Danny Bowdad

This is strange, kind of cool. I had ACL/meniscus repair surgery today, I have a nerve-block in my leg. I could seriously stick a knife through my leg, or cut my toes off and I wouldn’t even know. But… if I grab my body higher than the numbness, where I can feel, then move down to numb part while gently gripping my skin… I can feel it then. So trippy!

I 100% believe there’s a creative way to share this info… this is truly a major harm reduction…. It could save lives.

Of course we are all different… I can relate to your experience. First two or three times… not much… these were around 10grams each last few was 20+, now I see…

Question…. I’m sitting in my office, and for the first time I’m have a undeniable “God realization”. I can see and feel that “I am “ everything… everything… Everything. I am the whole fucking God… Leo is my creation, although I can’t figure out the mechanism I’m using to do it. I can feel that it’s My Will creating it… but it’s not clear exactly how that’s happening. So…. What happens if I fly out to Vegas… find Leo, and look him in the eyes? I feel kind of silly talking to this forum… but who else can I talk to?

So, I find out yesterday my older brother has pretty nasty lymphoma, in his bone marrow/blood as well. He started chemo a few hours later… he’s going to suffer greatly. I’ve lost a few close family members recently- Dad, sister, close aunt. I used a lot of heroin in the late 90’s, early 00’s, so I’ve experienced a lot of death, or death related activity’s. My dad and sister’s deaths were rough, but I really wasn’t super close with either. Actually, I’ve never lost anyone that I was super close with. This all changes now, I am going to loose the person I love the most. Of course I knew that someday this would be the likely case… but I never considered that it would be soon, or that he might suffer. Chuck (Richard) is the best person. He’s lived with a slew of serious metal illnesses, like Tourette’s syndrome, Schizophrenia, autism and bipolar. This gave him a curious view of the world, he truly doesn't have the ability to “judge” others, the way that I do. He is kind, considerate, helpful, loving, and intuitive. By worldly standards Chuck doesn’t have much. He has no idea that he should want much, part of which, is what makes him so awesome. The thing about Chuck is that he will, and always has, loved me unconditionally. He didn’t care that I stole his 20 dollars, or went to rehab 10 times. He just loved his little brother anyway. Watching him suffer will be the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. He was the only sibling that was in my life daily, from the beginning- we survived our mom’s 3 marriages, our dad’s 4, lots of shit, lots of crazy shit. It is my privilege to have a person as great as Chuck in my life. It will be hard to say goodbye. Thank you Actualized.org , it’s also pretty incredible to experience this kind of thing from a higher perspective. I can zoom out… see the infinite love, infinite truth, right there, happening, in front of my eyes. I can bask in the melancholy, or (awa-rea? Spelling=) noticing the impermanence of everything. I can know that he’s not really going anywhere… where in the hell could he go!?! I can know we have never been, and never will be apart from each other, in reality. I can see the perfection and beauty of his life bursting into existence. Thank you Leo

So yesterday while meditating, my dog looses her mind, like she does everyday when the mailman comes. It startled me quite a bit, and in that very second I realized: Oh my fucking god! My dog is me pretending to be a fucking dog! I just knew it instantly. Next thought was- This can only mean that nothing (or no one) is every truly lost. I don’t have to really worry about loosing loved ones to death. It’s like I have a sock-puppet on my hand, talking to it because I forgot my hand was in there. If I throw the sock away, my hand is still there/here, the whole time my hand was the thing responsible for animating the sock-puppet.

Hello, So… this is a real question…. Lately, I seemed to have this strange thing happening, I feel weird even bringing this up. Like this can’t be a fucking real thing… and maybe I just need to check myself into a mental hospital. So… at certain times, or I should say certain states of consciousness… I can change my visual field. I can increase the intensity of light, change the color of things, etc… my guess is that I’m the only one seeing this (which I know it’s all really just me anyway). I’m to afraid to ask anyone else If they see it, assuming they would tell me if they are. I can look outside and increase the intensity, brightness, and even alter the color of everything in my visual field. I cross a large bridge over the Ohio river every morning on my way to my office at exactly sunrise time. This is when it’s the best, as I can increase the intensity of the color and light at will. It’s truly breathtaking what I can see… like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I don’t know, am I the only one seeing this?? I haven’t taken any psychedelics in a while, like 5-6 weeks, I’m intentionally trying to integrate a long period of lots of trips, and lots of micro-dosing. I’m doing this right now, in my office at work. I am changing the intensity of the light and colors just by doing it. The trees outside my office window are like nothing I could have imagined… like magic. Is this possibly still a afterglow thing? Or psychosis maybe?? Is this just me just fucking unraveling? Or is this a cool little skill that can make my world more enjoyable and pleasurable, visually at least. (The changes are always to the good (brightness, color and intensity). Anyone have anything on this???

Hello Journal. Watched Leo’s nihilism video today for the 7th, 8th time? I’m still at a point where all of this seems pretty silly, like I am talking to myself. I catch myself wanting to “help” the people in my life by telling them what I know about why they are doing what they are doing in an attempt to “fix” then, but I don’t anymore. Somehow I know that it is pointless. I am hanging on to the idea that; as I do this work, things will get better, I will get better, even if I can’t ever really tell my friends and family what I am going through. My wife is still pretty involved in church (I stopped all church activities about a year ago). I can’t tell her any of this shit! Her and her friends are all ready trying to pray over me, they drop off Max Lucado books at my house. This is all fine, I know they mean well. I want scream at them “it really worked! Now I'm God…, thank you!” When I want them to stop, I’ll try that maybe. She actually asked me if I was secretly becoming a free mason yesterday. I guess I really don’t know what I’m looking for in all this, I just know that the curiosity of knowing my most true nature will not go away. Sorry about rant if you’ve decided to read this… I just don’t know what else I’m supposed to do with this journal. For some reason, just the action of doing this activity is seemingly very positive, even if it’s just a ramble.

Hello, this is my first journal entry. I am a 47 year old white guy. I’m married, have 4 great kids, I was a very active member at our local mega church, I have a shitty 6 figure job, (I know… poor me, right?) we’ll we really do clean up shit and guts. It’s not hard to make 6 figures if you are willing to clean up other peoples shit, or the remains of their loved ones that were left by the coroner. like a lot of other 47 year olds, I hit a point where I could find no satisfaction, no matter how great my life looked on outside. It was at my lowest point when I started microdosing Iboga root bark for help with depression/anxiety/addiction. My experiment was so successful, I decided to do the whole flood dose thing. This was my first glimpse into something mystical and sent me into a nihilistic, existential crises. Fast forward a few years… learning and growing along the way, I’m in a much better place. I’m slowly finding people who I can talk to, but for the first year, I suffered greatly… very alone. Today integration of my mystical experiences are vital. I would like to create this journal for my own growth, also for the people who believe they are alone in this. Or the people who think they are to old to change. I hope my experiences are helpful to someone else.

Hello, I can relate. For me, it started after a intense psychedelic experience (Iboga root bark). I was shaken to the core, everything I believed was dissolved. I was 100% freaked out, 100% lost. At the time I didn’t have anyone in my life to discuss this with. The little bit I did try to share just freaked everyone out. I had no way to properly integrate the experience, because before the experience, I didn’t believe what others were saying about this side-effect. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. I personally believe, that for me, finding a way to integrate this experience was the beginning of a new way of understanding who I really was, or who “I Am”. Today I find great value in participation with “like minded community” and “disciplined meditation practice”. These two practices seem to be the key, that turns on the vehicle, that delivers me to a place of better understanding. Thanks again Leo!!