Marvelllious

@kamwalker What is your expirience with thinking now?

@Carl-Richard Yes it is something like that right now. The time i posted this i was legit unable to to hear this voice inside my head.

@BipolarGrowth That sounds like connecting to the akashic records.

@Swarnim Man lately I don't know what is true for me when it comes to values and standpoints on important topics. I thought i had figured that out but the meditation just broke that. Maybe i should start reading more and contemplate i started carl jung in search of the soul and it's great. Mhm maybe i should rewatch Leo's video on how to contemplate again.

Over the last couple of days it has been getting better. The conversations with people started flowing once again in an interesting way. I think my lotus of control shifted from external to internal. Which is good but it needs getting used to. A big problem i have right now is dieting for some reason when i eat in the mornings i puke. I know I'm hungry but i just puke. It's as if I'm associating the hunger with a gag reflex it is so strange.

How do you progress in self actualization when you're surrounded by lazy people? I do the work to blot out unconcious behavior and have been doing fine. I got the belief from somewhere that to be a winner you need a winner's circle. That sounds logical. In my school most students don't care about anything except pleasure and ego games which is fine but how do I communicate with them in a way to not adapt those toxic worldviews, bad habbits, ect... I don't try to be liked and I do not have a problem with socializing like in the past. I would just like to chat and express passion towards subjects. I realised when you don't bitch and moan for circumstances noone has anything else to say. @Leo Gura How do you categorize people in your life and in your daily life?

For the last 3 weeks I've been going to bed early and waking up early. The first 2 weeks i just woke up got something to eat then i would go meditate and continue my day. I've stopped going out, only on weekends and socializing while at school. My pc is old and the only thing i can do on it now is research, youtube and movies. I would stay on it allot in the past playing games talking to friends ect. Now I don't miss it but because of those circumstances...(I've been meditating for 5 years now) The last 4 days have been really tough. Meditation and those extra hours of just sitting and doing nothing have started to boost my consciousness. I would sit and talk with a person and just look right through him i would look at his eyes and there is nothing there i would sit in a room observing objects and they are subtle but there is nothing there. This has made it hard for me to wake up, the mornings are dreaded because I worry I'm losing my mind. In a year and a half i have to pick a life direction I'm almost done with school and it just gets overwhelming. I've been watching Leo for about a year now and at one point i was just consuming content just for the sake of it not really going through it. And now this is hurting me because the different perspectives I've obtained through watching content are combatting each other. This uncertainty of character is making me feel groundless. When a person asks me a question i just freeze in my answer because i see allot of viable opinions but none of them are really mine. I see how much I've bullshited myself and it's hard to breathe sometimes. In the past few days i wake up with stomach pains due to worrying and i wouldn't eat food just because i want to puke all the damn time. I can't ask other people for advice anymore because non of them really know what it is to look someone in the eyes and register that they aren't there at all. I broke up with my girlfriend because i saw how I wasn't able to lead properly like in the past. Perhaps i should stop meditation only focus on contemplation for now because I truly don't know. The things Leo talks about i try to validate from expirience but what expirience does a kid have. (17) This nothingness is so nice sometimes but when I'm around people i just want to cry. I look at them and see how they are playing a game that they exist. It hurts so much when looking at my mother. What should I do? @Leo Gura

It is.

Are there any feelings involved? And also could you describe it in more detail.

@Leo Gura I'm 17, a virgin, been doing self dev since 13 years of age and before i struggled with attraction. Now I find it easy to cold approach and speak to women. When we are reguarding sex though, I always turn my head away. I see my semen as a form of energy. Where you put that energy is very important because you will recieve that what you've sown. I'm afraid that by fucking the wrong girl i may start to expirience problems related to Lust. I know that whore behavior is greatly supported these days because it leads to confusion for easier manupilation. And as a male i do not want to participate in that cause. At the same time i do speak to women on a regular basis, most of them say they want to date me but don't really do something to show that their words are genuine. I work for that and when i see they want sex I just move on. My whole viewpoint on women has shifted in a bad way because I feel people have made this important gift of union open for everybody. If you give your purity(gift) away to everybody, how can you say that you have somebody, when everyone gets to recieve you. I feel as though being selfless in this reguard is just dumb. The bad shift manifested in that I see no big reasons to be in a friend relationship with women because down the train somebody will eventually catch feelings. The responcibility i have when i am with a female is big even though most of them deny me the authority. Most of their jokes and entertainment ain't even funny it becomes funny when i extract some of their points and use it, then they laugh their ass off. I feel like i waste my time interacting with them because they don't really have a whole lot interesting things to say or show me. This unfair exchange makes me ask the question "Well why not get a reward and fuck them?" But then i return to my principles and just dissmiss the question. But it keeps popping up. At the same time i've had intimate expiriences with others which were close to sex and it was very recharging. Perhaps it is because most people my age aren't that mature or maybe I'm delluded. Is chastity a valuable virtue to have? How do I know for sure I'm not fucking a useless parasite? Also I would greatly appreciate books on sexual dynamics and other resources you guys can link me up to. Thank you.

thank you

@Sanguine thank you

Is there a list of must things i need to expirience in this age I'm at. What expiriences give you allot of clarity?

@Razard86 I do get this but it makes me feel out of place. Soon i need to be looking for a univercity and a future me that will be able to survive and thrive. For now i think i do need a little ego. What perspective is best to adapt as a stepping stone so i could get to this infinity lens switch you're talking about? How do I make the paradox of something is nothing, nothing is everything work and not fuck me so much in the ass?

For me as a kid I had this really interesting form of extreme playfullness when i was by myself, I was pretty shy but now i grew up to be very social. I discovored this playfullness last week again and it gave me the ability to switch in this state whenever i want. It is basically seeing whatever comes up in my mind when there is something happening infront of me and fully expressing it. The thought can be connected to feeling or some picture of yourself expressing a certain face. It's all about letting this spontanious flow take over. That's what kids do they just say what they EXPIRIENCE(thought,feeling,imagination,desire,ect.) without much thought of social acceptance. One other thing when interacting with others is rocking the flow with imagination, say it outloud and the other person would countinue the creation of the absurd little thing you just LET happen. I am happy i still remember this... when i was 5 years of age what gave me most joy was watching a movie then cosplaying it. That's how i developed this good capacity to relate to others now as a teenager. Acceptance is for sure a huge part of it but when you're a kid, you're not aware of how you do it so in a way you are acceptance itself. You accept if you're wrong and the cool part is being wrong or losing was just a stepping stone to greater joy. Great attention drained me. My expirience was spoiled and made worse when I had to constantly find a way to put myself in a box of how exactly I am feeling. This natural way of being creates a vortex around you of unlimited possibility which is God, Love ect. Innocense is just your ability to see that there really isn't something that serious about the world in the present moment. It's all about seeing what elements are around you at the present and creating something with them, if you had too much to choose from you wouldn't know what to create. Seeing these elements and switching them around just for the sake of it makes people who see you not afraid ,love you to the core. I do this even now and people will never skip an oppourtunity to tell me how cool i am. And i smile laugh and stay humble. This is it.

One thing I've realized is that to become fully woke (connected to The Akashic records) you have to let go of the info your mind downloads through school exc. But there are also several traps that I think can screw you over like for example the moment you become connected to the source has to be done when you let go of fear FULLY( I exercised myself so much walking barefoot, tapping into the occult, spending time in nature, sungazing, meditating, breathwork exc.). Yeah but to do that you have to be set, career chosen, wage-slavery free... I was connected to that God force for a while and I've never felt happier in my life but in that happiness I lost connection with the 3d with no "survival" accomplishments. I constantly told myself "Nature got me." "Nature got me." In a way cheating the ego development. Letting go of ego when I need it most. (I'm 16.) I experienced a big depression last year because I had to let go off that beautiful mire I've drilled into my mind. And had to reconnect myself to ego again. With the start of the school year (2019) my desire to learn the things we learned in school vanished. I felt huge pain in lowering my vibration because most of the kids in my school are just so arrogant and low in their development. I couldn't focus on doing work and learning because I felt like I knew already.(The constant ideas and glimpses from the source) And for 1 year I'm returning back to my ego, I'm good. I've built a good work ethic, I watch allot of videos relating interesting topics like this one I'm developing well, great even but I think I'll be even better if I still had that connection and insight from the Akashic... Is it possible to do? And is there any problems and traps that may come along the way? I'm aware but I'm not connected. If this won't be healthy now when? Around the age of 20? Or should I just use psychedelics in my spiritual growth from time to time? Thank You Marvelllious

Thank you for answering. So what you're saying is, just acknowledge that I'm fooling myself and move on... For a moment I got it, then I lost it. Thank you I'll think on it.