Vilius

@Osaid @Osaid The way my personality is wired haven't changed. I'm just became really aware that this personality I inhabit is not really me, more like it's character I possess and I'm in control of. For example, I have very high energy personality and I have ADHD. That part of me haven't changed or the other way's sort of say my brain works. But what changed is that, negative side of me doesn't have as much control over me and I clearly can see that it's not me. Furthermore, distinction between myself and other drastically changed. It's such a big change that I struggle to integrate that, I can see that I have my ego backlashing on me sometimes. For example, I clearly feel that I'm not better than anyone else we all share this void/consciousness. Difference between me and rock is non-existent we are in the same consciousness. I have enormously more compassion for everyone, and I understand more how and why people suffer so much caused by their egos. I feel I need to do a big retreat on my own, because day to day life is way to distracting to delve deeper what I experience that day. I hope it makes sense what I write, this forum is only place seems like people can actually can understand. I have a co-worker who mediates 2h every single day, and done some vipassana meditation retreats, but he doesn't really understand what I'm trying to tell him, He's trying to understand everything I say through his mind. My girlfriend also doesn't really get it when I'm trying to explain, it makes me question maybe I'm just crazy. After that shift in my consciousness I can't unsee things anymore.

Hello, I recently had an intriguing experience that I haven't shared with anyone yet, fearing they might think I'm crazy or simply not understand. I've been following Leo for a while, finding resonance in some of his teachings. Anyway, here's my story in brief, and if anyone has had similar experiences, please share—I'm eager to make more sense of it. None of us are perfect, and each of us grapples with our own set of inadequacies. For me, it's been an ongoing battle with an eating disorder—specifically, anorexia/bulimia since I was 17. Over time, I've managed to keep this disorder at bay to an extent where it doesn't dominate my life, and thankfully, it rarely interferes with my happiness. However, this year, in February, while I was holidaying in Scotland, one evening, my self-loathing and destructive tendencies came to the fore. It was the kind of feeling that makes you want to tear yourself apart from the inside out. Rather than succumb to this overwhelming sensation, I remained acutely aware of what was happening and decided to take a walk. As I walked, the pain was palpable—a massive wave of agony threatened to engulf me, accompanied by negative self-talk and a sense of malevolent energy. It felt like some sort of metaphorical demon trying to possess me. I walked briskly, trying to outrun it. Yet, amidst this onslaught of energized pain, I managed to maintain a detached awareness. I observed it, acknowledging its potency and the suffering it had caused me in the past—a sensation I hadn't felt in six years. In the midst of this struggle, one question kept reverberating in my mind: "What is consciousness, and how can I be aware of it?" This inquiry had a profound impact on me. The pain became so intense that, at one point, I felt a disconnect between "myself" and what consciousness truly is. I began to perceive myself as consciousness—a gap, an emptiness, distinct from the pain that sought to overwhelm me. It's challenging to articulate, but in that moment, I felt intricately intertwined with a vast consciousness that permeates everything—the universe and all its inhabitants, material and immaterial. Since then, my understanding of consciousness has undergone a profound shift. It dawned on me that my brain doesn't generate consciousness; rather, my brain exists within consciousness. For the next seven days, I was flooded with a sense of being consciousness experiencing human life, and the grip of my ego loosened considerably. I became more present, less entangled in my own ego-driven distractions. It's been a couple of months now, and that experience has fundamentally changed me. If anyone has had similar experiences, I implore you to help me grasp its significance better. Since that moment, my sense of self has been markedly different, and I'm navigating life with a newfound understanding. Note: I don't take any drugs, I live very healthy lifestyle and I'm healthy individual this was not ordinary experience for me.