Loba

This is the week I get everything moved out of this place, and I am just sitting around when I should be working and need to figure out before noon where the resistance is. It's knawing at my mind knowing that I need to get started. I am excited to be done with the moving process and to unpack my belongings and sort them and have everything placed just so. I will be happy to have my big kitty, Rusty back with me as well. I had a horrible dream where I killed someone out of jealousy and it makes me want to work on my anger a bit more. I don't like being an angry person. I would never physically harm someone, but my words can slice through people and I have a temper. My whole family does. I would like to be calm... I won't be making formal entries for a few more days until I have the time. Got some energy drinks, let's hope they help some. *yawn* *stretch* So much work to be done... ho hummm... >.< Breaking through the ice. There's something just so beautiful about dark energy - I don't know why, but it calls to me more strongly than anything else - this material is transformative. It can be your worst nightmare or greatest ally depending on how you approach it. A deep, ancient, penetrating energy. Watchful, mournful and lonely. Transcendent. Calling, calling, always calling you back. Death. The Great Black Sleep. It's do or die! Move, move move! Guided by chaos. Under the radar... perhaps I need to work with this thing to understand how to remove resistance to doing things? I have the right creative energy for it. I can see this energy so clearly now, and looking over old journal entries I can get an idea for where I was having a hard time quantifying what I was working with. I wish I had the creative energy to write forever, to just go deeper and deeper until whatever this is does whatever it does and I can fully understand it. It is dark. I can't look at all that it is in its entirety. I shouldn't have even stumbled across it at all. It hides in my shadows, and is therefore hard to inspect - shadows being what they are, hard to look at. And I still have all this work to do yet I sit here compulsively writing and this is where I need to learn to use this forum better. It aids me more than hinders, though. Just one scan through my previous year grew me immensely. In seeing; I am looking at a dynamic, moving autonomous energy - an expression. Quiet, peaceful, radiant, darkness. It has no gender, and yet is both. I suppose that opened, more unrestricted sexual energy would have power to it. I still have not moved. I'm just sitting here... with all this stuff I need to get done and I know I need to do it. I hate my resistance. If I didn't have it my life would be ... so much better. I write, write, write in the hopes to break out of this cycle of laziness. Fearful laze and lack of control has turned me into a nutcase waif and I'm really not okay with that. I feel like if I follow the signs down to the end that I will find my soul. I feel like following the signs gives me a chance to see parts of myself that I normally repress. I drink caffeine and smoke too much, but my nervous system is so off the radar that there's no other way to channel than to activate my system with a lot of stimulation. Then I can kind of check out in a weird way and free myself up. I feel chained, legit chained by malaise. It sucks. I hate this. I want to move. No amount of witchcraft will fix my laziness... Accept this. A descending red mist, that music is so soft, I hope death is like this. You can even hear what sounds like screams as it dawns upon some unsuspecting victims - and that is the nature of the Wolf that I have a hard time accepting. And then it's quiet. This energy is not to be toyed with. Any time I have tried it has backfired horribly, you simply can't control it for the ego's whims, and due to it being a death energy, it goes against the whims altogether. It's quick and merciful - the relishing murderous side of existence. And yet even it is artistic and Loving. It Loves to kill. It is a hunter by nature and design. I seek to understand its wisdom and have gained its respect through my journey. It's a good thing that I am a woman and that my sexuality is open to being understood or I wouldn't have stood a chance. In coming to understand it, it has gained somewhat of a life of its own - maybe a kundalini-like energy, it is certainly something paranormal. This tells me that repression is not a good thing, and that expression is important, maybe even the key to accessing your true powers as an entity. Due to my sexuality being slowly unraveled, I'm finding that it has its own ... imprint. I've struggled with trying to understand it for years; it's something society deems as very wrong and is something I feel is wrong, too. Even so, when I was going through a mental health crisis, someone overheard me on the phone and followed me to the hospital and was going to shoot me. Just because of it. It's dangerous to have abnormal sexuality, even if you are a nonoffender and don't have any desire to offend - even the act of just trying to UNDERSTAND it - will make people want to murder you. It's because I am a sub and the act is dominant, it's an intellectual thing - the actual act, like doing it, doesn't do it for me because of the lack of ability to communicate takes away what is intellectual about it for me - whereas fantasy, or energy work does not. There are so many ways around a sexuality that is not normal, like toys, roleplay and such things; I've never been ashamed of it, just afraid of what people would do. I accept it came about through abuse as a child. So why should I feel shame for something that I could not control? I control myself, though, just fine - and don't really have a hyperactive sexual drive to begin with. I feel like understanding this is also 'do or die', or rather, never do and die never fully grasping what you could have had. And now I have it. Sex magic manifestation [?] determination Binding energies into one Become a slave to the Climactic excitation Semantic reverberations The power that is rising You will materialize Converging illumination Emerging from your creation From a seed you will become And from a thought you will be Conception Made of clay An inception To dawning day The dewback beast is writhing Hate the crystal eyes What is the worth of a man Who cannot build castles from sand The bell by your nature A thiеf in the manger Death is a strangеr to you Do what thou will and will is below A phantom awakes on golden dawn Entropy alchemy, will Will be sought Do what thou will a thought will become A garden of Eden on the tip of your tongue A conjuring summoning uttered aloud Speakin' the spell, solidify clouds Visions of god, future is now Mountains they shake and colors astound A distant light reaching out From nothing came a sound 5:20, still done NOTHIIIINNNNGGG.... Life is about learning how to not fear. This is accurate. Life is a Love simulator. Seems to be so. Life provides you with opportunities to fear to learn to transcend it. Confront the fear.... Okay... I work with an energy that I don't understand well, and it creeps me out when I see it because when I do, I am often very unwell and sick and so I think it has to do with seeing death - I kind of see archetypes and how things interconnect that normal people don't see, and it makes me look crazy, but it's possible I'm just hypersensitive, I don't know. "Don't be distracted by our darkness" - this thing says. But it is actually, quite distracting. I look at this image and I see the archetype of something as strong as a mountain, a shadowed being, not really anything, but very dark with a deep inner light that radiates outward, and the light is a beacon and it is just for me. "Meet me at the top." I look at this and I see what my energy could do for myself, and yet I have none of my own. I have to make it through weed and coffee... I cheat... These things inject a moment into history, like these sunsets. Or an act of natural destruction... That's why this one feels male, but there is a deep, dark feminine energy within it. It feels like... it plays with time... Something deeply natural, for a purpose outside of my understanding. It carries within it the experiences of having been species that brought to themselves extinction, you see. Like an entire evolutionary act from start to finish, and that us going on forever as a species is not the end goal. That there are things outside of awareness with their own end goals. Nature could go on just fine without us and has with many species for as long as things have been evolving here, and in that act - that is where The Wolf energy rests. That is aeonic energy. It 'has' to be. Show me how to Love, it asks. All, Within You. I can hear the storm. Solace. I am Open. Was avoiding moving worth it for this information? I don't know, but every time feels like the right time to write. I just can't stop. I don't care about being a great writer, I just want to be free from my mental struggles and to understand why I am so fucked up. I'll just work into the night, that feels right. Get it all done anxiously last minute, with the power of fear. I feel that my sexuality is special, that it is a beautiful expression of the divine, I'm sapiosexual, as well as being mostly ace - I just don't have a high sex drive; but when I feel like it I do love it. I can follow it like a beacon of dark light. The thing about people with normal sexualities is that they never go as deep into it as it can be, and there is so much to be found there in understanding who you are, your power, your strength and your worth as a person. I understand this energy as a real, fluid Being. The more I understand, the more it can manifest into this world. It 'is' a chaos energy. But I was born from chaos, it's not my fault. A sweet release. I feel stressed out and horny, I have so much I need to get done. Gah!!!! *wiggles around and buries self into chair* SOOO cozy. I just wanna sit here and write. That's it. That's enough, the end Comes undone Falls off the edge, falls out young Falls off the edge, falls off love As dark comes the night Before sunlight That's enough, the end Comes undone Falls off the edge, falls out young Falls off the edge, falls off love As dark comes the night Before sunlight As winter takes me now, of cold and clammy skin A barren empty womb, as I am born again It's pulling at my hair, and crawling all within A gentle beating heart is swept away by sin That's enough, the end Comes undone Falls off the edge, falls out young Falls off the edge, falls off love As dark comes the night We all die young The monster in your head Won't surface again Be still my child Wash away the sin And I as future kings Walk off the edge Hold me by my name Hold me till the end I worry I'm a sinner, but if I was irredeemable then things would not be so... dynamic. The thought of being dirty in some ways gets to me. I wish I were clean and pure, but I'm not. I'm just not. I have held the hands of loss Felt them fade away With wistful smiles we toss grey hours of betray Lead the way Lead the way We raise our arms above and leap down cold rocks How pure The joyful sands embrace The shore longs for us and cleans decay Lead the way Beneath the waves Can I imitate the waves? Can I recreate an anchor? In the darkest depths of memory Can I imitate the waves? Can I recreate an anchor? In the darkest depths of sea Cross your arms across your chest Deepest dark awaits Breathe in final beams of dawn Let them dress your heavy heart Lead the way Beneath the waves of us Can I imitate the waves? Can I recreate an anchor? In the darkest depths of memory Can I imitate the waves? Can I recreate an anchor? In the darkest depths of sea I will imitate the waves I will recreate an anchor In the darkest depths of sea I will imitate the waves I will recreate a fall Into the darkest depths of sea I got nothing done today, except for a lot of self-introspection in the HOPES I could do something. I will be crying tomorrow when I have to rush to get it all done, lol! No, but seriously, this is annoying... I bought a pizza. I am so addicted to so much bad stuff, and even though I am, getting into states where I am super satisfied really does give me creative insight. And I live for it and love it, but when it comes to do or die, I always choose death. Death, satisfaction and sexual debauchery, gee, I wonder what sort of energy I am working with. Call me Star Energy assembly You are like a boat in this deep chaotic ocean. Just a lovely beam of light. Hold me like a sinner, don’t let me get away Hold me like a sinner and I’ll fuck you like a saint Oh, secrets in your sleep, whisper them to me We’ll lost beneath the sheets, holding on to me Am I just another high, high, high, high, high Am I just another high for you, baby Am I just another high, high, high, high, high Just another high... no, more like... I am curious. And still ambivalent. A dark spirit is flowering before me, coming into its own as I uncover myself, it's a two-way process. A mutual curation. I am pulled into aeonic forces, outside of my control. It simply manifests around me, the deeper I go into this process, I can't deny or fight it, and it may be the wrong thing to do so. And more than accept, I should embrace. The world is run by these energies, our society shapes itself around them. The pure energy is alive and it Loves and devours. The more I accept and embrace its chaos for being what it is, the safer I will be with it, paradoxically. I am safe from it, most of you are not if you work with this energy. DO NOT seek to work with this energy; unless it summons you personally. You will most likely be incompatible. You either come to love it and accept it as a part of you, or it eats you alive from the inside out, it's no joke. It needs expression. Sublab. Somewhere in there was the respect for that expression, and I could see the divine within it, as it came through my art, through signs, through sexuality, it's its own thing, and I think year after year of working with it I could develop myself... hopefully... part of that involves... doing the work... But writing this is doing the work. When I look at the above images, I See the energy as manifest there, from having brought it out within me. It is now reflected in a form that feels alive and able to direct me. I'm looking at an expression, of my shadow, manifest, alive, as something itself that was repressed - humans simply can't see this type of energy in their environment and it might be for the best, to be honest. It can drive you crazy. It isn't something that the common person could ever come close to understanding. If I could learn to love that side of myself and accept it, I would be an enormously powerful and creative person. If I remain working with this entity, someday my soul will be strong. Blue eyed black wolf, face from the other side of the ice; "break the ice". My dark garden, I live in the center of its heart, the eye of the storm and so I am safe from harm. The yang within the yin, thus why it comes as a destructive energy. All destruction happens from the outside, while I am safe warm, lit in the center. As above, so below, He always does this for me. What's happening on the outside. It's only water, it's only fire, it's only Love. Blue eyed black wolf - stars and sky - 11:11 - goodnight. I will get my work done tomorrow... for sure. I hope this procrastination was worth it, it feels like I found something good.

I know about that game, I play it all the time.

No.

Green.

The part when I found my spirit guide and the part when I felt everyone as connected and Loving.

Listen, if you do this work with any depth, then yes, they are real... I am going through one right now. Let go of stages to see tests for what they are. Opportunities to Love.

I relate, but have no advice for how to fix it. You're not alone in your pain.

Yellow:83 Percent Purple:80 Percent Red:70 Percent Green:70 Percent Orange:60 Percent Blue:55 Percent I'm an instinctual, intuitive person.

I find out where my ego is and stuff, because when I'm drunk I'm not-so-great - so I take those experiences and can grow from them... but beyond that I don't see much use in it, personally. I can hardly even write when I'm drunk, so it impedes the main thing I enjoy doing. Weed is better imo.

He's probably taking a vacation. He said he takes them once or twice a year to refresh.

I have mental illness, it is hard to distinguish because the illness can mask as the same sort of awakening experience. It makes me think that if a lot of people with mental illness had someone to train them, then they would be shamans or something of the sort. A lot of people in the hospital were going through spiritual awakenings and did not know it, just like many were sick. The difference is quality of life, if you don't move forward after a period of time and your life gets worse, it is mental illness. I have an old video on the topic.

Yes it is, don't bother with it.