at_anchor

@integral Yeah, but I have to learn German first for that. I'm not interested in staying here any longer. Kind of lost everything and don't want to lose any more. Germany means safety and freedom to me. I should learn that language first

it is also hardly possible to get away from here in secret and undetected.

I don't know how. I know this is really necessary, but I don't know how. I don't want to end up on the streets or worse, from one tyrant to another. I had enough. I want to change, yet I can't. I want to go, yet I can't.

@integral I want to get out now, but the best I can do is pack my stuff and travel to a different country without Airbnb or maybe I could somehow find a place there now. However, you only get this chance once and if it gets screwed, which I'm sure it will because they will higher lawyers and businessmen in different countries to make sure I come back or they won't even have to higher anyone but just somehow spread disinformation and ruin my chances. I could be robbed of my diary and stuff that I don't read but wrote. I could end up realizing that I'm just not welcome and can't stay. I'm afraid that this life is kind of a thing of the past and that I'm already one step in my grave. I'd like to think that I'm not, but yeah. I just end up being screwed over and over again. It might not be possible to do what you are telling me to do.

okay, whatever you say... my mind is not good enough, not understandig enough and not consciousness and aware enough so it bullshits me all the time. Maybe it bullshits me so well that I can't even notice when it is doing it.

I actually had crushes even before high school, older and younger, just not anything substantial. No one got so close to me and my heart as this one boy when I was too old and even though I'm kind of not too old for him now, yeah, I'm waaay too bad.

Before say anything, I just want to say that I'm not a pedophile because I would never sleep with a kid and I wouldn't even think of sleeping with one in fantasy. Yeah, when I was ypunger, I had desires for that and not that long ago as well. However, when I was a kid, I never really expressed my feelings for others except when it was encouraged by society and my peer group. I always kept my mouth shut and my feelings burried even though in high school I had my first boy crush. He was so cute and he still is. I remember one night exercising in the park alone and feeling so fucking sad that someone else is probably with him. But yeah, anyway. Years went by and I had fantasies, yet I never fucking acted on any one of them, not in school, not anywhere else. I don't know why. I could have had amazing boyfriends all throughout high school if I was smarter. Now it's too late for that. Maybe it's too late for everything actually. Today some boy was walking in front of me in the store. I felt zero attraction because he is too young and too young is kind of really not attractive in that way at all. But I felt afraid and uncomfortable because I felt he was set up to make record me feeling uncomfortable and appear like Pedophile with a capital P. No way. That is just never gonna happen. In this case not even in the worst circumstances. Now I just want to ask you what would happen if you got tied up to a bed and woke up with a 14 year old on top of you all lusty and stuff, would you get a bonner? I bet you all would. I doubt there is a person in this world that wouldn't. Yeah, you might yell and scream, and try closing your eyes and thinking of something ugly. But I think that rare are people who would not get a bonner if this happened. Maybe if you are really old and have an erectyle dysfunction, am I right or not? If I am right, why are people trying to make me appear like a pedophile when they are probably pedophiles in action? And they probably fucked the shit out of my molesters son. Ouch. I wish I never mentioned him and deleted all the stuff and mails and all. There's no bigger pedophiles than these guys that are accussing me of being one. Now, if I can admit, if this happened to me, yes I'd get a bonner, and I'd be saying with an open mouth "Oh my God, get him off or don't, I'm not sure actually. Yayck, he's popping it so good. I can't, what can I do? Fuck. You got me." However, JB for example was more beautiful as a twenty year old than a 16 year old. His 16 year old self and younger is actually to me personally not that attractive. The most attractive JB period was in his early twenties and when he was 19 as well. So yeah, you see, almost no one will admit this. I wish a boy that is angry at me was aware of this and he will be one day, even if I never tell him, which I won't, cause I'll never get a chance to.. I think I would not be able to keep my penis from getting an erection if thia happened. What about you? You don't have to answer. I already know the answer. So yeah. Just a useless post. Sorry again.

Ah yes, of course. You were either exactly this as unactualized potential in mind and now you are in awareness and consciousness or you and all of us are basically this the whole time and never stop being this. Jesus, that might mean past repeats itself exactly as it was. But that is so, i don't know.

Why can't I just be properly tested? For me to explain the cause is so hard and I have to go against a lot of people, plus mention people I don't want to. And then so forth. I'm actually appalled that I'm gonna witness my own family make sure that I'm dead and my ex and the thieves of the worst kind. If I was leaving this world behind knowing that it will be in good hands, I would die happy. But the way I'll die and the people because of whom I'll have to die is so fucking insane. I want to throw up. I want to throw up.

you don't have to believe what i say because listening to these two recordings brings back memories that make me realize that i was right all along. i was threatened a d should have gotten help, not what i got. which is basically it all being turned against me. i am so dissapointed and kind of feel sad that you will never see the truth of this place and how it operates and that people operating it are so fucking bad and should not be in power. i'd rather have history played out differently than how it actually did so that they can never...

if people accusse me of being all the worst behind my back to all people and therefore ruin me even more and also do damage to me in every way they know how and can, does that mean that my life is over and that I should basically kill myself? i think that i can't hold a job or anything else and that it's time to die basically. They trick me and scam me and gossip about me everywhere I go. It's a real pain in the ass tbh. And to add to that, my health and my finances are in utter ruin. All this and I cannot just die because I am attached to the world and want more from life. Since I was a kid I desired a better life, I just didn't know much about the world so I had the wrong conceptions. Now I see that this kid was extremely abused and that abuse just keeps coming back in new forms. Maybe I can just leave.

I trully wish I was snart enough and was a lawyer to be able to take all the evidence and say stuff straight away in court before bussiness took it all away and made me appear bad. but i would not be able to think well anyway. so yeah, i guess i have to die because i really have no other options.

if you don't believe anything i say, then that's your thing. i knew they had access to my property way before they started attacking so openly and when i became aware of their deceit. i know, i just know that i basically cannot live if my property is gonna be messed with and my emotions as well as my image and health. i know that i cannot stay alive with them. they are the worst of the worst, cruel and unempathic towards others and calculating because they basically never felt it on their skin. i don't know why they are so fucking anyway. i live in a corrupt and bad place that has people who are able to do this with their power. take away my recordings and mess with all m stuff. even my body.

and to live and let be what is, to find a job under them is first of all not safe, nor possible but also humiliating and unfair.

they've gathered enormous power and wealth at the expense of many, hiding it and obviously having access to your property. as though all those condos are not enough for them and all other stuff. it is stage orange and red mix mentality basically, whatever that means. i'm shocked to discover that they accessed my phone, deleted stuff and changed dates. to continue living, i really need to be safe from their influence. it's not a joke. nor a lie. or a dellusion. but what can you do when they have all the power and are really just like monsters that threaten you with court, a bunch of judges who are probably under the control of them and to whom you would sound crazy if you said what wretched and selfish and evil monsters they are and what they have been doing if you even get a chance to utter a word from them.

@The0Self in other words, there is no body after death, and i was basically everyone before birth, right?

so yeah, i kind of feel sick of all these past summers in my life. what a waste of time. unbelievable. i wish i went to school with you people, i'd probably have a much better existence. you'd teach me all i know now earlier in life, maybe. maybe you would not be able to. It is so fucking, whatever. I wish I could go to sleep I guess and then never wake up in this life again. No other life is good either. If this one continued and ended properly, that would be good. forgetting this one makes every other kind of meaningless i think. but yeah, it would be nice to reincarnate someplace new and go into nature in the Sun and have some fun. Just not here. Not here. I don't want to be reincarbated here in the next hundred years or so.

your past experience or mine? this is actually the case. yeah, i'd rather give it to cia, but it's not here. i actually have nothing to hide. i was never evil and i was never a pedophile any more than you or anyone else is, but god damn was i stupid and naive. ignorant might be a better word. i am not born handicapped. i think i would rather spend my life in an American prison for the purpose of being away from the influence of this corrupt secret organization with power and members who knows which, than spend it here, aware of what i am aware of. someone needs to put a check on their power and them, but also it is kind of impossible even for them. so i guess this is what i got in life, truth with a little t, but i can't handle even this one, let alone a big T one. i can't wait to go to sleep and stop being aware of what I am aware of. Jesus, my own father is a fucking... they are gonna kill me. They are gonna help him because if I say he is, and prove, then they know they are next. they are no different than him.

Get those bulletproof hammers over here, lol sorry, it is just funny because, yeah, I guess when you survive shit and still have a bit optimism aboit surviving further, you laugh at a funny thought in a dangerous situation. dangerous cause I might have to go through torture of the worst fucking kind and watch devilish humanoids spread lies and oh Jesus. I can't take it. Sometimes it is better to just be ignorant about some stuff. Maybe not. But anyway. It would hurt. I got too soft. I don't want a life like this. Lost pretty much everything. If there is no afterlife and no God, I have no one to bother me after I die, no devils and certainly no evil humanoids.

My mind is not bullshitting me about certain things. Maybe out of ignorance, but I am not deluded. When I know something from experience, I do not come up with imagined stuff neither do I lie. I might not die today, I however really want to be safe and out of the grips of these beasts. If you think I'm deluded and you work for cia, why not test me?

And not on fucking 13th and 23rd January. They knew I will be very well aware these two recordings were recorded on the same day, but they made it, yeah. So no one believes me if I ever wanted to open my mouth and tell the truth and show what monsters they are.

Oh, it was on the 4th January I know it. I have calls I remember receiving.

I thought I had evidence of the fact that I am not guilty for the fight that broke out on 4th January. I thought. Even though I ended up much worse, no one saw and no one cares. They want to put the blame on me. Why? I don't know. I guess because I am ugly or maybe I don't offer any benefits. I am only a con for people with power.

Okay. So this is clear then. This is the first and last life I will ever have. Religions and everyone was bullshiting me. In this case I really accept my death and welcome it. This life doesn't fucking spark joy!

I also remember having sex one day and recording myself afterwards telling my family member how they exploit and so forth that was drunk. It is lizerally deleted.