Hi everybody,
something completely unexplainable happened to me just now, and I hope to find answers or hear about stories from people who expirienced something similar.
(this ended up very long but it's important to me, sorry)
Anyway so I was doing Leo's self-inquiry technique (sober) after a short "warm up" meditation to focus my mind, and for the first time in my life I felt this strong sense of emptiness that Leo is always talking about, and I felt confident and in control, but that changed really quickly. I remember Leo saying that it would bei like having an epiphony, and you would suddenly get it...
But what happened to me was not like anything that I would have expected. I got completely overwhelmed. I was 100% convinced that I am going to die and it scared me shitless, I have never been so scared in my life, and I can't explain what happened to me. All I know is that it felt kind of cold and just like nothing, but a different nothing. It felt like a nothing that was alive, because it pulled me into it more the longer I kept my awareness there. I felt like I was falling into an endless hole.
My heart started racing immediatly when I realized that I am completely losing myself, and I couldn't go any deeper from there because worries and thoughts started coming up. But I wondered why I got so afraid, because logically I am always telling myself that I want to find truth and transcend my attachments. "Why was I so scared?" I thought. But the thing is, that I have no fucking clue what I am dealing with and I'm trying to find out.
I realized though that my attachments to "me" being alive are still strong and are preventing me from going deeper. All in all this expirience felt bad. And I don't get it. I am way more afraid of nothingness than I thought, it's way scarier and I am absolutely not ready for that of shit. I didn't feel Love, I was just scared shitless.
A way bigger realization that I got from it though is that none of what happened during these couple of minutes (or ever) matters, everything that I'm writing now is just for my ego to "understand" and my life is entirely a delusion from the beginning to the end, and that this was just a glimpse of truth for the first time in my life, and now I'm disappointed that I couldn't handle it whatsoever.
Maybe it was a schizophrenic episode. My brother got it when he was my age (19). Can someone please share their expirience with going to nothingness for the first time? Why do I feel like I'm loosing my sanity when confronted with nothingness? Why did I get so afraid? How can I go deeper?
Thanks everybody, every thought is highly appreciated
