Laila

A cold shower before helped me immensely, I felt more connected with my body, breathing is still tough but you actually have the energetic fortitude to keep up the breaths.

I'm someone who has been emotionally reactive and impulsive my whole life, whether responding to situations with intense jealousy/anger/fear or through excessive affection/love/ humour. I struggle to find balance and self-heal. For the past month I have been very very careful not to let either extremes takeover and careful not to blame my partner or family for my woes. I've made genuine attempts to go within myself, create space, and become aware of my own potential to overcome whatever situation I am confronted with. I had the strangest dream last where I was completely aware that my habitual thinking was leading to imminent madness. In my dream I could see that I was deeply stuck in a constant stream of fearful thoughts and it was slowly beginning to kill me (I have had similar realizations on LSD). The feeling of not being able to escape my thoughts created the feeling of fear in my dream but because I was aware in the dream (watching myself experiencing thinking madness) I didn't embody the fear itself. So for the first time there was a separation from the fear itself. And I didn't wake up feeling completely traumatized by the experience which usually results from my nightmares. My mom has bipolar and my dad is very stage red, so its difficult to navigate this territory. Lmk if you have experienced something similar.

Why does suffering keep eating its own tail? No matter how many insights I have and meditations I do I feel trapped in the same cycle. The pain always feels worth it and valid. I keep finding myself in the same rut where I hate everyone and feel lonely and hopeless. I keep finding pain instead of understanding. I feel like there is a demon inside of me and somehow I vibe more with that demon instead of loving others.

@Leo Gura I was just asked to join a zoom meditation circle, think that's a good place to start?