Truthboy

Thanks for the replies, of course it is all ego... what else can it be, im just so confused and lost with looking at reality to the point it is distorting everything in my life, if it is all just a dream of my direct experience how can anything be toxic at all? I know im probably not going to do it but the fact that there is literally no reason not to do it just breaks me. I have no idea what is real, fake, good or bad anymore since there is no ground anymore. Obviously my ego co opts this but there is no ego to begin with! Why even is ego the enemy? Why does realizing that everything is imaginary only make you want to treat it like it were more real? @Leo Gura you seem to have this attitude but I cant understand it.... Im just so fucking lost guys.

Serious post. Ok this is gonna be quite an unconventional post I think. Long time lurker but had to make an account to discuss this. Basically I have found out that I truly want to become a master thief in life. Since I have been doing spirituality and experiencing calmer and more joyful states, free from mind talk, I have noticed that in those states I just want to be a thief. Only in the more egoic mind states do i critizise or guilt myself from the idea. And due to seeing more that life is a dream, the idea that i can do anything I want just seems more plausible to me. Im from a middle class family in europe and i finished high school and always had food to ear. But luxury items and nice clothes I could never afford and i was always in debt. I wont lie the luxury is one of the reasons I gravitate to thiefdom. Let me clarify what I mean with master thief. I mean making a professional career out of stealing from corporations and very rich individuals. I don’t want to seem rationalizing but stealing from non-rich entities is just not one of my desires. It’s not about the crime for me I think, even though I love not recognising authority. If there was a natural cave with diamonds in it i would also go there to get them. It’s just about taking valueable things and not working for them. The romantic feeling of just going after what you want has just been strengthened by spirituality because why worry about your place in the system as 1/7billion people when it is all an illusion anyway, there is only the self so stealing doesnt even exist. It’s also not that im super self centered in life on a daily basis regarding material things. One of my biggest fantasies is to take a 100k and then go on a giving spree to my broke friends and random broke ppl on the streets, just give em a 50 out of nothing. Its so bizarre I know. Im so conflicted because it seems my guilt about this idea only seems to stem from ego while love seems to strengthen it. I would have never expected my thieving fantasies to truly become something I consider because of spirituality. Wtf? Thanks for reading I had to get this off my chest.