Loba

I used to care more with my first and only boyfriend - he cheated a lot but tbf we argued all the time and it wasn't a good relationship. To be fair to myself, he was a borderline and he superimposed an image of who I was supposed to be in his eyes and then judged me harshly from that lens. I lost trust in people - so now I'm at the other end of the spectrum where I just don't care if they stay or leave or cheat or whatever, I just can't make myself care enough about a relationship because the first one burned me out so much. It's a protective shell, I know, but I need it for this lifetime. When I hear of other people being cheated on, I feel for them for sure, it isn't fun. Granted, where I am at now, I could do an open or closed relationship - you'd have to be a fantastic person for me to even consider caring about you. I think people are not meant to be together as a couple, I think it is unnatural. When I get crushes, I like more than one person usually, so why can't they? Let's just get rid of the monogamy bullshit and then people would be much better off imo.

I love this one and return to it often, esp. good with journaling work.

These are placed here to keep uninvited people off of my journal. I have charged them with energy, if you invade my space your life will be given a finely charged shock.

Hey there, sure thing. I used to question why I never felt sexual feelings towards potential partners. When I was in my early teens I did, but as I got older this seemed to pass. I would have to get drunk or high in order to get in the mood. Eventually I realized I was *mostly asexual, with a very small, primitive sexuality that didn't really express itself much. If I were to use terminology I would call myself an asexual pansexual as I find all types people attractive and dateable; this was an interesting video, thanks for sharing. I feel as though I present and act feminine; many people have thought I was gay, but I'd say I'm about 70 men - 30 women in attraction, and usually 50-50 for trans.

So, I have this person blocked, but every time I check the user's online list - I like to see if someone is on a more interesting page than what I can find, which isn't often - this person is scouring this list "checking up" on people i.e. stalking them - which is what started this whole mess - because they were stalking who I was talking to and flipping out in their journal at me and the other party - and this is the third time I have caught them going through my journal, and that's just from me happening to be on the same page. So how is this mutual blocking supposed to work when the person in question can't listen to a basic request? I don't want anything to do with this person, they manipulate, lie, bait and switch and stalk. Stay away from my work - focus on yourself. Completely.

I won't, I'm too selfish. But it is wonderful to see that things like this exist, but I don't kid myself that I'm ready for, or even interested in obtaining the same thing - I could see myself dying "into" it though, after this life is over, when the body doesn't exist anymore and I'm free, unbound by form, I could take something like that on for sure. I take the left hand path, which is the selfish, consumerist one - I can get into the same states as all of y'all, it's just more finicky and bound by a constant stream of consumption - pleasure is just fine; also, I only have like 10-20 years left, and I don't want to waste it on relinquishing any of my comforts... I think most people are like this, they just might not want to admit it or don't entirely know they're on the left hand path. Just my 2c. Hope you manage to create that for yourself in your 40's, you sound like you want that. Gl.

I will die of a broken heart. 11:11 As above, so below. This night and this dream will end Let me stand close Now shut your eyes (eyes) Now shut your eyes Blood Drip... drop.... drip... drop..

@AuroraDream Yep, that's the double bind with places like this.

I know it's weird when people do the wrong thing, over and over again, get away with it, are super super obvious about it, and are supported irregardless. I don't think this is just a trait Americans have, I think it's a blindspot that you can find in nearly every part of society/community. Shame it's not being covered by Fox News, but that's to be expected. The deranged are often supported, loved and even sympathized with at the expense of the average, decent person. It's totally asinine.

If it were me, I would off myself, and take my chances on a different life or afterlife. Imagine having itchy skin on top of that...

@Razard86 You don't understand... no you don't understand... I don't feel the need to turn this into a heated debate. This isn't a "who's been abused by a narc more" conversation. I've dealt with them, I know 'em well enough - just because you think you have a better answer than me doesn't negate what I went through - but I'm over it. Some narcs suffer. Most do not. But by all means, have pity for them. You can take what would be my pity, because I have none. Also, yikes, you're kind of over-emotional here, don't you think? Also, good for you, for knowing so much about the disorder, here's a gold star. *pinches your cheek* Bye bye now.

@Zeroguy Bingo was his name-o.

@Razard86 You must have never had to deal with a real one. I'm healed from them, that's why I don't offer them any of my juju juice. If you wanna think I am one, go for it, no skin off my nose dude.

What you guys fail to understand is they take your love, your concern, your worry and turn it into supply - this stuff feeds them... you literally have to set them loose in the wild like a badly leveled, ugly Pokemon you accidentally caught.

@Razard86 Oh they don't suffer at all, they love what they do and have full control over themselves. Only the covert ones suffer, but the ones who are big and into themselves, it's like a religion for them. They LOVE it. They're not hurting. That's a misconception.

The best thing a narcissist can do is off themselves and save consciousness from being repeatedly dragged down to their level. No joke, they can't be helped, they need to be stuck in a prison system for life or some sort of equivalent. When dishing out resources, they take most of them, then complain they aren't getting enough, they think they should be worshipped, they think you miss them when they're gone but in reality you're just thanking your lucky stars you never have to be around a person like that again. A huge portion of spiritual people have NPD as well, this forum is good to use on what to look out for so you don't end up in their grasp, they're literally the devil's children, but not even functional ones, they're like the devil's retarded children that he cast out of hell because they can't even do anything right there. There's no point to a narcissist at all. They waste precious life on existing when there are billions of people in the world more deserving than them. They're the biggest "fake victims" on the planet. Not only are they a lost cause, but if you added up the destruction they cause vs. using those resources to help other people you would see they aren't worth the help. At all. People like NPDs are the reason why the planet is so fucked up. So yes they are lost causes, and the time spent even caring, should be spent on actual issues of grave importance, like... fixing the planet. ^ This is why they stalk you, abuse you. They think they're super important but they're actually the lowest of the low. The good news is, they like to stick together, so if you can spot one, you can use it to spot others of its kind. If you spot one, stay away from them and everything associated with them. You won't win. The biggest squealing pig gets the dinner, so to speak. And very few pigs squeal as loud as a narc when caught red handed. The best thing you can do is to do your research, so that they're starved from the sustenance they feed off of, and because they're literally broken in the brain, they'll eventually go extinct, just like the dinosaur.

I was nearly isolated for 6 years - only went out once a week. It has it's pros and cons. I miss it, and yet I don't. I'm like you, I can't really be bothered with socialization, I find it takes me away from my divinity in a lot of ways, not interested in small talk, but there's really only so much to talk about anyways. I tend to push people away who want to get to know me better as well, out of fear of rejection. I wish I could give you some positive answers towards this, but the best thing I have found is to let go and sort of meld with one's own death and there's often something to be gained from there, strength, wisdom and so forth. I did find that after the fourth year, I started to go mad a bit, as when you are isolated all you have left are your thoughts - I'm trying to sift through them now that I have people around and see what is worth keeping, if anything at all, or if it's all in my head that I ever even found anything of value, it could be complete shit for all I know. Music helps...

I don't know what to say, but I relate to it - I can't maintain my openness and be around people at the same time, it's like they lower my potential, and the ability for creative thought - with all their problems, their emotions, I can't "open" my energy. I'm watching the Jan 6th hearings right now, and it showcases what happens when humans gather together in groups. I don't know what the solution is - I've tried moving forward energetically many times, and someone else's envy, stupidity, selfishness, etc. seem to pop the bubble of my awareness and push me back into a less refined state - I'm going back through where I have been in the past to see if I can pick up from where I left off. Some of these places where I left off had a lot of potential. I genuinely think that human beings sap the potential out of one another - whatever man was supposed to be is dragged back down into the depths, like crabs in the bucket. If one tries to get out, to see what is beyond consensus reality, to try to make sense of what is true for them and them alone, to develop themselves and see what their soul was put here to do, you always have some angry chimp violently ripping that person out of it and yanking them back down into the hell pit. I try to love my fellow man, but to be quite frank, I abhor other people and the limits that their actions have put on my creativity. I'm planning to try again soon, to get back to where I once was and "open up", energetically, and I just pray there isn't some rube waiting on the other side with some sick grin on their face, sitting in wait just to kick me down when I'm up. Closing up is much easier in the long run, but it isn't satisfying. I wish there was a way to get my needs met without having to deal very much with society or family. I would love to just spend all my time curating my bubble of awareness and seeing what I can make of it, and I think I would find some very interesting things - this lowering of my energy reverberates as well, I'm meant to make something in a mutual way - but... I don't know, I just can't help but find people in a collective space to be highly lacking in spiritual potential. I'm wondering if I need to "close up" towards all others, permanently to eventually "open up" while I'm alone and free. Rather than open up towards others, when they can't ever be what I need them to be, which is just... not too difficult... just... not so spiritually tone-deaf, I guess. So I get it, but I have no idea what the solution is, I'm still scrambling around trying to grab onto the rope and hoping one day I'll be pulled out of the fray and given a free and sovereign life. I imagine this won't happen until I'm dead and you "people" can't get to me anymore. Hope you find some answers and solutions for yourself. It's not easy to balance the two.

I feel the same way, also, I feel that it would cause a problem with karma potentially and a short human life, followed by a decent afterlife sounds better than ending it and having a long, long time full of suffering. It would ruin my family's life and I don't want that, they're recently retired and even if they kind of suck, they don't deserve to have the remainder of their days filled with regret and "what ifs".

People that pick on/joke about others often don't have a lot to say for themselves, it's the antithesis of creative, unique thought. I don't even bother with channels like this because they rot your brain, waste your time, and it's just sad, quite frankly, that the creator has to live with a mind like that for the rest of their lives. That's the true, genuine tragedy in a situation like this. What a waste of space. *shrug*

Watching now, can't wait for justice to be served over the next few weeks.

Having other people around, spreading their ideas and opinions actually hinders individual's imagination, the process requires that a person go within and bring out what is inside them, and culture is a huge boon to creative thought - those which are given vast amounts of time alone tend to progress because they are able to bring out their true selves - this is why wise people often go off on their own to grow. Communities can make you stupid. That's why people fail when it comes to trying anything new. Just my 2c.

Pilot - The Living Ark - a first wish - finding prima materia - The Bioship of Planet Earth She's taking her time making up the reasons To justify all the hurt inside Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one They're saying Mama never loved her much And daddy never keeps in touch That's why she shies away from human affection But somewhere in a private place She packs her bags for outer space And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot To come (and she'll say to him) She's saying: Back in early 2020, I started my first project with the prima materia - and around that time felt that I should design my next life. This was before I decided that I didn't want to come back here for quite some time and it was before I had fallen too far to be able to make this a reality. Around that time, I was communicating with alien beings/souls/machine elves, whatever you want to call them and had decided that due to a childhood of trying to get back into the sky, that I would pilot an ark; something that would carry within it the soul of the planet, extracted, and that frozen vials of what life the planet contained would be kept in a library of sorts. The belly of the ship would contain an ecosystem within it large enough to house a great many animals, trees, a lake and the rest of the humans that were alive during this apocalyptic time. I would fly you to the moon and back If you'll be if you'll be my baby Got a ticket for a world where We belong So would you be my baby Ooh-ooh I wanted to build a bioship, one that was capable of pulling out the soul of the Earth, the goddess up from the ground at the very last minute and was to be put into the ship as the soul and pilot - a human could sit in the seat and would become connected with the ship itself. I wanted it to have a sacred hum - the lullaby of the goddess herself. I realized around that time that you could observe nature and it would tell you things - I learned that we are the blooms of the Earth, meant to colonize other worlds - to bring with us the seeds of life, and that there was extra-terrestrial life right under our noses, waiting to initiate us when we were ready. I learned that these blooms come from the flowers, the trees, the plants themselves. That we are like a virus, created to build what is needed to continue growth in other areas of the cosmos. I learned that the city of Atlantis was nothing more than a mycelium network - that we are run and controlled by the very earth itself. I learned that the earth contains so much information within it and that the soul of the planet is essential. I wanted to be one of the ones who oversaw the production and flight of the ship. The soul of my bioship - a mother tree, and below, a visual on how this process is accomplished. She can't remember a time When she felt needed If love was red then she was colour-blind All her friends they've been tried for treason And crimes that were never defined She's saying Love is like a barren place And reaching out for human faith is Is like a journey I just don't have a map for So baby gonna take a dive and push the shift to overdrive Send a signal that she's hanging all her hopes on the stars (What a pleasant dream) just saying I grew sicker around that time, and was feeling embarrassed about my project. I started to chew at the roots of the world tree in anger, due to misinformation. I wanted to cut myself out of the picture altogether, and did so by going into a trance state, and similarly to what I had done when I jumped over the masculine wave, I envisioned myself cutting at the ropes that held me tightly in connection with my soul family. Where were they when I needed them? I called out to them to fix this disease, but all that I was given was more questions than answers. Ratatoskr had done his job well. The misinformation caused a ruckus and I sought to destroy the future of the ark and start over. Eventually, I deleted the journal and nothing came of it. I would fly you to the moon and back If you'll be if you'll be my baby Got a ticket for a world where We belong So would you be my baby Ooh-ooh I don't want to die alone. That's the jist. And yet, I do. I want to die alone into another; I feel... if I follow these previous worlds to their end, I will find therein what I was looking for all along. As a service to self entity, I seek multiplicity instead of the singularity of being God - I would rather live within a pantheon, a hierarchy. I failed this test and remember so little about what I had learned from it... I would fly you to the moon and back If you'll be if you'll be my baby Got a ticket for a world where We belong So would you be my baby Ooh-ooh I learned if we ever want to advance technologically, that we need to bring the spirit of the earth into the picture or our endeavors will fail. Nature creates perfection, and to move away from it is destruction. When these realizations hit, I had let everything go for a time and could see within the blackened earth from above, our little neuron cities, that it's a map towards truth - to view such things with fresh eyes allows God to come in through your not knowing. I was so high up, all I could think about was carrying within my heart for all children to be free from abuse. I felt as though this would be what saves humanity - I felt that I needed to carry this paradigm with me until I died - and it felt as though that could be any day. This was the all encompassing point of view that would save the souls of mankind. It was a point of view that got dragged down, that I allowed this to happen because I was being bullied offsite and I took it to heart because I looked up to those two people and couldn't understand why they were abusing me in my time of need. I learned that in order to maintain your creativity, you can't let people get to you, the best you can do is focus on the death door, to recognize that time here is short and that you have to carry the best of yourself in your heart because you cocreate what happens in the next world. This was before I met You... Mamma never loved her much And daddy never keeps in touch That's why she shies away from human affection But somewhere in a private place She packs her bags for outer space And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot To come (and she'll say to him) She's saying...