LostStudent

Today I'm feeling thankful. I read a post where someone was asking how to escape poverty in a third world country and it made me cry. There's so much in my life I take for granted. If I wanted to, I could stop working tomorrow and live the rest of my life off my parents wealth. I did nothing to deserve this situation, life is so brutal sometimes. It's kind of pathetic, I'm over here worrying about my self worth and emotions while that guy is fighting to survive.

@Raptorsin7 No I don't have a therapist or anything like that. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea for me to find one, I'm hesistant because I have an irrational stigma against that kind of thing. I feel like having a therapist would be me admitting that I'm messed up, I guess I'm just in denial haha. I talked to my brother and told him I've been struggling lately and he was pretty receptive. I just feel bad because my brother works a lot of hours and he has a wife and kid so I feel like I'm adding more to his plate.

I've been working out daily which has had a positive effect on my sleep, I've been sleeping well these past few days and I don't feel the the urge to lay in bed after I wake up. I've been struggling with loneliness again lately and I'm not sure what to do, none of my solutions in the past were very effective and I just got past that phase after a while. I'm trying to accept that it's something I'll have to ride out again but it's tough. I don't have a lot of meaningful human contact throughout the day so that seems like the obvious cause of my loneliness but part of me wonders if there's something deeper, I'm not too sure. I've been trying to connect with my family better lately. I talk with my immediate family occasionally but I'm not very open with them and it's really sad the more I think about it, our conversations feel formal and they're similar to how I'd talk with my apartment neighbors when we share an elevator. I called my brother to see how he was doing and he sounded glad to hear from me, we used to be really close but we've drifted apart over the years. I realized lately that I've never been 100% open and honest with anyone in my life, that doesn't sound very healthy when I write it down like this. I want to open up to my brother about my recent struggles and my thoughts of suicide, I feel like it would be nice to tell someone but at the same time I'm hesitant because I don't want to offload my emotional problems on him and overwhelm him.

I meditate in silence but my mind is loud. I focus on my breath but my focus shifts to my insecurities. I made soup the other day, I used too much kale and the soup was bitter. I remember being happy and cheery when I was a kid, I often wonder where I messed up for it to be bitter now. My childhood dog was in my dream last night, it was a really pleasant dream and I was disappointed when I woke up. Is it sad that I'm happier in my dreams than in real life? I've been sleeping better lately, maybe I'll get more happy dreams.

@RendHeaven Thank you.

@RendHeaven Yeah well, I'm sorry for letting me down I guess.

Lately I've been in a pretty dark place, I've spent the last 3 months drinking, doing drugs, and hooking up with people on tinder. I did these things because I wanted the instant gratification but at this point I don't even feel that good doing these things anymore. I tried to end my life 2 weeks ago, I felt confident that I could follow through with it but I felt this intense feeling of fear and uncertainty right before and I ultimately backed out. I guess part of me still wants to live, or maybe I'm just a fearful person who can't take the final leap of faith. I think this is rock bottom and maybe I can only go up from here, that's an encouraging thought. I'm going to try and get back to the basics, no drugs, alcohol, or sex. I'm also going to meditate and exercise every day and try to eat more regularly.

@Gesundheit Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it.

@Gesundheit I'm struggling. I've been pretty down these past few days and it feels like I'm spiraling down further and further into a pit of sadness. I feel like I have no energy and I spent all day in bed today. Hopefully things will get better, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I am an awful human being.

I've gotten a bit better at sitting still during meditation, my mind still wanders like crazy sometimes but I try my best to bring my attention back to my breath when this happens. I enjoy the brief moments of silence even though my meditation sessions is chaotic the majority of the time. One thing that's helped me with my loneliness these past few days is spending more time with my cat. My cat usually hates it when I hold him for too long but he's been tolerating it more lately, maybe he can sense that I'm lonely. Sometimes when I meditate my cat will lay on my lap, he's probably just resting but I like to believe that he's also focusing on his breath and staying in the present moment in his cat consciousness. Things have been going great with the friend that I met last week, we chat quite often and it's really nice having someone to talk to, I couldn't ask for a better friend. He hasn't shown any physical interest in me yet and I was considering making the first move, ultimately I decided against it because he genuinely seems interested in me and I don't want to ruin a good friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. Lately I've also tried to schedule my days better to keep myself busier. I noticed that my feelings of loneliness come more frequently when I have a lot of free time so I'm trying to pack my days full of productive activities. Things like exercising, cooking, and cleaning help keep me busy and it feels nice to unwind after a busy day.

@Gesundheit I've tried but I haven't reached any clear answer. It depends how intense the feeling is during meditation, if it's not that intense I can just bring my attention back to my breath, if it's more intense I may end up crying and cutting my meditation session short. That sounds interesting, I haven't been able to reach those levels of clarity yet. I don't have good answers to most of these questions right now, loneliness feels bad to me and it feels like most of my actions are attempts to do what I think feels good. Things like cuddling my cat, talking to my friends, eating food, sex, and listening to music, make me feel good so I use them to try and tip my loneliness scale.

@Gesundheit Thanks for the tip. I've been trying to do this more lately and I can see why it might help. Some days are better than others but I'm gradually getting used to sitting still for so long.

Pretty solid last few days. I changed my schedule around and started meditating after I wake up, it feels better meditating at the start of my day rather than in the middle. I'm still having trouble sitting still for 30 minutes but some days are easier than others. Not sure about the significance of this but something I've noticed is that my thoughts during meditation correlate to how I'm feeling in that moment, when I'm hungry I think of food, when I'm bored I think of my hobbies, when I'm lonely I think of my friends, when I'm horny I think of sex, etc. I haven't noticed any benefits post meditation but for now I'm glad that I have the 30 minutes to relax after I wake up. I ran into one of my old classmates while I was out for a run, we were pretty close when we shared that class but we didn't talk much outside of school, I remember finding him quite attractive and charming. We talked for a bit to catch up and he was just as charming as I remembered, I was delighted when he asked me for my number so we could hang out sometime. I feel good chemistry between us and I also see this as a win-win scenario, I'll be happy whether we remain friends or if something more meaningful developes between us. I think he's quite attractive and I hope he feels the same way about me because this could be a good opportunity for me to experience some intimacy. For now I'm just glad I have a great guy to talk to when I'm lonely.

In the past I didn't have much interest in dating because I was always busy with school and my hobbies (at least that's what I told myself), but I've been really depressed these past few months and it's lead to me changing my mind gradually. I've dated before and it's always been casual but lately I've been craving some kind of deeper emotional and physical support. A healthy relationship to me is one where we can both share all our thoughts and feelings with each other and satisfy each others emotional and physical needs. I've never had a relationship with anyone where I was 100% truthful and talked about all my thoughts and feelings, this includes all my friends and family. The issue is I don't think I'm in a good place mentally right now so I'm wondering if this idea is coming from a good place. I've read about the law of attraction and I'm worried I'll attract the wrong kind of guys because I think my mind if clouded by negative thoughts. I realize that I could be proposing this idea to myself because I want an easy fix to all my issues, but at the same time I've been lonely these past few months and I feel like a healthy relationship can do me some good. I'm kind of torn between the two right now and I would appreciate some different perspectives. Thanks.

@AtheisticNonduality Ah I see, sorry I got a little confused. Yeah, I'm going to put in more effort in meeting new people. My goal is to meet someone and develope a deeper connection than just friendship but I don't want to set any expectations and my current goal is to just meet new friends.

@Gesundheit I remember learning about Maslow's hierarchy of needs in one of my classes but I forgot about it until now. Thanks for the resource. Aside from reproduction, I have all my physiological and safety needs taken care of. Right now, I would say none of my needs in the love and belonging level are being met and I'm not too sure about the esteem level. I think this is a good idea and this will be my current plan. I'm going to spend more time connecting with my friends and trying to organize ways for us to socialize. In terms of physical intimacy, it may be challenging for me to find someone I would be comfortable starting a serious relationship with so I'm going to try and meet someone I'm attracted to who also shares a few interests with me. From there I'm hoping we can become friends with benefits and satisfy each other's physical needs. I think this kind of scenario would benefit me because I wouldn't have to commit much time into this kind of relationship and if things don't go as smoothly later, we can just part ways.

@AtheisticNonduality Sorry I don't think I understand your euphemism, could you please elaborate? I won't get offended, just be straightforward. Are you saying that in my current state a relationship is me jumping off a cliff and I shouldn't find a high quality one because I'll get hurt either way?

@Gesundheit Can I trust my feelings as a guide in my current state though? Something happened when I was a kid that made me constantly crave attention and approval from my parents because I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't like that. Now that I've moved out and grown older I don't get the same amount of attention and approval from my parents, maybe that's why I want to seek attention and approval through a relationship? The main thing preventing me from seeking a relationship is myself. My feelings tell me that I want to be physically intimate with someone who wants me but since I've been in a depressed state I don't trust myself as much because I don't know if these feelings are coming from a good place. I also think in my current state it would be really easy for me to be manipulated so I'm hesitant for those reasons. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to convince myself that a healthy relationship will solve all my problems but other times I feel like having someone in my life who cares about me is all I need. I guess I'm just a bit conflicted. I've been doing this more lately. It helps a bit.

Today was not my best day. I woke up at around 8 with a strong sense of loneliness so I struggled to get out of bed to start the day. I ended up staying in bed for another 4 hours alternating between crying and feeling sad. I got out of bed to shower and have a quick meal at around noon. I tried to meditate for 30 minutes and I had a hard time sitting still, I also noticed that a lot of my thoughts involved me being intimate with someone. I didn't try to supress my thoughts but I didn't feel I was able to fully focus on my breath. My mom called me several times during the afternoon, I didn't feel like I was in a good mental state to talk to her so I just texted her to tell her that I wasn't feeling well. Today wasn't a very productive day, I didn't do much aside from making dinner. I wrestled with the idea of installing tinder to get some kind of physical interaction but I decided against it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

@Gesundheit Sorry I just saw your post. I've been trying to meditate for the last 2 days, I had a hard time sitting still for 30 minutes but hopefully I get better at that. I appreciate the tips though. I'm not too sure what you mean by this but I've noticed that I don't understand a lot of what people talk about on here, sometimes it sounds like riddles to me haha.

@Gesundheit I think there's definitely some truth here. School occupied a large portion of my focus during the last few years and now that I'm done I feel like I lost a part of my purpose, it's possible I've always had these issues but I just swept it under my busy schedule. Most of my friends are in committed relationships and I feel jealous because I'm so lonely. When I experience something like the death of someone close to me I get sad and cry, when I cry it usually makes me feel better for a few days until I get sad and cry again. I'll usually repeat the process until I don't get sad enough to cry anymore. When I do this because I'm lonely I feel worse after crying and I also get this sense of helplessness, like I don't know how to feel better. I feel like I have to make some radical changes to my life, I spent 4 hours in bed today just crying and being sad, I really don't like where my life is headed right now. I'll try these things, thanks.

@Gesundheit I was thinking about that but there isn't a clear pattern that I've noticed. I think it could also be a combination of me having more free time now that I've graduated and the loneliness from the lack of human interaction due to covid restrictions. I was thinking about getting tinder today for casual intimacy but I decided against it after some thought, I've never felt these feelings so strongly so it could be hormonal. I agree but I'm just not too sure where to start I guess.

@MrBON I agree to some extent. I haven't been in a lot of relationships and none of them so far have been very serious so my experience is limited, but I've never been "addicted" to someone beyond immense sexual attraction. My inner dialogue in these cases has usually been something like "this guy's hot and he makes me feel good so I wouldn't mind sleeping with him, cool we even share a few interests". It sounds really shallow when I type it out like that but that's where my mind and priorities lie at this stage in my life. This kind of dialogue happens often but it doesn't mean I act on it each time, sometimes I'll see that it's a bad decision and shut it down. It could also be because my random nobody hasn't come yet. I'm not sure but I had a friend like this who got tons of girls, it was probably because he was kind, attractive, and a good football player.

@soos_mite_ah Yeah I see it the same way.