Ensho

Correct. Suicidally depressed here, the worst part is you have absolutely no control over the constant suffering. And ego is too strong to even let you kill yourself, no matter how badly you want it. So what do you do? You wallow for eternity, hurting and destroying everything and everyone you ever loved, knowing that the only thing that will help is death.

@Enlightenment I'll get some curcumin then, just found out that my supplement is turmeric only. @aurum hey, I appreciate if you do have any pointers, it feels like I'm going deeper and deeper into ego and delusional thinking, it's very scary, feels like I can't stop it. In the past I would go to feelings of love to overcome it but I feel nothing, just pain/emptiness.

@Enlightenment I'm sleeping a lot too, I look forward to sleep every day just to escape my reality. I am currently taking turmeric, is that the same thing as curcumin?

@Michael569 @Michael569 You're right. Walking would be good as it's one form of exercise I do enjoy. If you don't mind me asking, what is your take on SSRI's?

@Tal Thanks. I have been taking Omega-3 2000mg for around a year now, along with Vitamin D. I will watch the video.

@Michael569 Thanks. I'm receiving therapy and also seeing a shaman for healing, no idea if it will help but I've got nothing to lose. I'm also getting a full blood test next week including Vit D, thyroid and other stuff recommended by my doctor as I'm also overweight (my diet is pretty healthy but I don't exercise much). I am vegetarian but I'm going to start incorporating fish into my diet.

@4201 Good point. I feel like I'm trapped in this loop where nothing means anything, I can't enjoy anything really so why bother even to live. But dying is pointless too and things could get better, though I'm doubtful. My girlfriend told me I never developed a strong sense of self or achieved what I wanted to, so I've gone into spirituality to solve all my problems. Maybe instead I actually need a stronger ego in a way, to restructure my life, get my financial situation sorted out. Thanks for the advice on therapy, I'm going to see if it can reveal any patterns about why I have such low self-esteem and other issues.

@Jacob Morres thanks, I could look for someone like that here in the UK, or online through Zoom.

@kag101 Yes, I doubt psychs would be a good thing for me, at least at this stage in my life. I'm practicing mindfulness more than formal meditation. My mind feels burnt out from focusing too much. I feel exhausted overall, my head hurts almost constantly, like there's a ton built up pressure (that alone contributes to the suicidal thoughts ("I have to release this energy but I can't", "this is too much to handle", etc.).

@kag101 No, I smoked weed for a while in my adolescent years but it just made me paranoid. Never done psychs.

@AtheisticNonduality yes, I think you nailed it there. I can't feel or find the love in any of it. I'm wondering whether I need to dig deeper, or just stop trying to find it for a while, then maybe it will arise in its own time?

@Abdelghafar thank you.

@Preety_India Well, I'm not having any visual or audio hallucinations. But I find my mind goes into overdrive and start feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trapped behind a veil watching my life, which could be described as depersonalisation/derealization more than psychosis, I suppose. Maybe extreme anxiety leading to paranoid thinking/dissociation. I just feel like I'm on a ride that I can't get off, and it's getting worse and harder to function. I'm also getting a lot of intrusive thoughts. I feel like I'm a dead world and I can barely feel my body. My heart feels empty and numb.

So it feels like I'm developing psychosis (maybe schizophrenia) after a prolonged period of depression and anxiety, which like it's been made worse by deep meditation because I feel so ungrounded and unable to integrate my experiences. I feel my mind slipping away and thoughts are getting crazier. The symptoms are getting debilitating and it's progressively harder to "act normal" around my partner or family. I sometimes feel like my body is almost shutting down (walking slowly and muscles seizing up). What sucks is I don't have the means to just go and live by myself, I'm dependent on other people for money which means I have to act "sane" and be able to perform work. I'm starting therapy tomorrow but I'm not sure it will help, I have been prescribed and and considering taking an SSRI to help "stabilize" things. I guess my worst fear right now is that I'm heading for hospitalization and a life of mental illness and being managed by other people in a system that seems inept to deal with it. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here, as it seems things are too far gone for me now, but has anyone else been in this kind of situation or similar? What helped/got you through it? Sorry if I didn't make some things clear, I'm having trouble thinking straight and struggled to type this out, but I really appreciate any replies.

@Matt23 @Matt23 @BornToBoil Hey I found this channel and thought it might help you. Gave me some peace of mind at least for a few moments.