Preetom

Male or female this could be a subtle/serious self esteem issue. 1) If someone is interested in me, then maybe I'm better than him/her. So I'll just reject them and run after someone I have less chance of mating. 2) I never got any intimate loving connection from close people( mom,dad etc). That's why I can't get close to this nice person who is interested in me. Cause I'll fuck up and they deserve better than me. 3) then there could be bunch of limiting beliefs, unrealistic sexual orientation through addictions/inattention. In these cases, the victim can't even contemplate a simple, non dramatic relationship.

I'll keep this short: The present state of mind seems to be so dominating. When you feel good or a practice session goes well, you feel like flying up in the sky. Nothing bothers you and you feel able to take on any issue head on....Until the downfall state kicks in. A pain/emotion/disappointment/bad state throws all the wisdom and motivation out of the window. All that remains is an utter distaste and disgust accompanied by a bunch of negative/self defeating affirmations, beliefs, visualizations. Yes it eventually passes but the initial shock is just too much to rationalize with or dis identify from. It can be one of the most miserable experiences on God's green earth. So the question.... How do you deal with states that arise in the present moment without getting blown away in the first place? Is hitting the head against wall miserably until I learn to dis identify the only way to go beyond this? Some people tend to have greater endurance in such situations. Are there ways to increase this capability? Any conceptual framework, practice, mindset that helped you a lot to pass through this miserable newbie state?

Thanks guys! The level of cooperation and understanding of this place is just phenomenal. Its actually hard to stick here and not do the work for long Maybe I'll open a journal here to record my journey and stuff so that newbies after me can find some concrete and real info on the work that's necessary.

@Ilya There is this video of Maharaj that everyone shares. I haven't watched it. I am reading his book "I AM THAT". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbOvjBchKkg&t=3998s What I'm finding through my own experience is that whenever an addiction, neurosis, negative thought, belief emerges, It calls for attention. Really that's how the body responses when something is just 'not right'. When you are in perfect bliss/flow state, there is no recurring self consciousness and call for attention. So when an issue arises and I KNOW that it has arise, any thing I try to do about it or evade it just backfires on me. From that 'troubled' state any action I take is accompanied by self talks like, " You are a miserable fuck! Look how deep you are into shit and now trying to wipe it off.." so on and so forth. It all internally reinforces the very false perception that created the neurosis in the 1st place. So inherently I'm coming from a place of lack and unworthiness when I am fighting against an issue. So what I do is realize that there is the witness of whatever arises. Neither the witness nor the witnessed is 'Real'. One cannot exist without the other and they rise & dissolve simultaneously. What I AM is beyond both. The Supreme reality that allows this play of witness and witnessed to exist. The very stopping and acknowledgement of this truth (Really I am trusting Maharaj here until It becomes my permanent abiding experience) helps me dis identify from whatever is happening and accept it as it is. Then I continue my day doing my block time practice sessions. That's how I'm dealing with all the blockages in my life right now. I can't forcefully will or think myself to break free from neurosis. I've left the job of transforming me on the daily practices I am doing. The investigations/insights are done often so that I don't fall into traps and quit my practices. Hope that made sense PS: This is entirely my experience. Brute force never really worked for me. Either the work spontaneously happens or not. The difficulty of the work also doesn't matter in my case. I've heard many stories how people quit decades of hard addictions like smoking, obesity etc through willpower at one go. But it never worked in my case.

@Zippie Just the very fact that I'm in my 20s and probably gonna live 50 more years if I don't die by some accident or kill myself. It would be a total disgrace to wake up in the morning everyday with a shear disgust for life, hating my life and playing victim all the way....for 50 years. This image itself gives me a shock to get out of everyday mindlessness and practice attention & sincerity starting now! Two valid ways to overcome addictions and move more towards high conscious life. 1) Get really serious with self inquiry. Not just a 30 minute meditation session. You must self inquire dozens of time a day for few minutes. Just the questioning and resting in curiosity unhooks a lot of your limiting beliefs instantly. Question everything! All the recurring thoughts, your self image, your past story, your future expectations every single thing! Start reading "I AM THAT" By Maharaj and watch your life transforming through honest investigation. Also when cravings arise for a certain thing, immediately contemplate death and realize it's not gonna save you from misery. Understand that the object of addiction really has no inherent pleasure or purpose in it. It's you who have attached some sense, meaning, taste for that object. 2) Choose the path of unconditional self love and self acceptance. Go all the way with love love love! If you think that's enough love, time to give even more sincere love! Sincerely repeat "I love you" thousands of time a day with each breath and shower your heart with love! When cravings arise, say "This is the most loving thing I can do to my body and to myself" and engage in that addiction wholeheartedly, lovingly! Don't bring shame or other conflicting feeling. Just love and be an addict and see the distaste you grow for those addictions within weeks! I recommend Matt Kahn. Start with this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFS84Jp1qfc Start the Love revolution. Keep listening to Matt Kahn Lectures from 'True Divine Nature" youtube channel. You get the idea. Choose a line of work and go full board with it! Right now I'm all down with Maharaj and Matt Kahn. The state you are in is a painful one. I myself am recovering from it! All the best to us

My own experience says otherwise. I've never successfully overcome any addiction or neurosis by brute force. It just doesn't work for me. I may evade neurosis through willpower....just to fall even deeper into the trap in the next moment. Nowadays, I find myself unhooked from my gross addictions naturally. Gosh...I tried so hard for 3 years. Watching videos, reading books, daydreaming, making promises, changing my outer circumstances etc what not!! Every single effort was paid in double by relapsing even harder than before. Now things being settled a bit, I'm really curious about if we possess any personal will to change anything at all! I'm sorry if I sound like a victim loser but it's difficult to explain my current paradigm. It's like you can only get your ticket to heaven by suffering and paying your dues. Only when the lessons sink into your bones. Right now what I've realized is that I really have NO control to whatever happens expect being aware of the knowing of that event. Nisargadatta Maharaj helped me a lot in this regard. His words are like a pull from the Supreme Reality.

@Ryan_047 I feel you man. I wish we all could just give up our neurotic acquired customs and hug each other. You can seek professional help if its available to you. But remember that the level of intimacy, care and understanding that you want can only be provided through your own loving attention to yourself. You have two choices. Either seek this intimacy in the wrong places like a hungry ghost or you can dive deep inside you with a sincere intention of loving every single thing that arises within you. This video is a great place to start. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_ameLVhsIM Then I would recommend the book 'Six Pillars of Self Esteem' by Nathaniel Branden. This is probably the only psychology book you have to master to go beyond the realm of psychology. Read it like a textbook. Sincerely reading and note taking for one hour a day and reflect on the lessons. I'm convinced that almost ALL of our issues are either a escape or a defense against low self esteem. The author defines Self esteem as the immune system of consciousness. The one vital parameter controlling every other psychological phenomena. Finally, it will take some time. consistency is the key. I myself is at the very beginning of this process. The self-loathing and fear that have been created through a decade of self denial and inattention would take at least 1-2 years to recover and completely heal. Hang in there brother!

@Martin123 It's impossible to suppress it forever. My monkey mind tried so hard to desensitize me and make me give up this path by making me forget about all this completely. But again and again, through hundreds of self-denial and self-loathing episodes, I somehow found myself recommitting once again. Reading books, finding the right techniques and practicing them etc. that's pretty much my life story for last 3-4 years. Episodes of developing and losing awareness. Very recently, I'm starting to realize that it's not really my choice. I just can't shut off my consciousness and pretend that nothing is happening. This longing for awakening will probably chase me to my death bed. So I got no choice but to honor it and let it take it's course.

Hello, I'm actually a very beginner practitioner in consciousness work. I've been goofing around with all these teachings & stuff and applying some of these lessons here and there not that consistently over 2-3 years. I've had some random spiritual/psychological highs here and there. But that's it. Nothing really shifted the trajectory of my life radically. Still got tons of gross and subtle addictions to work through. Just reflecting back, I find the quality of my life deteriorating as years are going by when the opposite should be the case. Because age is supposed to bring strength, intelligent and maturity right? lol. That's how beginner I am. Now with that said, whenever I just stop and be mindful, nothing fancy, just get intimate with 'that' which is awake or ask "who is aware/who is searching/To whom does it arise? " and just stay still for a few seconds, an energy surge spikes straight up the head from my back. This is not a subtle/loving sensation but pretty rough and quick energy jerk. Sort of like a quick goosebump. And the odd thing is, it even happens dozens of time a day. The more I remind myself to self inquire, the more times this happen. Right now, I'm trying to make a 24/7 habit of very relaxed and deep breathing and getting intimate with the 'feel' of my body. Sort of like a constant, subtle flow state going on 24/7 no matter what I am doing. For that, I expect myself to be grounded. But everytime I slow down and try to do it, that energy spike burst up and distracts me. (It's like when a cat gets suddenly scared and jumps in shock) My question is, is this condition normal? Is it something everyone needs to go through when they are targeting for a fully mindful life 24/7? I'm asking this because I've read many spiritual books but never came across exactly this issue. Or it is all just a hormonal thing and I'm making a big fuss about it? please reply PS: Please don't give me a bunch of info dump on enlightenment. I would like to hear from someone who had these experiences personally. People who have actually grounded themselves and shifted their entire value and life trajectory. Don't feed me with some second hand knowledge unless it's your own experience. I know some pet theories on kundalini awakening. I doubt my case is relevant to that. if it is kundalini, that means I get enlightened 20 times a day? O_o Holy shit!

@cetus56 I myself have no idea if it is kundalini or not. but here are some honest observations: 1) I woke up at 5:30 am today and now its 11:10 am in Bangladesh. In between this 6 hours, I felt this energy at least 10 times. While morning walk, it hit me 3-4 time consecutively. 2) This is NOT directly related to my sex drive. My penis is not erected while these energy bursts. It feels like an electric shock lasting 1-2 seconds. There maybe some subtle sensations spreading through the body after every hit. 3) I've been feeling them as far as I can remember. Maybe more than 10 years. But never really paid any attention to them. I talked with my friends about it. They said I'm just excited/horny. But my experience tells otherwise. I feel this current when I'm relaxed, conscious/mindful or get intimate with 'that' which is alive and feel it without putting any label on it. 4) I've been very confused and frustrated especially for the last 4-5 years. During this time, I made the biggest mistake which is escaping and suppressing all the uncomfortable facts and feelings of my life with bunch of addictions. I used to desensitize myself for days (lets say upto a week) with food, entertainment, porn etc the list goes on. During these unconscious but exciting periods I never got the energy hits. Not even once a day. But once I recommitted to start a clean life from scratch, the energy hits would start again. And finally if you wanna learn and apply the genuine path of kundalini I recommend the book "Kundalini Tantra" by Satyananda Saraswati. This book contains all sorts of information and their implications. Lots of Kundalini yoga starting from cleansing and strengthening all the chakras and nadis of the body. A very well written guide from a legitimate master who observed tons of lay students in ashrams over decades. The author claims that full kundalini awakening awakens the human brain to its completion. A brain having 10 parts each chakra, nadi and the type of awakening opens up certain part of the brain. He claims that full kundalini awakening changes the dna structures, the scent, skin etc of the body. A transformation literally made from inside out. He says kundalini awakening is the evolution of consciousness through human body and taking kundalini to the perfect state is basically the ultimate life purpose of coming into existence with a human body.

the book 'I AM THAT" by Maharaj took my self inquiry game on a different level. I never particularly liked self inquiry. But now self inquiry happens spontaneously almost every hour.

This book is the best thing happening in my life right now. It's just awe inspiring. I found somewhere on the internet people talking about that this book is the ONLY book someone needs to study on spirituality and this book only comes to the aspirant when he is ready. The more I'm reading this book, the more I'm intuitively grasping the significance of the above statement

@Franz Thanks a lot! I won't get scared and confused with this energy anymore. Will keep doing the work. Lets see how things turn out.

I think it's normal. Nowadays we are surrounded by massive number of gadgets and electronic stuff. They have some sort of humming no matter how subtle they are. Even nature and your own body has a natural sound. you can almost listen to your heart beats sometimes when paying intimate attention in solitude

@Arkandeus Yeah that's exactly what I get scared of sometimes. In the back of my head, I'm like "if this keeps on happening every single hour, it must be creating some sort of lethal damage to my body". I never imagined such a subtle thing like truth/enlightenment which I thought of as inner/mental, could also have such a strong physical response.

@Martin123 Thanks a lot for your sincere help brother! I've been following your content for some months now. Some breathing techniques mentioned in your emotional healing guide greatly helped with my social anxiety. I'll definitely look into every single thing you've mentioned. I've also watched the interview of Rali and Jan. The way Jan keeps his cool over hours is just jaw dropping. While watching Jan, I immediately wished if I could have that level of groundedness and freedom <3

@Martin123 YES!! Most of them are even powerful than when I fap

@Patrique Hey man. I think the level of consciousness determines everything. This phenomenal world has no power in itself. But it appears to be all powerful and tantalizing. Only the Essence/Self exists. "to whom does it appear?" . THAT holds everything and is beyond everything. But our normal perception is literally the inverse of the truth. Unaware of the Self and lost in the appearance of phenomenal world. Such magnanimous is the illusion. A personal experience: When I'm in the monkey mode, driven by all the conditioned patterns and neurosis, no words of wisdom/love feels good. It feels like torture. I just wouldn't listen. But when the mind is still, all my pomp and folly have been exhausted, just a breath feels tremendously fulfilling. Literally everything in life (including art) falls into this category. In low consciousness, no shit can serve you. In high consciousness, even shit turns into diamond (just a figure of speech) So in a sense it's rather futile to analyze, conceptualize the infinite stuff of phenomenal world, their tastes, advantages, disadvantages etc. Because it all boils down to the level of consciousness with which you are perceiving that particular perception at that moment. That's why it's also futile to make art or trying to please for other people because it's all gonna be perceived by their level of consciousness. Art is in the phenomenal world. Same art is perceived in infinite ways according to the infinite expressions of consciousness. "To whom does it arise?" "Who is the perceiver?" Without the "I AM", there is no perception nor any quality of the phenomenal world.

I've wasted thousands of hours in tv, anime, porn, games, eating etc over decades now. One thing I know is that these are your input into your body and mind. 1) Food and drink 2) Any visual( tv, movie, porn, games etc) and informational (news, gossip, trivia etc) input 3) Your own thinking and how you capture others thinking from your surrounding + all your beliefs The harsh truth is, if you wanna be enlightened and/or have a clean, fulfilling, independent and highly conscious life (which can take decade to build) then you gotta limit all your input. Seriously man. Especially in this toxic modern culture over 99% of input is pure shit that keeps you stuck in the same rut. Then one day you find yourself losing decades in this mindless cycle. If you do hours of gaming and then sit for meditate, hell yeah all the gaming visions are gonna keep popping up. This shit is never gonna fly. Limit every single of your life's input. Just take the bare minimum and high quality inputs. The rest is all contemplation/being/mindfulness. No easy way out! But unfortunately, nobody wants to accept this...not until they are dead tired of their own rut. Good luck on your journey!

Give man a gift, he will turn it into a personal problem. Give man an ally, one day he will make an enemy out of him. Give man a paradise, he will turn it into hell (and then complain about it). Why is the default mode so dysfunctional and wired to backfire sooner or later? Is this the very nature of reality? If Reality contains everything then why a functional, healthy state of consciousness is not the default state? Or a healthy and dysfunctional default state rotate in a cyclic order over huge time boundary? Whenever I watch any nature/wildlife documentary it strikes me that nature has such balanced intelligence. There is no animal in wilderness that is "depressed" or has "social anxiety" The nature's default mode is self sustaining and balanced. Why human consciousness always make a mess out of stuff sooner or later? Please guide me through your answers and suggest me relevant books/blog/video etc which I can study/contemplate to get deeper wisdom on this issue. Lastly a quote from Eckhart tolle, " Look at a cat, a tree. Learn how to live and die from a tree and how not to make a problem out of living and dying."

@Wyatt Thank you for answering. I recently started studying Buddhism and yes I totally agree with you on how honestly they deal with these issues ( at least true buddhism. not the popular one). I will definitely look into it. And about nature, I've watched documentaries and realized how brutal and challenging life on wilderness is. Most species die or get killed prematurely. I used see wilderness as utopia. But now I see it as it is. But the thing is, not a single species has made a 'Problem' out of it and gone mad. There are species on earth who go through magnanimous hardship just to get through a day and have to do it everyday until death. Still no species on earth complain and have a mental breakdown. All "problems" of the world are just human problems.

@Adam M I heard a Buddhist teacher telling that there are total 52 stages of Enlightenment. And "Sankyamuni Buddha" or Shiddharta Gautama is the only person from whole humankind to touch upon the 52nd stage. I don't claim to know anything about these things. Just sharing what I heard directly. And about practice, I would say like anything else in life, there is a magic/breakthrough that happens only when you stick with a particular routine. There are tons of practice routines. They all are in the horizontal dimension. But You only get further and further access to the vertical dimension (DEPTH) when you select one method and stick with it. Hope that gives you some new ideas to make a decision. There is a great post regarding ten stages of meditation in this forum. It says basically the same thing. As for me, I've decided to acquire a good deal of mastery in four techniques separately. Concentration, True Meditation(Do Nothing), Inquiry and Contemplation. Then they can work on me harmoniously.

Mine goes like this: maybe 3-4 years ago I saw a poor little boy from slum walking and crying without any limit while trying to hide the fact he is crying. I too was passing by on a vehicle. Right there I wished if it was possible to transfer that boy's sorrow in me so that I could bear it for him.

@pluto Beautiful! Educating others and helping them to realize truth/shift is in my opinion one of the greatest benevolent acts one can do. It can produce huge ripple effect that can spread all through a person's life and even beyond their lives into many many upcoming generations. Its something material things probably can never replace. I wish you all best on your journey

@Snick I think it all depends on situation. Sometimes only money can do the greatest good. At other times that very money brings their own demise and thus trouble others surrounding them.