ndm678

Mushrooms, 2.75 g My intent was to dig into my overly emotional 'storm' I've been experiencing as of late. I tried a more meditative experience instead of sitting under the stars. My thoughts raced, it was like quickly flipping through channels through an old TV. The clear images cycled too quick to get attached to, some channels were static. The screen disappeared, I was in a field with a large tree in it. I made my way to the tree and touched it. I could feel the connectivity down into its roots, I could feel connectivity with everything that was around. I hugged the tree and felt something knock me out of that, like I didn't belong there. I found myself in a forest of mushrooms, they were growing, twisting, swaying. I walked along until I saw my body lying in front of me. I watched as mushrooms began growing on it until the body was completely covered.This felt very unsettling. I felt an embrace from behind, it was warm, loving, and soothing. It's been so long since I felt that. Strong feelings arose and I was held tighter, soothing whatever strong emotions came up. I just stayed in this embrace, enjoying it fully and completely. This is what I crave on the sober side of the fabric. The scene faded into dark with a light above. It was like the moon behind clouds. Flashes of lights, like fireworks, and orbs of light moved around, also appearing like they were behind clouds. I was still held in the soothing embrace. I just stayed there, fully experiencing how comfortable and complete it felt, until I fell asleep. How do I 'push that button' on this side of the fabric? I realize now I chase this one around, on so many levels, far more than I previously realized.

"Fuck 'em and feed 'em fish" *Some dude I used to work with* When you see the You (capital Y) in others, you just want to help/support/save them. "Here, take the coat off my back, here's some money, ect., ect." While the 'worldly' self screams "Forget about that 'Lillies in the Field' crap. Just think about tomorrow.". My daughter asks "Why do you give money to some pan handlers and not others?" "Not sure, something tells me to" "Aren't you concerned about them buying drugs/booze?" "Na, not really. That's their Karma, my giving isn't overly conditional. We're just giving to Ourselves anyway." The 'poor' person, who's down on their luck, needs a miracle pulled out of someones ass to function as 'normal'. The dude that bought a $1.5 million building that needs a $250,000 mechanical upgrade just so they can rent space. I shouldn't be partial to these parties, I should be 'fair'. But I'm not. "Money moves through me", "I do what I do to help others" I screw the building owner, I gift the poor person. This is why I am flawed, I judge, I punish/reward at my egos fancy, while painting a desirable picture of myself, for me to admire. If I could just carry out my business, and NOT make some noble, bullshit, egoic identification out of it. Excuse me, I need to go masterbate about my 'Robin Hood Complex'.

Please then clarify me. Love= a disgusting amount of songs/television/ media revolves around this. Once you begin to chip away at absolute Love, it kinda feels like "Oh, Love...... I knew that all along.....". I just hadn't refined my filter as such. But the arrows always point there, so...... Or One/alone. Another strong media category, another place where arrows point. As one begins to grasp the magnitude of that.. 'Hmmmmm..... one/alone, I kinda already knew that" But lacked the understanding. The deeper I search, it always comes back to Love/One. This is my map, thus far. Please enlighten me. Yes, I'm sure when you started your journey, you had all kinds expectations or 'special abilities/powers/ect you'd aquire.. But realized it was an entire different ballgame. Once one realizes they are 'nothing special' but just a part of it, unfolding, playing out. Surrender is scary and resistive, then we surrender, all of it. And become part of everything. It's nothing 'special' it just IS...... and it's extraordinary. This is my map, thus far. Please enlighten me.

@Leo Gura There isn't a 'there' at all. It's like arriving in Rome, only to realize the starting point was Rome. But we got all wrapped up in the going and doing. It's the ego's greatest disappointment

@Leo Gura I don't, for sure. I've arrived there by different roads. There isn't one method that universally works. We all need to find our way there, through our karmatic hang ups, beyond our methods. Maybe I've only been to Rome NY, and am completely deluding myself.

Pick your path(s). All roads lead to Rome, eventually, if your going in the right direction for that peticular road. The trick is realize this, and not get overly attached to the road you choose. The only way to truly know is to travel your road. If you happen to find yourself in 'Rome' it's important to accept that. And not get attached to that.

Bullshit I'm still a little hung up on this. I feel rather liberated coming to terms with being a 'bullshit monkey'. It's absolutely fascinating to watch the bullshitting monkey wiggle and writhe. Oh, how I want to drop down the victim aspect, oh, how I have loved being a martyr. Jesus was a martyr. He also did lots of other cool stuff, but being a martyr is 'devine'. Just ask my old Catholic subroutine. It feels very vicarious to admit/declare to others "I dunno man, I'm chocked right full of bullshit. Maybe I'm not the one to be talking to about this" They also find/realize/admit of their own bullshitting. Then we are in communion, we are one, in the name of bullshit. Perhaps I should open a church.....

What @Gianna typed. I don't think anyone is going to provide anything jucier. Enjoy the journey, find what resonates with your higher self. Watch for the clues to pivot.

Start here. Journal, contemplate, dig just below the surface. It could take years to intimately know these. Do you though? It feels secure to 'have' that. Life will clean out your clock. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." But its okay, it's not all that heavy. This is gold. Allow this to flow.

I'm full of shit, and take the victim role a little to easily. I've been aware of these, I figured it was getting to a light or 'shmooze' level. I have thoroughly deluded myself yet again. My adult life, and career, has been is a position of 'on the ropes' (poor victim). I operate in a very reactionary position. I sit here, in this moment, realizing I have no freaking idea on how NOT to be a victim, it's so engrained. Awhile back I did a little work (contemplating, journaling) on this position. It was easy to see and address the 'low hanging fruit' aspects. I've seriously 'leveled up' this position. It's like ninja level now. Let's see if I can avoid being a victim of victimhood. I watched Leo's video (again) on bullshitting. That's another position society smiles upon, in the shadow side. There's another one I got paid handsomely for. Lies, deceit, smokescreens, diversions. They're not lies, it's more of an engineered truth. I Love these aspects of myself. They have brought me here, through my survival journey, mostly physically healthy, in tact, and upright. But they really don't serve me well.

It's kinda like the 'Use Your Illusion II' album from Guns 'N' Roses in the 90's I don't want to be here long, dwelling in the past brings depression. 5/13/22- OMM- Ms. O Pants - Froonis Baggins of The Shire My 'little girl' turns 16 today. Oh, the difficult time it was just to bring her to birth. 90% chance she wouldn't come to term. Oh, how I prayed to my Christian God! She became, on this day, with known complications and variances. Every specialist 'wanna be' up the east cost was there. I overheard a doctor from Tufts say to a colleague "I don't care about getting paid, I just want to be here." Damn, this is truly a unique thing going on. The treatments and surgeries that followed in the months after; " Where do you think she is? Does she feel our gentle kiss? Is she coming back? Can I hold her in my lap? Away from these machines Monitors and IVs" "Oh, my girl, it's ok Let the machine breath for you You'll breath again As soon as you can Maybe open up your eyes I think I saw a smile When I put the SOX game on On the radio When the light is getting low And still they do not know And we can't get any answers But you know that it ain't dark In the middle of Fenway park And the crowd sings with all their heart Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah" And now we are here. 4 years ago started the chain of events that lead to my divorce. At my daughter's birthday party. Oh, how I lost faith in my Christian God! Let's not dwell there. So we will be here, on our slice of earth, for a little while, to celebrate. My peasant hands surely won't provide much for earthly pleasures for you in this endeavor. But, you see, she seeks not for those things. She's an older soul than I. My daughter, my student, my social experiment, my Guru, my Mentor. I have shown her how to live in the world, she's has shown me how to live in the spirit. And she's physically alive. We made it, for real. "And your so much like me, I'm sorry"

I fell out of 'it' today. I was 5 days into a blissful state of 'one'. I woke up every morning a little surprised I was still here, I thought I may have unlocked 'the code' or something along those lines to send me along. I haven't reached the end of my string yet. It's been unseasonably hot, and got all triggered by 'old work trama'. When it gets hot, it's was time for some serious work. Suck it up and process the 'fucked up' later. I hate/hated that aspect of what I do. I do my work differently now. The hornet population is exploded and it's annoying, boy did I judge that.... Just some old stones, got rid of so many lately I forgot those were still there.

https://youtu.be/8OG3xC9hcVM

"The path is easy, for those who have no preference" It's not about not having preferences, it about not being attached to those preferences. This is where the title comes in. I find people take this lack of attachment as; low motivation, unknowing, or people pleasing Doormat. You can see the inner swindler bloom. You watch them run their little jig, you've run similar jigs so it's easy to recognize. How do you surf with that? I ultimately don't care how others perceive me. It's entertaining to see someone's inner swindler surface, and what they do with it. Well, it's entertaining the first 10 times. I guess I can put my mask back on and go act in the show, for the sake of the show.

Orange is a tough nut to crack. Alot of folks built their house of cards on that foundation. Some folks may 'feel' what your saying, but are too scared of being wrong/losing everything. The only way out of orange is through it. You either exhaust it or climb out of the wreckage. As for being alone, well, you're God, you've always been and always will be alone. "Orange fueled by Blue built the world we know today. Orange fueled by Green will soothe the 'pieces that didn't fit' and clean the previous messes up." -Don Beck quote that I massacred

You recognize the 'universal fabric' looking back at you. You lightly feel bad for the other person, because they feel the need to pull those levers. You obviously don't let them walk over you. But I do feel sorry for them, and then move on.

Great. Disintegrate attachments so you can hear others talk about theirs...... This is solid Gold. Thank you I don't engage in people pleasing, It 'feels' doormatty. Or forever 'turning the other cheek'. I hold my own, but it 'feels'

I listened to a Ram Dass lecture recently that addressed a similar set. Here is a quick explain of it. https://www.ramdass.org/who-do-you-think-you-are/

I like this. Did you find it anywhere peticular?

Besides Karma Sutra? Extended foreplay? Roll playing can be fun, I used to pick up my ex at the bar. "Whats a pretty thing like you doing in a bar like this?" Kinda stuff. That would lead to some wonderful physical/primal flavors. If you can merge with the 'oneness', become the 4 armed, 4 legged, 2 headed 'one', that's pretty mindblowing.

As you continue to have them, It begins to feel like the 'strings of the physical world' aren't attached as much as they used to be, or thought to be. Your attachments to objects/people/situations dampen (attachments are the root of suffering in the physical channel/plane/mode). I have not shed one of my nerocies (which was I'm initial attraction to spirituality). They don't take me over, as often. I can sit with them. I have breaks where I can see the same fabric operating in other bodies. When you can look in someone's eyes and think "That's wild! How did you get into that one?" To answer your questions: 1. I started playing more musical instruments, writing, drawing vs TV and video games. 2. I got to the point where I needed to ditch my LP or my job, because they were in conflict. 3. Friendships haven't changed much, most of my friends are musicians, so we always have that 'channel' to hang out on, even if our physical world endeavors are not congruent. 4. The largest obstacle, for me, was trusting the universe, over and over again.

Lol. What will you do instead? Will you be forgetting about what you've grown to know? It reads like you need to go do some more worldly pursuits. Go earn some more money, gamble, have more sex, have more dope. Do it, do it deeply until you're done with it. Take your time, we'll be here when you're done.

I don't think we can engage in the 'safer' discussion as of yet. Your pattern will definitely change, it's important to be aware of that. Nicotine from cigs seems to 'hit' harder and quicker. Vapes will deliver the same amount of Nicotine, but you really don't get that initial rush. When I started transition from cigs to vape I found myself sucking on the vape for long periods of time, and sometimes over doing the Nicotine dose. I could get between 15-18 drags off a cig, so I started keeping my vape sessions to around that. Good luck in your journey!!!!

https://youtu.be/yIsbVpBJ110