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@Salvijus okay, I want to take the Christian path in addition to this here, it is recommendes in the Spiral Dynamics stage red video anyway. This morning is colder so I had meditated half an hour, thank Universe, but with my eyes closed and with some thoughts. I don't know what this was, less medicine or something. I am thankfull for this one morning, but know every other can't work like this one. I don't know how to spend the rest of the day. No Bible in sight except online.

@Ulax I think I know what I need but can't get for poisoning. I am not gonna try that stuff for massages, but thank you a lot for trying to help.

I wish my Bible was this textbook, but now it is kind of late...

I am not sure how spiritual I can get with my mind that is losing its ability to read, meditate, focus and even listen.

Just no wife and children and no sex. Absteining from sexual activuty for the rest of my life. It is just that my burden will be harder than that if Jesus. Tgey olaced him on a cross and he died pretty soon after that. They will do similar stuff to me but make sure that I live for years! No one will know who had it harder, son of God or me. I don't want that. If my suffering and torture will be harder than his, then he has no idea. I can't.

But I would like to be a Catholic and visit Vatican and Israel one day as some kind of a spiritual journey.

I really enjoy this forum and I enjoyed this path, and it just has to come to an end now. I'm for nothing else but reading the Bible maybe, grace and videos is not for me. My intelligence is gone.

Sorry for preoccuppying you on a vacation! I am sure my family and psychiatrists would disagree and I am tied to them and this country like a slave now. Amazing. I just don't want to take a cross at this time because Jesus is gone, Islam is dangerous, and so Jewish religion is the only other option, but sinaggogues are rare here. I don't feel like being a religious person witgout expressing my sexual identity as well, but burrying it deep inside and hiding it in the closet. I wish I could take some path, but... I don't know whuch one really. Psychedelics are my path, but they are fucking hard to get to. Actualized.org is too, but it is hard to follow out of the West. I reached an end to my beloved journey by falling into a trap out of desparate ignorance I guess or something more. Okay. I like that, but yup, I don't like the Fathery Son and Holy Spirit thing, and I am ostracized from church I think, it is better to be a Muslim for me. Shia preferably, I don't kniw if they pray the same way. Prayer is the key to these paths I guess.

I am so tense and not able to focus on something for longer than a minute, at least not on a puzzle.

@Salvijus How do I know that I am good enough to not go to hell or reincarnate in a similar situation after I die? What does Hinduism say about good and bad? How does it distinguish the two? It is hard to do that for me even in Chtistianity. I can't study that religion, it is not available as easily as the Bible. And I wouldn't be able to study it anyway. Ah, I need a proper place and an easy job to survive and live well, and I need to be free.

I just want to post my goals here and say that I will never be able to achieve this in my current life because it played out horrible. I am being treated like a sick and worthless bitch that should shut up and obey and eat shit they crap out for me. My masters are disgusting and I have no freedom and safety from them, I'll lose even more. I feel sad that I will not live like this... • Meditate for an hour a day. • Hang out with a friend every week for the rest of your life. • Eat healthy every day and not "junk food" for the rest of your life. • Running and "Street Workout" every day for the rest of my life. • Read 300 books and extract quotes in a notebook. Read an hour a day for the rest of your life. • Travel I also wanted to learn German and move there instead of Italy, but it is harder now I guess. I want to say to someone here reading that reminds me of me to not hesitate once you realize you need to move countries or homes. Do it before it is too late and you lose everything in poverty and you get stuck in some even worse place in life. So many people moved, I should have too. Now it is too late. Pulling me down like rats in a bucket. I really wish I could have a healthy diet, exercise, and do other self improvement stuff. But I just have to let it go. All of it. One cannot be without the other and it is hard to put it all in place at once. I'm trapped here. I don't want to be tortured as well. It is just a matter of time before I stop posting here because I don't have access to the internet anymore.

It is this drug that i am taking that is making me unable to sleep and meditate and even listen to an audiobook old testament for an hour laying down and pacing up amd down the room. Nothing works anymore. I don't want to be forced to take these drugs and to lose the little freedom I have, cause it is really almost no freedom.

Oh, but of course, she never loved me. It was just pretense. An act. She never cared about me. I was never important to her. Okay. Left me alone here so that she can abandon me in a nice way so I appear worse off and after reading all she read that I wrote and doing this to me, it is really bad.

Worst part is that I have no way to die in life. That portal to death is now closed to me for good. The sea is not available anymore.

What is wrong with me? Sleep and food and exercise? What else is causing me trouble? Wtf. I will go insane i will be like a real crazy person. Life is so bad, many people proved to be selfish and egotistical.

The day was not that bad at first. I realized that I can calm down in a group of people that is good, or at least pretend to be cakned down a bit. But I am so unhappy and trying to fill the void inside. The void or remove the pain of life. Sorry for abusing this thread like it is my emotional journal. I'm here, all alone, filled with junk food, feeling incredibly bad.

Life can barely get worse than this. It is really bad. I'm kind of wishing I could escape the pain.

I can't concentrate on a jigsaw puzzle and I get annoyed or quit real fast. It makes me feel stupid compared to this person who can do it. It makes me think I'm crazy and lost. I wonder would I have been able to solve it two three months ago. It wasn't there then.

I just wish I never met some people in my life, but it appears it had to be.

@Salvijus Can you get euthanasia and then reincarnate stronger than ever to basically fight your enemies as a spirit or as a real human because they made sure you die and suffer so much out of selfishness and out of something related to ego? I just wanted a nice small home with freedom to travel and stuff, but they made me bleed out so much I can't live happily ever after. I think revenge is motivating enough for me to get myself euthanized.

Severe ADHD doesn't let me lay down and close my eyes without disturbance. I don't know what made this, but two months ago I was able to lay down and close my eyes without any problem. Now I even have difficulty falling asleep and no one will believe that I didn't have a problem with this before, but okay... Sorry for disturbing your peace here once again. I have patience problems and concentration and relaxation problems and diet and health and brain issues now so... Shiva and Brahma sorry for eating some of that cow sausage! I hope I won't go to hell. If I am, Americans will too. It will be just me and them over there, lol. American hell.

@Salvijus Thank you for this... So no eating of cows meat. How do you pray to Shiva and Brahma? Just some simple three ways. Do they forgive or is Karma just like the law of gravity? I ate some cow meat after being really suicidal because you know, life didn't go as well as it should have for me. Marxism would be a better form of spirituality for me, but it is probably also wrong. So if we are in the fifth realm and there are four more below us and 28 above, that makes me scared a bit and wanting to stay alive as long as I can to improve my ego. Is there a way to escape those hell realms fast? How can I be good if that is just to respect a fear based religion with a God that has layed down wisdom I should know and follow,but I don't know enough yet? Will asking questions create bad Karma if I can't give nothing in return? I'm interested in that, but my body is not fit for it unfortunately, neither is my mind. I just want to create a better Karma for another life if that is possible. How can a God that created all the bad stuff that got me where I am today say that I'm bad for whatever and then judge me and take me to hell for nothing? I just need to turn on an alarm, sit in nature where it is quiet and so forth and do it cross legged. Yes? For me the problem is that I can't stay still anymore and I feel so afraid and unhappy or something. Great. What are the commandments in Hinduism? Thous shalt not...? What? Eat pork? Eat chicken or fish? Lie? What? What if I know bad ppl who actually have it good around them? I like this explanation. What meat is okay to eat? Anyway, I don't want to go to hell. How do I know where do I stand in terms of Karma? Does Karma forgive the ignorant and so forth or is it just unfair or something?

Today I bought more gifts for her but she doesn't like them and removes them. The guy with me appeared on camera like he payed for it but didn't. I sometimes think I am being stalked all the time. She doesn't need me, she needs him more. I'm pathetic and stuck with family obedience that is not leading anywhere good. I want to go home, I want euthanasia. Lost everything. Now it is very hard to create anything.

@Salvijus Do you know a lot about Hinduism? If yes, I want to ask questions about it like... Why is the Cow sacred animal you cannot eat or you willget bad Karma? Does drinking cows milk get you more bad Karma than eating other animals? Does heaven and hell exist in Hinduism? What is Hinduism about? How does one try to go about creating good Karma? Who do you pray to in Hinduism? Does this prayer work? I don't know what else to ask for now.

Sorry, I won't go do that. I have fears I can't just share my email with them and stuff.