Dunnel

@NahmIll let you know if need to talk to you. Thank you.

@Preety_Indiafuck it. Too scared to die anyway. Thank you. I will think about what you wrote whenever I consider it again. Edit: just forget, just had a cringe moment.

@NahmI would like to talk to you, but im not comfortable doing so when I live with other people. Dont wanna concern them too much if they hear me.

@Preety_Indiayeah so I have been suffering from OCD for most of my life. Way more uncouncious than you can imagine a normal person can be. Spent a huge chunk of my time just thinking as a matter of getting control. This would to an extent distract myself from the fact that I was depressed which is something that got more clearer when I started meditating. Ive tried for many years, but only recently has I been able to a lot more. And I have never been this miserable. This is a whole new level of terror. I can barely pay attention to what im consuming in terms of television, reading unless it actually matters to me. And now that all my activities is meaningless to me, its pretty hard to look forward to anything besides enlightnement which is inconceivable right now. I have a hard time actually feeling my emotions. It feels like im rather repressing them. Feels like im being controlled by a puppeteer. I dont really know what you can help me with. Im basically just bitching online so that people can feel sorry for me. I know that I should fix my diet, but I have huge gag problems. There are times when I can confront it and get more used to eating stuff that im dissgusted by, but other times I just get ego backlashes and go back to normal. Same goes for exersise. Been going back and forth like this for years. All I want now is peace and quiet. I dont give a shit about life purpose anymore. I basically just wanna go full eckhart and commit mental suicide. But If I cant do it mentally, might as well do it physically. I need some fire lit inside me that makes me wanna go and explore the world despite the meaninglesness of it all. Huge reason why havent yet done it is becasue I cant stand the fact that my family would have to go through my suicide. But that dosent really matter either when im dead. Im not that selfless.

@Preety_Indiathanks, im gonna say that instead of asexual now.

@Leo Guradidnt meant to report you btw, should have put my glasses on lol

Im sexually atracted to women, but I cant find something more dissgusting than vagina. What does that make me? @Leo Gura

Not sure if I understand what Leo means with immortality and Love after death. I can sort of see what he means by immortality because he claims that we are all god, therfore you cant actually truly die. I just dont understand where "I" exactly goes. Like, do I go to a realm with no form that has infinite love, or is there no councious experience. Will I remember this life when Im dead. Or is it arbitrary, since when this body is dead and there is only one councious experience. I just cant wrap my head around it.

Was wondering if I could get a glimpse of this this without doing psychedelics or hardcore meditation. And I think I do, but mostly I have no idea what the fuck you guys are on about lol. Thanks though.

To me it seems to just increase the likelyhood of you wanting revenge again when something else happens. Like an addictive pattern. You should get to a point where revenge is pointless to you becasue that is only desirable by the ego. If our goal here is to demolish it, seems kind of going against your purpose. If we suppose that we are talking about a regular person who isnt pursuing awakening, I guess it can give some relief . Thinking like this seems kind of counter-intuitive when we are talking about aquiring peace though. The beauty of high counciousness is understadning why your enemies act the way they do, so that you can forgive them no matter how painful it might be originaly.