at_anchor

I can't even do good for myself with that money.

Nope, there is nothing I can do for society with a thousand and a half bucks.

Me: a petty thousand and a half dollars maybe at most means nothing whatsoever.

Me: You know what? I'm just gonna leave it all behind. If they robbed me of tens of thousands and even maybe millions of dollars, why would a few thosand be a problem? Him: Right to the point.

Me: Where should I donate my money? Where? Him: To some environmental organization that is trying to save whales or other animals from extinction. Me: Where am I gonna find that? Him: Try googling...

Him: Why are you afraid to speak against them? Me: Because they will say that I lie, gossip, they will manipulate me more, it will hurt so much. They are so evil and they have it all. Him: I am sorry for your situation. It will be okay. You will basically be going together with many others dying around the world from similar reasons. People die. People die in war as well as when there is apparently no war. People commit suicide and no one knows why except those who made them do so. They just do and they can't explain it.

Me: You are a horrible God. What do you have to say for yourself? Him: I already told you, let me speak. Go find what you are seeking for and I'll do the best I can to help you and guide you to the right people. Me: I don't believe you. You are lying. I am afraid that you cannot do anything to protect me and you won't do anything actually. Cause you don't exist. You are limited to my body and you cannot control anything outside of that. You have a hard time controlling even my body. Him: What do you want me to say? I am sorry. If you don't like the world the way it is, the way I made it, you are free to leave any time you wish. Although maybe you might be prevented from leaving in the future if you stay a bit longer by people in order to make you suffer immensly. Me: Yeah, well, then it is better that I leave, isn't it? I want to give money to this site, I want it to grow and become famous around the world. But me giving my money to it before suicide might just leave it in a worse state. What do you suggest I do with the money? Him: Ask about charities on the forum. Ask about that. I just have to tell you that if you left your parents other people would come after you to make sure that you have no option but to return home to them and then you will again feel this way. Come to me and everything will be fine. Me: Yes, I know that. Thank you for reminding me. This world is not mine and I am too sick to fight for my rights. They took the world and everything in it. All the knowledge and wealth is theirs, now all they have to do is take care of their enemies and I am one of their enemies. I wish you avenged me, but you can't if you are gone after I die. Him: You'll be fine. Don't worry about that. Everything is gonna be fine. They won't go unpunished. Karma has its ways. Me: But I don't believe in Karma and this stuff. Reincarnation is a fairytale. Him: Where do you want to go in your next life? It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, you'll either be sleeping or going somewhere else. Me: Hmm... I, I want to go exactly where I am now! Just in such good circumstances that I don't have to leave.

Me: Okay, okay, okay. But this is serious stuff. People want to do bad things to me and they really have the means and opportunity. I don't think this is a game. You should get serious and transport me to reliable people, tell then everything, check my health and heal me. Him: I can't. Me: But you are God, one and only. How can't you do such an easy thing? Him:

Me: So God, I am gonna pretend that I am you and I will put words into your mouth. Okay? Him: Go on... Me: So I will pretend that I am you and that you are talking to me. Is that a good idea? Doesn't that sound a bit crazy, like I am talking to myself? Him: Yes, it is pretty abnormal. Me: Yes. So anyway, what are you doing? Him: I am playing with you, silly!

7. April 2023. I just ate two sandwiches with soar cream and persley. This persley is magicaland so fucking refreshing even when eaten with bread! I also ate baloney today as well as some cabbage earlier on. And bananas. And very greassy fried and salty peanuts that contain gluten 100%.

Me: So Beasty, I guess you're gonna sink my ship very soon, and it's me alone standing on it somewhat like captain Jack, but I'm not that good. He's really funny and smart. I could have been that, you know, but you didn't allow it. So anyway, you allowed for me to be poisoned, traumatized, framed and condemned. You took away every chance for me to heal and survive. You locked me away with all of them. Was that even you? Him: Me: Yeah. Anyway, prepare to open that portal for me, cause I'm gonna jump through it and get out of here. Hopefully someone is waiting on the other side. Him: Me: Are you like dumb or what? I begged you all my life, I prayed to you and what prayer did you listen to? None. You didn't protect me. You didn't care about me. That's what it is. I remember very well one night of imagining your son Jesus, praying, crying and all. No problem. I get it, you have biases and you probably loved my mom and my dad more. Him: Me: When I die and you decide to send me to hell, which you surelly won't be able to cause your trial cannot be but fair (and I long for such a thing), but anyway even though I know that on your trial i will be proclaimed innocent and rewarded with heaven if there is even such a trial, I still want to say if I end up in hell, just keep the people away from me. Give me a cell to sit in for infinity away from anyone and you just get out of my sight and everyone else. I'm gonna be fine all alone if you don't drive me insane. I guess you don't need food as a spirit in the spiritual world. Him: Me: Can you say anything wise? I mean you coukd technically enlighten my mind and write something here with my thumbs but you don't. I don't care. I am gonna be with you soon and that is enough. Away from all of them. Away from injustice and bad guys and galls. Yeah. And I'll be with my family, drinking pina colada on a beach somewhere, dancing to drums, guitars and songs around fire. Him: Me: Yeah, yeah. Keep on being silent. I don't care. I'll just keep on talking.

Thank you for all the wisdom. I'm hopefully gonna get this soon and it will mean end to my mastrubation if I even get the right thing.

I remember some story about a chaste saint who declines all real sex but then goes to a secluded monestary and talks about how demons come in his mind as well. I don't want to allow demons to seduce me anymore and take away my energy, health, productivity, etc. I'm gonna be sober from now on, no fap for the rest of my life if need be. And if I can't build a career and some muscles to attract anyone I like, then no sex for the rest of my life as well. It's gonna be hard, but it is even harder being here now all tired and foggy and feeling like a real loser because people made sure I end up as one. I'm not gonna allow them to play with my sexuality and my emotions anymore.

It wasn't about me going to a river, rather me going in the wrong direction deeper into a village or neighborhood.

Two facts missed. I go out and walk, meet a neighboor that questions me a bit. Then on my way to a stop... my EX passes by all zipped up in a colorful jacket and with that hoodie sort of cap on. I look with astounded. I get inside a bus that goes nowhere near a school or anything else in the middle of the morning and a boy enters on a first stop going all the way down where I am to sit, despite having all the other spaces empty. He literally can't possibly have anything to do where that bus was going. And then on my way to a river near by I get stopped by some man who comes fast with a car. After that on my way back two men come to intimidate me. Yeah, I definitely have nothing left in this world. It's all theirs. They can so skillfully manipulate events and to my surprise are united, implicitaly telling me that I lost everything. Who? Well, some group of elite educated people that came together. I don't know every single one of them

Me: Why did you give them all the power to destroy my life and rob me of everything? To make it impossible for me to survive? Him: Me: No response again. Okay. What happens when I finally do succumb to one of their wishes for how they want my life to end up? What happens when I actually do hang myself? Him:

I'm gonna try it in the journal section. You can check it out if you want to. Kind of excited to talk to God, or myself, but honestly, I feel more like **** than God.

How do you know it's a male? I mean, spirituality is all about there only being one self, unity, nothing separate. I don't think there is a God, sorry. You might be very deluded about this. There might be enlightenment about the concept of no-self, nothingngness. But that's about it. There is nobody but you, fooling yourself that you are separate. I haven't yet realized this, I'm not dead. But I think it is more accurate than believing in a higher power or being. Like, people are so deluded that they would sooner believe and consider talking to God to be normal, while talking to aliens to be insane. I don't want to believe in God to be honest, but people keep spinning stories about Him that it irritates me a lot. I think we come from natural selection or maybe by intelligent design that is just incomprehensible and impossible to fathome, by a . . . Yeah, it is crazy, something infinite. It is just not God. Not God. Not God. You cannot talk to it and it doesn't give a damn about you pretty much. It made you just because it wanted to make you exactly as you are, no better, no worse, no richer, no poorer, no smarter, no stupider, it made you do everything you did in life. You never did anything, cause you don't basically exist, maybe, I think. I don't know, I am not enlightened.

6. April 2023. Just had my first meal of the day. I was a bit hungry and unfortunately succumbed to another trap. Deeply fried peanuts with gluten Bananas Baloney, soar cream and soar chilli peppers without vitamin C It appears like my diet returned to very bad over time. I hoped to eat beans today, but they got cooked with more unhealthy stuff so, yup.

you're right. now if only i could figure out how and then really be able to move there before I'm forever bound where I am currently in a not so comfortable place, except for lot's of unhealthy comfort foods and maybe warm showers. i appreciate the replay. it would be great there. they probably sell dmsa in their pharmacy shops but with prescriptions.

Yup, I wish i could live a healthy lifestyle. That would definitely be enough. But i can't have this from where i am. A healthy lifestyle requires healthy food, healthy and safe environment. You can't get these in a dangerous environment where anyone can sprinkle your produce with something unwanted, or your water, etc. Not to mention the money required for that and the transportation to and from a job if you can even get one... of course if you are living in a tyrannical place, an oligarchy, no way.

I can last another day. The song Hoiste the Colours was a bit inspiring. I just thought it was peace and daggers, not thieves and beggars when I listened to it.

First goes on me about something insignificant, then says: "You showed what a crazy person you are. All in written form. You can't hide anything anymore," after I said that he is not a child and just one year younger than me. Like, I am being accussed of being a chomo when in fact I want boys that are over 18 and over 20 years old. I even find my body attractive when I look myself in the mirror of a kind of darker bathroom that doesn't show all the bad parts of me, so yup. And somehow I am a crazy person for what? Wanting to try a weird fetish? For finding out and experiencing what I found out and experienced about people around me? It's stupid. And now I can't have a job, can't have friends, can't even leave. Just have to stay here like this, jerking off and wasting my limited days. Am I a chomo if I just want older folks and people say I am one, like the only thing that matters is what people say, not me.