Marvelllious

what do you guys think, im confused as shit?

@UpperMaster just text me and we can exchange discords and talk

Ok so in the past 2 to 3 years I have been dealing with a lot of difficulties and everyday I wait for things to get better which they do to a point but there is a drastic difference to how I was and how I am now that honestly I have no idea what to expect of myself anymore. I'm 19 and just graduated high school with good grades, yesterday I was on my first job interview. 3 years ago I experienced a huge depression where I couldn't think at all. My mind was just completely empty. I couldn't form sentences that made sense and that took a big toll on me because all I ever did growing up was writing essays and thinking deeply about philosophical topics. I tried to better myself everyday because I discovered self dev at an early age. I meditated for 1 to 2 hours a day, I worked out, I worked on creative projects, always trying to learn something new. When 2021 ended I stopped doing all of that because I suddenly became really extroverted and I was always outside with that slowly my thinking abilities returned and I was so happy that I started indulging in weed, sex and friendships. I stopped caring about anything really except social interactions. I was talking to strangers going out with 30 people in a day constantly creating new friend-groups from scratch. I smoked a lot like 8 joints a day at that time. I did all sort of rebellious acts at school just because it got me attention. They made me take drug tests but they showed nothing. The school director made me go see a psychologist who really didn't do anything except inflate my ego telling me how smart I was for my age. Until one day they excluded me from the school so now I had to find a new school for my last year of schooling. I was constantly on Instagram chatting, posting stories, going live. Then I flew out to Denmark to spend time with my older brother for 1 month. No smoking, not much socializing. My girlfriend broke up with me when I was away from home. I couldn't sleep and I felt so bad. At the end of the month I started experiencing hallucinations. When I got back to Bulgaria I completely lost track of what is real and what is a dream. Long story short I was going through a psychosis which made me do some surreal things. I fought a police officer because I was thinking somebody was out to get me. Then I entered a clinic for 3 months where I ate shit food, was constantly fed on xanax to go to sleep, I was fighting inmates because they were trying to fuck with me. It was a long psychosis. The doctors thought I developed schizophrenia. But slowly the symptoms disappeared and when I got out of the clinic again I couldn't reason at all. Did not talk and I felt a constant anxiety that I would die because I just became stupid. I felt and still feel to an extent that I became really dumb. Everything became dull I lost interest in all my hobbies, I lost my values, my goals and dreams. I lost connection to almost everybody I knew from before. I was prescribed pills that would keep me "normal" but after 9 months I stopped them. And here I am now... I can't find a reason to do anything because I can't relate to anybody really or anything. During the psychosis at one moment I felt like Anubis at the next I felt like Ares then I was somebody else. Everything was changing so quickly that I think it fried my brain. I want to change but honestly I do not know what I want to turn into. It feels like I have exhausted the "positive possibilities" and now they do not seem to be working for me. But it's the same with everything I touch. I lost my creativity, my character. It feels like somebody wiped my save files and now I have to start a new game. I am staying there in the create a new character screen looking at all the classes and races I could pick but they just do not compute with me. I feel like an ant to which somebody is trying to explain what a car is. I am not suffering anymore because I sort of accepted how I am but still it bothering me because yeah I may be young but time flies by so fast. Eventually if I don't get my shit together I will be faced with the consequences of my incompetence. I sometimes think about suicide because what if I'm hollow all of my life? Why should I keep watching all my potential be destroyed slowly when I can just fasten the process? Because damn does this feel hopeless. It is not causing me insomnia but I know a tsunami is coming. A crocodile will snatch me eventually. Do I keep waiting? If I have to act what should I do? How do I change this situation? How do I get excited for my life again?

@BEWISE I get what you are saying. I just do not understand why what happened did what it did. It just does not make any sense and for the time being I have not found what could help. It's a mess and I hope it does get better because it would be a shame if it is not solvable.

@UpperMaster yea man sure thing.

I notice an interesting split in my consciousness, when I go to bed when i close my eyes I see a very realistic picture of me looking but at the same time there is a dark area there too which just observes this subconscious phenomena happening in real time. I have no idea what to do with this info but it is kind of odd and at the same time comforting. The other odd thing is when notice this split, it becomes one but if I wait it goes back to this conscious observing the unconscious. Yeah what is this guys?

For the last 5 months, I've been in this really strange limbo state where I can't relate to people or even speak with them on a deeper level. This may sound like a normal self-help problem that needs more social exposure but it isn't that. It's strange because the moment I entered this limbo state my whole experience with day-to-day life became dull and I would even say ghost-like. My mind-muscle connection when working out wasn't the same, I didn't feel hungry at all, and I started losing myself in the sentences created during conversations which lead to really awkward moments. When I get down and try to do something hard I get tired after a couple of minutes. The experience is surreal in a sense because the days are passing as if I'm reverting my evolution process or at least it feels like that. Time passes really fast compared to my "normal" state. All of this is still present today. I had it mistaken for an awakening at first but the more time went on the more I realized I can't have been that. A similar experience happened like this one during the start of the covid pandemic but the limbo I was in during that time had me experiencing constant anxiety for no reason. I was functioning well though, there wasn't a struggle with talking, eating, working out, and studying except the ongoing anxiety. Some time(7 months) went by and it suddenly disappeared. I was so happy to be free of this so I went on enjoying life and working on myself. In the winter of 2022, I had moments when I would go to the gym and a strange sensation was connected to my ears and heart in a weird sync, there was a rhythm that would loop itself lasting from 5 to 15 minutes. My breath reminded me of something in the past as if a Deja Vu from my childhood. It was strange but I couldn't make anything out of it so I left it out as a "wtf" moment. In the summer of 2022, I was feeling at my best, with no strange experiences like that except weed-induced shenanigans. I watched a ted talk minutes ago which resonated with what I'm experiencing. There is a part in the video where the guy says "The first time you lose your mind you don't feel like you're becoming less sane, you feel like you are becoming saner." During the summer I was feeling saner but I caused a whole lot of trouble to the people I love. I still kept on going with the trouble without any realization. I had dreams which made me feel like "The Chosen one". There was this one where I as a character was in the middle of the world(imagine a picture of Earth with a guy in the middle) and everyone(7 billion people) were looking at me while I also had this great eyeball hanging right on top of my head. During that time I was obsessed with synchronicities( the Jungian type) and when I would wake up and go on about my day every single eye symbol i saw as street art or when a shop I entered had eye talismans or whatever else would just make me fill this up into the "Chosen one" narrative. I also spent a great amount of time in isolation which could be something, right? At times I would get really frustrated because there is no way to explain this in a manner that won't sound crazy to an average guy. I'm so done with this experience I just want to move on. If you've been in a similar situation or have some idea what the problem is I would be glad to know Im not insane. The fragmented thought process left me to this conclusion after long weeks of analysis.

For the last 5 months, I've been in this really strange limbo state where I can't relate to people or even speak with them on a deeper level. This may sound like a normal self-help problem that needs more social exposure but it isn't that. It's strange because the moment I entered this limbo state my whole experience with day-to-day life became dull and I would even say ghost-like. My mind-muscle connection when working out wasn't the same, I didn't feel hungry at all, and I started losing myself in the sentences created during conversations which lead to really awkward moments. When I get down and try to do something hard I get tired after a couple of minutes. The experience is surreal in a sense because the days are passing as if I'm reverting my evolution process or at least it feels like that. Time passes really fast compared to my "normal" state. All of this is still present today. I had it mistaken for an awakening at first but the more time went on the more I realized I can't have been that. A similar experience happened like this one during the start of the covid pandemic but the limbo I was in during that time had me experiencing constant anxiety for no reason. I was functioning well though, there wasn't a struggle with talking, eating, working out, and studying except the ongoing anxiety. Some time(7 months) went by and it suddenly disappeared. I was so happy to be free of this so I went on enjoying life and working on myself. In the winter of 2022, I had moments when I would go to the gym and a strange sensation was connected to my ears and heart in a weird sync, there was a rhythm that would loop itself lasting from 5 to 15 minutes. My breath reminded me of something in the past as if a Deja Vu from my childhood. It was strange but I couldn't make anything out of it so I left it out as a "wtf" moment. In the summer of 2022, I was feeling at my best, with no strange experiences like that except weed-induced shenanigans. I watched a ted talk minutes ago which resonated with what I'm experiencing. There is a part in the video where the guy says "The first time you lose your mind you don't feel like you're becoming less sane, you feel like you are becoming saner." During the summer I was feeling saner but I caused a whole lot of trouble to the people I love. I still kept on going with the trouble without any realization. I had dreams which made me feel like "The Chosen one". There was this one where I as a character was in the middle of the world(imagine a picture of Earth with a guy in the middle) and everyone(7 billion people) were looking at me while I also had this great eyeball hanging right on top of my head. During that time I was obsessed with synchronicities( the Jungian type) and when I would wake up and go on about my day every single eye symbol i saw as street art or when a shop I entered had eye talismans or whatever else would just make me fill this up into the "Chosen one" narrative. I also spent a great amount of time in isolation which could be something, right? At times I would get really frustrated because there is no way to explain this in a manner that won't sound crazy to an average guy. I'm so done with this experience I just want to move on. If you've been in a similar situation or have some idea what the problem is I would be glad to know Im not insane. The fragmented thought process left me to this conclusion after long weeks of analysis.

@BipolarGrowth Yeah it's hard to be hopeful when this thing is going on for such a long time. Can a trip on some psychedelic help me? Like mushrooms or LSD for example.

@BipolarGrowth Well the thing is I'm not sure if it is insanity because I'm aware of my surroundings and no matter my struggle I try to not cause any trouble. I In a later post you mentioned spiritual emergency but it isn't that. I know my description may be flawed but I have no better way to explain it. If you had a similar experience what would you do?

I don't get how this is the problem?

Watch between 1:42:12 and 1:43:30

Great for you man

@Razard86 I noticed this happening for a while and it made a great impression on me because i once again dropped the personality i was building over time. What sucks is that i feel i droppped more than i wanted to, structuring sentances and narrating is just so hard at this point. I just don't understand how is anybody suppossed to get this and maintain a "normalcy" in day to day life? How the fuck does one live, do and make decisions when at the same time he doesn't identify?

Last month i had this huge realization that we all choose to play a character and we play it. It isn't even chosen we get what is around us from social conditioning and our parents. I became conscious of this but due to that realization I am half of a person now. I feel as though I've dropped my operating system which is hurting me because I can't do anything. And to be honest I don't even know how it happened. I was sitting in meditation and i just focused on the small dots that fade into other dots. I just focused on this everchanging field of view without thinking about anything and then i openned my eyes and all my stories about the world collapsed and now I struggle with normal day to day tasks like explaining an idea to somebody. I was so good at that. This has made me question if I really should countinue on this journey because in 2 years time I have to be living alone by myself and I can't even talk. I WAS SO FUCKING GOOD AT THAT. I've never gotten suicide thoughts but it's pretty often that happens in the last 3 weeks. I haven't meditated in that time thought it could ground me more but holly fuck it's still the same. When I try to sit and contemplate nothing comes to mind absolutely blank.

damn bro I hope

@Leo GuraHow do I ground myself in "the dream" again?

Honestly I just see that I the depth i had is just gone. It is as if my mind has sealed me off from going deeper leaving me handicapped to day to day life. It is so strange because i see that my survival is switched off completely.I notice myself reading and listening to others allot just because this has worked for me before but now i see that this whole new expirience is really unexplainable to people, everyone is saying to me to just rest I might be depressed or something like that but I know for sure that's not it. The fear comes from "what if i can't solve this?". I am peaceful but I don't learn the same and i also don't do anything in the past month. I wonder if i should do a psychodelic trip. Maybe it could get me into a state of actual understanding how did this happen exactly. The suicide thoughts come from "yeah this is incredibly odd and i have never had anything similiar to it and anything i do doesn't seem to change it, might as well end it because if this countinues(the inability to get deeper into thinking and strategizing, inability to explain things , mainly it's my shit way of contributing to "the dream") I want to contribute but without thought how do you figure out anything? This just leaves me looking at a ticking bomb to which i just want to say yeah might as well let it blow now.

"I remember Leo saying he helped someone ground themselves again in a similar situation" @meta_male Do you have any info on this?

Do deeper research on the topic i recommend Nevile Goddart for starters. Also you can check a youtube playlist called The Mystery School created by a guy named Frater Xavier.

If that is your main source of happiness try turning this into a life purpose.

I'm noticing a shift in awareness in the past 3 weeks which is a little concerning. Reality is more subtle and I am able to expirience almost anything and be fine with it. It's easy to focus. I'm way more present than before but I struggle with thinking. When i try to progress deeper into thought i just am in the moment looking at a random object. My expirience with reality is way more visual now. Which is pleasant but at the same time i consciously know that thinking is a must if i want to survive in the future. My pineal gland is twitching more and more often than before, I remember my dreams. Meditation is the only thing i enjoy doing lately. The thing that bugs me is having trouble thinking when i need to. Contemplation is harder now and conversations too.

I just watched @Leo Gura's episode "how survival shapes who you are" and I'm a bit confused due to recent shifts in consciousness. I expirienced a peek in socializing this summer where i would basically be the most interesting and fun. I had great expiriences with people stepping out my comfort zone speaking to strangers, living a night life for a 2 months straight and i realized that this is all good and fun but has bad consequences on my body, my performance throughout the day, also the people in this environment usually aren't that evolved because of constant seeking of pleasure so I dropped all my friendships because they weren't making me feel at place. So again from very extroverted i became introverted. With that i started to spend more time on watching videos until my pc fucked up. I stayed in silence long meditating because i had nothing else to do which gave me a glimpse of nothigness but it seriously broke my sense of direction. Which makes me ask the question if i trully had to go through this? I ask myself what i would fancy as a career path in the future. What leo described how the ego and the stories developed about the world push us in a direction. The traumas and difficulties have an effect of choice. The reason i have been freaking out the last couple of weeks is because i thought i finally developed into a character that i liked but i was still noticing the limitations of that and let go. But now i realize that in a way you can't have it all untill first you build something up. How in the hell will i advance spiritually if i have no clue how to make money for example. Questions: How do I recollect myself in a better way? How to not fall in the narrative of your goals and aspirations while still moving towards them? I notice exactly then we expirience suffering. How do you guys ground yourself after a consciousness shift?

I think it's because of us maturing along the way. You suffer, see that you're suffering and either figure out why or continue to do so.