I can relate to what you are saying. It is such a vicious cycle isn’t it? And leaves you often deflated and disappointed in your so called laziness.
What has helped me many times has been to sit in the fear, not fight it, and enquire with myself when have I felt this before, how far back, what were the circumstances and who did I not want to be judged by?
My expectations of myself came from the conditioning of the expectations and need to please my parents in order to be loved.
We all come with baggage and before I could even begin to contemplate the concepts and teachings of actualised.org and see that none of it was real, I had to first do lots of self inquiry. An ongoing process. The pain of turning into my fear as well as all other repressed emotions, has helped me see the illusion of it.
Most of my ‘depression’ has been ‘repression’.
There are many roads that lead to home and I took this path. It will no doubt be different for you.
Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. This is a great forum to do that.
