I'm breaking this into parts please feel free to skip down to the part titled problems meditating. It's where I ask my question the rest is here for reference.
The story:
I was dating this guy for two years (I'm 20 now he is two years older and it was both our first relationship) we were very close and I considered him my best friend. I felt this simple bliss being around him. Our relationship wasn't based around sex though we both enjoyed being together from time to time, conversations were never forced, It was simple and comfortable. But the last 4 months something changed, I think he started going through a very deep self reflection where nothing in his life was good enough, he started getting stressed about things that seemed so trivial, he said he felt depressed, he convinced himself if he left his current life things would be better. I did all I could do to be available for him with how he was feeling, encouraging him to follow the things he felt passionate about, eventually he was insisting our relationship was inevitable, and that he had no plans to marry me in 4 years, I was shocked I feel too young to be thinking about marriage, and I still don't understand why he felt this ball and chain pressure he seemed to be making up, he told me that he didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. I broke down I was so sad. He started to get angry and nag me subtly about certain things that I felt he had no right to judge me about. One given example was that I moved away from my mother she lives in Canada and I moved back to Florida he told me several times that I ought to go back because it would be better for my future, I was finishing up high school for one year in Florida, with college bound plans in the state. I had finished high school and lived with my dad, doing under the table nannying jobs when I got out. He decided he was going to leave for a branch in the military he said this was the reason for the break up. I cried a lot, the sad part wasn't losing a lover but it was losing a friend, losing that connection with a person, but it felt like the wires were cut rather than a natural fallout. It's been 7 months since this happened but he is still around and hasn't left yet.
Journey to accepting:
My introspection, I snapped more in those last few months than I ever have in my life. I've never gotten mad like that my entire life. started feeling down, thinking maybe he was right and I was worthless, I became a little more neurotic. ( really enjoyed that video from Leo, it has helped a lot with learning to accept emotions as well as helped me to understand them more.) My anger was not directed at him as much as it was directed at myself. I did self inquiry after a bad fight and realized that the only reason the things he said upset me were because of my ego, I accepted everything as they were, and as opinions. The next time these topics came up I let them pass and for whatever reason this made him more upset and distant until the end came.
My feelings:
I feel the only reason he wants to leave is to find a "better life." But no matter how far a person goes no matter how far they travel they will always be themselves.
I feel like shouting at him saying what about your passion in life? Why don't you put your energy toward that? Dreams don't have to be futile don't just settle for an easy route!
At the end of the day I don't want him back in my life so much as I don't want him not in my life.( I'm a good friend of his family I actually met him though his sister and her and I still see each other but when I'm at there house he acts super awkward)
It feels weird and awkward but I'm not the awkward one. I just sit in there house like always not minding him but I can feel this sense of avoidance it's weird like magnets. We always end up going to the kitchen at the same time but instead of just doing whatever he waits for me to leave. I was almost laughing when it happened just out of the pure immature awkwardness I felt at that moment.
I get asked out by other men, and I've dated other guys but it doesn't ever lead to anything more. I don't even want a relationship maybe that's the problem, I could careless if I'm romantic with someone I just want that deeper connection lots of guys who have the balls to ask you out want to just get laid. I miss that connection I had with him and it's like I can feel it's still there but instead he rejects those feelings and avoids speaking with me.
I wouldn't take it so personally if he went and pursued his dreams, but instead he wants to take the path of least resistance? (Not that it's easy to get into the military, but he talked so passionately about becoming chef and traveling to study instead he wants to get a government job and be "taken care of" the rest of his life.)
The problem meditating:
On a deep level I accept everything that's happened and I know if someone doesn't want me in there life that is fine, but rejection is a hard thing for the ego, every once in a while the thought of the guy eats me up I start thinking well I'm better anyway I don't need him and I reflect on these thoughts. It's something I'm trying to let go of but thoughts pop up now and again when I meditate, it's weird I don't have a romantic inclination with the thoughts but I guess I either feel like I'm better than him or I feel that strong sense of rejection like why would someone reject me? Or I really must be a terrible person for someon to just drop me from there life. It makes meditation hard some mornings it's all my mind is fixated on. I feel it holds me back and other days he doesn't even cross my mind. I accept him as a person who has there own life separate from me, but I just don't understand how someone can act like I don't exist. And with meditation and trying to learn of the truths in life it makes it hard to see myself as anything other than this entity. My mind is fixated on me being this tangible thing giving excuses like well you are you, a person loved you and felt you, and you obviously are this being sitting here feeling all of these things. you are conscious because you are not dead you are you.
i have this separation between my thoughts and my body and spirit during meditation. like a tree spit straight through the middle but my roots are still connected and strong. Like I can look down at my body sometimes detached from it but at the same time my thoughts are floating some where else, and I'm observing it from above? Not quite above from all sides. It's quite strange I just sit and observe this happening. But what brings me rushing back are these thoughts of rejection and love. I feel I have two sets of opinions I feel life is life it's as it should be and I'm detached but attached to life with no sense of "me" and I get a sense of I am a person worthy and unworthy of love where I have a strong sense of self.
How does one get away from these thoughts? I feel they are trivial but I still have them.
