Caio

@How to be wise Username checks out. Thanks for the advice. At this moment, I believe that I'll be doing psychedelics for as long as I live.

The purpose of this post is to share, and so I'd like you to say how you relate to my recount, as well as how you don't, and also anything else that you might want to say, doesn't matter. I smoked changa in higher and higher doses for ~15 trips in the span of 4 months, not very long ago. Low doses brought on very dynamic and fluid closed-eye visuals. Shapes that had depth and were constantly evolving into something else. A mesmerizing display of...anything at all, and I particularly remember shapes that looked like Mayan motifs (close example -> screenshot), only that they were 3D and pouring towards me with a quality similar to the product of this chemical reaction (video linked at specific timestamp). On the other hand, a high dose brought me to pretty much the same "place" every time. The multiple higher dose trips I experienced were very similar to one another in terms of what I saw, how the place felt, or how I felt in those moments. It felt, and looked (closed eyes), like an infinite space, an infinite room, open and closed at the same time. Of course, this time I don't have any link to exemplify. After that many trips in a short period of time, what I have left is a trace of that space that I see with my eyes closed. If I'm meditating, or thinking about my trips, I sometimes find myself there. For a fraction of a second, it flashes before my closed eyes. Here, I have to stress the importance of this fleeting memory. The first few times I did changa, after having tripped, I wouldn't even remember being in such a place. I just thought it went black at some point, that I didn't see anything, that at the peak I was just lost in a sea of black with very intense feelings. That's what I remembered from the peak of the trips. I was sure I saw nothing, and that the changa was "broken" or that I wasn't doing it right. But this was not the case at all. After more than 5 trips, I remembered the peak while sober. The realization came as a momentary manifestation of it in my awareness, while talking with a friend about not seeing anything during the trip. In that moment, I saw, I stopped, I smiled a wide smile, and said something along the lines of "No, no, no, wait, wait, I remeember now!". I was amazed at how it could escape me. How could that place become an empty, black space in my mind. This place in the peak, it was rather stable and unchanging, at least much more stable as opposed to the the low-dose trips, which were pretty random and "artsy". It had a design, it had a pattern, like sort of a matrix layout, I would recognize it every time I was there, it was always the same. As I'm describing it, I keep having glimpses. Please tell me if you know what I mean. About how I felt (t)here. I felt that what I was experiencing was...it. I also felt like there's no coming back. I kept having the feeling of "Of course", "It's obvious", and these were what I believe to be answers to the questions the busy bee, everyday thinking machine wanted to ask in that moment. It wanted to explain, and the experience would just come back with an answer that denies/discards the question. Now, I'm not talking about real, propositional questions, but more attempts to apply paradigms. I felt the need to reach a conclusion to all that was happening in that place, I felt that I needed the space and everything I felt in it to change in such a way that it is organized and not evolving anymore. Haha. It will never stop, and now that I know that, I can welcome that infinite restlessness. That made me perceive existence in a whole new way, and helped me abandon the story-like, linear structure of my thinking; how after distress, restfulness must and should eventually come. That I will achieve a satisfying and calm state at any point in my life and that this is something that I should look forward to. And I don't mean that I never feel calm or deeply satisfied, but that is not a goal to pursue. This story, this tool of making meaning that I'm talking about structures our thinking as humans, and its depths are so well hidden from us, it's only when we traumatize our meaning making machine with states such as those brought on by intense psychedelic experiences that we can actually see how much it makes us who we are, drives us to do what we do, and causes so much suffering when the reality of its false promise crumbles. I also used to look at spirituality as a means of reaching a conclusion, a stable state. Now I think of it as a means of abandoning that paradigm, among other things. Thoughts from "the everyday" would pop into my mind more easily the first few trips, and I would just set them aside one-by-one, so that I could reach the conclusion that if I don't have to puke, shit, and am not going to die for some reason, then I can let myself be in the no-thing space. In this place, I felt that everything I would think of in that moment was there with me. For example, a person I would think of, I would feel that they were there, sort of a faint feeling, and somewhere in a direction above my shoulder, to be oddly precise. It was similar to being in a material space, but was not like this space that we move in. There, I felt like that's all there is. There is nothing outside of that or in it. No end to it. I want to explore that space as much as possible, explore the certain uncertainty and the infinite lack of closure. Oh, and I hugged myself and told nice things to myself after every trip. Also, there was this one time I tried to masturbate cause I was feeling especially horny and curious about how would an end to this continuous edging toward climax would feel. Nothing happened. I pulled my pants up at one point and right now I realize this experience is analogous to what I mentioned throughout my post, not to seek conclusions but to appreciate the complexity of experience in all its forms. Here are two songs that gave me a very warm welcome when I came back from the trip. Poem I for Shakuhachi and Koto Mary Lattimore - Jimmy V I appreciate you for reading through what I wanted to share. I never posted or shared things online before like this, so I really appreciate you who read. This is not a complete or actual trip report, I simply wanted to share thoughts that I can't share with anyone else that would relate. Tell me, was your experience similar, different, or do you have anything else that you want to reply with? All's welcome. Have a nice day, fellows

@Mihajlo Toviovic It took me some time to be able to use intention in psychedelic trips. Like Tim R said, try to get used to the experience a bit more. The ability to exercise intention will develop gradually, it will act in a manner that you might not be aware of right now. Forcing an intention upon a psychedelic experience can be treated as an intention that bears fruit itself. See where it takes you