at_anchor

Starts attacking me at the door and open bathroom so everyone can hear, saying again how this other person goes every day to find work and I neither study nor work, but just sit at home and maltreat my grandfathers child.

Tells me that I am the only degenerate in the family, that my grandfather would suffocate me, then repeats that and says that he would suffocate me legally/with court.

Calling me "Idiot" loudly and saying bad things makes it seem like I was provocking, but far from the truth. People around will think I was provoking, others will know I wasn't and won't care, and yet many others will never even find out. So it is true, doesn't love me a single bit. Everything done for me is out of a selfish desire. But it is hard even for me to believe this. It feels a bit painful inside, my mind starts closing and doubting and second guessing and justifying the person being tired. But the person I suspect does not want me any good in life. How do I know when I get fruit sometimes?

Back home repeatedly calls me "Idiot" in a loud and abusive tone of voice, tells me that I have nothing to do with my grandfather after I said that he gave that room to this person who then gave it to this other person now, cause I was told to get out of the space we should be sharing. Obviously badmouthed me at work. Tells me that my grandfather would crush me with his legs and teach me order. Who is this person talking about? This person obviously wants to crush me trample me. The other person today also dared me and did something that I explicitaly said not to do. But I guess that it is okay. This too shall pass, however long it ends up lasting. Maybe it will be worse than this, cause life kind of gets worse, but you also kind of slowly get stronher and able to tolerate more and more pain. One day I might end up getting used to extreme forms of pain that might be inflicted on me. Right now I feel calmer which can be sensed in my writing. I'm looking forward to meditating.

Just found something I ca use in the freezer, but that doesn't mean that everything I judgmentally concluded is wrong.

I feel I made a mistake. I'm not ready to write like this. It just brings unwanted attention and prejudice because I didn't write from the start all the time. Maybe I should just let go and allow it to be howewer it is in your eyes... I wish I could let it be even though it may come with consequences when I give too much info that can be traced back to me and read and interpreted wrongly by people that are gonna interact with me in real life.

Hazelnuts baked not in any oil, but probably hydrogentated soy oil. Why else would it say that it may contain soy if not because they used soy oil?

If I knew earlier that it is so crucial to extracate myself from these people that were the cause of everything bad in my life, I'd ask myself the question earlier: "How do I get out of here?", and then have better answers and opportunities than I do now. But ignorance can't help itself. Once I realized some things, it became too late to do anything about them.

How nice? Left me a bunch of unhealthy cakes in all shapes and forms without anything else that's healthy. I wish i didn't give up on hazelnuts last night because they were baked probably with oil and contain gluten. So what would you choose if you were kind of hungry, hunger or cake after which you have really bad symptoms for days in a body filled with all kinds of unhealthy elements? They know that it makes you fat and age faster which is why they want me to eat it. And of course, they know you can't get anything without them anymore. That's how dependent they made sure you are on them. That's why you always have to let go and forget the injustices and treat them as if nothing happened, as if they didn't do anything to harm you. Oh, last night I wish I could remember the words, the long duration and the exact number of decibels used to shock me and harm me emotionally. Yet, I can't remember anything but how it made me feel and even that I discount because what can I do?

What they ultimately want is for me to be ostracized and harmed by other people, cause in this world the only thing that matters is what other people think of you. They want to separate me from everything in life to a point that I suffer so much that I wish to die. To make it harder. To implicitally harrass me. This is their targeting me so that no one can see, except those who want to join in. Their words never will get used against them, their actions either. But mine will be used against me, and actions as well. Slowly building up this heavy burden in my life to the point where I'm better off disappearing out of sight, to the point that everything I do they can exploit and yeah.

So not only am I a loser, but a loser that loses more and more rep all the time. How easy it is to take it from a foolish and naive character like me, while probably giving false compliments or something. Behind my back, a gray picture is being formed in the minds of others about me. People will have so many false facts about me in their minds, I'll be ostracised from society completely all the time, and it will be hard to survive then. How can parents want their own child to suffer and ultimately fail in life, to commit suicide, to take away everything from it, to basically leave it with nothing, abuse it while making it dependent and then it basically really ends up the way they want it to end up. I always second guess myself, oh they must love me to finally let me sleep, but then it dawns on me that me falling asleep was beneficial for them to operate further, to harm me more. Of course I care about not being harmed physically, emotionally and socially. If I allow them to keep harming me, forgiving, why not just commit suicide and give them what they want straight away? Why suffer even more and help them grow at the cost of my life that would be a prolonged misery, because it is like they're eating me alive. Maybe I am just imagining this, but it could also be said that I am imagining that they are good to me when they are not and that they love me when they don't and that they care about my wellbeing when they do not.

Leaves with him while I sleep and then complains about me at work, how I didn't give any sleep and how he is so nice to give a ride to work, how thoughtful of him. How thoughtful? He was called to do so and gladly did it out of benefit.

@Someone here also, the Bible is full of just inaccurate stuff. It's so far removed from my life that it's useless.

I'm not into their versions of truth which differ from each other significantly. I'm not able to become religious, I'm sorry. It's just not gonna work for me.

No, if he is separate from me and wants me to worship him, he should make me worship him. Cause I can be angry at God if things go bad. I'll certainly blame the omnipotent being for it and lose interest in being a minion. Not to mention that there is no way I'll believe in heaven, but in hell on the other hand, now that is hard not to believe in. What makes it so that this hell won't turn into another one after death? I'm not gonna dedicate my life to a God that might just be an illussion or I don't know. I guess I'm an atheist then. Maybe Buddhism is then the perfect religion for me, precisely because I would have no God to get angry at.

What if some religions are better than others? What kind of higher power? I like the statement that all religions are mental dependancy. We could read and study them all like literature of various countries, although I would have a hard time trying out a prayer in Arabic, or maybe not. Can I be an agnostic, cause I don't want to be an atheist? I know that there must be some kind of intelligent being that has everything it needs to create a world like this. But I don't want to worship it. I'm not sure I can accept it fully, cause if it is responsible for all creation, there are some things I'd tell it I wish it never created. How can you trust such a higher power? Maybe you mean to believe in a higher power but not know what or who it is and so not get affiliated with any religion I guess. But why meditate if you're not a Hindu or Buddhist? Etc. And certainly not Buddhism, okay. What about psychonautism? Religion of psychonauts? Where are their temples? They should have at least two.? I guess their temple would be something like a forest or camp for retreats. But it would be nice to build an awesome looking temple and make this a famous religion around the world if that is how you get to know God. This makes no sense to me either. Yeah, God is one, but it can have children, right? We are like little baby Gods that cannot die and get reincarnated over time... I don't believe in this, just saying. This is absurd. But you know, since there is nothing outside God, inside him,I don't know. It's hard ro believe that this moment with all its contents has always existed and just keeps on repeating itself and popping back into awareness, stored in some Godlike space or nothingness which is everything that exists and ever existed. What a weird thing this home is, this plant is and that tree is. Makes no sense. Call it God, a tiny part of God, it still makes no sense. How do you experience the whole thing? It appears God is just anything and everything that ever was, will be or could be. But why care about God and worship him through Quran and a Moswue if he's just everything? I guess there is some wisdom behind it.

What is this technique of letting go? You identify where the feeling is in your body, you relax the body? You actually have to be in a pretty good circumstances of abundance to let go, and id you're not enlightened, the way you're gonna let go is with letting go of your life.

Is it possible to let go of ever having sex in life in spite of the urges and still approach death without feelings of regret for not having had sex you needed? I'm putting this in the mental health subforum because repressed sexuality can lead to mental problems and also mental problems can lead to your inability to get anything done in life as well as to be unattractive to the opposite or same sex...

Wouldn't you just love for someone trustworthy to tie you up, discipline you, make you study hard aloud, exercise talent in a place without distractions or if there are any, he removes them and cuts through the chase like one of those Chinese Zen masters who can transform you and turn you into the best version of yourself with harsh discipline? That assumes the person wants to do that.

I wonder what you guys think of sex with people that are much older than you, I'm talking about even uo to 40 years older, then about bdsm and most importantly what do you think about dicks? Aside from potentially carrying STD's, aren't the dirty? Are some dirtier than others? What standards should I have for men to meet in order to be allowed to come inside my mouth or something?

I would love to, but I can't find that and everything that I can acomplish has already been done before. Plus, when it comes to building a talent and a living from it, I'm stuck.

I want every day of my life to be good, but those days are like almost non-existant in life.

I cannot cut it off, I'm a prisoner of this environment to such an extent that it pulls me back when I try to leave like crabs in a bucket. I'm also so unwell now and don't have any options that I basically cannot move and fit anywhere else to survive. So many problems with creating a better life for me that it seems virtually impossible. Yet if I stay here any longer it will severly damage my health to the point of no return. I wonder maybe that line has already been crossed and now there is no turning back. I wish I could leave and become free and secured from these crabs, but I cannot. The places available are unsuitable for me now and were even worse in the past, with some additional better people around. I really should get out of here immediately but I can't. Like a person caught with sharks in the water cannot save himself.

Sex and romantic connection is very important to me, I can remember that being the case like always. Problem is that I cannot let go of this need which I shoukd let go of cause I guess other more basic needs are also not being fulfilled.

That sounds kind of hard atm... I mean, I could imagine a life without sexual orgasam being kind of empty... What else is as enjoyable as sex? I can't go travel, do martial arts, dance, music or something like that. The problem is that I feel like I cannot let go of a biological need for this sort of physical connection, at least not until I have an amazing threesome a couple of times or just amazing sex a couple of times with someone really special. You can't be happy in a position of a wounded slave in an abusive relationship that angers and depresses and shames you so often, relationshios that rib you of everything including your health. The only pleasure someone in that position can hope to have is in the end just some really bad or humiliating sex or someone taking control of you.