at_anchor

I din't get enough sleep again and am not feeling well.

I think that lack of sleep causes emotional disturbances over the day just as much as stuff you are alergic to in your food. I often get woken up or am unable to fall asleep due to lights and noise in the environment. Also, in the last couple of days for some reason I woke up from sleep too early, while it is still dark, around 4AM by my myself, even though I didn't go to sleep on time.

We have a bit more expensive import taxes and as a result everything foreign is more than double the price. I hate when I don't get enough sleep and end up having sexual thoughts and then orgasms from the weakness, which then makes me even weaker. I guess the best thing to do next time I'm not allowed to sleep is to just get up and do something until there is peace and quiet. That way at least I won't lose two things at once.

With headphones you have to sleep on your back. I can't sleep on my back, because my tongue falls into my throat and it is uncomfortable. I like to lay down on my left side and kind of just have my knees as close to me as possible.

@zurew it is not just about my suffering. It gets transfered onto others who are good just by them looking at me or being near me. Yeah, I don't think I am more damaging than anyone else, I'm even less damaging, but I'm still worthless in this world and damaging. I also cause damage to bugs and animals sometimes just by staying alive. So I just cause damage to myself and others and I basically have no reason to live. Myabe suicide is much better Karma, but okaY, whatever, I will continue to live in this terrible body and house and do the best I know, but it is not gonna be good enough, ever. I think I might be poisoned or something, but will not be able to test that in the next ten or twenty years. So the pros of suicide are sometimes that you actually help a lot of other beings by dying and you make them happier.

I hit rock bottom by not being able to get what would satisfy me in this world, instead of that I got stuff that's painful. Exactly This sounds like a great goal, but I'm not gonna go after this now in an unhealthy body, surrounded by toxic people, food and water.

I am not a spiritual person and didn't really ask these questions in the past. Now that I am on the brink of suicide, these existential questions became more relevant to me. How do I find answers to the following questions... Who am I? Where did I come from? Where did existence come from as well as all these other people in my life that i don't get along with? Where are the Gods if there are any? Why isn't reality just nothingness the way it is every night I go to sleep? Why care about life when we are gonna die anyways and there is no life after this one? What is the difference between me and you? If nothing, why am I still here and why does it feel like we are different and separate?

@Yeah Yeah nice try, but it is not a good time to die

Thank you all for being so kind and helpful. I got the idea to a very small degree that something is nothing. Like an empty glass exists in a glass with water, I guess this is all just empty space. I cant have this realization without psychedelics, but honestly, if I took them they would get blamed for my misfortune in life so I won't. But sleep has very clear sense of nothingness. That is the one I am talking about. It is neither black nor white. From that nothingness sometimes dreams arise and they actually don't require more energy than just that pure state of nothingness. Nothing stops that nothingness from creating a dream, and a really good one indeed.

What is the downside? It looks like Karma is becoming a new God fearing symbol that punishes the bad. What if life is unbearable from chronic illiness caused by somethig and people problems? If there even is such a thing as a self that suffers the consequences of suicide, wouldn't you have already paid the Karmic debt in this life to some extent? Why not just go in circles until Earth grows to a high enough stage of spiral development and then you don't have to suffer as much anymore?

This might be true in most cases I guess. PS: I hope you and your sisters will see each other again. Whatever the reason may be that she did this.

@Gladius I'm glad it resonates with you. I forgot I wrote that and I don't consider myself to be a very aware person, but I appreciate the compliment. Yesterday, I was tired as well, because the night before I was not allowed to sleep on time, etc. Everyone treats me badly because of conspiracies spread by certain others who are like embraced by selfishness. They know that I am good and truthful, but the truth is of course what they don't want. Neither do they want goodness because they are selfish and bad as fuck. So that's why they want to crush me in everything and that is what I will unsuccessuly fight to correct. Problem is that I'm trying to turn selfish opponents on my side to be less selfish and stand with me against the really selfish, which is impossible. I'm uselessly abasing myself and turning them to the dark side more and more, inadvertantly. They don't care about the truth of the natter either. So they get bonuses for that. I dont know if it is true that you shouldn't drink from the devils cup in the end, cause it might just be what they need and want. It might just be useful for their survival.

@puporing I can't. I don't want to even try that, even if it actually might end up working. I'm afraid I will have to come back or I don't know. I live here and now I want not to anymore, cause I can't.

@Breakingthewall @Gladius + @everyone, yes, so, it appears slaves in ancient Rome lived a better life than me. That's fucking insane. Right now I feel terrible and feel like I wish I did not exist. For the past two days I was also feeling weak, afraid and hopeless. So yeah, my family is my enemy as well. They want me to suffer and fail. They lie, hide, manipulate, cross my boundaries, etc. It started in my childhood and now it is coming to an end. It is harder to attack someone selfish and basically evil than myself. I just have a problem with leaving my money and other stuff behind to them. It is cold here and I want to go to hell. I know life after death does not exist, but I feel this way now. Do you know any good charity organization, I know it would be terrible to basically ask one of you do you need money. My suicide is gonna be a result of society, family and a group of elites pushing me down, not this site, to be clear.

No, I can make it work here. I just need to know how to deal with selfish, manipulative people and become good with some of them in my family. I need to be more tolerant and accepting of them as well as myself and my position in life as terrible as it is. The problem is that I am lost again an without a direction for the next chapter of my life, next five or ten years. I know I am a burden to all you here, but what can I say, either kick me out or put up with me at least the way I put up with my grandpa and many other nutcases in the past, including myself. The biggest one of all

A bit sad, but true. For the most part.

In life I got hit in the head by someone with a rock and received many punches, kicks as well as a cup in the head real hard. Also, a heavy board fell on my head once. I don't know if I can blame those things for causing me to be weak now or not, cause I can forgive and forget, but deep selfish stage ORANGE/red is not letting me. Nontheless, if I did not receive these injuries and tried to avoid fights at all costs, I would be better off in life. Protect your head because it is more important than your masculinity.

Oh no, he did not feel bad and he had no remorse. He just blamed me when I did what I did and I had remorse. He would swear on my mom at night, and she would I guess do something to him that hurt him as well But I was getting angry at him for swearing at her. She allowed it. But later criticized me for it and I got demonized as well. He was a real burden. But as I said, sometimes I'd sit next to his bed and have a laugh talking with him. He was great, but a burden I could not carry, although he is not really the biggest one necessarily. There were bigger in my family. Just not so obvious.

Wounded to the point of disgust and retaliation. Easily triggered and manipulated. Like people throwing rocks at a chimp in the zoo, but very maliciously. Sometimes after you get hurt and the pain stops you can even be so excited like crazy. But then you realize what was done to you and you want just justice. Unfortunately there are many scapegoats for the shitheads. And I can't find a job on Earth that they wouldn't be able to make sure I lose from the start. So without a paycheck and money and securitY, I'm suicidal.

Yes, if I could go do that, I wouldn't be here talking to you or at least not like this in this subsection. Sorry, but I am in such a state mentally and intellectually that I don't appear normal and cannot have a normal conversation. So no one will want me around, especially when people find out where I am and come to make sure I come back. Maybe if I took a month off and went someplace else I could get my normalicy back, but that would be expensive. I have a lot to lose. I already lost enough. I'd rather die than leave, knowing that I will have to come back with even more losses. And I am not sitting or on a laptop. Yes, it is not gonna help me, but I am searching for a good reason to give up and die. Yes, I'm not behind bars, but I am not much better than behind bars either.

What are you avoiding with this activity? For me it is basically my reality, fear, people, bad food, no structure, not being able to get medical help I need, and so forth. It is depressing when I see where I am now and how far behind the curve.

@Devin yeah, one of the things I would enjoy doing is being a delivery guy or a postman. But that's impossible. Even meditation is impossible when you are surrounded by the wrong people, which unfortunately I am and I cannot change that any time soon. Maybe in the future when they die out or something.

@UpperMaster yea, but that kind of a person is so rare. Are there more subtle examples that can be described? I had a grandpa who broke hip and before he lost his walking ability completely, he was stealing my money and buying stupid stuff like flowers and gifts for people he went to have coffee with. I caught him once. He was smoking and we all worried about his health. I would take cigarettes out of his mouth when I found him smoking and hide them. When he git worse, he would stay up all night, not allowing me and my family to sleep, some of whom were always drunk. The house would smell like shit or piss often times, especially when the wind starts blowing. Life was terrible with him, not to mention that I was just a boy growing uo with his stuff. TV, music and porn was my education because of him and others. I had to change his diapers and stuff. But he had empathy. He would cry and he would talk to me sometimes in a very nice way. He was just sick and I was disturbed and stupid to come and hit his leg to make him stop being a nuisance a couple of times. But nonetheless, I had empathy. I did it on purpose because he was making noise on purpose. Nothing was needed, he just felt like I don't know.

But how do you know when a narcissist has bad intent towards you and wants to exploit you and when he just has no bad intent and does not want to exploit you except maybe your time? What if a narcissist wants you all the best? How can I know?

You are right about that. I have a couple of things I would enjoy doing, like speaking and things like that. Yes, it is one of the big problems or more precisely a result of other ones. In this world money buys everything, so it can buy my freedom to cut out toxic people, get safety, heal, live a good life and so on. But the price for getting back my dignity where I am from is enormous. It cannot change the past and get my time back, unfortunately. So France actually has a higher unemployment rate and I have a limiting belief that getting a job there is tough. One of the biggest reasons I want to learn French is to get international respect as well as a bit of local. France has international respect, but so does Italy, Spain, and Brazil. But there is somethig special about people who can speak French. That might be a bad reason to learn it. It is actually the literature that I am interested the most about France.