Loba

Sometimes I don't always see it right away, but I view this life as the perfect one. At times, due to circumstance, I feel a profound sense of lack and of having to give up certain things - but for the most part, if I look at everything properly - this life is a gift. Personally, I would like to die in my late 30's to early 40's - just enough time to map out my death in a proper fashion. Not a lot of people are given the time and the space in order to come to understand their own death in a very personal way. It comes on too quickly, or they avoid it until the very end. I can build from it, I can create from it and make it something new and good. I have a strong intuition that my purpose, that the reason I was sent here was to die properly - so that I could unravel just right, at just the right moment and come to understand my personal mythology. To bring it to life, in a sense, to remember things that perhaps I lost along the way. I wasn't meant to do great things in the traditional sense or to waste time on frivolous endeavors, to get sucked into the illusion of culture and society - I was meant to bloom right at the time of my disintegration. I am deeply loved by the divine. Someday I hope to feel it and to appreciate it a little more. I am humble, happy, grateful and honoured to be chosen for this particular process. I feel as though, no matter what we are given in life that if it isn't too horrible, we should try to see why this is the perfect one. Even if we don't get what we want, we get what we need.

Everybody's on the run So satisfy your hungry heart Give me something to hold on Here today, tomorrow's gone We're just children (La-la-la-la-la) Rolling where we don't belong We're just children (La-la-la-la-la) Waiting for the future to come We're just children (La-la-la-la-la) Rolling where we don't belong We're just children (La-la-la-la-la) Going nowhere, forever young Spin in circles around the sun Take nothing, going numb Standing on the tip of your tongue Don't give up now, it's not too late Go and give yourself a break So let it out, don't be afraid If you want love, you gotta give it away 'Cause we're just children Don't give up now, don't give up now

Death Magic - Hurt Yourself Whoever you want To want you back You never let go What you don't have I never wouldn't want A nervous touch Another bond Another cut Like water Inside us Before long It dries up Whoever you want Whoever you want to want you back They'll never let go They'll never let go what you don't have Whatever you want Whoever you want someone else You'll never let go You learn to love to hurt yourself

Was feeling really down today, but then I found this song and I'm all smiles. Dis iz mai bae. Today's just so wonderful I feel like chuckling I feel all fuzzy inside like a duckling Full of TARANTULAS And now that I'm here Tonight It's gonna get WEIRD Ah-ha-ha-ha! Look at these creatures Not enough features Cats should breath fire Bears should sing choir! (Hmm, very nice!) Look at this tower under my power Look at these people puny and feeble! Whooo-hooo! Look I'm just a triangle trying to save you From the delusions society gave you Gravity's a lie So is the sky Trust in the all seeing All knowing EYE Look at this money Who's that honey?! Look throughout history How could you miss me?! (Seriously, I am all over the place!) Look at this weather, I could do better! Mandlebrot rainbows, screaming tornadoes Look at this loser drinking coffee Now it's decaf! (Ha-ha-ha-ha!) Look at these people, calling me evil right back got you Now you're all statues! Now everything you know is disappeared It's gonna get... WEIRD.

I don't think most people know what this connection and process to find one even means. It can make you delusional, you can affix traits onto a person that are not there. I went through this back in 2017 and when I came out of it I vowed not to fall into that trap again. The reality is, there are many people that you can view as a soul mate or a twin flame. I don't think it is as simple as there being just this "one" for you - but moreso that there is an archetypal energy that runs through many different people that can activate something in you. It's a lot of pressure to put that title on someone. It means they have to live up to something, or that you have put them on an artificial pedestal. More often than not, it is just infatuation and commonality disguised as something deep. I've read the threads on this forum, and looked into different forums and websites on the nature of this divine connection, and the people who fall into this trap... they don't seem to really have a level of understanding over themselves or reality to really know. It's as if they did everything backwards and came at it from the outside. As if you had to look outside of yourself to find this. If you spent forever looking away from yourself, how would you know it when you had it? These things are inside of you. No where else. So you have to come to know this very deeply - to connect to it, so that it's with you even if you don't find it "out there". What if you spent your whole life looking around, but that your partner wasn't even incarnated into this reality? What if they were literally just outside the fabric of space and time itself? Maybe they "threw" you in this dog pit in order to learn some new things? Just throwing some ideas out there. I have no idea what your path will be with such a thing. But I do know it is an inwards process, and one that you might not like if you find it. You have to face your death head on. It isn't about beauty and love and sweet talk, it's about removing every obstacle that prevents you from experiencing your own soul. The "twin flames" are simply the wave of masculine and feminine. Everyone is on this wave, but depending on how close you get to your true self, you get elevated in front of other souls - pushed ahead - and this allows for you to create reality in a certain way that influences the whole system - this is why they talk about flames being able to change the world - because they are close to the first two. Adam and Eve. Genuine twin flames either bring about a brand new world, or bring everything to a close to start again, depending on the nature of how they unravel. Most people who claim to be in this kind of connection are absolutely full of shit and they have probably never connected to anything genuine within them in their lives. They mistake infatuation as some form of spiritual attainment. As for "soul mates" this is different. We have clusters that we are attached to, families in the aether that are always with us even though we might not feel them. You can look outwards for these connections. It depends on what you want to find. There's less responsibility with this type of connection. It's also easier. More fun. You might enjoy this one more, depending on your personality. Hope that helps somewhat.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired So much more aware I'm becoming this All I want to do Is be more like me And be less like you Can't you see that you're smothering me Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control? 'Cause everything that you thought I would be Has fallen apart right in front of you Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) And every second I waste is more than I can take I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired So much more aware I'm becoming this All I want to do Is be more like me And be less like you And I know I may end up failing too But I know You were just like me with someone disappointed in you I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired So much more aware I'm becoming this All I want to do Is be more like me And be less like you I've become so numb I can't feel you there (I'm tired of being what you want me to be) I've become so numb I can't feel you there (I'm tired of being what you want me to be

"Come here." "Wait, no... go away." "Wait, I changed my mind." "No... wait, you know what never mind." I don't know what to tell you... I'm an easily solved mystery, even to myself. I don't know what I want, but I do know what I don't want - so that whittles it down somewhat, yeah. I want kindness, understanding and also just to be left alone for the most part. I think I wanna be dead, on some level. Ever since I was a wee little girl, I always knew I deserved to be dead. In all seriousness, though. I don't know what to tell you - seems from my end that you're stressing over the small stuff.

I have a few replies to get back to in a few - sorry for the wait, I've been quite tired/ a bit enmired in old thought patterns I'm trying to break out of and it's making it hard to concentrate on a good answer. Be back tomorrow or the next day to finish up here. <3

If you commit suicide, you won't know what you were meant to do here, unless that was what you were meant to do. I suppose suicide, for some folks, was always meant to be. Trustworthy sources tell me that you go to a place to heal, where you are loved and put back together again. Either by God, or your soul family. You get a period of rest to think on what you have done, and are shown the error of your ways and how things would have been different if you had stayed. Maybe people who come back from NDE's due to suicide are shown that they have an easy solution to the problem that is being covered up by pain. From my understanding, the point of life is to grow the soul and so you will at some point have to come back here to learn the lesson you skipped, but I don't believe that there is some all punishing karmic danger to suicide. I think it is as loving as can be, for those who are weak and hurt, that the afterlife does it's best to tend to you. Just like here, when you reach out to people, their instinct is to help you through it, not to harm you for feeling painful emotions due to circumstance. You will have to finish those lessons, though. I hope you don't. Whenever I get close to suicide, entities come to me to try and change the circumstances for me via lessons/altering the course of my life and so forth. Just have to sit it out. We are all on this crazy ride together.

You're welcome, glad you found it of some use. I'm going to be doing a video tomorrow evening to discuss what I have found over the years and see if I can give it any structure. I'm feeling insecure about my place with this work and I'm hoping if I can talk it out that maybe I might see that I'm not so crazy after all, that maybe there is method to this process that I'm just not privy to within writing. Yeah I am noticing that for sensitives, they end up emotionally or physically unwell much of the time. My belief is that some people are not an energetic match for this planet, they are supposed to be higher up, and the density of this world over time damages your mind and nervous system, taking too much in at once. There seems to be a huge connection between disease and spiritual development.

I give a piece of my head To everyone that’s losing theirs (I’m breaking down) Flowers under my knees Crushed into thеir flowerbeds (I’m running out) I give a piеce of my head To everyone that’s losing theirs (I’m breaking down) Flowers under my knees crushed into their flowerbeds (Still falling from here)

I'll take you with me everywhere You're my best friend and family Without you I'm not even there No one would know me Staring into your glowing face, You look like the world to me now And you were always changing shape No use digging holes, got no seeds to sew Always changing shape Always changing shape

Son, go fetch the rifle now I think there's something in the yard I can see the herd is getting rattled And the dogs are on their guard Liar Liar Liar Well, we came to make a home here But there's something in the trees We bolt the door, chain the gate, secure the homestead But it's never gonna leave Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar The wolf is at the door somehow The culling of the herd is now The wolf is at the door somehow The culling of the herd is now The wolf is at the door somehow The culling of the herd is now The wolf is at the door somehow The culling of the herd is now Hey, did you curse this place? Did you fall to earth to cull a herd? Strange gods above the earth These are things you just won't believe In the shackles of the night There are lights up in the sky Scratching at the doors They are coming through the walls Twenty feet above the ground They move without a sound Among the garbage cans A curse upon the land Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar Liar

Awesome, that's so cool at you're working on this stuff, I want to see it when it's done. I totally get you, I'm trying to write up a journal entry and my brain feels fried, I think I need a long nap or something. I am grateful to you, too. You're a really good friend of mine, I appreciate your presence in my life. I love your grounded perspective on things and I love how the internet can connect people from across the world, from different cultures and upbringings and bring us all together. You keep shining, too Ges! You also have a big bright ole light.

Oh! I understand that. Sort of like lock and key, you just allow what you need to come to you in order to heal and it seems to take affect? Thing happening to you, working through you - do you mean divine or just any circumstance? Does it seem like you were just given a natural talent to be able to work through things/think through them? That's really sad that you have not been able to go after things you desire/don't have them and that you have to do things out of necessity. Both of our cultures/lives are very different in that sense. I've been given both pain and luxury at differing times. Sometimes when we would talk and I would hear of your stories, about constantly being under pressure in some way I wondered how you didn't buckle from it. I would have within a year's time. I understand from my side of the fence on how it feels to feel like an alien, or like your hardware is different. You've come a long way for where you've come from and I imagine it is probably hard to relate to people because you have a natural talent for growing intuitively, and your environment is more stagnant for the kind of person that you inherently are. I agree, I don't agree with the vision humanity has at all, but I also don't really have a better vision in place - do you? I've been thinking a lot about this - if everything was reset by some cosmic force, how would we all redo things? I have this feeling that people continue to go on after death and that they develop groups in order to grow, and I wonder what I will discuss with my group - or if they will all sort of assimilate into me - like how they say all is One. It's hard to know. What I do know is that humanity is whack, dude. People are so messed up - I wish there was a better structure for all people, from start to finish so that everyone was happy and could do the things that they love and are good at without all the bullshit getting in the way. There's so much missed potential when we fight all the time, war with one another, when you have these rich assholes at the very top dictating what everyone else should do. I don't feel connected to the human dream at all. I feel connected to something else entirely. As in, the whole world just seems to be made of it. Hard to explain, but... everything just feels like a manifestation of forces just outside of human awareness, that no one else sees. I feel that people are very blind to themselves in a lot of ways and I don't relate/even know how to function in this world at all. Like... I don't belong here. Someone gave me the wrong map dude. LOL! I relate also to the feelings of - if it weren't for some desire to survive - I would have ended it. I'm sorry to hear that you ever felt that way, though. That sucks. Do you still feel that way or have you resolved it somewhat? Shit dude, I am so sorry. It really pains me to know what happened to your country. It's really not fucking fair knowing that people struggle while others get safe/comfy lives. We all deserve the same things in life. No one should feel any sort of lack. I hate it and wish and hope that this will change for you. I can give some really broad answers on that, but for the nitty gritty, you'll have to have an awakening into what that is. The broad answers - God literally can't function without you as a part of the system. "I can't feel anything without you" God tells its creations. If you were not here, it would be incomplete and God can't be incomplete. There's a mechanism, an evolutionary feedback loop of positive and negative that looks completely different from up on high, and from that vantage point, there is a plan and purpose for it all. It sort of branches out with a lot of different tendrils and tastes for areas where people are ripe for discovering themselves and it does aid in that process. If you keep inquiring, keep looking within and don't stop learning, eventually your own puzzle will start to unravel. I'll bet it already has been.

"Mr. Wolf, I have brough three more things for you that I've placed in my small wicker basket. The first items are both of my eyes. Here take them, please. If you See out of them, you Will Know my experience, and my perception of the world. I want you to Know this, to See if I have been moving in the right direction and to guide me if I am wrong or unTrue. Thank you." - *takes the eyes out of the basket and hands them to Mr. Wolf* - "Mr. Wolf, the second item for you. This is... my tongue. It's silver and sharp, do you See? I want to give you the ability to speak from my mouth when you need to. To say what you have to say with your Truth and conviction. I Know that you can't speak on your own without a human being to translate you words. This is... the gift of speech. Here, take it. Place it in your mouth when you need to communicate. - *removes if from the basket and hands him my tongue, fresh, bloody and raw - still writhing with words yet unspoken* - "And finally... my soul blueprint. I'm... um... I'm not very good at reading maps, you know? So, with my eyes and my mouth, I was thinking that we could work together to unravel my purpose. If there ever was one. To at least take a peek and see what it is I am supposed to do, or supposed to be, or if just manifesting a proper death, if this is all that has ever been required of a human being. You tell me. I am listening..." - *hands Mr. Wolf a tightly bound map, strung up with a thin red rope* - "Good boy... thank you..." *small smile* I lost track, as the west wind resides, I saw your eyes And I call this home, but it's not where I'm from It's the place I belong when I feel alone Hey, we lost track of the wolf sound howling Away, close enough to make you stay awake I don't mind, if you stay here tonight, I'm scared of the light When the morning comes, and it shares my weakness My cautious smile that hides the pain

That is really sweet, I enjoy reading your journal, too. When you post something new, you are one of the first people I check out. You have a really good grasp on what you are doing, I can tell that you have already put a lot of work into yourself and have a lot of knowledge on this as well. I feel the exact same way! Like, I learn from what you write and feel how you feel about me, that your work is really intuitive and on point and I can read it and have a pretty good understanding of what you're talking about in relation to your own path and I am able to learn from your insights. You made my day with this comment, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. *big hugs*

So you showed me around your town To hell again and back Our love has served to alienate All the friends you depend on I know it might seem odd I know it might seem odd Cause your not the only one I remember my self as a lonely child So I was And you've got me wrong You've got me wrong (Ground your sense of worth Til the spark of morning burns And all those searching eyes Could scold your tender mind) Remember what they say There's no shortcut to a dream It's all blood and sweat And life is what you manage in between But what you don't know Is you're too young and eager to love Seething eyes So you're about to get into The ditch that you opened up (Ground your sense of worth Til the spark of morning burns And all those searching eyes Could scold your tender mind) So the stars aligned And leave you behind You wanna sow it up Here come the light Of an autumn moon Sister you know enough But for now just let it go Don't run, don't rush Just flow Through the give and take you had to learn How to cross the coals and not get burned But you're really just a little girl Playing in the park until the sun goes down Sometime you want to rise One did it's our desire No doubt you think you braided your own hair So you're all grown up Should you want to cross the line Which way do you want to fly? Pretend that love could help you find your way But you got me wrong Yeah you got me wrong ?????...

No problem! That's amazing. I am glad to hear that you had an awakening while going through your darkest time. I'm also very sat to hear that you were sick, but very pleased that you recovered/are on the road to recovery (?). I understand that very well, the doubt and forgetfulness. It's like, over time it can fade a bit and one might not feel as though things they experienced were completely true/authentic - if I am reading that right, if not feel free to correct me at any time." What is it about being authentic that is negative for you, and what is causing the resentment? You don't have to tell me if it is super personal, but maybe writing that down and looking into why you feel that way could help. Well... hmmn... scared of who you'll be... let's see... if this is something that is holding you back, you could try expression in the safety of a private space. A private journal or even just with a friend that you really, really trust to hold your secrets. See how it goes, how it feels for you. Read it over, look into it, try it on and see how the whole thing fits. What I am finding is that even within things that may appear odd or wrong, that there is a silver lining into it, one of love and acceptance. It takes some digging in to and a bit of time to get to the bottom of it all, but within the shadow - there is a lot of light. http://maryshutan.com/dark-night-of-the-soul-and-understanding-the-layers-of-reality/ A pretty good article on the dark night of the soul and the different layers/what to expect and what you can find in this process. It can be hard to distinguish, in my direct experience. I generally don't know, until what I am working with actively tells me about it's own qualities into what it is. It's not generally so apparent right away. It looks more like, almost like a spot of near invisible electromagnetism being manifested in the outside world - if that makes sense - and I will get a "ping" or a download in the center of my heart region when speaking to it. Sometimes this process is internal, but generally what I do is I take what is internal and sort of shift it outwards - like I move it "up" through concentration and then "out" - so that I can see its reflection - I don't know how I do this, it was something I learned how to do naturally after I had an awakening, it became activated within me. To be frank, I'm only very "average" or "so so" when it comes to understanding energy/natural forces so it takes me much longer to get a clue into things than someone who is naturally more in tune with this process. I will write it down and do a lot of research when I find something in my outer awareness - to get to the bottom of it - but it's not always so apparent. And sometimes these energies can also have both qualities in one, or they are genderless. So it's not so black and white, as just "male" or "female". Why I am presented with a duality of male and female collision, while also experiencing things merged or genderless I don't understand yet, either. I would say, if you're looking to understand energy better as a whole would be to read and follow this book here - I've used concepts and teachings from this book to understand my own experience, which has been gravitating towards the masculine/feminine, but this book will go into everything in much greater detail beyond just that - it basically just teaches you how to understand all the different energies within the world in a very nuanced way: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1724880705/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1534461943&sr=8-8&keywords=Mary+Shutan Seriously, this book is so detailed, if you're looking to understand energy in any form this has it all. It also works in a way that heals trauma, by allowing you to identify what is yours, what is other - and how to protect your energy - it has various methods that can teach you to identify things from the inside and the outside. The process of looking within yourself and identifying different energies - when you go within this activates latent energy in your system. Such as through sexuality, truth, self expression, creativity, self analysis, memento mori - things of this nature. Basically any blockage you can "feel" inside would be keeping this energy down and prevent it from moving "up" - when you finally move it up far enough - you can sort of send it out. Or, you might simply feel what is already there that has manifested of it's own accord. It isn't so much of a process of the mind, so much as it is of the heart. The mind will tell you stories, narratives and so forth, but the heart will generally capture a download or an understanding in a single instant. You just feel it in the center of your body, it's very different. Are all of these energies you? Good question. I will answer this as best as I can, but my awakening is still incomplete and so this answer won't be as fully fleshed out as you would get from someone who really knows their stuff. From my experience, at the highest degree, everything is You. even people who have experience on psychedelics, when they meet beings, this is one thing those entities will tell them, is that it is all you. In my understanding of the anatomy of things - the main energy - this life source we call God, has put partitions within itself that don't even really exist. They exist and yet don't. Like bubbles, or carbonation within a soda pop. These bubbles have their own awareness and experiences so that this main energy can express itself in as many different ways as possible. The entire goal is to witness itself as itself through you. It is layered like an onion. There is this physical world, but the further down you go, the less dense everything gets. It takes on an energetic quality to it, one that doesn't have form. Within these layers, there are still beings - which are you in the highest experience - but in lower experiences, have their own agency and worldviews. When you go deeply within yourself by removing blockages, you allow yourself to be able to have more access to these invisible onion layers. You'll start to experience all sorts of things - for instance, maybe the soul/spirit of a tree might quite literally say "hi!" to you out of the blue. It takes on and feels through the heart, and you can see a more illuminated quality to it - as if everything is just a little bit more "alive". It's a bit different in that you don't use mind at all. You use heart. It's like, a completely different sense altogether. Also, nothing you're writing sounds silly at all, not in the least. I just hope I am explaining well enough and if not, if you're still confused or have more questions and I don't have the answers, I might have resources available.

Okay, I get it. I think my IQ and EQ are in the middle, pretty average. I understand the state of being emotionally disconnected and am working through that now to try and bring them back online again. Have you worked through this process? I often feel quite numb. I know what I am feeling underneath all of it, but the emotion might be too intense or not deemed "appropriate", so I push it away. It seems to have created a situation where it just does that automatically, and I have to reach within and pull that emotion out of me to have a sense of authentic feeling. Assume own state and project onto others - hmmn, something to look out for, for sure. I can think of times where I have done this, right off the bat. It can be really hard to know from just words, like, really difficult. It's good advice, to remember to mention how one is feeling, so people know this, it's just knowing when the time is right, too. You can mention aspects of your state and it be in completely the wrong time/context - I see myself doing this sometimes and it's like - oh shit, that came out wrong/was at the wrong time/I didn't express it properly/prematurely. This is a really good paragraph, one to use for my own shadow work for sure. These are all things that I want to get better with over time. Factitious, yes that's a thing - as I've gotten better and am no longer in an emergency situation anymore, I don't see myself reaching out for that attention like I was before. I like to write about experiences and work through them on my own time, but I don't feel inclined to force anyone to deal with any drama from my end - I think much of my past seeking was from being afraid/unsure how to manage but also not comfortable sharing the details of what was happening, so I was vacillating between wanting to somehow fix it all myself, or to reach out for support. Sometimes I feel stressed and will express it in my own space, but when it comes time for another person who is in need to take that spotlight for care, I know to step back. It's like, someone with internal bleeding is going to be in line before a toothache, you know? Things have to be structured that way. This is actually a big problem in psychiatry, a lot of resources get used up by people who have this mode of expression, and avenues where there is a lot of "help" or self growth can be ripe with this kind of abuse. If you don't see it, people can get stuck in that caretaker/beneficiary role. Which I see no problem with, if it is consensual and both parties know what they're getting in to - but there has to be a discussion on it, and boundaries and some method of growth moving forward - but when this is online and in places like this, it can create this unconsciously in which case there is no consent and the connections formed are not done so with the light of this dynamic in mind/ air dried. I am actually pro-people getting their needs met. I don't think anyone should not get their needs met, and feel like they should starve in life in any way. I think there are solutions to this which is pretty much just to be as open as possible so that people can decide what they are willing and not willing to do. If there is that space for honest communication, then there's no problem. I do wish there was more creativity and a bit more leeway for unique expression, within limits of course. Maybe in time, we'll see. Ungrounded, yeah, I get that for sure. I should remember this and try to connect to it more often. I'll do some research over the next few days on how this works. Aww, it's a new pet? She is super cute. I love really friendly, sweet pets. Sorry to hear about your financial situation. I know how it goes for sure. Are there avenues in your country to make decent money or do a lot of people struggle with this? Yeah! Alchemy! Purification. It's totally an alchemical process, we are all going through this collectively for sure. Excited to see where your journey takes you over the next few years.

Hey there, sorry for the late response, it was getting close to my bedtime and I decided to hit the hay. I noticed you had another comment and I was going to reply to it, but I see I did not get back in time. I don't do psychedelics very much, when I was younger I did - my advice is if you are actively going through something tough that they can be hit or miss. If you're getting uncomfortable trips, I would lay off of them until you're in a better space. Some people feel differently, they think it helps with trauma, but my opinion is that they're best used when in a stable environment. Or if not that, then with a person who is experienced that can guide you through your trip. Oh man, I know how that goes. Therapy is very costly, it's one of the reasons I have not gone in yet for my own treatment. I'd love to give you more helpful advice, but I don't know a whole lot about therapy so I can't really delve into that too much. I've heard great things about it, and not so great things. I think it will all come down to how you're feeling about the process. Give it some time and evaluate if it is helping you and if not, try something else, if so, stick with it. Do you do any journaling? "Shadow work" and things of this nature? One thing that helped me get through some of my issues - I still have more to work through, but this helped me spiritually and gave me insight into the nature of death - was to journal. I started offsite for quite a while and then moved to this website. What I like to do is delve into everything that might feel like a block. My self image, my ego, my delusions, just everything - and to do so from a place of no judgement. Just looking at it like you might inspect something surgically. And I write that down. I will then look at different viewpoints and write those down. Over time, this creates a chain of insight that will eventually lead me to the main "problem", which is usually, for me, fear of death/pain/suffering. If I am in the right headspace, I will go through those emotions fully on the spot and try to see what I can bring up from it. It will either be an awakening, insight, a paranormal experience or a resolution into something that was bothering me. Another thing that can help your depression/suicide is to collect images/poetry/artwork/music of things that you can "feel" God in. Even if you don't see God right away, your intuition knows - look at these things every day and offer gratitude for them. Meet God in the middle with love and gratitude and see what happens. I wish I could give you more to go off of, but these two things are my main staples and they have done me well. I hope you find some sense of peace. Please don't harm yourself. But also know that I KNOW for a fact that God is caring and loving and that these talks about there being this punishment for an already suffering soul is nonsense. Why would a loving, caring God harm someone's soul who is already hurting? They're innocent. Just in pain. That is victim blaming, that is a human trait put into the nature of God. There might be more to the anatomy of the death/birth process, but okay... let's put it this way - say a woman was raped as a child and it happened a lot. Then she gets pregnant. She lives in a country where rape is considered a sin no matter how it happens, and so is premarital sex. She has to marry this man. She gets married, has the child and he abuses her anyways. She finally kills herself. Why would God then harm this innocent soul, who was already in so much pain, just to teach it a "lesson"? No way. That soul would be showered in love and kindness and a healing energy and put back together again so that the person feels whole and safe and has the ability to express themselves completely. That is what a loving God would do. And every experience I have of God has always been this way. God heals, it doesn't harm things. When you find it, when you reach out, it's very illumination is a salve for the broken heart. That has not been my experience. I don't discredit your experiences, but I think you went to the top and didn't get to fully map out the entire anatomy of this thing. In my experience, which was going through sickness and death, I was given the miracle of some sense of understanding - and it was the most truthful thing I ever felt. No ego, nothing. There was the whole thing - which is God, but there were souls, also composed of God. It was still a singular thing, but each given the miracle of life from which to explore itself. The experience of souls was single handedly one of the most true things that I have ever encountered in this world, to such a degree I that I Know it on a very deep level, and have even experienced my own bubble. How the anatomy of this works, I don't know, I would need more experiences like this that are so true that they blow any doubt out of the water but for me these are rare and don't happen very often. Also, some really advanced material talks about the soul - like the Seth material and Sri Aurobindo's works. I had an awakening to the nature of the soul from reading Seth Speaks. I would keep your mind open that maybe you've just experienced the top portion to such a degree that the other aspects of the anatomy of reality have not made themselves visible to you. Just my 2c take or leave. Hi there! Sure, I must preface that my awakening is very incomplete, so I write from the truest place I am at, but there are a lot of holes in my understanding so I'll do my best to answer but it comes from the place of still, quite a neophyte on the matter. My understanding comes from facing it in my own way - and having it explained to me from the other side that this is just the nature of things. I don't quite understand why it has to be so hard for people. I don't agree with it, I wish it were easier for everyone. I see people suffering and relate to it on such a visceral level. I'll tell you what I was told, but I still have questions that I am seeking from this myself. I was told that this contrast is what allows us to know what we want. We are creators, that are limited while we are here. We often can't see the extent that we create things, it becomes more apparent when you are dying, during certain forms of psychological breaks, or on psychedelics and sometimes in dreams. We are obligated to face it, but this fear is often wrapped up in a package that looks scarier than it actually is. There's often a distortion in how a person is looking at things that gives it a monstrous façade. It can take some time and personal work to uncover why the fear looks a certain way. It can come in the form of something very frightening, only to end up being something very loving underneath all of that. What I was told, from my challenges is that - if you believe in souls - that certain souls are given a life path that opens them up to be elevated in some form. Sometimes this is a very easy process, and these people go only so deep into it, and into themselves. But there is a deeper process where life breaks you open, not only to show you what you want, what you crave, in order to bring this to you in some form, either in life or death, but also so that you know how wonderous it really is. When you are very low, very down, and then something or some moment comes in to elevate you - there's this sense of going full circle. You've gone down into the underworld, down into the pit of human psychology, and you get to take with you all the bits from the bottom to the top - instead of just being in the middle and going to the top. There is a very interconnected energy/nature within human suffering that binds us all together. All humans have suffered. It is a key into empathy, compassion and love for your fellow man, to see their experience and pain and to know how that feels. This almost breaking-point can broaden your scope of understanding to a very significant degree. I hope that makes some sense. As for the masculine and feminine qualities, I don't perceive it as more important, it just happens to be what comes up when I face my own death/destruction of the body. I don't really have any feeling on it as being above any other duality in any way. It feels like - that within myself, which is feminine, that just beyond that layer, there is the masculine that holds it. Like Shiva and Kali - Shiva is inert and lays on the ground, while Kali dances on top of him. They are ultimately one. When I let go of my ego, and just look into the void, my void, this mythology springs to live, and I can see this living phenomenon within it. It is like both a dark and illuminating quality to it. It seems to be just on the very outskirts of the layers of thought, culture, even mythology, of anything - just an intention, or an influence that flows in a certain way. Will, you could call it. And it just tells me things intuitively that I write down and follow, I don't really hold a strong attachment to it, it's all very loose. Like, if I wanted to, I could let it go, and just focus on the void, but then there it would be. It moves in the creation, maintenance, destruction pattern, and for the one that I work with, this is a destructive force, that ultimately creates new soil for different things to develop and grow. It is activated or mitigated by the collective actions that humanity takes. A natural force. But masculine. At the end of the day, I don't know why these polarities are more fundamental, or if they even are. I'm still poking holes in all of it to try to make some sense of it. There very well could be something even more fundamental that I am not aware of. It feels very much like how the energy is described, though, within Indian tradition. That you seek it from within, not from without, that it is the building block to consciousness, and that the feminine is what plays or moves on this. It feels like they are both one, but that one, or perhaps both, don't realize this until one becomes aware of it from within themself. It is almost like, the universe within you. There is the human consciousness, and then this other thing that is more primal and archaic and wise - and both sort of "mold" and play with each other from the other side. When it comes to nonbinary or trans, I don't know how this works. I think that because we carry both of these energies within us, that it isn't an issue of gender. You could be the feminine energy and be male, or the masculine and be female, it's just how the very basic layer manifests within you. Hope that helps somewhat. I am kind of limited in how to explain this, because I am so new to understanding it. It might take a few years for me to be able to understand and develop a better answer. If you are feeling a strong sense of suffering and fear, my advice is to take up the practice of memento mori. Look into the void, with as much clarity and space allowed for it to speak to you as you can, and see what comes up for you personally. It seems like much of this stuff is so personal to each individual that everyone kind of gets a different picture to work with to put together. But many times, the partition between life and death is so flimsy, that the reality of this is actually just right there, looking everyone in the eye but we don't always see it. Within this void, this death, is actually a universal life, an awareness. It's like a full-circle thing, where you see immortality within your own destruction, in some sense. Try going through it when you feel most afraid and seeing what comes up in your awareness. Everything and anything. Get really comfortable with your inner darkness, your inner light, and feel for what you really want, what you would fight for if you were at the end of the world. What would remain, if everything else sluffed off. These things are the puzzle pieces, and those are what to inspect - these things that we either run from or so desire deeply within ourselves are little breadcrumbs, keys, into our own divinity.

Yeah, it was really weird. I thought I was crazy, that they had actually checked out my journal because they were popular, but it must have been my writing that drew them in - I just got... freaked, I guess. Like maybe I wanted them to come to me, to be there, but once they were I couldn't handle the reality that they weren't genuine/understanding about my situation. I really regretted it. I might occasionally come here to talk if I need advice, I don't want to take up too much room with stuff. But if I am seeking a resolution for something I will for sure take you up on that, and if you want to chat feel free to tag me. Agreed. Although sometimes my farts stink, too and I have been a problem at times. That's where it gets tricky because I am not innocent, but I am trying to purify. I feel some sense of guilt that comes up at times that I should probably let go after I write this, just because I feel that if I felt that, then I'm resolving these behaviours. I agree with the fart analogy, though. I wouldn't mind moving to another planet, this one is so crowded and confusing. You gotta be really rich to enjoy it fully. Or perhaps extremely developed, of which I am neither. I've noticed this, too and have this to some degree. Actually when I write to people I try to make sure that I pay attention as I can ramble a bit - it is something I hope to improve on. I agree, there is a lot of... how to put it, this place can be an echo chamber or a place for arguing over spiritual merit instead of doing the work to go within. I see a lot of these people who claim they have grown a lot, but they are in these long threads every day nearly fighting over the same concepts - talking about the same stuff every day. I feel like a genuine path has some unique quality to it, like as you go within it kind of creates your character, your personality, your gifts and I see people just getting stuck in this plaster mold of what they think is the general vibe of this place and everyone seems to want to emulate this to the best degree. I try not to get involved in those convos because my experiences and ideas on things are so different that I just don't want to fight or have them torn apart. I don't know why people don't listen, I don't know if it is due to luxury or what the problem is, but I see it everywhere. Do you think it has to do with our species trying to place over it a template of their reality - so they move and live through it, even as one speaks they can't deviate - like a fixed position almost? I feel I can get in that state sometimes. Suppression of the feminine, how do you think it plays out with that? No worries, it's nice that someone relates to it. And yeah it does make you feel alone for sure. The self-hatred thing is key, I get that so often. You're doing fine dude - I like chatting with you when we get the chance. I like that it's organic and free flowing. Awww! Thanks Ges! I am proud of the both of us as well. Results does feel great. Right after I send this, I am letting it all go with that situation that happened a year or so ago. I got to tell my side of it as best as I could, I expressed my honesty and guilt and so I don't want to beat a dead horse anymore. It is, absolutely, without a single doubt, time to let go. This will be my first act of self responsibility. To change the subject, how have you been these past few months? What's new in your life?

No. I don't think so. There are a few different ways this could go. Those who have NDE's and they are hellish, they pray for the light, for God to come get them and ask for forgiveness and they are elevated out of their misery. Another way - try doing self introspection. I did this in my darkest time, and it was pretty bleak. But what I found from it was not more darkness, but a beautiful radiance of pure Love, for all things great and small. That could be your subconscious telling you things about your day to day reality. Our minds filter our emotions and what happens to us and puts them into odd story forms to integrate. Please don't end it. I know life is hard, but we are all here together. You can find out without needing to die. Just go within and see what comes out. I relate to these emotions. If I were there I would give you a big hug. I am so sorry to hear that, what kind of work do you do? Stress. Gotta manage it somehow, it can certainly damage your heart if it goes on for years. What are you currently doing for a spiritual practice?

No... if you listen closely, especially if you are suicidal, the Gods will do everything in their power to come to you to help you in your time of need. They love their creations very much and do not want anything to harm them. There is no hell, other than the experiences that we have here on earth that offer a sense of contrast. We need this contrast to grow and to feel. What comes after death is unification with love, with the divine, in some form. When I had my awakening experiences, I felt everyone connected to the Source energy. Absolutely everyone who ever was or will be, all singing in unison. Animal, plant, human. Good, evil. All with purpose and reason. The universe takes into account suicide in its plan. Absolutely. If you take your life, it was already planned. There are some circumstances where the soul might do something unexpected, but this is very, very rare. And this is what fuels the evolution of consciousness forward. When I experienced the universe, it was very much like the visuals of this song - all things in their proper place. The web of life, the feedback loops that govern us. I have a strong faith that those who have harmed themselves move on to a place for healing. Not harm. God does not do this to its creations. It does beg the question into why these mythologies are so prevalent. I don't know why that is. I can only speak from my own experience, and this tells me that all things will return to two forms - masculine and feminine - and then once these two collide, they will be One - and then the process will start over again in some manner. What that is, I don't know that either. Here is the song God spoke to me through:

Haha, I wouldn't say that I write with accuracy, but maybe just from thinking about certain things and coming to some well rounded conclusions on them. I also have this really good intuition about these things, but don't always follow it, or I try and give people the benefit of the doubt or I let them mess with my boundaries until I flip out. Happens more often than I would like to admit, but it does. Yeah dude. I have experienced this a lot here, too. Even when in the worst situation of my life, about a year ago - around the time that you met me I was going through it. I'm unsure if I want to discuss what happened fully or if I should let it go - like if opening up what happened to me during that time, if it will even fix anything, but the bulk of it happened during a moment where, if anyone had seen me in real life, it would have been determined an emergency situation - and instead I got parasites sucking on and feeding on my delusions, egging them on and then running when I am now healthy and seeking answers for that behaviour. Instead of getting honesty, the truth of what happened is getting more convoluted in an attempt to avoid accountability for what was, basically, stirring the pot between a lot of different people, where none of those people were talking to each other and the only denominator was this one person's influence in the whole thing. But beyond that, this website, I had sought help offsite from a trauma expert and I was paranoid and didn't trust him, and so he spent a literal year with his friend tearing down my psychology in public and it tortured me. It might have been the thing that drove me over the edge. As this was happening, I began to take every little thing from other people as a threat, because I had become unhinged. Let me paint a picture. Imagine losing your sanity and your health, having repressed memories come up and having no support system in place. Imagine going to the doctor, to psychologists, trying to seek support from your family and your ex and your friends only to be blamed and abandoned and told that there is nothing anyone can do. You, then, finally, find some relief in spirituality after accepting your death. Now imagine, you reach out to someone online hoping they can give you the answer that will fix your state of being, only to be humiliated for it. This ends up eating at you. There's no where to go. It's just you, your psychosis, and death looming in the background. Every day. For seven years. You go to hospitals, your heart pounding out of your chest, your feet and hands turning blue, getting weak and numb, your mind can't think straight anymore. There is literally no other option ahead of you other than to accept that you will die at some point. Alone. You spend your time on a forum, you make a journal and you write. Your whole process, everything. You find solace in the spirits who come to your aid, to try to give you some sense of peace with your situation. They're your only friends. You write, write, write - and the further you go into your own psychology, the more fuel these offsite bullies have. They literally get into the very core of who you are as a person and turn you inside out, just for kicks. Someone makes a comment about you, but you don't really pay them much notice. It happens again. You start to get paranoid. Are they doing this to you, too? Is this how it's going to be, from everywhere, with the only option being to go through this process? You're stuck in between life and death - it's the only solution - to dig into the very fabric of who you are as a person, but the only option that you have is maligned and you're told you're wrong. So not only are you told that it is your fault that you're sick, diseased, and traumatized, but that your death experience is something of a "bothersome quality". You start to fight. Everything begins to look like a slight to you. You think everyone hates you at this point, you start to attack random people. Then some person defends you and tells you that your delusions are correct. You question them and this person attacks you for not following suit. You are a person who is literally falling apart and being torn at from all sides, and told that you have to conform, that your problems aren't real, but you feel them every day, piling up, destroying you. Eventually, you get bitter, you start to find slight in random things and this lasts for a long while. It doesn't just go away on a dime, it takes a year after getting through this. After going to a hospital, seeing many doctors, living with family and finally getting stable, only a year later do you have the chance to make any sense out of what happened to you. Only to once again, be silenced for your experience. That is gaslighting, and that is the quality of people that this forum represents. And that is not to say that I don't feel like a shit head for my reactions in that state, and the following reactions as I wormed my way out of it. It's taken a long time to be able to get to the point where I can crack this egg. And I want to do so truthfully. What happened to me was not okay. There should have been someone there. And there was. Two people. Just you, and my friend "Jake", who I have not talked to in a long time. So I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there. For not being weird, or judging my strange behaviour, for just sitting with me and talking with me and trying to understand me when no one else would take the time. That's the conclusion that I have come to at this point, is that - I want to rehash what happened during that period of time when it feels right. It doesn't feel right quite yet, and I am embarrassed as to how bad it got. People that came to my house when I sought treatment were like... "What... the... fuck... is going on... here? Holy shit." Because online I am just a block of text, no amount of expression as to what was happening would get through. My journal entries just got deeper and more detailed the more I tried to work through my death, but it was all a plea, ultimately. I think the solution will have to be to ignore conflict as much as possible. I come across as more conflict oriented online because I express myself here, that I feel more vulnerable when I share myself, so things slap a little harder, yeah. I wish we could all have some sort of method for sharing our stories, the whole gamut, so people just "knew" who they were dealing with, I've fucking tried this - and it never comes out the way that it was, it just can't be reproduced. You have no idea how much I understand this. Taking responsibility and having it push you in a completely different direction. It's like, when I fuck up - I might look away for a while, but I will certainly come back to it and try to understand why I was that way and I will take responsibility for it once I am in a place where I can do that. Just skip - I am starting to learn to do this, but I find that my sense of self can sometimes start to move away from myself with people that aren't authentic. And yeah, sometimes trying to change for the people around me - dude that's it - it was a vehicle for more disease within myself in a very serious way. I really took it all into me and made myself to be such the problem that I thought, and still on some level, do think that I don't deserve to be here. That, because people couldn't see where I was at, that it was my fault for being a burden. And I experience this even to this day, if I work on trauma - which I don't do just to "tout my problems", but I have a general direction and purpose with myself, that I will sometimes be castigated and misunderstood. And not even because it is a misunderstanding, but simply because it puts me in a more vulnerable role - it takes away - so I am then forced, even just through working in my own space - to become invisible for someone who is for the most part, living a comfortable and healthy life. But because I am behind a screen, it's much easier to reduce me. You literally can't win. The more you explain yourself, the more you try to express the truth of the situation, the more they adapt at avoiding it. They don't learn from you, dude, they learn how to hide better. That's a fact. And you will be the one paying the price in the long run. I get it. So much. Yes, same here. It messed with my self esteem. I didn't want to admit I was wrong when I wasn't. If I am, I will. Like... I have a confession. I have been mean on here sometimes. Every time this has happened, I was in a state of delusion or drinking heavily to deal with symptoms. If it was repetitive and against random people - it was due to delusions of persecution. I wasn't trying to "go after" these people - I was actually trying to say the most aggressive thing, the most forceful and angry action to get what felt like bullying to stop. If I had not run into that "trauma expert" and dealt with his offsite stalking - I would not have transferred that paranoia to this website. All of this never would have happened if I never met that person. They made me sick with that behaviour in a weird way. But I take responsibility. The truth is, if I didn't care what people thought - then even further down the line, not even the bullies would have had any traction. I've said some pretty gnarly things before, to be fair. Things that were said to me, things that I felt about myself, but still quite over the top. I hate that, when pushed into a corner, that I have this instinct to gnash and fight to break free, to push people as far away from me as I can - in fear, shame, delusion and self hatred. The cure to this is to not care what people think - at least - people who are harmful. But I can't always discern that. Not anymore. I'd like to think that I can, but I'm not so sure. I've had these weird "ego breakdowns" that are to a lesser degree, where it only happens once and I am done - but I freak out over something that is an issue from my past projected into a current scenario and it leaves the person confused. I might feel so right in the moment, only to completely question why that reaction was ever there. My resolution/solution is to work on not caring what people think. To the point where I can integrate new ideas/viewpoints, but that they don't rule my life to an insane degree. If I'm to take complete responsibility, then this is the answer. Ultimately, I just want resolution and a continuously forward moving process, where I know it is mine. Thanks for writing all of this, it allowed me to express some things that happened, to give some sense of resolution to it - I think I can let go. I've explained myself as best I can. If I could have transferred the state of being I was in directly via osmosis, it would not be some unhinged bitter asshole, but someone who was in a crisis on every level and no ability to cope with all of it - like crushed by a rock, torn apart from all sides. Never again. I will never let myself get into that place again, it was... sickeningly, heart wrenchingly, miserably bad - I think of the level of pain that a torture victim goes through and I can say with certainty that the amount of suffering I've overcome was to that degree. Most people would have offed themselves from it. You don't have to respond to all of this if you don't want to - I know that I've used this moment to sort of unload, and I hope you don't mind - I won't be doing that hardly at all. I guess I just wanted someone to hear, to understand what was really going on. A lot has been resolved... this year I have: Quit drinking Quit smoking weed Gone of meds safely Worked on some trauma Worked on my anger Worked on art/stories Began the process of looking at myself/my reactions/my sexuality/my repressions/all of it