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5. April 2023. Hot dogs with persley and mayonaisse Cheese and baloney Tap water No vitamin D3 for months nor anything else Bananas and instant oats

It is better in hell than it is with them. They can have everything, whatever. If there is reincarnation I wish I get born to parents who are stage Turqoise or something and i wish I find this site. I don't have the option to stay with it anymore.

I want to leave life today.

I don't have strength or option to leave and go to germany anymore.

It's like if I have an opportunity to do something for my own good it gets taken away from me and I get called crazy. Then manipulated and so forth. It is real sad that I can't just leave this life that everyone wants all the worst for.

Doesn't really mattee if I care about my well being or not when others want me all the worst. I wish I read this book earlier in life. It explains how speaking a language is not enough.

4. April 2023. Oatmeal with basically pure sugar juice sausages and soar chilly peppers Cheese Tap water

I forgot to write so much. So much. There needs to come a time when I will let go and get out of this nightmare. That time might come any time now. Where would you go on a vacation if you had only one month more to live?

A couple of causes of my mental health breakdown could be: Toxic relationships or devilish people that wasted my life with distractions and made me complacent, etc. Devilish people that took advantage of that. Chemical imbalance. Meat, gluten, dairy or something from the water. Might be poisoning. It could be my fap addiction that I can't stop again from a depressing reality. Maybe lack of hope basically, cause you can't stand against many powerful and intelligent people who want to destroy you. Maybe shame and guilt and just this kind of anger sort of stuff. Like, I'm feeling pretty damn bad. I'd call the hospital if I trusted that they could help. There really is no way out of this misery than basically dying. It is basically all because of the people around me, 99% of it. All my mental and other problems are caused by that alone. If I had an apartment in Luxembourg and worked there, things would be so different. I'd be a completely different person. But what can I say, I have to stay afraid, angry, ashamed and so forth for the rest of my life because that is where people around me are pulling me down to. The stupid war makes moving away so much more difficult. It makes everything so much more difficult. I literally lost my health almost completely and my freedom is also almost gone, as well as resources and hope. Have to come to grips with a fact that this life cannot ever turn out different than it already is, better in any way. And that is kind of hard. All good people have lost faith in me, lost I don't know what, because the bad brought me down so much. So I guess just another fatigued day without energy, with tinitus, and so forth. Till death sets us apart.

I'm afraid I can't take any steps to change it from here on. My health is crippling me, my rights and money are very tight, safety too, it is not good.

Am I havimg a reaction to anesthesia?

I always put on a personna in public of you know, being proud, holding my nose up or just like "you can't hurt me, it doesn't hurt. I can withstand it all. I don't care." But when I am closed behind my doors I do not appear like that at all. I appear weak and trapped. I wish I could be authentic outside like I am when no one is watching me.

I nees to vent more. I will create a journal for it. Today I was going back home with a bus and right on the next stop after I came in there were two officials that came in and stood next to me. Very intimidating. One was beautiful, other was not. Both were brainwashed against me. Didn't leave till the bus came to its last stop. After that I basically felt so bad I decided to go into a second hand book shop and buy a book about "Philosophy of history" which was the only available from Hegel. It will make me just appear smart, but honestly, it neither sparks joy in me, nor can I read it with this stress level and health problems. I just got fucked up more today. This was an unplanned fpr accident and buying this book out of a kind of I don't know. I just can't read! I can read forum posts from you, but books I just can't. I don't know when. It would be a shame to not read this thing now that I bought it.

Exactly. When I can't sleep, I end up fapping. When I am tired, alone, frustrated and so forth I just do that. It is an addiction I have left from my childhood and it comes from basically a lack of purpose and a terrible lifestyle with a lot of unmet needs, or I don't know. I had some success twice with no fap challenges going over a month and so forth, but in my current circumstances, I can only lock it away.

Anyway, I'd really like to get out of here alive. It is so disgusting and unbelievable that I cannot accept what fucking fool I was all these years. What a fucking fool. The better you are the more easily they exploit you for their own purposes. The more stupid and the lower self-esteem, I mean, Jesus Christ. I'd die now if I knew there was another life, just to get out of here to a better place.

I'm kind of astaunded at the devilish and so selfish nature of people around me. They get away with it all and make me appear like the devil. They rob me and don't let me have basic necessities for life. I rott away like... @Pure Imagination Are you sure people on Earth siffer like hell? I just see them enjoying life like heaven and badically being sadistic towards me and others.

Ppl around may be toxic and harmful for me, but nobody is gonna believe that it is that way and not the other way around! Everyone thinks I am toxic and lying and so forth. I can't escape the injustice in any other way than by death and this trying is ultimately gonna prove meaningless. But I advise everyone reading this to turn your attention away from this thread and go learn French or some other language on Pimsleur. Go study math or do something that's productive if possible.

Wow, it is really true that when you tell someone to not do something they do it. I got more views on this thread than other two. I wonder if it has anything to do with that. @Pure Imagination I don't feel like hugging in the state and stuff I am in. I mean, I might want to hug, but to get a hug, no thanks. I wanted to fast today, but I failed and kind of feel even worse now. So you can let me send you a hug if you want one. I don't remember the last time I wanted to be hugged. I just remember wanting to kind of die, go to some place where God would tuck me in a nice clean bed with some teddy bear and let me sleep. I would like to delete this thread to be honest. It makes me feel embarrassed and like I'm not doing good by allowing it to be here for you people reading it and for the site as well. Can't analyze it now, but if it is creating a bad environment here, please tell me.

@Pure Imagination i am sending you more than love. You might ask what is there more than love? Right. Well there might be different forms of love. There is admiration, you can even fear someone you love sometimes, and so on, there is brotherly love and motherly love and fatherly love. I guess I am sending you brotherly love. Brotherly love with a big L... You'd probably tell me better keep your hugs to yourself if you saw me, but I'm yeah. It's just that I probably can't deliver on what comes with saying you love someone, so sometimes I feel it is wrong to say this.

@Yimpa I don't have a fetish for that at all. At all. I don't have it at all! I feel repulsed by it. Maybe I had it in the past, I can't remember clearly. I doubt I knew what that word stands for.

Thanks, I appreciate it but when someone starts sending me love, sometimes I can be like a feral cat about it and, "Oh no, not again."lol. Now I have to send it back, but I don't know how to love back. I am not sending those hearts. I have an aversion to that or trauma. Sorry.

@Pure Imagination Okay. I hope I am not gaslighting anyone. If I am, I am doing it unconsciously without intent and if I am told how I am doing it, I think I would look if I really am actually gaslighting anyone. But I know others gaslighted me and still do. If I had the means to get away from a relationship, I wouldn't be here, and a support group is kind of the means. I'll try my best, but I doubt I'll be able to surround myself with amazing people that are decent and you can lean on. Many reasons for it that I'm not ready to go into here and open so to say a whole can of worms. Yes, some of them appear to be unwell because of the consumption of alcohol or some other addictive substances, but even they don't appear to be in hell, to have remorse, let alone to be in some kind of pain from it. I trust you that they are living in their own personal hell, but that kind of suffering they go through is nothing in comparison to what others go through. Some of them probably don't even suffer at all. It's hardly possible to suffer when you can have anything you want.

Which elements aside from Mercury, Arsenic, Lead, Copper, can enter your organs, stay there and cause trouble over the years? I don't see plastic anywhere on this periodic table, yet I heard that there aren't any chelators for it. Are there many other compounds aside from plastic that can cause you failure in life and basically worsened condition? Reading and living has become so hard for me for a while that I have a good reason to be concerned about these things. Health is like the foundation amd if you ruin a mans foumdation, everything else crumbles. Well, maybe society and people and love and luck are also some sort of a foundation for health. Otherwise people who don't love you use your ignorance and their power to basically deeply harm you and get away with it.

Those closest to me have hurt me the most, of course someone else might have contributed to that, but the selfishness and evil in them I have denied to myself for too long out of fear of losing and here I am, losing. Forgiving has done nothing for me. Waiting as well. There is no right time. The closest to me have backstabbed me the most and I just kept quiet. I didn't have any other option, I didn't know any better. I wish there was hell so that all bad people pay. But those are childrens stories. In reality they never do.