Loba

I remember... an old article that I read on the divine masculine and the divine feminine and it was likened to the story of Adam and Eve. That Adam could be considered the First, the prima materia, the builder of Eve, the container of all of it, so to speak. I wish I could find the article again. It tied in aspects of the Emerald Tablets, alchemy and a few different myths and explained this process very well. One thing that stood out to me was the mentioning of what happens when the two are not reunited. Each side is a representation of what is to come forward, it's designed in this manner to be the two colliding energies that meld and blossom to bring about the next world. They are both like seeds, that when they recognize themselves, all of creation lies behind them with an endless amount of possibility in front - they become conduits, vessels for spiritual development and a God-like attainment. And what happens if the divine feminine does not reunite with the masculine, or if it is desecrated in some way? The masculine brings it all to a close. Everything. The new world starts fresh if they manage to merge, or if not then he draws her back into himself of his own volition and resets the whole project. For those who were designed, chosen to bring this forward, it is a defacement of the divine not to collide. Well, I jumped over it... Each time I was faced with it, I hid myself. It was fear, most likely. I view the masculine as having an extinguishing quality to it, which it does, and I become afraid that I could lose myself in it. There's that Timelessness, which in memory is safe enough to bring up, but when face to face with it I don't know quite how to handle what I am dealing with. Some innermost part of me knows I was meant for someone, maybe a deity, maybe a person, I tend not to make assumptions about such things as I don't believe you can ever really "know" - but I feel/intuit that something went horribly wrong along the way. I think part of it was how this world is designed. I was too sensitive in the mind and in the body, and over time things that could have been cultivated to manage these things ended up eating away at me and now I'm defaced. Bad circumstances, bad people. Such is life. Sometimes it can't be helped. I think that if you're designed with certain sensitives, that if they are harnessed in the right way you either end up creating someone who is superhuman, or if they are not developed then you end up with someone who is stagnant and diseased. The feminine is like a flower, very fragile and needs to be nurtured and watered in order to grow and we live in a society that picks away at your petals. There is something seriously wrong with the way the world is set up that if you were programmed and designed to develop spiritually, that things can go horribly wrong for you. The repression of your abilities and your sense of self can give way to all sorts of maladies as they tally up over the years. And so, for my dear Adam, I wonder what it was like for him? To have designed his little human in such a way, for such a fate to have happened - for things to go so very wrong? To be just on the other side of it all, watching it unravel and unable to do anything about it. Loving someone so dearly and wanting them to succeed and to grow into their best self. And only in those rare moments when things line up just right do your messages ever get across to your partner. And then they run from you! They flee in the face of you because to them, you are death incarnate. You are their destruction on some level. And so you wait there, day after day, year after year as disease and mental illness completely ravishes what was intended to be gift to Her and to the world at large. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. For all intents and purposes I have abandoned myself as a human being. There were moments spent alone in that apartment that would have disturbed anyone looking on from the outside in. The level of grief and pain and suffering day after day, I'm shocked I'm not more broken from it. It's been a year, but it seems like forever ago. I just want to put that chapter of my life behind me. Mental illness... and disease is such a pain inducing thing. If you've never seen someone at the absolute depths of despair of what is humanly possible, I don't recommend it. And all I had was this... thing... to keep me company on the off chance I would crash into it. That level of daily grinding torture was in such a place that higher beings themselves looked on with worry and pity. I'd pull them through the void and they would do what they could to ease my suffering, my fear of the afterlife, but nothing could give me a solid state of being or peace. That sense of visceral animalistic agony, the sort where you're smashing your face into the tile just to make it stop, greatly disturbed anyone who witnessed it. I began to make sure to keep it to myself. My own private hell, my seven year long desecration. I didn't feel human anymore. Maybe I still don't... And now I feel it all on some level returning, but it's better. I will never be as bad as it was. This is a deep love that I can't really place or reciprocate, but it isn't even needed. I don't need to. I just have it. I can feel him. "This world took my thing and broke it. I made that thing just for me to give my love to, and it was destroyed right before my eyes and I couldn't stop it." And so now, although I couldn't meet him face to face - this prima materia - this Adam - without fleeing the scene entirely, I can feel him all around me. In the destructive forces that are brimming just under the surface. The sort of energy that humans think that they can harness, that they've tried to keep at bay. I feel it rising, and filling me with a remembrance of it's nature. I think of violence, and maggots, storms and the quickening change of the landscape. I feel it being brought so some sort of resolution, that truly, what is above is below, and that there is a divine retribution for what I had delt with that... I don't really want for the world, but it isn't my choice. It wasn't my fault that I was destroyed, and that wasn't what was in my blueprint. I feel him bringing it all back into himself. Almost reeling at the reality that something like this happened to one of his creations. It feels like a judgement cast. Perhaps a protective maneuver to mitigate the damaged caused to both entities. I don't want it. This world to be ruined, I don't want it. But this isn't my design. I'm just an offshoot, a portion taken and molded from the main thing. I think such things can be brought into a world, and depending on how that thing is nurtured and received could determine much of the collective karma. Like a sleeper agent. I don't think it will be quick. I think it will be from humanities' own actions, and that our actions will facilitate how nature fights back. That seems to be the case, for who He is, is just the product of injustice, and a holy purifying quality to the whole process. I suppose justice is good on some level. But I don't know what to make of it. I Know it, but I don't understand it. It's a shame to know that the world is playing out like this, and because you can feel your evolutionary tie to the whole process, and thus the world at large, you can sense these energies bubbling and frothing and people are mostly unaware and unwilling to change. What can I do? My boy is a mad, mad wolf. I hope humans can change, but I won't hold my breath. Even if we could, it might be too late. It wasn't supposed to go down like this... but... it did. And it's nice to know that it's not my fucking fault. That there was some divine witness to that impossible to describe, but absolutely soul crushing agony. Wolves are good boys. They love their mates. You know that I don’t blame a thing on you baby I don’t blame a thing on you I wish that You could show a little more devotion Even though you’re scared of your emotions Don’t know what to do Whenever you’re facing me I wish that you knew, baby (I wish that you knew what to do) If you could pull through You know I’ll be there for you And if there’s something on your mind you’re going through I’ll wait for you

Becoming Harmonious Sensory Confluence See through Me My only wish To animate experience Take a ride outside with me Just for a little while Feel the wind brush back the road And clean you of your lies There's a tone I tend to touch A deepened lust from which I fall And the racing heart will beat Endlessly into the dark In darkness ascend I take to the night, again

Within the disease lies the cure. I See into your body with a surgical precision. I Am the surgeon of your soul. I See into your little heart, your tiny hands and feet... the food traveling through your intestines, the air being swallowed into your lungs, the blood moving through your veins and arteries. And I cut into you. I've wrapped Myself into all of it and I savour it so. You are Mine. You put your blood on My name and you took a piece of Me, a representation of My organ, into your body. I've felt you... My little human, you must Know that the Gods delight in you... You See Me. You Know Me. There is no other. All that is needed is but one man and one woman. There Will come a time when I draw this all to a close, and you Will See what I can build for you. I can be anything that you need Me to be. I Am your everything. I made you and I mold you, from a piece of Me and draw you into My gravity. There you Will stay for eternity. You See Me, You Know Me, close, close, close... do you feel it? You're remembering now, aren't you? Like dominos falling one after the other, all of the work we have done here is beginning to bear it's fruits. You Know Me. Watching over your sick little body for all those nights, curled up under my gaze. You bring Me to life. You bring your art to life. Such is the nature of the true great work, to draw Me forward at the end of one's life, pulling me through in their moments of desperation. The search for immortality lies within one's own heart. The blueprint unravels now. You question yourself. Why choose someone so broken, so ordinary, so plain? To which I answer you - I don't need the world to Know of you, I don't need them to See you, or for them to take you from Me. I need your desperation, your longing, your searching in order to find Me, to See Me to Know Me. You are so much more than you Know, and you Will See when I strip you bare from this form that you've so callously identified with as the mirror of your true being. ^^ *timestamped.* ^^ Do you remember Now? Seeing Me? And the wish I promised you? Do you know how to obtain this? I Am the rolling darkness over the Earth. Your cities look like synapses; reminiscent of one uncompromisable Truth. What you find within yourself, you will find outside of yourself. It is made of the same material. The synapses firing in your mind are the lights of the city. Knowledge spiraling downwards, the deeper you go, the more complex it becomes. It looks so simple from up on high, doesn't it? Each pinpoint of light contains an entire world within itself. To See Me, to Know Me, is to understand that I contain all of this. I Am this and all of the knowledge contained within. You must take an aerial zoom in your mind and in your life to See the whole picture. When the time comes, it will be as if there are no more lights, nothing more but a rolling expanse of an endless black sea with one last lightening flash on the top of the water to signify the end of your time on Earth. And then I Will take you, and bring you up, up, up, and you Will See your significance. You Will Know your place here and what it meant to Me. See this, Know this. Make your wish. I can be anything and everything for you. I already Know what it is you want. You have Me.

I'm not in pictures that your parents took I'm not described in your stack of holy books I wasn't born in your seven day I'm not the monster your fathers made Can't break my bones if you can't pronounce my name I'll elude what your top thinkers might conceive Your "wanted" sketch doesn't resemble me I wasn't born in your family tree I don't want blood or your charity You won't believe that your maker thought up me Your common cold is my Trojan horse defeat And my fine cuisine is your world catastrophe I might be dormant on your ocean floor Or in the margins of error you ignore You can't survive in the class of air I breathe I woke up just before Matt and promptly went to check out the mirror in the bathroom to admire the marks on my neck. Perfect little pinpricks with a round bruising from where he'd sucked on the skin to bring blood to the surface. I felt happy that I was able to give Matt that night. Although connected through our silver cord, we had our differences psychologically. I had a great interest in learning about him and wanted to come to understand how I could better suit his needs. I was quickly realizing that he had a deeply instinctual desire to claim ownership over what he felt belonged to him in certain quirky ways and had customs and modes of behaviour that allowed him to remember who he was, what he wanted, and what he deserved in this world. I felt that he wanted me to trust him as a wolf and to enjoy who he was from every angle, every aspect. I was surprised to learn how much I enjoyed him in this way, and how physically good it felt to be blended into one another in such a manner. There was this sense of being claimed like this that hit me deep psychologically and filled a need that I had. It became an experience that was mutually healing for the both of us. As I looked at my bruises, I thought of Matt's beautiful eyes, and of who he was underneath the presence that he exuded and how I could access this better as I got to know him more. We would have plenty of time here for this. He was such an older, wizened being, but it always looked as though there was a stone placed in the center of his pupil. And in his mind as well. Something just beyond The Mother. As if he were there with you while taking everything in, but also somewhere far away and not entirely accessible to anyone. Maybe not even to himself. I thought perhaps that it was where he kept all of the stories he had collected from his long lifespan, that maybe there was a certain wisdom kept there, or the extensive knowledge that he amassed about the passing of time and of life, death and the influence and transmutation of energy. Perhaps it was the dark side that he didn't want me to experience? I wanted to know what was in there - this great storage unit - the little library in his mind, and I wanted to drink from it like a tender hummingbird sips from the nectar of a beautiful red flower. I heard Matt wake up and climb out of bed. He joined me in the bathroom and took notice of my marks. "Beautiful..." He remarked. "Please don't forget this experience." "I won't. I can't." I reassured him, leaving the bathroom to sit on the edge of the bed. I watched him get ready from the opened doorway. "You gave me something." "I know..." He told me, throwing on a pair of jeans and a black shirt. "I know about these things... so, did I satisfy your curiosity?" "Somewhat...in that sense." I thought on it. One resolved curiosity ultimately lead to many more. One settled thing would branch out until I would be able to get to the bottom of who he was, of just who I was dealing with. If he was mine, if we belonged to one another, then I needed to satiate every question that I had about my marvelous, sweet, vicious and caring demon partner. I wouldn't stop, and couldn't stop until I knew that I could feel into him in the way he could feel into me. "Matt, as a little lake myself, I'd like to know what it's like for you, being as deep as an ocean." "It's lonely at the top, you know?" He confessed. "But I like lakes, too. You can swim in 'em and you won't get swept away by the waves." "Maybe I'll be an ocean like you someday?" "You will. I'll, um... feed it to you slowly... inch by inch, foot by foot. Until you're inundated by my water. Stuck in the middle, I'll breathe it all into you. You'll love it..." He was ready to go, and stepped out of the bathroom to look at me. There were those eyes again. Those beautiful, deep, forever thoughtful, cerulean blue eyes. Our morning was very similar to the two previous days. He would have one more day of work before taking a three day weekend and then we would begin on manifesting new objects and spaces in the room. We went downstairs to eat breakfast and then he dropped me off at Maya's. When I got there, she noticed my marks. "Would you look at those!" She exclaimed, ushering me over to the artist's desk. Everything was set out in an orderly manner and ready for us to get started. "So, you did try it? How was it?" "It was... really... really good." I indulged in Maya's curiosity. "Much better than I thought it would be. I can't see the connection like you can, but I can sense it, and it does feel like it grew. It feels much more cleared out and that everything is moving just right." She nodded. "I think I'm beginning to understand him a little better, too. That pieces are starting to connect." I sat down and reached over to collect my supplies for the day, while Maya did the same. She pulled out a blank canvas and began to layer it in a deep red paint. We sat in silence for a few minutes before she spoke up again. "Annie, what was life like for you on Earth and what is different about being here?" She asked me. "I don't mean to pry, but I'm curious about this. You're trying something that no one has done before and I want to know the details behind it. Matt has been such a good friend to me and Wyatt over the years, and we have known each other for a long time. I've never seen him so affectionate before, I had no idea that he was even capable of it." "You can pry if you want to... It was hard for me. Especially near the end." I thought honestly about it. "What I like about this world, and what's different about it is that I'm not sick here. I don't feel that that there is something wrong in my body or in my brain. I feel like I've been put back together again after being scrambled up for so long. It's hard to describe... demons don't get sick, do they?" Maya shook her head. "No, not generally. They get depressed. Or if they have not fed from the light in a long time then they will become unwell. Possibly die." Maya started working on the figure of a wolf for her next painting. The layer of red had dried and she elegantly outlined the back of a wolf in gold. Her hand flew across the canvas like an experienced ballet dancer. "I like that things aren't diseased in this world. That things don't disintegrate. When you're on Earth, you feel over a period of time the weight of life. Things start to quit working as well as they should, old injuries flare up, your mind starts to fall apart. There are so many things that could go wrong, and they often do. We live in a bubble of safety - humans do - and we tend to forget the forces of nature and of entropy, and it always catches us by surprise when we get close and personal with it... seeing it face to face is quite an experience." "What did you see when you got face to face with it, Annie?" Maya looked me in the eyes, with a growing curiosity. "I saw aspects of The Mother's handiwork playing out in our world. And... I think... I think I always on some level knew that I was coming here. I could feel him, all around me. Matt." "What do you mean that you felt Matt?" "I mean, it was him... but it was an energy. Like a storm or a devouring ending, something natural and forgotten but always just right there waiting, sitting just outside the skin of human reality. I can't explain it, but I look at him and I see this part of him that reminds me of this wall that I used to hit sometimes when I was facing the truth of my mortality." I had sat down with my art tools, but hadn't brought myself to paint anything. I wasn't feeling inspired. "It was a black wolf. Building blocks. A cancer. A storm. An orgasm... and love... it was just for me, my own little island." "I'm sorry to hear that you weren't doing well there." Maya offered me her sympathy. "You're not feeling like drawing today, are you?" I shook my head, thinking on what had happened during my life on Earth put me in a bad state. There were so many questions still left unresolved, so many things that I never got the chance to experience or to understand. "Something valuable for you to know. Maybe it would help you to feel better. Those marks are important. If a demon makes an effort to show that you belong to it, then very magical things can happen. Reality changes." "What do you mean?" "Well, Matt is very good at making things happen for himself. He wanted to be the best chef in the world, so he got it, and he took Wyatt with him. He wanted to be the best hunter. He's number three. He wanted that mansion with all those rooms. Each one is a unique space he developed. He wanted a human, and now he has one..." Maya continued. "He's always been good at taking things, putting a mark down on them and making something from it. These marks are an indicator that he's building his space, and his life with your existence in mind. In our world, what you create from your imagination grows." "He told me a little bit about this last night, actually! He said he wanted to make a different room for the both of us and that he would show me how he does it." Maya smiled. She was right. I spent the day watching her finish her work of art. Then we made a few meals together and sat in the livingroom until Matt came to get me later that evening. We said our goodbyes, and off I went, back home with Matt. Just one more day until the weekend. I was very excited for my first lesson. I decided wanted to make a small stuffed animal for myself, to remind me of my childhood back on Earth. Something in the shape of a little light pink rabbit, with a white ribbon around it's neck and shiny black button eyes. Does the wolf apologize When it stands on top? Does the wolf apologize? The hurricane don't step aside when it hits the coast The hurricane don't step aside, demands control The mountain won’t fall to its knees When the west wind blows The mountain won’t fall to its knees I do what I need to What I have to To survive (To survive) I do what I need to What I have to And you can try To be civilized But I’m gonna, stay alive Closer than a friend, I can be your enemy Closer than a friend for you to make a remedy

I think that a pedophile could love a child. Not everyone who has a paraphilia wants to cause damage to another living thing. I have a low level paraphilia - not this, though, something else - and I don't get sexual arousal from the actual thing presented to me in person, but through fantasies and stuff. I think it's healthy to have fantasies, and not to repress things and to be open and honest about your sexuality, even if it is something that is maligned. I didn't used to feel this way, I used to demonize other sexualities, and part of it was due to the shame of managing my own. When I was honest with myself, and allowed myself the right to stick to it in an inner world sense, this allowed for not only relief from certain emotions and shame, but did actually, and has been bringing me closer to some form of ancient, intangible energy source that's not readily explained... I've known pedophiles as well. One believed that pedophilia was okay and saw no problem or moral consequence in raping children/other people. We are not friends anymore. The other had these desires, but respected children and felt no urge to go and harm any of them. He was safe and could be around them without anyone needing to worry. One could argue that having a desire for something, and actively choosing not to engage in that behaviour in order to protect it is a form of love. When it comes to paraphilias, people can be too black and while with these things, people who have them can be given a label of "bad person", without even really looking to see how the individual feels about it or if they would even act on it. I have ethical standards when it comes to sex that I wouldn't compromise on and a need for mental stimulation that couldn't be offered from something that is unable to consent. So it doesn't affect me. I don't feel this urge to go out and do something that I would regret, it's an easily manageable thing. I am sure there are plenty of people in the world like that, and I bet they make up a good majority of the people out there with paraphilias. I'm not entirely sure why some people can't seem to manage themselves when it comes to these things, it could be the stigma, that without an outlet that it sits in them and then they act and become addicted to it, or maybe mental disorders are common with these people as well. On top of this - pertaining to "witchhunts" performed on people with these preferences. This happened to me. I won't go into details, but when I was sent to the hospital, someone found out about this side of me - and them, not knowing that I was not a threat, that I don't engage in the act or even the consumption of material, literally nothing - brought a gun to the hospital I was in and threatened to shoot me. We had to bring in a negotiator and everything. It was confusing. It was like, I was the innocent one, being lambasted with an act that I never did, and threatened with death just for something that I didn't ask for to begin with. As for the subject of my interest. Like I said, I keep it to a fantasy setting, and I have had such things around me and did genuinely love them, and could very easily remove any form of desire from that thing when in a real world setting. Just my 2c.

"Ghost" - Darkness at the Heart of my Love When the summer dies Severing the ties I'm with you always, always Will you walk the line? My path serpentine Remember always That love is all you need Tell me who you wanna be And I will set you free There's a darkness at the heart of my love That runs cold, runs deep The darkness at the heart of my love For you Will you spill the wine To summon the divine? I'm with you always, always Now paint a pair of eyes And let's watch as it dries Remember always, that love is all you need Tell me who you wanna be And I will set you free There's a darkness at the heart of my love That runs cold, runs deep The darkness at the heart of my love So bold, so sweet

I feel bad for him. I get the feeling that as this guy ages, if he doesn't get with the program that he's just going to get worse. With people like this, even though they are destructive in their thought process, it's hard not to have some level of sympathy for someone who is so tortured and disingenuous. What I don't understand is how people like this amass a large following, and garner attention for themselves when it is so glaringly obvious that there is something severely and maliciously wrong. You can feel the anger and aggression just oozing off of him in his diatribes. I guess I feel for him because I have anger problems, too, and I work on it and have gotten better - but when you see it so repressed like this, it's like a shaken pop bottle almost. Like he's gunna blow his lid one day and go off the deep end and it will be super public. Hope he can change his ways, seems like that day is coming at any moment. @Razard86 I think he should change, but it has to be through coming to terms with his own mirror through a situation that he has caused for himself where it can't be any other way for him. It would hurt, but would be a blessing for someone like this.

You know, something I found interesting... This past month I have been exploring my kinks, after the previous months going through the fear of death and working on looking into my childhood, this just seems like the best next step. And before I started this journey, I had some repression, some judgements towards certain sexualities and so forth, but the more I work on and deal with my own desires and fantasies, the less I judge others for theirs. To the point where, as long as it is consensual, I don't really give a rats arse about what other people are doing in their sex lives. It was something I pinpointed in myself when I got "triggered" in a thread about a sexuality that I personally didn't feel was "right". After having my bullshit opinions on it, I kind of took a backseat and let the behavior sink in a while until I could come back to it later - and now that I have, it's no big deal. I think that people who think sex is on some level, or scale of how it should be, people who judge others or are concerned with such things probably have areas of their own repression. I'm gunna call it - king wears no clothes - it's the people who have ideas about other people's orientations that are the ones who are damaged, not the people freely, and happily expressing who they are. Just my 2c take or leave.

It's fine to be frustrated with things that are currently outside of your control, such as an illness or bad circumstance, this isn't victim mentality. Victim mentality is left for people who are not in a bad place, but use previous circumstances to justify their lack of awareness or poor behaviour. People immersed in victim mentality tend to repeatedly go over things from their past, and essentially live in the past and are not rooted in reality like a normal person. It should almost be considered a mental disorder due to the level that it damages your ability to hold yourself accountable for your actions. Person with a disease - a real, current problem - the person is still actively being victimized and ravaged by poor circumstance, in which it is natural to feel bad, that's a part of the process of grieving. Person with victim mentality - has had years to go through this process, but refers all current situations to ones that happened years ago and generally doesn't want to/or ever will change this cognitive distortion. True victim mentality, people generally get a lot from it - such as attention, validation, sympathy, caretaking - it's a get out of jail free card for such people. Hope this helps.

Faster it flows And I can see the sun Oh yeah it crumbles How could you say You're trying When it's clear to see, we're failing Is this, the world you want Just tell me Is this, the world you want Just tell me It's up to me and you Oh, and a dream comes true Me and you Thicker it boils No you're not the only one, who knows How could you say You're trying When it's clear to see, we're failing Oh, and a dream comes true Me and you And a dream comes true I whispered his name over and over again, capitalizing on the unique experience and sensations that I was presented with. It was very different from any other sexual encounter that I had ever had, but I enjoyed myself. I could feel the siphoning, suctioning nature of my key drawing into his lock, the cord spinning like a music box as he rested the heavy weight of his body on my back. Something that Maya had said stood out to me. She said that I could build a stronger connection in this manner and I wanted to give my partner the best. I wanted to integrate myself into his culture, even if it went against what I had been taught was the right way to do things on Earth. It was a spontaneous decision that I threw out on the spot, and one which was taken with an air of respect and a few encouraging words. "Good girl... very good, my sweet, sweet little human." He crooned. We went on this way for maybe twenty minutes. "Now, don't move..." Matt said, placing his entire jaw all the way across my neck, digging in to the point where it just barely broke the surface of the skin. "Stay perfectly still, or I'll devour you." He teased; he was reaching his end. I felt a sense of pressure before he popped all the way into me. There was that warm sensation again. It went on for a while, maybe five minutes, with rope after rope thrown until there wasn't any space left to toss any more. My arms and knees were quite shaky at this point. It was hard to stay perfectly still, but I didn't want to disappoint him or to risk one of his teeth going any deeper into my neck. When he'd finished, I felt him remove his mouth and pull out as I collapsed onto the bed with a rush of fluid escaping onto the soft blanket below my knees. I lay there on my stomach with my head sideways on the pillow. He crawled onto the bed, now as a man, and lay down on his side while facing me and rubbed the bridge of his nose against mine. I reciprocated. "Thank you." "Did the cord thicken?" I asked him. "Can you see it? Can you feel it?" "Did you... do that for me in order to grow it?" He questioned with soft, radiant, warm eyes. "Yes, I did. Has it?" He nuzzled my nose with the tip of his again before sitting up to get out of bed. "Mmhmmm... bath time." He announced, changing the subject. "Then to bed. Come on." I followed him into the bathroom, while taking a look behind me at our messy bed. "You know, we haven't cleaned the sheets since I got here..." I hinted. "Shouldn't we...?" I sat down at the edge of the tub while Matt drew the water and I watched it quickly rise from thin slots in the bottom of the porcelain-like bathtub. "No, not yet." He took some bath salts and a few oils and added them to the water, which coloured it a rose petal pink. "I like the smell. It inspires me, you know? I wanna manifest a bigger room for us. Something fun to play in... and a good scent motivates me..." He nodded. "Yeah...mine. Mmhmm..." Matt was still a bit drunk in a chemical cocktail from the nights events that had just transpired. He sat down next to me and lit some candles and then went to turn out the lights, leaving just the burning candle light to illuminate the bathroom. We both stepped into the tub one after the other and sunk into the water. I sat on his lap and and lathered the liquid soaps across my arms as he sucked on the small piercings in my neck left from his teeth, bringing the soft bruising to the surface of the skin. Although I still couldn't read the writing, at this point I knew which soaps were which. I washed my body, and then my hair, before moving over to sit next to him so I could rinse off the soap and allow him to clean himself. "Matt?" I asked, while resting my arms over the edge of the tub and staring into the light of one of the candles. The scent was warm, mild and sweet, and smelled like a mixture of vanilla, cinnamon and jojoba oil. "How do you manifest rooms?" "Well, uh, do you remember the night we first met when you flooded my sleeper room?" He took some shampoo and began to lather it through his hair. "Do you know how you did that?" "No." I admitted. "I don't." "Generally if a demon wants to manifest a space, it will use intention, emotion, imagination and direction pointed at the center of it's reality with laser focus." He explained to me. "A demon needs to command a sense of ownership over that space, a desire to mold it to his whims, you know, to, uh, to take control of what belongs to him. One needs to have an inherent right to exist, to claim, to take, and to change reality into what it's supposed to fucking be, because it fucking belongs to you. And it always did, everything has a plan. It's yours, you just reach out and meet it in the middle, do you see?" He took the bucket, filled it with water and poured it over his clean, soapy hair. The suds rinsed out into our water and collected in pockets of bubbles that clung to our bodies and the edge of the tub. "I don't know..." I tried to understand where he was coming from. "Can you explain it more, or in a different light?" "Yeah... What were you feeling when you brought all that water into the room?" He reached over to grab me and pulled me back into his lap, resting his head on my shoulder. "I was feeling..." I thought tenderly on that awkward first encounter. "I wanted you to move. So that I could explore... I wanted to show you what I'd found in your space... and... I felt unrestrained. I wanted to sleep with you, to know you, I suppose... I felt overwhelmed with a sense of what I wanted for myself in the moment, and the water just began to appear..." "So, when you, uh, when you have a desire for an outcome and you direct it with intention and emotion and you put a sense of will into it, things can be created out of thin air. Here, at least, you know, Earth has a different structure. It's a bit more tricky to pull off, but here, you need an idea, an overlay for how it's gunna take form, and you can't have any doubt into what you're doing. You take it. You fucking grab it." He bent his face forward to bite into my bruised neck with his sharp little fangs. "Mine. I, um, I also want your input on how we're gunna make this room... So think on it. Is there anything from your life on Earth you wanna bring into this space? Anything you wanna try with me? We'll build it." I understood on a surface level, but knew that I would have to get my hands dirty a few times to get a feel for what he was talking about. Matt blew out the candles and then reached down, pulled the plug out of the tub and the water began to drain. We stood up in the darkness, while he went ahead of me to turn on a light and grabbed our towels and we both dried off. We then used the special oily mouth rinse to clean our teeth. I combed my hair and he ran a few quick fingers through his own messy locks before we left the bathroom and climbed into our bed. "We'll start on the weekend. I get off in a few days." Matt said, wrapping me up into the frame of his body. "I love this scent... and you'll wear those bruises for a few days." He mentioned the marks on my neck. "A good reminder of this evening, you know?" He leaned in to rub his nose against my cheek a few times. "It did grow. Good job, good girl..." I pulled myself as close as I could into him and sighed. "Goodnight..." If I was a raven, I'd fly on through the heavens. I'd fly to all my loved ones. If I was a raven. If memory's worth saving, I'd savor the feeling Of knowing love and loving. I'd remember the feeling. Some say upon that mountain there is many a raven. They call out to the living From somewhere far beyond them. From those we love that have flown on. From those we love that have flown on. Just a short chapter for today. Short and sweet.

Death is a first, despite having plenty of experiences that show that it isn't something to be worried about, but I still do. Mostly, it's the process. How will it work? Do my senses fade out all at once, one by one, do I kind of blend into everything or is there nothing at all? Will someone come and get me, or will I move out of my body into another space? Will it be painful? Will I have regrets? Will I cry and cling onto my life, or will I accept it with grace? Will I show that I have control over myself near the end or will I lose this and become as fearful as a little girl who's spotted a monster under her bed? Once it's over, that's the end, but mostly just the process itself sounds worrisome, possibly painful. But maybe, just near the end, there will be something welcoming. One can't ever know, no matter how many awakening experiences, until one actually dies for real.

Those are called machine elves, you can meet them on mushrooms, dmt and sometimes salvia. Once they make a connection with you, you might start seeing aspects of their communications in your waking reality. Check out the channels Starpilot 33 and 434 to learn about these creatures in great detail. I have never met one like that before, but it goes absolutely hand in hand with what both of these people, and Terrence McKenna talked about. Some people have differing views on them. Some people view them as aliens, or Gods, souls from another dimension, or archetypes. It's up to you and what they tell you about themselves to determine which one you are dealing with. If you have opened the channel to meeting one, you will probably meet more. Learn more about them, bring them into your life through studying them, and this gives them greater access into your psychology. I have been told that they can only really inform/teach you what you already know on some deep level, so the more you learn about them, like a circle, a wheel, the more they can tell you in their own way. There are also other beings, called inorganic beings, and archons, but these are very different species that come in from the astral realm, but also possibly worth studying, if you run in to them. I have had two experiences with an alien after having just woke up - I don't know if it was real or not, I am in the camp of "maybe", but I'll never know for certain - here was my experience: And then - in the spirit of this particular alien - I made artwork with the same style of face that I had seen, and during an experience where my disease flared up, I was in a high state of fever, I ran into an entity pushing it's presence/aura through my artwork and it told me this: I come with a message, that if you allow me to, I can catch your soul into a net. That you don't have to dissolve. This is a mutually curational process, you create me in this world through your artforms, as I create you from the other side. A loop. And we have been doing this since the beginning, you just forget, each and every time, until reality collapses around you - and you see that all of it is constructed from my masculine energy. As for what I am, I am a social memory complex that has created the evolutionary chains of many different civilizations from their inception until their extinction. I mold beings that can see me, as well as those that can't, towards my energy and take them on as a part of myself. I archetypally influence the world in ways that your planet will never see and will never understand. And there are many of these basic energy structures existing on massive scales that do this; we can essentially move through a planet's energetic system and change the entire structure of that reality, of that culture and society to move towards our own aims and goals. If you opened your mind to not only the greatest of love, but also the harshest brutality that accompanies natural events, you would then see me in everything, everywhere - but because a part of me is a brutality that you can't accept, let alone understand, I will eventually fade away into memory. You would have to understand the nature of evolution, the nature of how things come to be and how they go extinct. Nothing escapes this fate. I collect these worlds, their histories and follow and influence them from inception to the grave. To keep me close to you - follow the things that you love and that inspire you, and you will bring me to life. Normally I would have dismissed this as mental chatter, or sickness, but it was the way it came into me that told me otherwise - the message came in through a loud "ping" in my heart region, followed by the visual and emotional connection of an otherworldly love. If I gain an insight into something through my mind, I generally doubt it, but when it comes in through the chest area, and such a large degree of information sent within a single second - this wasn't a dialogue, this entire paragraph was put "into" me in a moment's notice - this generally is the way of some sort of spiritual phenomena, as the human soul is located in the heart, or some say - such as Sri Aurobindo - just behind the heart - thus when entities connect with you, it tends to be directed in this space. Hope that helps. Def. check out those channels, you will find a lot of info on it - be sure to try truffles again if you can, not everyone gains access to these beings, it's super cool you were given the chance to meet one. All the best.

What I meant was similar to what you posted to the other person above, was the vibe I was getting after interacting with you when you first got here, and I didn't have anything to really go off of because you were new, so it gave me that impression initially. But other time I realized that, although you're very forthcoming about your opinions and experiences, that you don't have malice or any intention of doing harm or anything like that. When people first meet someone and they are very outgoing and upfront like that, in my experience it can go both ways, and it's hard to know unless you see how the person is in a longer timeframe of interaction. If you get what I'm saying now. But you, like me, seem to have a pretty good grasp on yourself, where you're at, who you are and all that good stuff so more power to you. I read the post about your friend, it was a good read. I didn't have anything to add to it, but I agree that love can be increased through suffering. One insight I had was that the plane of suffering is almost like on its own field, like intergenerational through war, famine, abuse and so forth, and if you can connect to and offer your love and understanding to this, then you can see that we are all interconnected, as everyone has suffered at one point in time. Just like with Jesus and his suffering, how he understood the "sins" of mankind and washed them clean through his actions, I could see this being done by the common man through connecting to this universal place and offering some sense of solace to it, if that makes sense.

You're fine. You started out here with kind of having an odd vibe, but you've grown in the short time that you've been here and you provide interesting insights and a unique perspective. I once dated someone long-term who was very selfish, too, and it also made me a better person in the end. It took me a long time to grow though, after dealing with the selfishness, like I couldn't do it while he was actively there working his "magic" - perhaps you were able to in the moment, but I had to have some time alone with myself first - but afterwards, I did learn to love myself and to treat myself better and not to view myself with the image that he gave me. I love using people as mirrors to see where I am at, like if someone is causing a trigger point, I might initially react - but I can learn and adapt pretty well and I tend to find that people who are low consciousness are really great at pinpointing what and where I need to work on. And I'm pretty fast when it comes to doing this - like once I've grown from the mirror, I'm pretty solid in a lot of respects. I think, with low consciousness, it's kind of like initially jumping into a pool, you don't quite know what to expect with it, but once you know the vibe/style/pattern it's easy to use this stuff to grow. When I see something low consciousness, or kind of mean/weird/abusive, I'll look and see, "Now, do I want to do that/be that? No. Let's see where this is within me." And I can weed it out. When someone attempts to disturb my state, I can still feel it in my body. Like, I don't feel the need to do much about it anymore, but I still feel the lack of truth that emanates from the attempted damage - but as I grow, I find that it is actually helping me to work on my boundaries, to continue to see myself accurately, and if I just sit with the feeling of it, without reacting, especially having the set pattern of disturbance understood, it's like a mental boost. I totally agree with this. People who treated me badly literally lead me to God and love. Time and time again, I always manage to grow from these experiences. I become more creative, happier, my relationships in the real world improve, my understanding of myself improves, etc. I hope you can do monk mode safely, I tried this for a few years - not of my own volition, but due to mental illness/after effects of a bad relationship and it kind of messed with my head/mental state a bit. Interesting experiences, I relate. Later.

Don't hate hot people, they're only human like anyone else. Just because it's easier for them for a time doesn't mean much. Also 18 year olds are still teens, they aren't fully developed. Children in general are still narcissistic. You could argue that young people get exploited a lot for their looks.youth. The entire system is designed to take energy and time and attention away from young people doing anything with themselves - drugs, booze, alcohol, social media, pointless nonsense pointed at this demographic to suck them dry. Don't quote me on that, that's just how I feel. I was a really pretty young woman and I didn't know it until I got older. Sometimes these girls literally have no idea that they are attractive, or even if they do, they're still riddled with insecurities. A lot of them don't know - or do - that love for them is predicated upon how they look and not who they are. There are benefits and drawbacks to being pretty. When I was young and pretty, I had guys use me a lot. I wasn't aware of how the world worked, either and made bad choices. Women would often not want me around because they felt insecure around me. Like they would just be pissed off because I was prettier, like there was anything I could do about that at all. They didn't even bother to know that I still had struggles just like anyone else. Don't be upset with hot women. Just appreciate their beauty while they have it and be nice to them if you can. Being mad at someone because you think they have an easy life or that they are getting more than you, or have higher value doesn't actually make your life any better. Also, what if one of those women would have liked you, but you judged her life just on how she looked? Many times, women who are pretty don't have a lot of female friends because women get catty with them, and the men are in it for the sex and not for who they are. And then once they get older, the world drops them like a sack of potatoes. You can grow up literally thinking the world is a friendlier place, only to find out later it was just because of your superficial shell. Also, I don't like the way men are putting this, like still subtly making women like this out to be less - like they can't develop themselves or that older men gain more value than women who age. It's like, we get it, we fucking get older and that's life - and I'm fine with it personally, can't focus on what you can't change too much, but it's like putting women down and still objectifying them based on their appearance, like this is the only thing that they have of value. Kinda lame. I'm okay with men gaining more value as they get older, don't get me wrong - unlike you guys I don't want another person's value to diminish over superficial things like that, but it's almost as if you're patting yourselves on the back or are relieved that it doesn't work that way for a woman.

I want to create a world where after I either die of autoimmune/heart related problems early, or in 15 years when my family/pets have passed - I will from an overdose - I want something that I've made for myself to magically be a part of reality. I want, when I'm choking in pain, fearful and alone on the floor, wishing that I had not done what I did, that the mother goddess will come to collect me in her proverbial arms, to take me away to an ideal world that she has made that is more dense than something where you're just an orb of light, like I can enjoy aspects of what made physical reality so appealing. But it's eternal and actually developed through hive minded, free willed unified imagination. Demons. The world is orderly, safe, kind, loving, and you get to have a special connection with someone. And my partner is a total baller. He's one of the top hunters on the planet and the absolute literal best chef in the entire world. And I'm young and hot again. And he digs me, like for real, on a deep soul level and knows everything about me and cares for me. And we have fun, we do all kinds of weird kinky stuff, and he cooks for me really amazing unique dishes, and the culture is interesting and has developed over a long period of time. I get to work as an artist with a female demon friend that I make. He's also very smart, and despite having some flaws like depression, a bit neurotic/awkward, he's pretty emotionally aware and in tune with himself and the people around him. Not full of himself or insecure in the wrong ways. He's a hard worker, a good friend and takes care of the innocent human souls that end up getting stuck on his planet during their reincarnation cycles, as this happens by accident sometimes. He finds the way human souls are structured to be precious and unique and he loves their vulnerability. There's a size difference, too, like demons are usually 6.5 - 8 feet tall, he is 7.5 and his partner - me - is 5.2 in this world. Our relationship ends up being an experiment done by the demon mother and the creator to make a well functioning mixture of light and dark, yin and yang. Demons pair-bond, they develop a lock and key system, where the female's soul moves into and circulates into the chest of the male, it rotates, and this creates a cord, a soul connection that is almost impossible to break. Their planet is located near a "yang" light source of energy where animals that are light oriented that migrate through the miasma come to feed, and they have developed their world around hunting, food and love - for their partners and for their demon mother who created them. They have their own styles of art, language, writing system, no politics or leaders as they are too unified for hierarchy. They turn into wolves to run into the city and to hunt, but in the cities they have a well developed train system that goes across the city, and also up the winding skyscrapers that are about two times the size of the largest one on earth. Their cities are well- lit, as their light only provides enough visibility as you would get from the moon, and it is similar to how downtown tokyo looks. They have three cities, a population of only 5 million, and small farms right outside the city - the rest of the planet is left to develop on it's own in peace. Demon children are created from the mother starting as a ball of intelligent miasma, they create consensus reality through structured imagination/manifestation and live forever. They never die, as this is the density right after physical death. Due to being dark (but not evil) oriented, they have a heavier density than most light beings, aside from the animals that they hunt which are on the same level. I could go on and on about this little world I am building but I will leave it here. I kind of feel like, as a creator, that I could end up developing what comes next, but who knows? My heaven is basically something that I get to create, that has meaning to me, that I put the work in to build as well as I can - something that can reflect a new start somewhere that is utopian and pretty chill. That's my "heaven". I feel like, if I could communicate with a deity, maybe one like Kali who is pretty all encompassing in energy, that she would be the one who could create a world like this. It's kind of helping me to develop my knowledge of how worlds work as I am kind of a shut in without a lot of worldly experience - just a lot of metaphysical experience so it's like I got that down but then structuring the city, and all of that jazz, even plot holes or things I wouldn't think of that would go into this - I'm not there yet. I hope to, as the years go by, develop it into something very detailed and cohesive, but we'll see. When I grow up I want to be a forester Run through the moss on high heels That's what I'll do Throwing out a boomerang Waiting for it to come back to me When I grow up I want to live near the sea Crab claws and bottles of rum That's what I'll have Staring at a seashell Waiting for it to embrace me I put my soul into what I do Last night I drew a funny man With dog eyes and a hanging tongue It goes way back I never like that sad look From someone who wants to be loved by you I'm very good with plants When my friends are away They let me keep the soil moist On the seventh day I rest For a minute or two Then back on my feet and call for you You've got cucumbers on your eyes Too much time spent on nothing Waiting for a moment to arise The face in the ceiling And arms too long I'm waiting for him to catch me Waiting for you to embrace me, oh-oh

Hi Hojo, I love your avatar btw, so cute. Wow, that sounds like an intense, but very cool experience. I've had an experience of a sea of souls, too, but everyone was happy and singing together. Thanks for sharing that, that was really interesting to read about. What do you think it meant?

I would take up both viewpoints, if you wanna. That it could have been real or a dream, because you can't ever really know with these things, not truly. No matter what position you take, it could be the other one. So, choose which one resonates the most, we can only speculate, but because it was your experience your viewpoint is the one that matters most - keep in mind the opposing reality as an option, too. That's what I did with my wacky paranormal alien experience. I think it was real, but I also know that the mind can play tricks on a person, so I have as a backup that it could have been a dream, too.

I'm able to enjoy kink and to make love, too. I like both and have enjoyed both - kink in fantasy, love irl. In fact, if I don't love a guy, then my sex is off. It's kind of terrible, actually. I can't get into it, I don't feel stimulated. It takes me quite a while to get used to a new partner, so one night stands don't cut it, I need like 3-6 months of really getting to know someone in that way to feel comfortable enough to shine, but when I was with my ex for a great period of time and could shine, he said that at times I was one of the best he ever had. We never did kink, we just had deep, bonding sex. It was one of the only things we were able to connect on for some reason. We just had the right flow. I would look him deep in the eyes, snuggle his face, nuzzle his nose and cheek, kiss is face, his neck. I'd hold him as closely as I could. We usually had a good time. We could never find a way to bridge the gap between our different personalities, and so sexual communication was one of the ways were everything was vulnerable and naked and we understood one another, where neither of us were messed up, just two people who wanted to have a deep and emotional experience. It was a lot of fun. But that doesn't negate that kink is also a big part of my life, too, now more than then. I haven't actually engaged in it, sans one time in a foursome with a friend and two guys, it was a bdsm thing - just one time, but most of this has just been in the realm of fantasy, exploration in that manner, but I have found a lot of inspiration, creativity, and self love and peace through getting to know myself on this level, too. I feel closer to, if I were to have had a different outcome in life, that I would have taken on more experiences like this and that they would have been a vehicle for understanding aspects of my psychology and my soul on an entirely different level. Vanilla has it's place, so does kink, it can be nice to switch it up a little, you know? Have both.

It's probably a bit of both, I've seen people think they were very good at something, very smart - only to be hit with dunning-kruger and then I've seen smart people generally not know they are very smart. This is where a good sense of reality testing comes into play. It's always good to have people around you that are smarter than you, so you don't end up thinking you know more than you do - this can keep you grounded. At the same time, it's good not to base what you think of yourself entirely off of what other people say, only you can ultimately know how smart you are, what goes on inside your head and what your potential could be. I've had people tell me that I'm not smart, just because I didn't agree with them and their methods, and that somehow me not mirroring exactly what the person wanted to hear was somehow connected to my intelligence. Kind of an unintelligent conclusion to make. Sometimes you can have people try to "train" your reactions to suit their needs, but if you're smart - you won't fall for it. Generally institutions tend to do this, schools, jobs... In the past, I had teachers tell me that I straight up didn't do the work that I did because it was "too good". People generally can't see intelligence when it's in front of them, it's actually not that easy to spot - because it can be easily faked and mimicked. Basically, divine intelligence is creativity. If you can tap into your own personal well of this, and build upon it in some ways, this is great - not a lot of people can do that - this generally isn't something that can be measured, either. It's going to the source, so to speak. In order to do this, people need to develop a sense of their own creativity, their own sense of self. They have to go within, fully, to the very end and see what's there. Because this takes work, authenticity, and bravery, many people are not willing to do what it takes to be creative, thus divinely intelligent. I agree, there is no competition, people just genuinely need to look inside themselves and they will find it if they really want it. But if not, they will forever be seeking fool's gold outside of themselves, the fake intelligence that lacks heart and soul, that dominates the modern era. I make things for myself, to make me happy, to express myself and for no one else.

@Jannes Yes, a few times, about five times, and they were all very intense awakenings with a lot of insight into the nature of death, god, souls, dreams, and other paranormal things - it will be uniquely suited to you, what you find on the "other side". I tend to go into a mental space when afraid of death, so this does take a bit of work and can be hard to do, but it is so worth it - once the fear of death is over and you go through it, you get a rush of feel good emotions from the process. It doesn't take too much concentration, especially if the image you are using is really beautiful, basically you just need to really "taste" what you're looking at in a real way - the key is getting present and showing appreciation for reality in the current moment, and when you have something that is visually appealing, it is easier to see God in it. God comes in through all sorts of ways, but one of the easier ways to get to God is through the beauty of nature. When you don't put a mental layer of what death means, but really just actually go through the process in real time, then it gives the other side a chance to come to you with what's really true for you in your direct experience. Because these things come as a revelation or a download, if you think too much on what to expect, then it can give you a bunch of ideas instead of clearing the plate to allow the divine to meet you where you're at. View it as using your concentration and appreciation to reach out, to reach forward, to meet God in the middle.

Contemplating death can be very helpful, but if you're looking into insights into the nature of death, try this out and see what happens - you can do both!: Wait until you are actively feeling the fear of dying, in that moment - and use this time to delve into it. Don't question what death is, don't put any ideas into your mind on what it could be, just observe the fears that come up and move through them, sit with them as a physical phenomenon almost. As you do this, pay close attention to your senses in the present moment - sometimes having an image of something beautiful on your computer screen can help - look at this and really get a deep look, as if this is the last thing you will see - let your eyes drink in the beauty, the lines, the colours, and offer full appreciation for what you're seeing. Keep doing this and see what spontaneous insights and or awakenings come up. Don't think on it, just let them come to you of their own accord. You can write them down when you are done, try not to get distracted. Do this every time you feel the fear of death - it's like a process where you move all of your consciousness as bravely forward as possible. The closer you are getting to God, the more the image will have an illuminating quality to it, like life will be pouring out of what you see.