve been pushed around in a moshpit all night until I fell unconscious for a second, being woken up by someone stomping on my hand. I don’t mean to sound so literary, but as a writer this is my main coping mechanism to distance myself. So I think what I’m asking is: How do I stop beating myself up? How do I cultivate understanding for this man, so that I stop wanting to see him imprisoned and in agony? Thanking you already for the beautiful responses that I’m going to get, as usual.

@TheGreekSeeker I appreciate your advice greatly! I can do some of the things you recommended and thankfully I’m already seeing a good therapist. What’s clear for me now through the help of the replies I got, is that I need to focus myself on my healing a lot more and need to show love to myself before (if) I try to understand and show love to someone who hurt me.

@Lila9 Thank you so much for the very detailed and compassionate answer, and I’m sorry you had to survive a similar experience. You’re right, I think it’s best I focus on my own healing and not so much on understanding and accepting him. He doesn’t deserve that, and I don’t have the mental power at the moment. Thankfully I’m in therapy with a trauma-focused therapist and I have a lot of support from my girlfriend, friends, family, social workers. I feel very lucky to have all this, and to have met two very compassionate policewomen who have been there for me even when I called while hysterical at 3am and one of them spent more than an hour that night to help me feel better. Thank you again, wishing you a good time!

At the beginning of this year I fell into a hole of chaos that I can barely crawl out from. A lot of self-improvement mixed with a lot of bad behaviors, provoking people until they beat me up because I didn’t fell comfortable having them around and I wanted them to be kicked out of where we’re living. General being an asshole, becoming judgemental and then stopping it and then becoming it again. Bursts of over-confidence mixed in with a lot of self-hatred, putting myself down, feeling like a nasty rotten rag. Victimizing myself, treating people as if they were aggressors because they reminded me of past abusers. Being upset because of different reasons and using my stinging tongue to make people fell as myserable as me. Inferiority complexes. Supperiority complexes. Drug-induced psychosis. Drug abuse. Health system manipulations. Manipulations. Paranoia. Suspicions. Attention-seeking. Bettering myself and then burning it all down. Trading peace for bloody chaos. And it’s almost 2023. This year I’ve moved from home to a group home, got a girlfriend, got beaten up, overdosed on ketamine, got addicted to lorazepam, started having dissociative seizures, got raped, was in a horrible relationship before my current girlfriend, got threatened so seriously and terrifyingly that it caused me a couple of psychotic episodes, my magick starting to feel a lot more productive, motivated for the first time to live a healthier life and eating more healthy, going on long walks, contemplating, starting to go off meds that didn’t do me good, started losing some of the denial about the horrible things I went through as a child and young teen, started seeing an amazing therapist specialized in dissociative disorders and organized abuse, made a lot of progress in therapy, actually initiating talks to my girlfriend about how to make our relationship work better, raising my distress tolerance, realizing I am a very strong person and that a thing like a rape can maybe turn me into a wreck, but the kind of wreck that you wouldn’t want as an enemy, I’ve been reading more again, discovering more music, discovering myself, getting glimpses of Oneness, getting important spiritual lessons, realizing that motivation has to be cultivated, not just expected to arrive, becoming more creative, improving my social skills, consensual sexual experiences. I want to use this journal as a way to put my progress over the next year into words and to help me structure and think about my behaviors. Some vaguer goals I have for 2023: Learn more about love, become more loving and understanding. Spread the love. Exploring myself, taking myself seriously, stopping denial, trauma healing. Accept and hold all the parts of myself. Take responsibility and take initiative. Choose the harder way to achieve something, not the easy way. Choose the harder way to achieve something, not the easy way. …… More practical: Look into ways of furthering my education. Become more independent. Learn more healthy recipes. Learn to deal with finances and impulsivity. Read at least a book every month. Learn more about the subjects I’m interested in. Change my desires so that I start wanting the things that are best for myself, others and the environment. —More to come!

I already did, but I don’t expect anything coming out of it, and I’m looking for ways to deal with this fact and to let go. I’m extremely sorry that this happened to you too, I hope your recovery is going well and that you have enough support in your life. @Tyler Robinson

I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to ask you to look at her cuts. I would refuse that every time and if she did it anyways I would have a serious talk about cutting contact if that happens again. First I want you to know that this is veeery much about the people who cut themselves (I’m one of them), not about how much support and help they get. Someone could be getting torrents of professional support and unconditional love and still continue to SH. What I’m saying is: guilt from you would only do worse for you and your friends too. Set good boundaries. You’re not a professional, you’re a worried friend who wants to help. You shouldn’t have to go over your own needs to give them support. More practical: I really recommmend The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook. You could find it online and send it to them. Helping them to look for a therapist. Helping to distract them from the urge. Like someone else said, it’s very important to make the person feel that you take them seriously even without SH. SH shouldn’t trigger in you a rushed reaction of trying to help, or a lot more empathy/sympathy than you usually show. Don’t be neutral to their SH though. Let them feel that you feel the severity of it and that this behavior comes from deep emotional pain. Try to be a role-model if you can. It helps if you yourself have healthy coping mechanisms for when you’re confronted with strong emotions. Try to make them realize that what they’re doing is only making their emotional state worse. Not in a judgemental way, but in a concerned way. Tell them what you noticed that happens after they SH, all the negative outcomes. I hope someone can use some of the advice I put here. Good luck!

TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm, gore I’m seeing bad things in my head again, things that could’ve happened in an alternate reality, and it makes me want to rip my eyes out. My chest is so tight, I’m suffocating. I want to go out and tear myself apart. I want to cut my arms to the bone. I keep crying but the prssure won’t go away. I need to scream. I feel hopeless and helpless, stuck with this agony. There is no hope, there is no help, I’m trapped here forever, alone, and I can never escape. I can’t do anything to escape, I’m always here. I need help, but I don’t know what. I don’t know who can even help me. I feel like I’m dying or going insane or both. I’m fading away in these images. I can’t take it, but there’s nothing I can do but sit here and take it. If you also feel like this, I’m so damn sorry. I wish I never went down this path. It hurts so damn much… I’m not strong enough to walk it to the end. Much love, Andy. (PS: don’t worry, nothing s*icidal is going on.)

Thank you a lot ? Wow, thank you, that was a very profound answer. I’ll need to keep in mind “If a thought feels bad, it is not to be believed.” That’s extremely helpful! I’m feeling a lot better now, everything calmed down. Hope everyone else is doing good too. ?

I’ve had this for quite some time, since I was a kid actually. They are thoughts that come up and I can’t stop them, with horrible things happening to my family. It got a lot more painful after I was introduced to the idea that anything we can imagine is actually real in a parallel reality. I’ve talked about this to my therapist but it wasn’t helpful, since she is not a spiritual type of person and doesn’t know about non-duality. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with it or a new way I could think about it? Everyone on this forum has always been very helpful and I thank you all a lot for it! ☺️

@How to be wise Thanks! I’ll look it up, I haven’t read it yet. @WelcometoReality Thank you! That’s very good advice. Distracting always helps me, now I only have to work on my motivation to actually interrupt the thoughts and do something else. And thank you for that description “horrible thoughts that are thoughts about thoughts”. It makes them sound pretty silly and a lot less distressing

When did you start seeing them? I also only see white noise and I also hear static (they call it tinitus), but I also see colorful fractlas mostly when it’s dark. They’re extremely beautiful!

I’m having a very hard time feeling love for myself or even feeling love from others. Intelectually, I know I am loved and supported, but it just won’t reach “me”. It feels like a wall between myself and the other people. A feeling of aggressive duality. Been self-harming by cutting and burning for 7 years now, countless stitches, even 2 surgeries to close deep wounds and a skin transplant. Since 7 years into therapy, and it feels like it’s getting worse but at the same time I feel so much different and better than I used to be. I am in pain, but sometimes I can just allow it and just be aware of it, just being in some kind of peace. Today, I saw “myself” into my roommate and felt a true love for her, true affection and curiosity. Do I need to start loving, understanding and accepting other people unconditionally to start feeling love from others and from myself as well? How do I start loving? Thank you for reading!

Wow, thank you, I think I can understand. It does make a lot more sense to start with loving myself instead of doing it the other way around. Thank you for the response Thank you for helping me discover a great youtuber. He seems like such a great, kind person Thank you so much for the reply and the links that you sent, it really touched me. I’m going to think about your tip of deleting the account and starting a new one. Thank you all for taking the time to read and write your responses, I promise it won’t go to waste ?

I undestand you, believe me. It’s so stressful to be so frustrated and pissed off. What makes you feel better when the thoughts get like this? For me, it’s thinking about something positive I notice about the person that I’m fixed on at that moment. I don’t know much about Sam Harris, but Jordan Peterson suffers greatly. He had to have an induced coma treatment in Russia to be able to get rid of his benzodiazepine addiction. Mental illness runs rampant in his family. All he is trying to do is fill the void, and by getting all that attention and being viewed as some kind of “free speech” icon, he gets some relief.

Unfortunately, Jordan Peterson is more of a gateway to right-wing extremism than he is to non-duality. He holds on to a lot of dogma and ideologies and is clearly a conservative fighting to catch and contain the river

Hello everybody, this is the first time I’m posting and this forum. I’ve been following Leo for about an year and been into supirituality for more than three years. After a few experiences with LSD, DXM and multiple types of meditation and contemplation, I’ve begun to realize that everything I see, hear, feel, smell, taste, touch, feels like I’m experiencing it right in the “middle” of the awareness. I’m calling it a middle because it’s the most appropriate word I can use at the moment. Does anybody here have similar experiences and/or can help me identify and translate this experience into words a bit better? Thank you very much and take care!

@Reciprocality Thank you! That makes things a lot easier to explain. @Osaid Wow, that’s very powerful, inspired me to want to write a poem with that theme. Thank you. @Endangered-EGO Thanks for the suggestion, I haven’t watched that video in quite a while. I don’t feel like everything is happening effortlessly, neither that I’m anchored in the present. I live in my head usually. Daydreams, fictional conversations, bad memories. I feel like I should be deeper into my mental health recovery before I continue on with enlightenment work, right? All the sensations don’t feel like they’re happening in the body and I’m starting to notice that I’m also not in my head. I think this identification is very strongly glued together. Thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll check it out? And thank you all for responding to my post, you were a great help

Wow, I never thought about that. I’ve experienced that a lot of times in my dreams.

Oh, definitely, almost all the time! It’s hard to stop myself. A lot of times I feel like I need to prove myself to these “people” in my mind. It’s pretty funny when I think about it from a distance, haha

Hi, I’m pretty new to affirmations, may I ask for some advice on how to start? Thank you

I quit Effexor cold turkey while in a psychiatric ward and it was absolute hell. Those brain zaps, shaking like a leaf, extreme depression that I haven’t felt in years. I ended up begging for a tiny 25 mg pill so I will get a bit of relief. Thankfully, it doesn’t last that long. You’ll feel so much stronger and confident after you get through it!

I understand your pain perfectly. It might not help you, but what always reassures me a bit is the thought that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be at that exact moment. Think of the video he made as an experience that moved all kinds of people in all kinds of different ways. Everything is alright, everything is always peace. Much love!