at_anchor

I'm not stronger than most people. Sometimes you're just brought down so much that there is nowhere to go but down completely. These people are stronger than me and are gonna get what they want, so there is no point in procrastinating it. Injustice and tragedy are a part of this universe, so I can't really move on. Self-destruction is a trap I'm lead into and treated like a fucking animal by those psychopaths I can't take it anymore. Lost hope and strength. Lost ways to explain myself and they end up getting people, offices, resources which they even got before. There's just no way out of here. It is like a part of Dune when that fat monster attacks the helpless colony in the night.

If anyone's interested you are welcome in reading about my daily bore while on a journey to healing, growth and love, and you are more than welcome in commenting and conseling me on this journey in here if you wish so. I'm not sure that I'm 100% serious about this, but I could end up writing a lot here if I open my heart enough.

No way I'm gonna learn math and physics using these resources. I know arithmetic, but not algebra and further on from that. Maybe Khan Academy is the best after all and I should give it another chance to teach me math and physics. Programming naturally follows I think, but first I need that in my mind.

@effortlesslumen thank you so much, I will test the sites and see if I can learn science there. I feel this is gonna be it, but we'll see. ?

Study for some reason is painful right now. I could turn on a computer and look for a course in physics, I could open any book and read it, maybe even go buy some, but it repulses me, the sitting, the room, the sounds around me, including a buzzing sound in my left ear (I might even become deaf), the papers, the lack of energy, the desk, the chair, the walls, none of which I like. Lack of rest, maybe some heavy metals or allergies to certain food, lack of exercise, and most of all people around me just make me sick of it all and so I cannot be motivated to do this.

@museumoftrees right now I don't think I know how to motivate myself intrinsically. But the extrinsic motivation to get smart, I don't know if it works. No one can regret getting smart. It is like saying you probably won't regret getting rich, because getting smart is like getting internal material wealth with the help of external circumstances of course. Thanks for the replies, I'm just disinterested. Now, I probably wouldn't be in certain cases, but that's not likely to happen in my life.

@Matt23 I don't want to do that from this place in life. It's kind of not possible. But I would like to imagine having a beach house (to exaggerate) or a boat for myself where I can gather books and make, pictures, blackboards, and make the environment nice for learning this hard stuff, without any distractions like people or health concerns. I'd like to wake up on a sailing boat, meditate, exercise, take a swim and so on, after all that, this would be easier... it would come naturally. After meeting some basic needs and desires higher ones become more relevant, ♡ So right now no, I don't find it enjoyable and I just believe it would be something good to do and something I should do... As for making a drawing or even better, a painting, this would be enjoyable even now. But making a video, creating things, going on adventures, traveling, exploring, socializing, all this is joyful, but not more meaningful objectively. All of it is enjoyable, I'm just not allowed to do them by my economical and political realities.

I have no idea how an electrical signal makes a magnet produce real fucking voices and sounds. I also don't see how the screen works. Transistirs are like wires connected to mini bulbs called pixels, no? I mean, can't even understand how sound and picture is produced, let alone how memory is stored for use.

@Thought Art yeah, I know the company, but they are far away, the sample case would pass through many hands before it reaches American soil and even there before it reaches the lab, plus I don't even know who works in that lab and would they sell out and fake the results (but that's unlikely. They are like Bob L. kind of people probably, and he is very trustworthy). I'm worried about the sample being switched before it reaches the lab basically. But there is an additional problem which requires that I get a doctor to order it for me, cause outside the US of A, you don't get the option to order it by yourself.

Hey, I was wondering do you guys have any idea how to conduct a home heavy metal urine test? There are no labs around me where I can go to get a comprehensive analysis so if anyone is from Europe and knows labs that do it like Doctors Data and are available for foreigners too, please leave a link.

Documentaries are cool and I appreciate that. Just have to watch more of them

Today I'm grateful for nothing, not even air I'm breathing.

Yesterday I was grateful for finding out that my idea to travel to South America is not a good idea after all. Last night, through tunnels of a building across the concrete field, I saw many cars passing by on the street at 2AM and wondered what the heck are people doing at these hours? Luxury and so on.

Even in Islam? Cause as far as I know, they don't have any imgase of God.

I'm actually very grateful and enjoyed reading your posts, but my feelings at that particular moment were such that I felt fearful and so I contradicted you. But I haven't changed my opinions since. I'm gonna stay put, because that's my prerogative, and that feels like the right thing to do, even though that means losing a lot of opportunities for growth and happiness. I actually don't have a ppace to stay put and my circumstances are extremely unfair and limiting. I don't know if it's dangerous physically. It is dangerous to my finances and what other people think of me. I can't travel even though I could, but for a very short period of time, like a month or so and then what? Come back to this shit hole with absolutely nothing in my pockets. That's very dangerous.

Primary: 1.1 Secondary: 2

What makes a grat man? His social circle and family also make a great man! Without a good social circle and a family that loves him, he's fucked up. Also, luck plays a huge part. Luck makes a great man. But for someone to be called a great man by me, he would have to be much more than just the above stuff I mentioned. Of course, sometimes such great men or good men aren't recognized, other times they are called saints. Great men for me are good men. Good men are men that are really good. I don't know, it's hard to say.

What makes a great man? The size of his dick, his height, the size of his bank account, his life experiences of course (!), genetics play a role, also "good for who?" has to be asked "his collegues on Wall Street or his customers and world at large?", his sexuality also plays a role, then there is so many other details, like how strong is he, where is he from, what does he do for a living, is he cheating on his wife or someone else, is he a liar that harms others or someone that wishes everyone the best, is he saintly as a rich person cause he definitelly cannot be as a poor one, etc. I'll add to this list later on...

Yeah, I've noticed different taste of oranges when I traveled to another country and also different tastes of chocolate, chicken breasts, potatoes, etc., yet I cooked it the same way... No way I'm traveling in my country like this. It is dangerous as hell for me at the moment and in my circumstances, so not a good idea at all. I seek to leave this corrupt shit hole as fast as possible, cause you can't survive here as a weak, poor, wounded person, etc. Not at all. Ahm, I need to get back into a comfort zone my man... I wish I could travel but there is just no way. Travel is a luxury, actually. It's a big luxury that I'm never gonna be able to afford and embark on. Yeah, I have some money, but my birthplace has chained me so much that I can only travel to the top first world countries to become free. Nope, it has nothing to do with these ideas but with my society and certain people from it.

Culture is closely interwined with language and if you can't communicate with people there, then what's the point? Except if you don't get a personal translator... not a translating app! Good analogy. Anyway,I don't want to go anywhere either. If you asked me, I'd stay in my birth city forever if things were better for me. But China and most other places in the world I would gladly travel to if I had more money. Again, the priblem is: why travel there just to see a culture? Ou can do that online, type in "Tour of Beijing" or something like that and there you go... You can also google puctures and stuff. The only problem is not being able to experience the landscape... But travel for food? I'd rather stick to their grocery stores than restaurants.

https://www.wofs.com/kua-number-calculator/ I used this calculator to help me figure out my lucky directions, but they are the opposite of what Chinese Zodiac says that my lucky directions are. But the bigger problem is that I cannot figure out where exactly North, South, Southeast, Northwest are. From a relative sense, I am both North, South, Southeast, Southwest, West and East. So how do I figure out the best place to live based on these directions that are so abstract? It says that for me HEALTH is somewhere west.

Give all the reasons why never to buy sex in life? I think that it is exploitation of power/money first of all.

It might be the case that you can find out more about God by reading literature from around the world, than focusing on one of these religions, with the exception of Hinduism and Buddhism. These two are the best in the world, because they focus on experience and growing consciousness. However, I don't agree with their ideas about afterlife, and it is also hard to see that we are just one God. Yes, we are one consciousness that expresses itself in different ways, that we are, but then again, inthe dream reality made of consciousness, it is hard to not see the difference between people and animals. Or are we all just animals of different forms? I want to ask what do you think is the most complete religion of all Abrahamic religions? Christianity in itself kind of includes the teachings of Jews as well, what about Islam? In what ways could classic Sunni Islam be said to be better than Christianity? Also, please let me know what do you think about Christian version of God? How did it come about? How did people start believing in post mortom spirituality, in heaven, hell, and the likes? Do Abrahamic religions have any pros and benefits over Eastern religions or better say Eastern sciences of consciousness? Where do Buddhists get their teachings from when they don't have any holy books? In what ways is Buddhism better than Hinduism? Just a couple of examples. Do you really create bad Karma by drinking cows milk, especially today's versions of factory farmed cattle products? How is Karma weighed? If reincarnation is true, than Nazies are now hungry people in Africa, right? If you can answer all these questions and improve my understanding of religions, it would be great.

Why can't I fight back? Why do I have to allow maltreatment of myself, hard core humiliations and provocations and manipulations? I guess because I really am a poor and pathetic idiot, a loser.

Knows that I type stuff online.