Leo, thank you so much. I have a deep feeling of gratitude towards you and the generous work you have put out into the Universe.
I felt compelled to write this. I am not usually one to participate in anything online (my reddit account has no posts and it's 7 years old).
I have transformed my life dramatically in the last 3 months, much of this I attribute to your work's influence on me (among other key influencers I found online). I was a rational atheist who was a firm stage orange in the Spiral Dynamics model. From July 2020, I was fortunate enough to finish up a contract with enough saved to last me for a few years. I needed time to recover from a grueling work schedule and naturally fell into a stagnant lifestyle of hedonism. With no need to work, I slept in late, played computer games all day, took afternoon naps, gorged myself with unhealthy foods - rinse and repeat. It turns out that having the freedom to do whatever you want, and in fact, doing whatever I wanted leads to an unfulfilling life and I became listless in life.
Around October 2020, I discovered your content completely randomly on Youtube. It was the video on Introspection, an advanced topic which was surely outside my conceptual framework at the time. But I think that deep inside something rang true and I was intrigued - so began my journey down the rabbit hole. I binge watched your videos, not actioning any of your recommendations or making any effort, but hey at least I felt like I was being slightly less listless lounging on my beanbag.
I discovered the concept of meditation through your videos and decided to actually implement that in my daily life at the start of November 2020. You said that it was the single most important personal development habit that anyone could undertake - and I can vouch for that wholeheartedly. I started with 20 minute sits daily and by the start of December I was doing 1 hour sits at least once in the morning and also regularly a second time before sleep. In one of your videos you claimed that awareness was in and of itself curative, and I can also vouch for this. I found myself cutting out unproductive and bad habits from my life, without much effort or resistance, by simply being able to notice in the moment when I had a craving to eat or browse YouTube and then simply choosing not to do so.
On 7 December 2020, I decided to take the plunge and invest in my own personal growth by enrolling in your Life Purpose Course. Wow. It took me 2 months to complete it by Jan 2021 and my life is objectively more wholesome and happy. You introduce some very core and important concepts for the individual to implement to chisel away and reveal their true authentic self and empower them to bring their greatest gifts to serve others (not just yourself). It gives me a sense of ownership and clarity to have put in hard work and know what are my Top Values, my Top Strengths and an inkling of a Life Purpose which I can explore towards. It feels like I have a true north star within myself which I can use to guide my direction. I continue to progress this and recognise that I have much work to do to actually put all the theory into work (I admit that there seems to be some reluctance or hesitation which is holding me back and which I am working to dissolve). I feel like I'm living my life in alignment with my goals - and the sense of fulfillment in this is incredible.
Last week, I started to notice during my formal meditation sits that there was a sense of tingling energy coursing through my body and head. It felt like a mild high from smoking weed. The feeling started to get more intense and I could feel vibrations of pleasant energy washing down my body - sort of similar to the waves of pleasure I get when taking acid. I had to investigate what this sensation was and found this podcast with interview with Leigh Brasington on what the Jhanas are (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9xP28pzQAA). Turns out that was what I was experiencing. The next day, I was able to implement the techniques suggested by Leigh and was able to experience the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Jhanas. I was blown away. In a completely sober state, I was able to experience intense pleasures, deep happiness independent of conditions, a contentment so deep and profound that I had tears coursing down my face, and finally an experience of what equanimity feels like - where there is no pleasure or pain or…anything, and yet despite this you are completely suffused with a sense of peace. These sensations I felt were unlike anything I had ever experienced, and overshadowed my experiences with MDMA, weed, acid and sex so far. And I know that my experiences of these Jhanas is immature as they have been growing stronger as I have started to familiarise myself with their unique tastes. I am following Rob Burbea's recorded retreat on Jhanas (https://dharmaseed.org/retreats/4496/) which is an amazing resource to help develop the Jhanas and appreciate all the insights and sensations they have to offer.
Yesterday, I decided to smoke some weed and try Metta meditation for the first time by following Rob Burbea's Metta retreat (https://dharmaseed.org/retreats/1084/). I used to experience shame and negative self talk when on weed, however, a happy consequence of practicing mindfulness meditation means that I no longer have these bad experiences. Instead, it seems like weed (at least for me) helps to concentrate my mind towards a single point, which is very useful for meditating. When I was practicing Metta meditation, my heart began to beat fast (in fact, the thought crossed my mind that I could be having some sort of cardiac condition) and I was suffused with the sensation of love - for me, it's similar to that heightened love you feel in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. It's a bit different to the Sukha you experience in the Jhanas, which is a sort of joy and happiness. This literally felt like I was in love, and it was a love that was pouring out of me unconditionally to the Universe for what seemed like ages and ages - to everyone and no one. I guess this is what it means when they say that it's possible to feel complete love and happiness independent of conditions. I wasn't intending to enter the Jhanas, but as it turns out Metta can be used as an object of attention to access them. There's a different sensation to the Jhanas when you mix Metta in, it's sort of like mixing a cocktail of pleasure sensations that complement each other. The mix of Metta and the 3rd Jhana seems to be a peak experience in terms of healing and love so far. I think the mix of weed helped me attain a flow of concentration and I was thrust into the 5th Jhana (Realm of Infinite Space) and maybe the 6th Jhana (Realm of Infinite Consciousness). It was so unexpected, I'm not sure I've been able to fully grasp and integrate my experiences of them. However, I remember that my capacity to think any length of thoughts diminished to a point where I was chanting to myself "I love the Universe. I surrender" to "I surrender" to just "Surrender. Surrender. Surrender" and then I wasn't thinking anymore - I could only feel or experience. I noticed that I could mainly perceive sensations one at a time, a sound here then a sound there then a bodily sensation - as if in series rather than in parallel. I guess that's what Shinzen means when he talks about untangling the threads of sensation.
I haven't practiced much insight meditation yet, however, I feel like I'm primed for some real insights. My first Goenka retreat will be coming in April 2021, and I'm incredibly excited.
This morning, I woke up wondering whether my experience of Metta was a one-off experience enabled by the weed. Fortunately, it does not appear to be. I went for a 2 hour walk to the local creek and was able to maintain the feeling of Metta throughout - I think it's the first real time I've successfully tried a walking meditation.
I've come to now realise that I am no longer an atheist. I have experienced things which I can only describe as otherwordly and even…religious (this still seems like a dirty word to me and I can't believe I'm actually using this word). The concrete and real experiences I've had with meditation, Jhanas and Metta have convinced me that there really is a Truth out there. The me just one year ago would never be able to understand or believe the me now. I feel like I've upgraded from Me 2.0 to Me 3.0.
Aside from the Goenka retreat, I'm hoping to experience LSD, mushrooms and 5 MeO to further propel my development…though I have to figure out how to get access (if anyone is in Melbourne, Australia and can help a brother out please PM me!). I recognise that my progress seems to be somewhat accelerated compared to other people and so I need to ensure that I give myself enough time to integrate what I'm experiencing and learning. It probably helps that four of my Top 5 Strengths are: Forgiveness and mercy; Hope, optimism and future-mindedness; Gratitude; and Modesty and humility. At first I was a bit disappointed because how can I find a fruitful way to leverage these Strengths for a productive enterprise?! But now I'm grateful as they have probably helped me along my spiritual growth journey.
So, thank you again, Leo. You have helped me open my eyes through Radical Open-mindedness and my life will never be the same again. I am deeply grateful and thankful. I encourage others to put in the time, effort and emotional labour required to reveal their most authentic selves and live life to the fullest. Much love.
