caveman

Thanks for the lead. Yes, that's what I do as well, usually 2-3 books at a time slowly. But like you suggested one should try, therefore I think i'll test full-immersion once.

@SirVladimir :') Will meditate on it. *bow*

Hi all, I hoped my first post to be one where I could offer help but given the urgency to make a decision I'm jumping in here in the most concise but exhaustive way I can. You guys and girls are probably some of the few who can truly understand this. So considering the current state of world events, how would you reconcile a life purpose that is purely visual creativity (mixed media, not a conventional business per sè unless through prints, exhibitions or maybe ads) with the necessity to provide some financial security? Is the starving "artist" an archetype one must go through? My awakening journey began 5 years ago at 23. Now I'm 28. Before that - very unconscious behavior since teens: drugs, alcohol, and so on. Very stage orange-blue even small hints of red thinking (I regressed to survive). Some tears of green here and there. In between I've overcome and learned a lot by moving to another country, reading, investigation, psychedelics - going through layers of depression and delusions. Also discovered a specific creative outlet and style that in part reconnects to my childhood hobbies, which combined with what I have learned in this process really really excites me. This vision got me through everything, even what I suspect a psychotic breakout in these years of semi-isolation in a new city (a blessing for growth actually), and I feel it an obligation to share this. Was able to do so also because of a comfy retail job - 20 hours a week, that is not too demanding. I don't mind it, it's relaxed, sometimes I even get to pull out a book (a good one). Obviously I am not able to save money at all, nor plan big investments. But a hussle here and a hussle there, in the last months I gathered all the self-help material and creative gear I need to step it up. Still, the voice of this fear tainted economy, of conservative society, of the pressure to "secure" my livelihood, of getting approval of my father and family all make a convincing argument that I should take the opportunity to attend this programming course. It lasts 6 months, I got accepted and it will also very likely secure a full-time job. I have no college education but 5-6 years experience in corporate marketing/retail yet I know for a fact I never wish to step foot into an office again in my life, and the next (for sure not in those jobs). My thinking was this: would it not be smart to invest the next 3-5 years learning development, so I can secure some financial ground, and then freelance - so that I can invest more time and resources into my creative work that I'm dying to share? After some sacrifice, would it not allow me to pursue later what I want more freely? On the other hand I realize that this could stray me, or pull me again in a corporate environment that I would suffocate in. And most of all, that I would not have nearly the same time to actualize and practice as I do now. I am willing to give up pretty much everything , social life, the idea of family, etc. for it. But maybe I haven't given up on fear of failure and that is why my mind is coming up with sidetracks to save my a*s. Still, as said, considering my personal and the global financial situation, I wonder whether this might not actually be a pragmatic option, especially to ensure that I will be able to do so without money worries in the long run should no one dig my work. Some days I feel like "jumping out of an airplane without a parachute (hoping there is no ground)", literally, I don't care what will happen. Then I get crippling doubts. And around again. Would love to hear from you. Going through the LP course, love it.

At a certain point, casual dating or interacting with the opposite sex can only be a mirror to our own unexamined beliefs and behaviors and not many people are willing to accept or say this. There may be some repressed emotional stuff that you need to work through, that is blurring your vision of certain groups of people or the world as a whole. You already recognize some of it which is great. Meditation, journaling, exercising, diet - just getting your lifestyle in place is a must (maybe you do, just saying). There's material also specific to relationship dynamics but I think you can tackle this with spiritual work more profoundly, learning about ego/trauma etc. And finding your path! From there it's more about you growing as an individual and relinquishing the need to have a girl or anyone in the first place. Whenever I see someone, myself included, feeling a bit weird around a girl it's usually because deep down one is pushed around by the fear of not getting her approval. If you know your mission in life, you don't need someone else's approval, so paradoxically you're not trying to control everything in relationships. Also if you're approaching the classic culturally mainstream girl while you present yourself as anything else than mainstream, she will be more prone to dismiss you being a "cultural stranger", unless you're fully at ease with yourself around her. Perhaps I'm blowing it a bit out of proportion, but that's my experience.

@SirVladimir Watched it this afternoon. Almost teared up when by the pool he said to her something like "don't know what I've become"... then at the end I effectively teared up. Lol. What a lead, thanks. Whole series seems amazing. @North Sea Any specific self-deceptions and biases you are referring to? Any tips on side hustles to look into? As a matter of fact had a microdose of mushrooms last month that triggered the changa smoked the week before that. 6 hour trip on 0.3g. If I'm having this conversation now and doubting whether to enroll into web development it's also in part because of that. Turned my balls a little bigger, but probably still just peanut to walnut difference. Showed me more delusional aspects of myself (some good ol' spiritual/artist ego purge but constructive, not crippling with guilt as it often did).

@xxxx I see everything you've said. "Safe choice is not always the smart choice." I have two mentors, that combined could kind of give some feedback on my work but more so with the business aspect of it, which is fine, it's tricky to find a mentor for the creative aspect itself since it's so subjective anyway. Until now I have been mainly dabbling, hacking occasionally obsessing but during the March lockdown 2020 for the first time I got to focus exclusively on producing little projects, one after another, and it felt like being on MDMA all the time. And you don't forget the first time you take MDMA, so you definitely don't forget when you feel like on MDMA without taking it. I think it really helped with relieving me from apathy, it showed me that I could do it and subconsciously that life is worth living also in the outer world, not just in spiritual work. Then I assume homeostasis and ego backlash kicked in, so more inner work took place. Now I've crawled back up, fixed my diet, routine, etc. and feel pretty good, like I can give it another proper go. It's becoming clear that the only way to sustain this endeavor is if I simultaneously work on resolving shadow issues/trauma/etc. I'm also at a point where I truly understand psychedelics as the tool that they are, and not as a wishful panacea. My last experience put a lot of things into perspective and made me realize how all these worries are pretty pathetic. Still, one needs to move a few (or many) bricks manually too, so thanks for your insights as well - they've helped with that. All the best to you.

Thanks. Makes sense. May need to chill my amygdala and appreciate what I've got, not potential catastrophes. Thinking also about the self-actualizing space available if I stand still. The older I get the more I realize what a luxury it is, yet at the same it's so fundamental. Who knows when I'll get this chance again if I embark on a side career. Update OS first, then install other software.