Ensho

So it feels like I'm developing psychosis (maybe schizophrenia) after a prolonged period of depression and anxiety, which like it's been made worse by deep meditation because I feel so ungrounded and unable to integrate my experiences. I feel my mind slipping away and thoughts are getting crazier. The symptoms are getting debilitating and it's progressively harder to "act normal" around my partner or family. I sometimes feel like my body is almost shutting down (walking slowly and muscles seizing up). What sucks is I don't have the means to just go and live by myself, I'm dependent on other people for money which means I have to act "sane" and be able to perform work. I'm starting therapy tomorrow but I'm not sure it will help, I have been prescribed and and considering taking an SSRI to help "stabilize" things. I guess my worst fear right now is that I'm heading for hospitalization and a life of mental illness and being managed by other people in a system that seems inept to deal with it. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here, as it seems things are too far gone for me now, but has anyone else been in this kind of situation or similar? What helped/got you through it? Sorry if I didn't make some things clear, I'm having trouble thinking straight and struggled to type this out, but I really appreciate any replies.

Correct. Suicidally depressed here, the worst part is you have absolutely no control over the constant suffering. And ego is too strong to even let you kill yourself, no matter how badly you want it. So what do you do? You wallow for eternity, hurting and destroying everything and everyone you ever loved, knowing that the only thing that will help is death.

@Enlightenment I'll get some curcumin then, just found out that my supplement is turmeric only. @aurum hey, I appreciate if you do have any pointers, it feels like I'm going deeper and deeper into ego and delusional thinking, it's very scary, feels like I can't stop it. In the past I would go to feelings of love to overcome it but I feel nothing, just pain/emptiness.

@Enlightenment I'm sleeping a lot too, I look forward to sleep every day just to escape my reality. I am currently taking turmeric, is that the same thing as curcumin?

@Michael569 @Michael569 You're right. Walking would be good as it's one form of exercise I do enjoy. If you don't mind me asking, what is your take on SSRI's?

@Tal Thanks. I have been taking Omega-3 2000mg for around a year now, along with Vitamin D. I will watch the video.

@Michael569 Thanks. I'm receiving therapy and also seeing a shaman for healing, no idea if it will help but I've got nothing to lose. I'm also getting a full blood test next week including Vit D, thyroid and other stuff recommended by my doctor as I'm also overweight (my diet is pretty healthy but I don't exercise much). I am vegetarian but I'm going to start incorporating fish into my diet.

@4201 Good point. I feel like I'm trapped in this loop where nothing means anything, I can't enjoy anything really so why bother even to live. But dying is pointless too and things could get better, though I'm doubtful. My girlfriend told me I never developed a strong sense of self or achieved what I wanted to, so I've gone into spirituality to solve all my problems. Maybe instead I actually need a stronger ego in a way, to restructure my life, get my financial situation sorted out. Thanks for the advice on therapy, I'm going to see if it can reveal any patterns about why I have such low self-esteem and other issues.

@Jacob Morres thanks, I could look for someone like that here in the UK, or online through Zoom.

@kag101 Yes, I doubt psychs would be a good thing for me, at least at this stage in my life. I'm practicing mindfulness more than formal meditation. My mind feels burnt out from focusing too much. I feel exhausted overall, my head hurts almost constantly, like there's a ton built up pressure (that alone contributes to the suicidal thoughts ("I have to release this energy but I can't", "this is too much to handle", etc.).

@kag101 No, I smoked weed for a while in my adolescent years but it just made me paranoid. Never done psychs.

@AtheisticNonduality yes, I think you nailed it there. I can't feel or find the love in any of it. I'm wondering whether I need to dig deeper, or just stop trying to find it for a while, then maybe it will arise in its own time?

@Abdelghafar thank you.

@Preety_India Well, I'm not having any visual or audio hallucinations. But I find my mind goes into overdrive and start feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trapped behind a veil watching my life, which could be described as depersonalisation/derealization more than psychosis, I suppose. Maybe extreme anxiety leading to paranoid thinking/dissociation. I just feel like I'm on a ride that I can't get off, and it's getting worse and harder to function. I'm also getting a lot of intrusive thoughts. I feel like I'm a dead world and I can barely feel my body. My heart feels empty and numb.

@Matt23 @Matt23 @BornToBoil Hey I found this channel and thought it might help you. Gave me some peace of mind at least for a few moments.

@BornToBoil thanks, I haven't listened to music in so long. @Etherial Cat I just feel no emotions 24/7, except occasionally panic.

I'm terrified because I'm 26 and have constant severe depression. I'm crying as I type this because I just can't see a way out, to continue living, but I'm too scared to kill myself either. It's a curse to be so hopeless at this age, imagining an entire life of suffering. I'm hanging on each moment until I can finally see a therapist on Wednesday.

Hey, I can totally empathize with what you've said here. I'm there right now too... finding hope seems impossible, I never knew life could be this bleak, etc. Perhaps that alone is a sign that something equally as joyful is also possible? Don't really have any advice for you, but at least it might give some small comfort to know you're not the only one going through such a thing.

Hey all, I've been a lurker on this forum for a while now and often felt too pathetic to post anything here, but I'm desperate enough now to do it anyway. I want to get others' perspective on my current situation because in real life I have no-one who could understand what I'm going through, they'd probably think I'm crazy. I don't even quite know where to begin here, so apologies if this is messy to read. I guess I also want to get this out of my system because I feel so much energy bottled up inside that I can't release. Since mid 2020 I've been going through a deep depression/dark night of the soul (constant anxiety, nearing panic attacks, emptiness, dull ache in my heart and constant low mood). I've had similar experiences in the past but this time it was way worse, I could not get out of it or talk myself out of it this time. In the deepest experiences of emptiness and suffering I realized that nothing in this life can make me happy. I've never even taken psychedelics but the experiences I've had, some during meditation, have shifted my perspective of reality and really shocked and scared the shit out of me (also binge reading on this forum has sent my INTJ mind into overdrive). I also wonder if the constant anxiety I feel could be related to a health condition or if it's all in my mind. I've been a vegetarian all my life and recently have started eating healthier, but could lack of meat be contributing to this? I've had intense suicidal feelings, hopelessness and strong fear that I'm going insane/psychotic. I'm 26, no real friends and live with my girlfriend who I've been with for over 3 years now, we had lots of plans together and I always thought she would be my partner for life. But now I feel I'll never be the same and that maybe I need to isolate myself from everyone, that enlightenment is my only way out. I work for a family member, so I'm dependent on them financially. I've contacted a shaman to receive healing soon (is this a good idea?), and I've also got talking therapy arranged, but of course I can't really go into my experiences too deep with a normal therapist. Overall, I'm terrified of having a total mental breakdown and ending up in a psych ward. Since my peak experience so far when I realized I'm not human and the world is an illusion, my mind completely freaked out and it seems like I keep gradually descending further into lower consciousness and like I can't crawl out of it. I wonder if this is a trick of the ego. My overall fear is that I end up killing myself because I feel so numb. I don't want to leave that suffering for my family and girlfriend, even if they're imaginary. I guess deep down this whole post is a cry from my ego that wants validation, but I just feel so fucking lost and don't want to do something stupid in a moment of panic. If anyone here can offer any advice I'd appreciate it.

@mandyjw First of all, thank you for reading my post and for the compassion you've shown me, I'm very grateful. You're right about self-judgement, it is almost constant for me right now, which is something to be mindful of even at times when I feel like beating myself up when sliding back to lower levels of consciousness (that's how it feels anyway). I'm going to keep my meditation practice going regardless, but be patient in my process. @Nahm thank you for your thoughtful reply, I will get my blood checked soon and try to clean up my diet even more. In the meantime I will go ahead with the talk and healing therapy, and as you suggested to express everything I can. I already feel a little better today having voiced my problems here and your comments have been reassuring. Over the next days I'll take a look at the links you've provided. Also feel a one-to-one session could be beneficial some time.