Dunnel

@MerkabahExistential dread. Scatterbrained. going back to the same baseline over and over again. Anhedonia.

@Leo Gurahave talked to 4 psychologists. Talked to my parents many times. Tried the spiritual work. Sick of materialism. Tried suicide hotline, was hot garbage. Have no patience for my own bullshit anymore. Thanks for your videos. I might wake up tomorrow taking some sane decisions, but for now I feel pretty determined to jump off and break my legs. I know I could do more, of course. But Ive tried for so many years.

@blankisomeoneI think the biggest problem here is that you keep dwelling on the past. Whenever I will get the urge to try to think back to the past and don't act on that urge, I find myself caring less about the outcomes. I keep struggling with it of course because im a perfectionist , but what you are essentially fearing is the regret you will feel after the call is done. So if you spend the next hours ruminating about the call you will guarantee the likelihood that you will do it again. Your mind think its doing productive thinking, but is all bullshit. Trust me I have suffered this my entire life. You dont wanna continue this rabbit hole. Make some mistakes. People are gonna judge you and accept those feelings that comes from that. Good luck.

@Demeter@justfortodayWell, loneliness seems to be a experience created by god. I dont think it existed before "he" created this dream. I feel like its more infinite creativity that started all this.

@Leo GuraNo, I just wake up. I have lucid dreamed a lot ever since I saw your vid on "Life is a dream". I can try killing myself next time I sleep

Been meditating quite often now for a few months and the desire to off myself just keeps getting stronger and stronger. You could argue that I should take a break, but I cant even enjoy anything anymore. You could say im going through the dark night of the soul. All I do is distract myself from not killing myself, like browsing the internet all day. After I have meditated for like an hour the motivation to do it is even stronger. I know that this is the process of the whole spiritual work, but I dont even see a point for existence. Whenever I was happy, that didnt matter. It was actually a satisfying point of view. It was freedom. But now I almost need a reason for living or I dont see the purpose anymore. You guys are probably gonna reply with something that im already aware of, but usually when its get reminded im more motivated to get my shit togehter. Problem is though whenever I do try to get my shit together, I just crawl back like a fucking moron. Done this for years.

Im trying to imagine God where the dream state we all are in now wasnt created yet and what that conscious experience was like. But if God is in infinite amounts of worlds/dimensions right now, whos to say when it all started if its always just been like that. I have never tried psychedelics so this may sound silly but Im thinking about this in my finite mind to see where it goes.

So God has always experienced reality in infinite amounts ways? Time to do psychedelics I guess.

@Someone hereI havent read all the replies but all I can say that if you cant be happy right now like the rest of us, getting into a meditation habbit would be a good idea. It is technicnally possible to just be happy right now, the problem is that your ego is not gonna let you do that. Because to fully accept that you can be at peace right now would be super painful to your ego. This is what happened to me. All activities had become meaningless to me once I fully realized the flaw in hedonism. This is why I pursue awakening (no more suffering/total acceptence). Ironic considering that i dont accept the fact that im not accepting reality. But you just have to accept that your ego wont let that attachment go for now. So either you countinue your hedonistic lifestyle, this neither good or bad in the absolute sense, or you pursue unconditonal happiness. Just a preference of living. There is no right or wrong way of living. I hope you just get what im saying. You may logically understand it but I dont think you feel it. You dont seem to be in exstential terror. Thats what im experiencing right now. Because I had to realize that my entire life was a lie.

@roopepathanksif i ever get to talk a psychiatrist Ill mention vortioxetine just to see if it would fit me. I dont really want to numb my emotions because i already feel pretty empty to begin with. So maybe this one could help. I just want more councious meditations, been wasting a lot of time just daydreaming and clinging to thought patterns. I am still gonna meditate though without them for now, but I need some sort of hope that there is other options out there.

@sleepIll give it a shot. Thank you. @Endangered-EGO

@James123Ill talk to my doctor next week. Thanks

@James123I suffer from OCD. I have an intense addiction to thinking about everything. It gives me a sense of control. Whenever I stop completely to attach myself to my thought patters I become severly depressed and I can get impulsive and might even kill myself. I have attempted it once though even if went all in it probably wouldnt have killed me. But something need to change but trying to for years and avoided meds becasue I was recogmended not to.

@Endangered-EGOyeah I have been doing meditation for over three years now. Barely noticed any difference for my depression becasue my mind is so uncouncious. If I can get more councious, then it will be easier. I will try expermenting with it.

@Leo GuraHow do I know wheter I have heavy metals or not? I know I should be researching this but my mind is so fried that I can barely read paragrpahs at this point. Been suffering from mental illness for most of my life and been meditating for 2-3 years now. I have only had rare ocassions when I feel truly councious. Somebody has responded to me that I may have heavy metals. How does one go about figuring that out and curing it? I am asking you becasue I know that I will be able to register what is being read.

@Matt23I hope to god this is just some temporary purgatory. It got worse when the pandemic started to hit.

I literally dont know how

@kag101All I can say is that I have expirienced states of bliss during meditation, but that was temporary. Usually for a few seconds and then general calm after or abruptively gets out of it and then I get resentful for "fucking it up" whcih makes going back to being mindful very frustrating. But I might try it out if what you are saying is true. Every psychologist I have talked to recommended that I dont take meds though. That makes it very discouraging. Feels like no matter what I do I always fall bakc to the same baseline.

@kag101The thing is, is that I want to take meds for this. But the only thing that matters to me right now is to grow spiritually. Taking meds means that I esencially have given up on confronting my emotions. But if i decide that i dont wanna be a monk anymore and that Im too weak to commit to, I might as well give it a shot. My family is well aware abouy my problems. Have talked to like 4 psychologists/therapists. Only one helped but couldnt talk to him anymore because i turned 18. Was for kids under 18 only. His messsge was pretty simple though but encouraged me to get better.

@lmfaoyes. I know that this process is necesary so that I can grow spiritually but im too weak to endure it. I do sometimes just sit there for hours but spend a lot of times daydreaming its not very effective. Im considering becoming a monk. I need to just get away from technology. Im waiting that the pandemic will go over soon.

@No SelfThat has been my goal for a few months now. Whats driving me insane is that its technically possible that I can just become enlightened right now. Especially when I feel so close to getting there. Or when I feel a deep sense of bliss, but lose it a few seconds later.

@snowyowlI have been talking to a psychologist. She wasnt very helpful. Her solutions were pretty materialistic and dosent matter to me anymore after learning that you can be happy or peaceful by just not engaging with the mind for a long period of time. That is essentially only what I care about right now because all I want is some relief. The idea of a life purpose has become arbitrary to me. A desire by the ego. Even though you can probably feel like you have purpose when there is no ego left. But that is not my concern anymore. I will countinue my spiritual journey and see were it leads me. Seeing how Leo talks about love after death though makes it pretty tempting because he is so convinced that is the case after shrooming out on dmt. I cant know for sure, but he has talked about self-deception and various things related to that. I cant help but feel that he has discovered the truth. That becomes even more convincing when other mystics can confirm your immortality. So if that was true, I wouldnt have mind it at all to just die now. I am just very scared of doing it myself. The thought of hurting my family definately is haunting too. I do take suplements for vitamin d sometimes. Rarely going outside though. Hate winter. Gonna walk more outside when spring comes up, if Im still alive.

@KeyholeYoure right. Im trying to figure that out before I make the decision. Feels like Im on pause mode right now. I cant really make myself commit 100% if I dont know whether Im gonna do it or not. Need to contemplate more on it. Apreciate your nuanced take.

@EnshoFuck, you made me cry a little bit. Thank you, I feel less alone now.

@BlackhawkIf so that is the case, what is the justification for bearing through suffering. I get that if you enjoy life that you want to keep living, but for me that has rarely been the case. So fucking pointless.