at_anchor

ya know i would like to live away from here and to have two healthy feet on which to stand, a nice pair of sneakers to run and most importantly, a nice government to rely on to not abuse its power, be corrupt. take away my life and create falsehood around me and does stuff that sabotages me and my health and life. i wish i became a lawyer, but thag was never possible actually. and making connections with others of the same kind for the purpose of unity and power was not either.

unfortunately the sun shines on the good guys lot as much as it shines on the bad guys. it is just that sometimes bad guys get all the land and people to work it so the sun is useful to them. so it is with this site. it is just that it wouldn't make much of a difference even if it didn't, cause Sun might not be a good analogy. you can't say that they have two Suns that they can grow with anyway. but this Sun is really the best of all.

Me: You are lying. You don't love me.:) Him: Yes I do. But I am not the whole of God. I am just a part of God and so also God. So God loves you a lot, but a small part of God.

Me: Hi, are you there? God? Him: Me: Hello! Bro, are you there? Where are you? Him: Me: hello!? Hi!? Are you here? Bro?! Yo, God why can't you say something? Him: Me: Okay, man, what's the problem? Why can't you talk to me? Him: Me: Okay, if you don't want to talk, no problem. I wouldn't get any useful words of advice or anything else from you anyway. Him: Me: . . . I am waiting for you to utter a sentance. Can you say something nice? Him: Me: okay, you don't have to talk to me. I don't care. Are you shy? What is it? You don't want to talk on a public forum? Him: Me: okay. I'm fine with that. I'm gonna ask you something now..... WHY? Why you piece of shit!? I hate you. You monster. You fucking idiot. I hate you. I despize you. I would like to. I really hate you. Him: Me: I can't wait to exit your world. I hate you so much. I can't wait to just exit it. Go somewhere away from your creation. From everyone and everything you created and from you. Bastard! Him: Me: I don't want to be here anymore. You made me lose. You made me a L O S E R. Not only that, but you made people I want all the best for get nothing good. While you also made all the people I want all the worst for get all the best. You! I don't want to talk to you. You are not my friend. You are my enemy number 1. Enemy I will never get my hands on. Him: Me: What is it? Ha? Not good enough for ya to talk to? Thank you very much. You made me such. Him: Me: No problem. You know, I will never worship you. Even if you exist, I will never, ever worship you. I wish you let me go, let me out of your hold. Let me go.

Me: Dear God, I have been trying to read George Wilhelm Friedrich's book for the past week on an off. So far I came to Egypts history. Yesterday I took a shower after eating and stuff and not being able to read, and after that I layed in bed to read. it went well and I read more than usual, but I hardly can recall anything. I want to recall stuff from this book and write about it because i think it is a gold mine. it has wrong ideas of God maybe, or maybe not. Anyway, today I wasn't able to read it but tried at least six times. Any advice? Him: Take a shower again and go to bed to read. Don't be cheap. Time is more valuable than money. Me: No way! Today no way. Okay, okay, but I doubt I will be able to read after eating and jerking off. Him: Shower and try one more time. God loves you darling. God loves you very much.

@Danioover9000 thanks. that is kind of correct unfortunately. sorry for that. i have another frustration that I will go vent in my journal conversation_with_Being now. i mean I would love to get advice, I just know that advice I need is kind of technical and a lot of that technical advice, as well as oversight, maybe safety and extracation from here. that isn't gonna happen, cause I'm not some kind of a hot and famous You Tuber with abs that everyone cares for and trusts and feels kind of beneficial to be around and associate.

So I want to donate some cash. Maybe I should go look for a beggar or something. I'd love to invest in this site because I know if everyone knew about it people would start getting much more conscious. However, I think that might not be wise because I might end up dying soon after that and I don't want people to get the mistaken assumption that it has anything to do with this. It's kind of too late. If I had the knowledge and understanding I have now that is basically good for growth and education in the past, I'd probably be more successful in getting it. But now life just got harder and it is pretty much useless. Back at square one. So please let me know where would you donate your cash in society other than this site and maybe other than searching for a beggar.

Me: Am I gonna be like this till I die or is it gonna get even worse? Him: It will sooner get worse than better. Me: I'd ask in agony "But why!?", but I won't. Do you have any power to change my life for the better? Him: I am you, so I am pretty limited in this form. Me: So it is. Okay. Do you understand that the burden I am carrying, the big rock on my back for the construction of the pyramid to put it in this puzzling way, is so heavy and I only have so little strength to sustain this. How long is my life gonna be? For real, when will I die? Can you tell me when will I die? Exact date and time of possible. I don't care how, just when. I know that my mommy and daddy are awaiting that moment so eagerly. They would love to see me die or worse, live and suffer too much. Answer this question carefully and honestly. When will I die? Him: You shall die when the appel falls on the ground and an earthquake shakes the whole world. Then at that precise time you shall die. Me: You've got to be kidding me. Oh your honor, great being, tell me the year in which I will die. It is now 2023. Will I die in 2023 or 2024 or when exactly? Him: Do you really want to know the truth and not avoid finding out even if you shall die this year? Me: Yes. I want to know when I will die. Even if it is this year. I wish it wasn't, but if you say that it is, then okay. I will await my execution with some tears or fear and I guess yeah. By die I mean lose my body, stop breathing with my body and lose this body. So yeah. Him: You will die in the year: 2039 when you will be ** years of age. Me: No way I doubt that is possible, but okay. You're lying. I will never make it till that age. Him: Are you kidding me? It is so close, just about 15 years till then. Me: Yeah, but will I even be able to die then or will people prevent me and make me suffer so much? Him: No one can prevent you from dying but yourself. Your last breath will be at 6AM Eastern time and then you will be deep asleep for an infinite amount of time. Welcome to hell on Earth. Enjoy your stay. Me: How can I enjoy hell! Can't I be healthy, travel and have a decent amount of money and security? Him: Where? Me: Here! In Europe. Him: Ask the boss. Me: He already said I can't get anything. They all did. Him: Well then you can't. Me: Then so it is.

9. april fried and salty peanuts with gluten given to me again oats with who knows what inside hard yellow high fat cheese and high fat fresh cheese potatoes that are almost entirely white and terrible quality, poor nutritional value a made up porn video in my mind yesterday it was a bit worse, plus lottle sleep yesterday as well. last night i woke up when i heard my open window but i didn't go to see who was there. someone might have been. A paté on a bit healthier type of bread, but this is a low uality pate with little meat and mostly mde from oil, soy, milk, flavour enhancers, and binders. bananas

Today I ate: Two to three fat pork steaks fried in a teflon pan. Fresh and salty cheese. Oatmeal. Water. Soar chilli peppers but probably pasturized and so without much vit C, but with a lot of added sugar. Spicy and oily/greasy leftover boiled potatoes that then got baked.

@Mesopotamian i just felt that "treating workers badly" and "preventing youth from ever taking a role in the business market" were things i felt on my skin. that's all.

@Danioover9000 i don't know if there is advice to be given in my case. but simply put, people get selfish reasons to be turned against me evrywhere I go. this was not so in the past. you have these people who grew up moderately rich or quite lucky that occupy key positions in society. they are not religious or anything like that. totally immoral, but with a face of decency cause they have the power to make themselves appear like they are good. on the other hand, they have an enemy, me. with fale evidence, distorted claims of what happend, they go about, scheaming with others and making me appear like a devil or person who does not deserve to live in this world. they basically try to provocke me, i don't want to say it but also poison me (they can easily get people to give them recordings of the food i buy and then get someone to place something inside, they have access to my house so when i am gone they can enter, they stalk me and point out my mistakes and describe them wrongly so that others get false assumptions. their goal is to make me commit suicide, to leave me deprived of all men and money, to make sure i never achieve a higher or any kind of education for that matter, to basically hide he truth about themselves which i pretty much know in order to have it all. so yeah. their goal is to strip me of everything out of some sort of sadistic desire, anger or fear. i am not sure about why they hate me yet. but basically their goal is to prevent self actualization and make me appear either like a liar or fool if i start complaining about them to people and to then accusse me of malicious gossip for which i would have to pay dearly. they also want the stuff and perception of me to remain low and even lower so that i am not allowed to associate with anyone except from a place of powerlessness like a slave or pacient or prisoner. what else can i say, i don't know. i just can't do anything about it cause they are like my parents. they have that much control over my life. it is like the past just repeats itself and i know what went wrong in it to produce bad results, but now again i just have to put up with the beatings metaphorically and for real. physical and emotional abuse at the most sophisticated level i have ever seen.

Me: Why did the closest person to me tgat was supposed to love me, hate me and destroy my health and well being? Why so evil to me?

Him: If you don't want to carry the burden of injustice in this world, then die. The result is that you will lose life. You will never have freedom, but life you can have. Even if they put you in a torture chamber and start pulling your nails out, chopping your fingers, putting rats and spiders into your bed, feeding you with nothing good, beating you. You have already went through all of that. You experienced similar stuff. I know, you think you shouldn't. But learn to cope with the fact that you were given a life of fairly high levely of injustice where in order to survive you need to give up your desires for freedom, for money , for healthy food, for sex, for travel, even for a job now. Everything. The only thing you will have for a very, very long time is your breath if you decide to keep on moving through time. Your breath and your heart. Everything else you will lose sooner or later.

Me: You should have told me that they were fooling me this entire time earlier, you should have made me wiser while they still didn't have such a big hold on me so that I can fight back. Now it is too late. Him: You can either live like this or die. There is no other option. Suffer or die. Bear the burden your entire life, burden of injustice loaded onto you from birth, bear the burden of not being able to bring justice to others as well. Bear the burden of not being able to help anyone. Bear the burden or die. Me: There must be a third option? Is there a way to put the burden on their backs? Him: Is there a way for a slave to stop working when there is a guard with a whip next to him? No. He can either work or die. So it is with you. Me: But why? Why can't I just die if this is all life is about for me? What is the use when there is no afterlife anyways? It is just eternal sleep. Him: There will be no afterlife for you. But there will be life after you too. If you die, that is the burden you had to endure. It is just as hard as living with the other burdens. There is no difference. Dying is just as hard

Me: Get those disgusting monsters away from me. Give me back my dignity, my rights and punish them, you! That is what I want dear God. Can you fulfill that small wish for me? No? Thank you very much. You are so omnipotent, apparently not. Him: How do you feel? Me: It doesn't matter. You know very well that organic persley helped me a lot. It makes you feel so much better. It doesn't change the fact that people are going to rob me of everything, disgusting monsters. I'd rather be eaten by sharks than by them in these ways. And you leave me no choice but to basically either die or be locked up and destroyed over time, with a slow and painful death. But yes, my veins are Much Bigger from this herb. It does wonders. It is a real medicine. And you never give me this kind of medicine to keep me somewhat healthy. You just give me junk food and pesticides, not to mention other toxins. Him: I give you, but they take it away.

@Squeekytoy maybe I can, maybe I can't. I don't know. Probably not. I feel that there is no escape from this kind of a group that has it all, kind of like that James Bond movie with Christopher Waltz as the main villain. I just know that I can't get out of here for too long. And wherever I go, they will probably be able to somehow follow and make sure that I lose and come back, that I don't end up well. They probably have it all planned, or I don't know how they function. Which is exactly why I'd like to escape the whole world which is cheap and easy to do. Then I'd be safe from them. But then I don't know where I would be or would I be at all.

@Squeekytoy maybe I am wrong about this or that thing, but the overall theme rings true to me. Safety required but not able to get it. Psychopathic chomos with a lot of power out to get me. Dramatic to the point of having no space for myself anymore cause it is all taken and I am cornered with people that just push me down or over the line maybe. Conflict of interest and overal historic conflict. I'd like to switch lives. I'd like to get out of here because there is no place for a monkey like me in a forest full of these wolves and snakes that just follow me and want to. You know what, I sound more and more crazy as I speak, which is exactly the problem. Exactly. It is true, I am not imagining this up.

I found the perfect place to buy dmt. It is a website from Toronto. It's just hardly possible to get that though. So no way. I know sourcing is against forum guidelines, but if I am talking about it from Peru, I want to ask if there is a place in Peru that sells 5 Meo dmt so that I can go there and buy it and try it there which is not illegal, so if we can have a discussion about that here, that would be great. If this is possible of course. If not, I know where I could find stuff like mushrooms, but I don't think that's gonna help me much. I want to be wiped out of existance for a couple of seconds or minutes and I can achieve that with 5 meo dmt. I want to try this substance. I could maybe go to Peru and order dmt from Toronto, but no way that I'm gonna wait for months for it to arrive and worry that it doesn't get replaced with something else while it is being delivered. Even this might not be possible, but it would be motivating enough to try. Maybe I could go to Mexico for that, but I don't think I can get the visa. I think it is not against the guidelines to mention this in a way that talks about places where it isn't forbiden by law, thank God that these places exist after all, however riski it might be to go there, especially for me. Going there by itself would probably be like risking my life already, but it might be worth the 5 meo dmt. Again, if I am even able to make it there, which I honestly doubt that it is possible. But I have no other way. Only other way would be to, to break a law of a first world country, but I bet that is even less possible to do that than to go to South America. Only if I was able to get permission from the government, there's no other way. I think. Maybe Dutch and British authorities turn a blind eye to it, or maybe not. Dutch authorities probably do, although I am not willing to bet on it. Maybe it is safer to break a law than go to South America. Definitely is. Just, I don't know. I guess I am afraid of doing even that. 25mg of 5Meodmt in Paris would be quite a dream come true for me. OMG, it would probably be heaven next to the Eiffel tower. PS: 5Meodmt is a very clear and direct route to infinity and infinite love. Very God. How can I get it as fast as possible?

politics and/or business*

Ah, some asshole that I kissed with and licked basically, who visited me at my home where I had trouble with very armed men that are not good people, he got together with them behind my back and with a couple of key people who can basically control the authorities. Now they are trying to run me over. He pretended to not care about politics at all, but now he wants to go into it and leave his sexuality in the closet I guess. Maybe. Probably. So he gossips about me and tries to frame me for rape or something behind my back so that people can take away my rights, job opportunities and so forth. He never loved me and tried to disuade me from studying a language that made him much smarter in the first place and I saw many other clues to that. But he basically layed down on a fucking table while it was raining and wanted me to fuck him, and so forth, not once did I use fucking force and in fact he's the one who seduced me in the first place, who started it with a hug. That chomo with a little bit bigger dick than mine who didn't, didn't, didn't want me to give him a blowjob, lol Anyway, no really, I don't know why, I guess I was either too ugly that night (and in general for him) or he just likes ten out of tens or worse, he's a chomo. He is. And so yeah. Now they want to drive over me with the chariot of force in this country, together. It's probably not him. He was contacted to come on this with them to destroy me. Now I appear even more crazy because I am saying this and I cannot ever say it to anyone. No one would believe me or they would not care. As simple as that. I don't know much about the mastermind behind the attacks. They just want to sweep me under the, well, I don't know what wretched place they have in mind. Probably something unbearably difficult to handle and something, yeah, or they just want me to die or wait for my death like I am in a fucking prison, keep quiet while they grow, live life fully, take it all, remove enemies, probably. I don't know. I'd throw up from this. I'd throw up. So yeah, people want to frame me, ostracize me, poison me, drive me crazy, drive over me, lock me up in a torture chamber basically and torture me. Cause they had the luck of having resources available for finding truth and developing at least one fourth of this guys mind who runs this site, but they are not him. They are not a peaceful being. More like greedy beasts that devaur and tear apart anything they can. It's just that they are so smart and sophisticated, not needy, happy in life, that they can wait a longer time till they exact what they have in mind, slowly pushing me lower and lower.

In times of war money can't buy much. No way unfortunately, no way.

I can't buy health with that money. Neither can I buy love. Nor safety, nor friends. Nothing of value can I buy with this money.

Me: Good luck to those who are alive and in danger from my enemies. Good luck to them I say, not me. I am gonna be fine there. It is gonna be happiness all the time. You can visit me if you want to. Him: Yeah, yeah. If you want, I'll be there too.

Me: so a nice beach you say, a nice island in the pacific, some nice singer and guitarist on the island with a flower in his hair, a nice black woman to make pina colada, an orange shirt with white flowers, sunshine, air, fresh air, all this stuff, alone with these two people and maybe some others as well, walking around in nature, meeting people that are already dead from time to time if I want to. Okay, I am then going to heaven and out of this hell they created for me. I am gonna get my freedom and happiness in the afterlife. Him: Good luck.